Depression and hollowness in university

[Don Wei]

Hello everybody, I got accepted in my dream university, Delft University of Technology and I moved from a third world country to a rich country, The Netherlands. But i've been feeling empty, and weird since i',ve been studying. In the beginning I didn't feel stressed though. Because back then there wasn't a huge load of work dropped on me. I have been doing self help for 7 years and I normally meditate twice a day. But I haven't meditated since I got here. I also had amazing plans to write books while studying in college. But i've only written 3 chapters and I also haven't done anything with that since I got here. 

I used to think I was a high conscious person. But i've also been questioning that lately, because if I was I wouldn't have this problem probably. I also haven't visited the gym in two weeks and because of certain circumstances I did not get any vacation. This year while I was still in high school I was also pretty stressed out and my future was very unclear and I thought that I was just in a stage of life where I would grow a lot internally because this year has been the most eye opening to me. I really grew a lot. 

But now i'm even more stressed, and depressed. I'm afraid that it won't matter how much I achieve because I think this feeling is something that will always follow me. It feels almost impossible to make all my assignments on time and at the same time improve myself and have a social life, which I don't because i'm in a new country. 

But somewhere deep down I have a feeling that life, could be a lot better and that i'm missing something. There must be something I overlooked. I honestly don't even know what I want right now.

[Heaven]

Relax bro. A new beginning is almost always confusing for the mind. In this times it’s especially import to meditate/rest in being.

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. You’re still young and u will have plenty of time to fulfill your dreams(like writing a book). 
Life is a marathon not a sprint.

Hope it resonates <3

[Thomas_VH]

Highly conscious people also struggle maintaining their positive habits from time to time, that's no indicator of you being low-conscious. Don't beat yourself up for having a backlash, these are neccesary moments of regression which make big progress possible in the future. Everyone has these.

It seems to me like you are having a bit of a hard time adjusting to all these changes in your life, which totally makes sense. I also get the impression that you are not sure what you really want to do in life, have you discovered your life-purpose yet? Are you working on that? Is a University degree really something you feel like you need? If it is, then it is worth the temporary struggle. If not, then find something else to pursue.

[Don Wei]

Thanks guys, I think i'm way too attached to the outcome. From now on I'll still do my best but if things don't work out than I'll also be okay with that. I also found out that after succeeding in your first year you can take your time the rest of the study, so that's cool. 

[Leo Gura]

@Don Wei Be mindful of doing work just because some other human told you to. This is a waste of your life and potential.

Then again, if you don't have a clear picture of what you want, then following that human might be better than doing nothing.

Become crystal clear about what you want to create in life and then get to work on it. << this is how you feel empowered and worthwhile in life.

Really contemplate whether the stuff you're doing in university, which is eating up all of your time and attention, is in any way related to what you really want to create in your life. Or are you just being a mindless sheep, following the flock into wage slavery?

[mandyjw]

I'm pretty sure it's very common for the transition to college to be really confusing and difficult. Be mindful of the self concepts you have around yourself being an achiever or a high conscious person. Sometimes these concepts get in the way of connecting with our intuition, knowing what we want to do next, and taking a necessary break to reset and let that inner guidance come in. It's ok to just want to know what it is you want.

If you pull up too many programs on your computer at once, you have to turn it off and turn it back on again. While meditation at its best is turning off the computer, sometimes we even have to quit meditation itself again to come back to it again without all our ideas about it and the self concept of one who meditates. 

[Don Wei]

@Leo Gura I do think that what i'm doing in university will have a positive inpact on society, I do civil engineering and we all have a subject called ethics, to make sure students don't make any low conscious selfish desicions that will impact the world in a negative way. And when I chose this path I did not know what I wanted so I thought that if I didn't know what I wanted to do I could at least do something useful to humanity that would also pay my bills. But I honestly don't see this as my end goal. I have always been a very artistic person instead, and I constantly get amazing stories in my head, it hurts me and excites me at the same time that no one has already created these stories, so I thought if no one has created it yet than why couldn't I just do it ? And what I think would really fulfill me is sharing these stories with as many people as possible in some way or another. So I started writing a book, and i've finished 3 chapters. But since I wen't to the netherlands a month ago I haven't written a new chapter yet and I didn't feel motivated, but a couple of people read these chapters yesterday and really liked it, so that motivated me to start writing further 

And now my plan is basically to go to university, learn new skills, actualize myself, get my degrees, build up my career and reputation as a writer while in college and maybe by the time I have been working as a highly paid wage slave for a year or two, I'll earn enough money to quit my job and focus even more on my books and self actualization.

I think i'm right now still in the achiever phase for the most part. But not completely because I can see that achievements and materialism doesn't bring true long lasting fulfillment and happiness. It is just a resource for me right now, but not a real goal the way it used to be last year. And I am starting to feel less interested in the self improvement videos I used to watch on youtube. They now seem really shallow, and i'm not gonna pretend i'm all of a sudden so much more conscious than everybody else because I watched the ego develelopment videos, knowing something and being something are not the same so I still have a lot to learn, but I like learning so it should be fun

 

[Leo Gura]

8 minutes ago, Don Wei said:

I have always been a very artistic person instead, and I constantly get amazing stories in my head, it hurts me and excites me at the same time that no one has already created these stories, so I thought if no one has created it yet than why couldn't I just do it ? And what I think would really fulfill me is sharing these stories with as many people as possible in some way or another.

This is what you need to focus on like a hawk while minimizing all the wasted energy on engineering.

Not only will this save you thousands of dollars and thousands of hours, it will also make you feel great.

You must muster the courage to wisely align your life with your highest heart's desires. This is the real work. Don't let the idiots around you who are not doing this dissuade you from doing it.

[LfcCharlie4]

@Don Wei Look into Self-Publishing. Write your stories and learn true marketing & branding. You can literally make millions doing what you love. Of course you need money to start though, so maybe finish your degree, save some money from your engineering job, while working on your writing & stories. 

[Don Wei]

@LfcCharlie4 yes that was the plan, but I first want to do traditional publishing, even if I won't make much money that way. Then when I have a lot of fans who will surely buy my books and when I already have enough money then and only then will I do self publishing. Right now nobody knows me so nobody is gonna buy my book and I don't have any kind of platform with people who could be interested in my books so that's the order I was going for but things can always go differently so if I somehow start making a lot of money writing books while i'm in college then I might not start working for any company at all. That would be the best case scenario. And then I could also focus more on improving myself.

[Guest SirVladimir]

3 hours ago, Don Wei said:

I have always been a very artistic person instead, and I constantly get amazing stories in my head, it hurts me and excites me at the same time that no one has already created these stories, so I thought if no one has created it yet than why couldn't I just do it ? And what I think would really fulfill me is sharing these stories with as many people as possible in some way or another.

Not so quick, coyote, you're not the first to stumble upon the treasure of writing 'round here!  PM me later if you're looking for tips regarding creativity. I found genius techniques to apply in writing. You will literally embody the stories.

[Elham]

Living in a third world country is so hard that just leaving it for a better country seems like a dream! But it must not be a purpose. Leaving your country just for the sake of leaving seems a mistake to me. Because u must have a plan after that. 

I hope u like the major u study and u have a plan to do something with it because that's a purpose which can get u out of the depression and hollowness u described.

 

[Guest SirVladimir]

24 minutes ago, Elham said:

I hope u like the major u study and u have a plan to do something with it because that's a purpose which can get u out of the depression and hollowness u described.

Nah, that's backwards. A major can't get you out of misery if it doesn't define your LP statement. Build education on your life purpose, not the other way around. 

[Don Wei]

@Elham i dont think moving to the netherlands was a mistake. I did not have a lot of oppertunities in Suriname and I already speak fluent dutch and english because I was born in the netherlands and I moved to suriname when I was 8, and dutch is also the main language in suriname because it used to be a dutch colony. I have lived in several differen't locations but i've lived in a tropical rainforest in the middle of nowhere for 8 years ! I almost didn't have any friends, I was isolated, I couldn't even go to the supermarket on my own because it was to far to walk and not safe to go with a bike. I almost didn't have a social life and the only things that made me happy were my family, nature, self improvement and my stories. My life was pretty dull, I did not do much and I first always wanted a girlfriend so I started with pickup and searching how to make money, then fitness, then redpill, then basic spirituality, and it just kept getting deeper. And sometimes I was able to go to the mall or the movies with some friends. But that's about it. Now i'm in a rich country I see that I have way more oppertunities to develop myself. And I also don't live with my parents in suriname anymore so things are very tough but its worth it

The first week some people were even laughing at me because everything amazed and fascinated me. Like when going into a trainstation for example. 

I feel a little better today but I still feel strange and uncomfortable. Maybe the fact that I almost don't have any social connections plays a role here. Or maybe not but it sometimes does feel like i'm looking for something, but I don't know what. It could be my purpose. Or enlightenement or something else. I also get very deep euphoric dreams from time to time, that could be amazing movies or books but I always forget those as soon as I wake up.

[Don Wei]

@SirVladimir alright thanks, there is always room for more creativity, so some tips could be very helpful 

[Guest SirVladimir]

2 hours ago, Don Wei said:

@SirVladimir alright thanks, there is always room for more creativity, so some tips could be very helpful 

Spoiler: SHAMANIC BREATHWORK

[blankisomeone]

8 hours ago, Don Wei said:

civil engineering

that's awesomeeee!

 

edit: very difficult and challenging ofc. But that's what makes it awesome

edit 2: read this book "a mind for numbers"  Seriously, it's a must. It'll help you in your major. Thank me for the recommendation later

edit 3: but yeah, man, you gotta realize that civil engineering is a difficult major that WILL require a lot of time, attention and effort, so LOVE it and throw yourself heart and soul into it. You'll learn a lot from it.

!!! You most likely won't have enough time to focus on other stuff. Ofc you can always TRY to carve out some time though, but your major must be a priority for now  if you choose to follow with it

edit 4: the Netherlands is great

Edited September 24, 2020 by blankisomeone

[LfcCharlie4]

On 24/09/2020 at 0:04 PM, Don Wei said:

@LfcCharlie4 yes that was the plan, but I first want to do traditional publishing, even if I won't make much money that way. Then when I have a lot of fans who will surely buy my books and when I already have enough money then and only then will I do self publishing. Right now nobody knows me so nobody is gonna buy my book and I don't have any kind of platform with people who could be interested in my books so that's the order I was going for but things can always go differently so if I somehow start making a lot of money writing books while i'm in college then I might not start working for any company at all. That would be the best case scenario. And then I could also focus more on improving myself.

Yeah, you can build your audience from the ground up, I and plenty of self publishers have done it, you just need $$ to grow your email list & FB group with a lead magnet and then you have fans wanting to buy your books. 
 

Going the traditional route is a bit silly no offence. You just need to learn basic marketing and sales if you’re gonna succeed, believe me. 

[Guest SirVladimir]

6 hours ago, LfcCharlie4 said:

Yeah, you can build your audience from the ground up, I and plenty of self publishers have done it, you just need $$ to grow your email list & FB group with a lead magnet and then you have fans wanting to buy your books.

Yeah, that's what I'm leaning towards too. The traditional route is almost off the map for a beginning writer. Too much hassle to seek and persuade a publisher. Especially if you plan a worldwide audience.

Quote

I and plenty of self publishers have done it

You're an author?  I'm planning to combine Facebook (for growing an audience) and Payhip (for selling the e-product). Have you found a better route?

[bejapuskas]

@Don Wei  You might be very highly conscious, but that doesn't mean you don't need to organize your schedule, manage your time, study efficiently, do all the work necessary, build practical skills etc... You still have 24 hours and 7 days a week, just like everyone else. Be easy on yourself, you are in this limited human condition in this life and you need to go with that. Don't rush anything, the beginnings might be very hard to adapt to, so take it one step at a time, your problems are solvable, but don't focus at all of them at once, that would just be even more overwhelming for you. Maybe start with managing your schedule and then when everything is taken care of related to your academics, move to going to gym, then meditation etc... Patience. 

Be careful with building this sort of successful mask and trying to show it to others. A successful mask can get you valuable contact information, it can get you invitations to nice events, it can get you money and fame, but it won't get you self-acceptance. If you think you are a successful person who studies at their dream school in the Netherlands or that you are a highly conscious person who meditates twice a day and writes a book, you will immediately start going against that. I don't know what happened earlier in your life, maybe in Suriname, maybe it was related to this lack of opportunities, but you literally cannot be accepted if you show others your false self, it's like trying, but for someone else. You need to throw away these concepts about your identity and what you are to be able to be authentic and feel accepted. 

You might be feeling that this bad feeling will always follow you, because it is actually a pointer that is pointing, that this problem is rooted in this identity, which indeed follows you everywhere you go. I get the sense that you just need to break out from the illusion of being perfect and go back to work. Don't be afraid of hard work, it can feel good as well, it might actually feel worse if you try to run away and procrastinate. 

And yes, life can be better, you are missing connection with what you are and what you want.