Hardkill

I am losing confidence in my own ability to even financially survive

8 posts in this topic

Posted (edited)

Yesterday, at my new temporary painting job,  my supervisor told me that I am not really cut out for the job because I don't have enough experience with painting commercial rooms. I did have many years of on and off experience with painting and construction with my father when I did renovation of houses up with him until he retired 2 years ago and my family and I moved away. On first the day of the job, when the guy asked me to give him a mixing stick for the paint I mistakenly gave  him a pole for the mixing which made him think that I wasn't familiar enough with tools. So he then gave me shit by saying stuff like "Have you really painted before? Don't lie to me. I am not trying be mean, but I tell it like it is because I've had some people in the past lie to me about their painting skills." I told him of course that I did and said that I graduated from art school. He then went "Okay. Well, having a degree in art is different than actually painting buildings." I did also mention to him again about having done construction and painting for several years with my dad. At the temporary painting job, which I just started 3 days ago, I did absolutely everything that I could and as fast as I could with painting the dorm rooms without taking any unnecessary breaks. I also showed up on time during all three days.

Yet, yesterday morning he ended up telling me more shit like "You're taking way too long. Don't take this wrong, but this doesn't seem like this is best job for you." Later on by the end of the day he asked me if I knew how to fill certain holes, I said and that I did, but then was about to clarify with him what exactly I've done before when it comes to patching holes I said "Well, I mean..." He then interrupted me by saying "Yes or no. Just a simple yes or no. Don't bullshit me. If you haven't then just tell me because I can't waste any more time. I know that some people may think I sound angry or arrogant, but I like I said before I am a straight shooter and this job requires you to work fast. Also, we are now behind with our work and I've already have had my boss and the other workers saying 'what happened? Why hasn't this section of the place been done already?' So I've had to tell him why (as he pointed his hand to me)." At some point in the conversation I told him that quite frankly I was told when I applied for the job that it didn't require that high of experience level that you are requiring. In fact, job posting only stated that they were looking for someone who has had at least some work experience with painting before and I honestly have done a lot of painting in houses with my dad including walls, ceiling, doors, door frames, exterior stucco, trellises, etc. and did do spackling, caulking, and what have you. So, then my supervisor coworker said "Even this job requires a solid working experience with painting. Yes, it is only temporary, but you are still getting paid a lot because we want someone who is not just a beginning painter." He then went on by saying "I've done painting my whole life and even used to run my own painting business and had to fire people sometimes if they weren't doing a good enough job. If you were working for me at my own company, I would have just handed you the cash, let you go, and say that I hope for the best in your future endeavors, but I've had to play along, be more diplomatic, and give you some training advice because of my boss. So, I don't what they are going to do with you. Maybe they might transfer you to another kind of job within the temporary services department or something."

If this was a permanent full-time job for the year then yeah that would be a decent pay for me; however, this is only a temporary gig that' going to last for a few months.  was $33.72/hr. is obviously way more than even California's minimum wage (which is currently $13-14/hr.); however, I am signed up to only work for about 3 months as a temp and even with a full work day and full weekday schedule, $33.72/hr. is only to make me $18,208 for the next 3 months.

Btw, this isn't the first time I was let go from a job. Almost 2 years ago, when I was working on getting my teaching credential, my student-teaching placement at a certain grade school got abruptly cancelled after my mentor told the principal that I wasn't working fast and had trouble following simple directions. Yet, just like with the painting job, I did absolutely everything that I could and as fast as I could with the teacher's students and without slacking off or taking any unnecessary breaks. I also showed up on time everyday at the placement site. I had to wait another few months to try the student teaching placement experience again and at another school site, which further delayed my graduation date. It was very traumatic experience for me.

I even worked with a highly educated mentor who was supposed to help me be much more prepared for my 2nd chance at a placement site. Yet, even I though I think I did perform even significantly better at the new site with a new student mentor than in the previous site, this school sadly wasn't satisfied with my performance. They said that they ended up having the same issues with me as the last school and were about to cancel my placement again. So, I was forced to resign from the placement. This became even more traumatizing to me than before and made me feel like a total loser. I got so frightened that my grad school was going to dismiss me even after all of the time, money and emotional energy I spent to succeed in my online classes. Fortunately, the University let me continued their program by just finishing up Master's degree program by completing the remaining university classes I needed to pass. Nevertheless, they said I would no longer be allowed to get a teaching credential from the university because given my twice failed track record with the student teaching placements they said they no longer believed that I would become successful at becoming a teacher.

My parents and many of my peers and teachers during my middle school, high school, college, and grad school years have always told me that I am so slow at pretty much everything I do and I can't follow simple instructions (because of my ADHD issues) that I will never be able to hold on to a job. Even when I volunteered at a hospital to help with all kinds of patients the employees in the volunteer office told me the same thing.

This is why I now feel like at this point that there's not much hope left for me to even earn an average living. I don't know what to do.

Edited by Hardkill

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I've encountered some work environments like that. Most of those people are pretty full of themselves. I would not take it too personally. I am sure there is some improvements that you could make though too. Unusually, these type people exhibit a lot of the expert stage if you are familiar with the 9 stages of ego development. Still you can find some truth to work on here. 

I am not very good at all at these types of positions. It sounds like something that you are aware of as well. You need to find something that matches your top strengths. If you keep messing around with this kind of hands on type work it probably isn't going to go well for you. 

Quote

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” -Einstein 

I learned this lesson with a lot of time and error. I did some mechanics in college, as a hobby, etc. I would always have similar people to who you are talking about put me down for my skill or knowledge about cars. Even if I was not in a professional environment for it. However, I experienced a similar thing even just working at a oil shop. Even working there I knew I was excellent at customer service and messing with the cars was my weak point, but they had me work on the cars. Now I have reach a point where I don't even want to do my own oil changes and I have done some fairly complicated repairs and restoration. It is my zone of incompetence and I also hate working on cars lol. 

You are more than capable of making a living wage, but it is going to have to take you trying to new ways to go about doing it. You can change yourself and develop yourself too, which will help you go at things from a different angle. For example you mentioned the ADHD being a problem. You could work on solving that issue if it is being a burden and that alone could change everything for you. You could read some books about money and find new ways and techniques that you had not though of before as well. 

 

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Posted (edited)

Are you seeing a pattern? like no matter how good i am my higher up always find a reason to be upset about my work or something along those lines.

Edited by Harikrishnan

I will be waiting here, For your silence to break, For your soul to shake,              For your love to wake! Rumi

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You gotta try something new man, I’ve failed at many jobs and the ones I’ve succeeded at have been unfortunately ones which are not available in my city or are far away, I have server bi polar too which sometimes makes it hard to focus, but yeah man there is something for you, maybe don’t do a job that is so time dependent where you can focus on your work or craft, personally I’ve switched from tennis coach to learning about music and starting my own business. User @Consept has a nice series on starting an amazon fba business which I finished and am finally about to start, I find it hard to be time pressured and micromanaged too trust me some things are out of your hands, just keep working man 

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@Consept where is the nice series on starting an Amazon fba? I am not American though.

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Seems like there's a pattern here.  

If there's a pattern that keeps repeating itself in your life, even if the circumstances, people, and places have changed, this, to me, suggests that the problem isn't "out there" but is within you.  

Try figuring out what limiting beliefs, attitudes, or traits you're carrying that could be significantly contributing to or causing these patterns.  

You say it's your ADD.  Could it be something else?  How would things be different if you cured your ADD?  Have you tried experimenting and exploring different things to help with your ADD?  

It seems that you are aware there is a pattern, and that you think it's your ADD.  Could it be something else?  Like a limiting belief you're not seeing or something?

How far back does this pattern go?  Did your mom, dad, or family tell you things like this?  

Dig around.  Uncover.


"Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down"   --   Marry Poppins

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I feel you. I have a very similar problem and highly question my competence due to being so different than the majority and also always having the feeling that I am "too slow". I too suspect to have some light form of ADD and the only thing that has helped is to accept that I operate differently than the majority, that means that what works for the majority doesn't work for me. 

Before you start doing anything, you have to work on self-acceptance and self-trust. I feel like you don't trust yourself (I have the same problem) and that stems from making the same experience over and over.. that you just don't fit in. No matter how hard you try, you cannot do what is expected of you. It's easy to start to doubt our own abilities at that point, but that's wrong! You have to stop comparing yourself to others and expecting of yourself to operate like the majority does, if you just try hard enough. You operate differently and that is absolutely OKAY. Give yourself permission to express yourself the way you are and don't try to make yourself fit into a system that doesn't fit to you. So, you are slow. That's okay. Find a job where you can be slow and where there is not much time pressure. If you can't find such a job, create it. You will find opportunities when you genuinely believe you are worthy of them. 

With ADD it is very, very easy to develop a form of self-hatred and to feel like a total loser and I feel with you so much because I can totally relate to this feeling. We have to learn to be utterly rooted in ourselves, to allow ourselves to set our own priorities and rules for life, which most likely differ a lot from the current standard. But you know what? There is no objective right or wrong and not everybody can fit into that tiny box society has created. 

So really start with fully accepting yourself and not judging yourself for your shortcomings. The number one thing ADD sufferers have to learn is to listen to their own rhythm and to not compromise who they are in order to fit in.

If you subconsciously believe to be an incompetent loser than that's what you are going to attract. Over and over. Until the day you realise you are allowed to be different. Until the day you realise the others are not "better" because they are "faster". Until the day you honour your uniqueness and stop hating yourself for it. Until the day you forgive yourself and create the space for you to fully flourish. Currently you don't give yourself the space nor the permission to be who you are. You adapt and try to make it right for the others, but what is right for you?   

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We as individuals tend to take jobs that are not pleasing to us put causes a high deal of stress and an unproductive lifestyle the most important thing is to find out if you want to work for someone or work for yourself on your own time. There are two types of workers one that makes things happen and the other is one that does what others need on the time they are allotted.  

 Ask yourself this question?   What makes you happy   what do you like doing  fine the inner peace in yourself and work  on was to make your work productive; without the stress of a boss

Here are some options if you want to work for yourselfhttps://bit.ly/3xiKJPp    https://bit.ly/3nEZAyh

But you have to understand things don't happen without working at them. You have to believe in what your working for  You have to see the dream to achieve the  dream 

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