ShardMare

How to win friends and influence people

13 posts in this topic

This book is basically tells you to be people pleaser, be a fake person, be agreeable to everybody etc. Full of manipulation. Why do people recommend this book so much, why do people like it?? Its very very baad. Whats ur opinion about this book? Can you recommend good books about social skills?

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Yeah, that was like the first self-help book I've ever read and it caused some damage to my eary development. Wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

But what I do recommend is "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura. That book explains how to be an anti-nice guy and how to get real confidence and authenticity. No manipulation, no fuckin' around.

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On 05/08/2020 at 0:56 PM, ShardMare said:

Full of manipulation. Why do people recommend this book so much, why do people like it?? Its very very baad

Because most people buying it are in the stage of development where this is the only way they know to become successful and how to survive. This book is pretty much "How to be Orange 101"


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For me it was very enlightening. 

I saw it as opportunities to practice kindness, to practice basic social skills.

It was one of the first books I finished, at the beginning of my journey.

I guess this is also why people saw Marjorie, from GoT, like that. Where in fact, this stuff is just basic politeness.

Gain friends by being polite in a rude and undeserving world. It's actually quite a skill :)  

Edited by TripleFly

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It helps to be a well adjusted person in order to advance up the spiral dynamics stages. If you are wired to be an introvert that doesn't want to socialize and even has an aversion towards people or negative feelings towards them, that comes from childhood, so "faking" it in this manner will wire your own brain to crave socializing more, and thus over time can make you a happier, more well adjusted person.  Learning to socialize is like learning any new skill... it takes time and repetition to wire it into your subconscious mind and make it come natural to you. I always think of that line from the movie "Avatar" when I want to learn a new skill, where he talks about "it's like field stripping a weapon, repetition." 

A person must get over their negativity towards people if they want to grow, period. There's no quick fix around that. That phrase "fake it until you make it" has some merit.  You don't necessarily have to be an extrovert, but if you have any hangup towards people whatsoever it must be addressed in some manner.

The concept of "being yourself" ... well personality is actually a very impersonal aspect of one's being... I prefer to think of it as something I can hack and change to suit my goals.... 

Edited by sholomar

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@TripleFly When i tried what the book said (for 1 day) more people hit up a conversation but i felt anxious and just vulnerable idk. Idk i just feel this book is not the choice, its just a quick shortcut for getting friends, getting better at social skills etc.

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Having anxious feelings is a result of the limbic brain being in unfamiliar situations which can naturally be seen as a "threat" to the brain and is completely normal. Just gotta go with it, accept these sensations as they come and press on. In time you will desensitize to the new stimulus and not get anxiety anymore. Face that fear...

https://www.unlearninganxiety.com/amygdala/

Emotional mastery isn't about suppressing emotions or always feeling good, but about being able to sit with whatever emotions your brain throws at you and not react to them... Leo has videos about this.. "how to deal with strong negative emotions" and others... be an emotional superconductor... 

Edited by sholomar

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The book is recommended by many becuz it does work. I dont recommend living by those principles. But if you are in urgency of something, applying those and being likable to the extreme will inflate their egos and make them addicted to you. Its a psychological law. Its done unconscious. I have been guilty of doing it and falling into it. You need to be highly conscious in that moment to not react others people charms on you. 

Edited by Kalki Avatar

The riches of illusion do not even compare to the riches of freedom.  -Sri Sadguru Siddharameshwar Maharaj

 

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On 23.9.2020 at 8:33 PM, TripleFly said:

For me it was very enlightening. 

I saw it as opportunities to practice kindness, to practice basic social skills.

It was one of the first books I finished, at the beginning of my journey.

I guess this is also why people saw Marjorie, from GoT, like that. Where in fact, this stuff is just basic politeness.

Gain friends by being polite in a rude and undeserving world. It's actually quite a skill :)  

Yes, it is, but is it coming from an ego that behaves that way to manipulate and get something from others? Or from a conscious and loving person that sees himself in others, and communicates this way because it's healthier and he already has what he needs. The first one is what this book suggests..  

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On 9/25/2020 at 3:44 AM, Kalki Avatar said:

The book is recommended by many becuz it does work. I dont recommend living by those principles. But if you are in urgency of something, applying those and being likable to the extreme will inflate their egos and make them addicted to you. Its a psychological law. Its done unconscious. I have been guilty of doing it and falling into it. You need to be highly conscious in that moment to not react others people charms on you. 

That's a really sad way to look at it. Every individual has his/her good sides and you can always take joy from discovering/focusing on those. There is real value in speaking to any individual and indeed to as many different individuals as you possibly can. If 10,000 hours of practice makes you an expert in something, well...    

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The only thing i remember taking from this book is to use peoples names more. 

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