Preety_India

I've decided to be celibate for the rest of my life.Instead focus on self development

19 posts in this topic

I know that relationships can be beneficial but personally relationships are a huge waste of time for me..  I'm in my 20s,  and I spent around 6 years in relationships with not much coming out of it but disappointment. 

In the end I felt like I became worse off than how I started out. 

It felt like utter failure and I own some part of the failure because I chose ill fitted incompatible people with commitment issues. 

If I had been with people who had the same seriousness with regard to commitment as me, I probably would have been in a much better place in relationships like - gotten married and settled and made good out of it, mutually growing with that person. 

The only 2 basic things that I desired in relationships was - compatibility and commitment. 

However both were lacking in all the 4 partners I had so far. 

One of the problems that could have precipitated such a situation was me falling in love hopelessly and spontaneously with all my heart and emotion without a single judgement or processing on other metrics like intellectual /mentality match or commitment match. Not accessing the relationship intellectually but making choices by following my heart. This led me to simply ignore any of the metrics necessary for the relationship I wanted to build and I believed that "heart based relationships " are always successful and everything else gets taken care of, as long as we both are in love, however this was not to be the case, and I suffered terrible disaster when the reality hit back in my face,  obviously I do regret, although not entirely, because I also enriched myself with valuable life experience through these relationships, but I do regret being too imaginative and less objective in deciding the nature of my relationship and compatibility and I cannot be forgiven, because I kept making the same mistake over and over, not taking a break to understand or reflect, I severely lack self awareness and self reflection, which I only realized after my most recent breakup, something that I'm actively trying to work on, however spending 6 years uselessly this way, really makes me upset and regretful. 

Now I broke that curse finally and actually became aware of myself for the first time in 6 years, thanks to this forum, and actually knocked some sense into me and asked myself - what the hell is going on?

Now I feel like it's finally time to take full charge of my life and actually not fall into the same cycle that I fell into nearly 4 times wasting huge amount of time. 

I can't get my time back but I definitely got my senses back. Finally. 

So I pondered on this recently and thought to give it up altogether, maybe it's not something worth devoting anymore time to, especially in my specific case. 

I do not wish to waste anymore time in this merry go around of seeking love, feels like a headless chicken following a line sometimes tbh. 

So I made this decision finally that the best option for a repeat offender like me is to stop seeking and start growing. Stay celibate for the rest of my life although I'm young but it still makes sense to not waste anymore time. 

I have decided to be single and celibate for the rest of my life. I want none of the baggage, in any form. And instead focus on self development. 

My main issue that bugs me is a set of questions which I haven't been able to exactly address

Would I feel or get very lonely?

Will this loneliness impact my growth?

Is this an abnormal or weird or wrong decision, do people normally do this in some proportion?

Will not having sex impact my life if I consciously avoid it?

Will the lack of affection from a potential opposite sex partner impact my life and how so?

Can we really live without love and sex and continue actualizing?

Would this be a decision that I could come to regret?

Did anyone have similar experiences and realizations and how are they coping with it if they are on similar paths?

 

Thanks. 


 INTP loner... .shy girl.. The devil loves me a bit too much. 

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Posted (edited)

I think letting go of declarations like this and anything identifying with relationships and just being open to what comes helps a lot. You don't even have to actively focus on this domain if you wanna focus on other stuff. Just stay open to what life brings. Don't build some identity around or make some declaration like you're celibate now. Just be open to what life brings and focus what you wanna focus on. 

Edited by Lyubov

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Let me ask you this:

If one day you met someone and it hit you. You really want to be with him/her. You love them. They love you. What is your decisions of today now?

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Posted (edited)

5 minutes ago, karkaore said:

Let me ask you this:

If one day you met someone and it hit you. You really want to be with him/her. You love them. They love you. What is your decisions of today now?

Then I will break my celibacy code and have a relationship but with utmost carefulness, like a cat treading slowly through puddle. 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl.. The devil loves me a bit too much. 

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This is probably a rude post. But just ignore me if you think this is wayout rude. Your sexual energy is still in you and you can learn to develop it. For some this is a way to feel better, for some this is a way to way better sex, for some it even leads to enlightenment.

 

 

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I would work on why you get caught in bad relationships rather than become celibate, thats a really big step to take. 


It's just a ride.

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4 minutes ago, Rilles said:

I would work on why you get caught in bad relationships rather than become celibate, thats a really big step to take. 

The problem is that I want to invest all that time into self development. 

The part of self development which is not exactly associated with relationships.  

Like meditation and spirituality. And many other things. I want to grow as a person. 

A relationship consumes a lot of time. 

 


 INTP loner... .shy girl.. The devil loves me a bit too much. 

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Just now, Preety_India said:

The problem is that I want to invest all that time into self development. 

The part of self development which is not exactly associated with relationships.  

Like meditation and spirituality. And many other things. I want to grow as a person. 

A relationship consumes a lot of time. 

 

I see, that makes sense. 


It's just a ride.

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Aren't relationships the place where you find out about your own and others weaknesses and get challenged to grow?

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10 minutes ago, TheDao said:

Aren't relationships the place where you find out about your own and others weaknesses and get challenged to grow?

Yes. In some ways. But I'm done putting myself through the grill. 

 


 INTP loner... .shy girl.. The devil loves me a bit too much. 

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Posted (edited)

"I know that relationships can be beneficial but personally relationships are a huge waste of time for me..  I'm in my 20s,  and I spent around 6 years in relationships with not much coming out of it but disappointment."

I'm getting so old, that I look at people in their 20s the same way I looked at teens when I was in my twenties. You still have your whole life ahead of you, and you are currently processing some heartbreak. I guarantee you'll feel different 5, 10, 15 20 years from now.

"If I had been with people who had the same seriousness with regard to commitment as me, I probably would have been in a much better place in relationships like - gotten married and settled and made good out of it, mutually growing with that person."

Maybe yes, maybe no. Who knows?

"The only 2 basic things that I desired in relationships was - compatibility and commitment." 

Commitment. Do you mean one sexual partner for the rest of your life? That can be a tough one for men, especially physical commitment. I'm not saying you should put up with it, just do not take it too personally. Men are just programed differently when it comes to sex and commitment. This may be something you will get a better perspective of as you grow older. A woman in her 20s has not yet been through her sexual peak yet. I guarantee you'll feel different 5, 10, 15 20 years from now ¬¬

"However both were lacking in all the 4 partners I had so far."

Compatibility and chemistry. Hollywood is all about chemistry, as compatibility is the cold, boring stuff. For a long term gig, compatibility is essential.

"One of the problems that could have precipitated such a situation was me falling in love hopelessly and spontaneously with all my heart and emotion without a single judgement or processing on other metrics like intellectual /mentality match or commitment match. Not accessing the relationship intellectually but making choices by following my heart. This led me to simply ignore any of the metrics necessary for the relationship I wanted to build and I believed that "heart based relationships " are always successful and everything else gets taken care of, as long as we both are in love, however this was not to be the case, and I suffered terrible disaster when the reality hit back in my face"

This is not something you'll ever have any control over. Happens to everyone. Happens to animals too. Your system was flooded with oxytocin, serotonin and endorphins (aka falling in love) just long enough for you to pair and reproduce. In the animal kingdom, lust, romantic love and attraction are just chemical processes like photosynthesis in plants.

"Now I broke that curse finally and actually became aware of myself for the first time in 6 years, thanks to this forum, and actually knocked some sense into me and asked myself - what the hell is going on?"

The breaking of curse here is just the chemicals running out, and both of you being left with the reality of who you really are. At that point, a cold hard, boring decision has to be made. Stay together, or seek the next high.

"I have decided to be single and celibate for the rest of my life. I want none of the baggage, in any form. And instead focus on self development."

This is not for "you" aka your conscious mind to decide. These are primal, basic drives you are talking about. It's not like deciding you are going to buy a blue car next time. You will need to get other more powerful hidden forces within you on board. And only time will tell if they are with you on this one.

"Would I feel or get very lonely?"

Yes

"Will this loneliness impact my growth?"

Yes

"Is this an abnormal or weird or wrong decision, do people normally do this in some proportion?"

Yes, looking back, I suspect I may have unconsciosly made the same decision (minus the celibacy part).

"Will not having sex impact my life if I consciously avoid it?"

Yes

"Will the lack of affection from a potential opposite sex partner impact my life and how so?"

Yes. You will be fighting powerful forces within you. Very possible, but will require a lot of energy, focus and discipline.

"Can we really live without love and sex and continue actualizing?"

What is this actualizing you speak of?

"Would this be a decision that I could come to regret?"

Ofcourse yes/maybe/no. But it is best to base your decisions in love (what you want) rather than fear (what you do not want e.g. regret)

 

Edited by wwhy

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5 minutes ago, wwhy said:

 

"Can we really live without love and sex and continue actualizing?"

What is this actualizing you speak of?

Actualization the way Leo does it. Focusing on self, enlightenment, spirituality, fulfilling myself in other ways like art, creativity, developing a strong life purpose and dedicating my whole life to it, developing myself spiritually in resonance with the universe, cultivating a connection with my higher self and becoming an overall better person in terms intellectual and emotional maturity. Also contributing to community like helping  people to get their life together in the future by helping them spiritually. 

5 minutes ago, wwhy said:

"Would this be a decision that I could come to regret?"

Ofcourse yes. But it is best to base your decisions in love (what you want) rather than fear (what you do not want e.g. regret)

Right now my decision is based in both love and fear. The love part arising from my devotion to spiritual life purpose and the service of humanity and the fear that a potential relationship will destroy all of my dreams. 

I think spiritually speaking I came to the right place in the right time - this forum. 

 


 INTP loner... .shy girl.. The devil loves me a bit too much. 

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27 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

. Focusing on self, enlightenment, spirituality, fulfilling myself in other ways like art, creativity, developing a strong life purpose and dedicating my whole life to it, developing myself spiritually in resonance with the universe, cultivating a connection with my higher self and becoming an overall better person in terms intellectual and emotional maturity. Also contributing to community like helping  people to get their life together in the future by helping them spiritually. 

Why?

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It's all mind games. Instead of breaking free you create another identity.

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Posted (edited)

@Preety_India I think you are taking relationship on it extremes. You have to find a right balance in your life. I think you have fell into this trap of relationship. Make sure you find the right balance between self development and relationship.

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Would I feel or get very lonely?

That's your feeling. I think if you are not finding a partner or mate then of course you would feel and get very lonely. I believe that's part of the process. So yes of course you would feel or get very lonely especially if you have been looking and trying to get into a relationship into the past 6 years and now you finally starting to break that cycle. So, you will feel and get very lonely but its okay if you are doing this for a greater cause.

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Will this loneliness impact my growth?

This loneliness will impact your growth but I believe in a positive way. You need to learn how to grow yourself and not be needy.  This video would help you I think:

 

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Is this an abnormal or weird or wrong decision, do people normally do this in some proportion?

This is not abnormal or weird or wrong decision. Just follow what your gut tells you and your passions. Maybe in the future in your life you will want to get into a relationship so you can change your course of direction. My message over here is "Do what your heart tells you"

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Will not having sex impact my life if I consciously avoid it?

Sex is a big factor in life. So, yes it will impact your life, but you don't really need it in life. You can live life without that. Its a really basic need on the Maslow hierarchy so I would say that for now you can leave it but make sure in some point in your life get this need mastered if you havn't and if you want to. You can leave it if you don't want to.

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Will the lack of affection from a potential opposite sex partner impact my life and how so?

It really depends on who you are. If you need it then it will impact your life in negative ways because you will be looking for it in other places where its not found. If you don't need it and you are not needy then it won't impact your potential in negative ways.

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Can we really live without love and sex and continue actualizing?

You can live without sex and selfish kind of love, especially if you hate these areas and don't want to develop yourself in them. However I would say mastering love in the context of spirituality is crucial for you. 

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Would this be a decision that I could come to regret?

You will have to have the vision and think 10 years into the future. Think by yourself into that future that do you really want this or not. 

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Did anyone have similar experiences and realizations and how are they coping with it if they are on similar paths?

 

I had a similar experience and I just left the relationship aspect. personally for me I am young and I am a student so I want to develop my foundation so I left this avenue for now in my life.

 

Edit: I want to say that make sure you don't take self development to its extreme level to else it will backfire you.

Edited by sda

" You will face many defeats in life, but never let yourself be defeated." Maya Angelou

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@Preety_India This forum can also be a big distraction. Have you considered spending less time on it and doing the actual work? You'd probably have time for both (relationships & self-development) if you did that.

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Posted (edited)

@vinc3nc no.  This forum is directly helping me with my self development.  It has been a huge blessing.  

I do the actual work when I'm away from it. 

It doesn't impact me 

Those who feel like they are not growing here  that's because they aren't learning anything from here. 

But not my case. I learn plenty everyday which is necessary for boosting me. Thanks to the forum, I've grown emotionally and socially like by at least 30%. 

If you think that the forum is a distraction and isn't fit for you, then it probably isn't meant for you, then you should spend less time. Whereas for me, it's not a distraction. It's a boost. 

 

 

Edited by Preety_India

 INTP loner... .shy girl.. The devil loves me a bit too much. 

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