Ima Freeman

Intrusive Murder Thoughts

45 posts in this topic

@Ima Freeman Similar path - step-dad issues, abuse, drugs, rebellion, and so on. The key understandings/tools for me were:

- these negative thoughts are the defense mechanism of a hurt child, who at some point could only count on his mere instincts, like a cub in a jungle. So although now they seem evil because they are targeted at everyone, they were actually your baby roars. The only "problem" is in the fact that our culture does not nourish in any way emotional intelligence, so we later learn to repress these instincts to be "good functioning adults" instead of understanding it. So you may say why do I have these intense challenges? Well first everyone experiences them to a certain degree, and second, like someone mentioned before, the way family and community interpreted these (interpretations one has to adopt to survive) became the only constriction that forces one to suffocate them. And drugs only work for so long...

- shame and guilt over having these thoughts are just as much as a part of the problem as the thoughts themselves. These need to be investigated, felt and observed first/simultaneously

- personally, of various techniques tried over the years, I feel the most effective for me was the Letting Go/Sedona method (of which Leo posted a video if i remember correctly). Understanding the ego and personal behavior patterns kind of comes naturally if one focuses on releasing pent up emotion, so no reason to self loathe oneself for not seeing the big picture immediately

- making sure diet/sleep/exercising patterns are in place, they could be half the problem

- psychedelics can be effective at cracking through the construct and i jumped into every retreat/experience i could at a certain point. What i learned is that i would strongly suggest one has had a meditation practice or grounding tool in place (such as sedona method) otherwise the experience can get a bit overwhelming, especially with Ayahuasca. Not saying that in the midst of the trip one always has the clarity to use these tools, but at least the subconscious may have a vague idea where to point one's attention to. Mild doses of mushrooms, maybe LSD, could be a more gentle start.

- telling myself that "i am doing great, the best i can, that i am ok, etc." or compassionate/positive thinking does not really work for me. It happened spontaneously when I started feeling and releasing the pain masked by my delusions (both of grandeur as well as of victim perspective)

- when we don't say what we know is true, or do what we know is right, or lie to ourselves in any way, I personally experience intense dark moods

You can do it, it just takes time, dedication and a bit of sacrifice (i. e. cutting out all that is useless).

And it happens in wAaAavvvveeEEES. :)

 

Edited by caveman
repetition

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@caveman

Beautiful. Just beautiful. 🤍


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I have had similar thoughts in the past. Actually, your post reminds me of this and I can see how far I have come.

I remember one time I was on a date with a really fit, short, cute girl my age. We got food and then stopped by my house to get my guitar on our way to this nature area.

The violent thought that I had surprised me. We were sitting near this river right next to the water, it was late at night so probably nobody was there save us, and we were enclosed in some bushy area. An image of me beating and drowning her crossed my mind. It was accompanied by an intense flicker of rage. This was about a year and some change ago, and happened regularly for a while.

Looking back, I've overcome these type of thoughts, and my advice to you would be to fully live through each fantasy, fully feel the feelings, and don't stop until the associated emotions (anger, grief, shame, pride, etc.) are relieved. No shame in having some violent thoughts, just work through them and don't suppress/repress them. That way they don't get worse and take over.

And get a therapist who can do some emdr with you.


"Yes is the answer... And you know that! Fasho!

Yes is surrender! You gotta let it... you gotta let it GO!" - John Lennon, Mind Games

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