The End Of Seeking

[Average Investor]

@Raptorsin7  I mean in terms of value if that is what you have access too I would not worry about it especially if you are not worried about $400. You could gain plenty of value of insights on them. 

I thought the same about the shrooms, but you really should have an easier time with LSD from what I read. You are going to be in more control with your mind than compared to shrooms, so you could guide yourself out of a bad trip if you are not comfortable with it. Defintely, work your way up with it and take time to heal and process after each too will be essential to having good trips. Same with being in a good mood leading up to the trip. I mediate into the trip. 

[Raptorsin7]

On gratitude:

Gratitude is a topic I hear thrown around a lot. I have struggled with it because I haven't felt grateful for anything, so when i practice gratitude it's usually been forced and inauthentic. I wonder if gratitude can be work to bring an unhappy person to happiness, or if it only works to boost one's unhappiness once they have already found stable levels of happiness. However, recently I come across something in my life that I am actually grateful for and it makes me excited because I view it as a sign of progress. I'm grateful that right now i'm depressed and unhappy, and I was so dissatisfied with my life that I became a seeker of enlightenment and happiness. Without this down period of my life I would have never have found actualized.org and started becoming a hardcore seeker. I was literally fucked had i continued with the normal path. I feel bad for people that don't have this kind of realization, and end up chasing some object to try to obtain happiness and love. It's funny because when i talk about my unhappiness it always makes my family visibly uncomfortable. But it's literally the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I am going for genuine happiness and love here that is lasting. This is ultimate power. This is what i've been after my entire life. I'm so lucky to be where i'm at. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Want tip. 

Here it is.

Really let go. 

Just let go. 

Back off from everything. Try to see that all people all objects all things are "inside you". Even that body of yours is inside it, including all thinking. Now notice how toughts are so small. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Okay

 

[Raptorsin7]

I have a bunch of supplements. I just took L-theanine and the calming effects are really dramatic. I feel like almost drowsy but not quite. It's sapped my anxiety in half. This is the strongest supplement i've taken. I'm excited to use this early in the morning, because I think it will be easier to function with a quieted mind throughout the day. I think the anti-anixety and calming effects of the supplement will also suppress thinking. 

So far I have L-theanine, Vitamind D3, GABA, Fish Oil pills, and Liposomal Vitamin C. 

[Raptorsin7]

So i'm on the come down and still sort of high on LSD. 

Number one message from the trip that i'm taking away is: I'm sick and I need to heal

That is my mission statement or at least it should be. I am really sick and ill. I need to help myself get out of this jam i'm in. I'm stuck.

I have a choice to either act from love or fear. Act from love and everything will be okay.

New number one message lol: Go find a good therapist that can help deal me with these emotional issues. I think i've done all I can do i gotta look beyond myself for help now.

 

Edited January 6, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

This quote is from a post made by the user below. This is truth in my opinion. This really resonated with me.

My parents love was always my connection to the divine through Unconditional Love.

When my dad cheated on my mom is exactly the moment i felt this fall from grace. 

Now after a dozens of awakening experiences and integrating the shadow i realize more and more that our pure love as a child was our bridge to the Divine. We just forgot. 

Want to see how conditioned we've become? Love yourself deeply as a state of being (without per se chasing the emotion). And see how it triggers a feeling of inferiority, shame, fear of betrayal etc. These emotions are ingrained in us after we've felt heartbreak. To not happen again. We don't want to feel Love/the Divine because there is nothing more painful than it being taken from us.

The trick is recognizing it was you all the time which was Love. Not your parents. No one else. They just symbolized a part of yourself.

@Visionary

Edited January 6, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

I had a successful LSD trip. I didn't get a peak experience, or a non-dual state or anything. But I realized that I need help. I have a lot of work to do on my mental health, physical health, diet etc. 

My purpose moving forward is to heal myself. This is the goal for me right now. Therapy, float tank, yoga, diet, gym, coaching sessions. These are the tools that i'm going to use to heal my mind and my spirit. 

This work is very humbling. Part of me thought i'd walk in here with my meditation practice and hit enlightenment easy. This was misguided on my part. I have much work to do before I can even think about tackling enlightenment. 

This is all excellent news. I can start addressing the root causes of my unhappiness by taking practical steps, and not holding up some esoteric goal like enlightenment to keep me going. I don't need enlightenment to end my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life. 

A big message from my trip was to love the truth. The truth will set me free. I am aware that I lie a lot, but the extend of my lying may be even deeper than i ever anticipated. 

I'm in 24/7 heal mode from now on. 

Edited January 7, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[zeroISinfinity]

2 hours ago, Raptorsin7 said:

I had a successful LSD trip. I didn't get a peak experience, or a non-dual state or anything. But I realized that I need help. I have a lot of work to do on my mental health, physical health, diet etc. 

My purpose moving forward is to heal myself. This is the goal for me right now. Therapy, float tank, yoga, diet, gym, coaching sessions. These are the tools that i'm going to use to heal my mind and my spirit. 

This work is very humbling. Part of me thought i'd walk in here with my meditation practice and hit enlightenment easy. This was misguided on my part. I have much work to do before I can even think about tackling enlightenment. 

This is all excellent news. I can start addressing the root causes of my unhappiness by taking practical steps, and not holding up some esoteric goal like enlightenment to keep me going. I don't need enlightenment to end my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life. 

A big message from my trip was to love the truth. The truth will set me free. I am aware that I lie a lot, but the extend of my lying may be even deeper than i ever anticipated. 

I'm in 24/7 heal mode from now on. 

 

Truth =God=Infinite Love=Infinite Conciousness =YOU

THIS =YOU

 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity I'm not sure if i'm ready for the truth yet though. I think i'm better served focusing my attention on more basic self help for now. Proper diet, routine, making friends, treating my depression. I'm not abandoning the path, i'm still going to meditate and talk to @Nahm. But i need to walk before i can run. My ego is very big. I need this humbling process I think.

Were you depressed and unhappy before you found truth @zeroISinfinity?

I can feel myself, or consciousness in my eyes when i ask the question who am I. This became clearer during my LSD trip. But I don't know how this helps me right now. I have a lot of inner work to do to heal, maybe i'm just not ready? I don't know though.

Edited January 7, 2020 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

What I accomplished today:

• Float tank 90 minutes- This will be very important in my healing process. I want to try to and do the tank everyday, or as often as possible.
• Meditation- This habit needs work. I don't usually feel very relaxed after my meditation, which should be the entire point for me right now. I'm going to start reading TMI so i can have a better grasp of the meditation technique. I think i'll continue exploring with guided and just plain deep breathing and see what sticks.
• Walk at night- I really enjoy going for walks. Right now i like walks at night because i have anxiety about just walking around during the day randomly. I think morning walks can be good. But for now i will do night walks because that is better than nothing.
• I did not order take out. I ate all my meals from food i had at my home which was big for me. Food is mood. This is one area of my life i have yet to ever make real progress in and there is tremendous possibility for growth. I'm going to start by just limiting the amount of take out I order and the types of take out.
• I was active in reminding myself of my purpose. My purpose is to heal. This will be in the mind with everything I do moving forward. I want to help others who deal with problems i am dealing with now. But first I need to heal.

[Bill W]

@Raptorsin7 Hi. I'm thinking of trying l-theanine due to it's supposed calming properties. My default setting is anxiety and fear. Usually I prefer to stay away from supplements as I think a lot of that industry does prey on people's vulnerabilities, but it's probably wise to keep an open mind. You said l-theanine had quite a dramatic effect? I was wondering what dose you were using and it it was powder or tablet etc? Thanks. 

Edited January 7, 2020 by Bill W

[Raptorsin7]

@Bill W Hey man. I am also an anxious person too. Okay, so i take it in pill form. I take 2 pills in the morning, and the first day i really noticed a dramatic effect but i haven't been paying as much attention to the effect recently. I am new to the nootropic game so i can't provide a ton of help. But i have heard a lot of positive reviews from taking the right supplement on the forum, and i'm open minded so i'm trying it out.

Have you checked out the nootropics mega thread?  

The two i'd recommend trying are pharma gaba and l-theanine. 

One thing i've realized lately though is be very careful with the rest of your diet. My suspicion is these supplements are subtle in their effect, so if you're downing junk food and taking these you won't get much out of it. Which is what i've been up and until recently lol.

I think it's worth trying for sure though.  I think L-theanine and pharma gaba are supposed to stack well with coffee. So if you drink coffee but you get jittery or too worked up then these supplements can help directly with that.

 

[Bill W]

@Raptorsin7 Thanks for this. Been researching it today. I've put it on hold as I have a prior history of handing all of my recovery over to pills and supplements and not doing any work myself on my inner issues, but that's my story. I am not very sensible with these kind of things so need to be extra cautious but it's great to get your feedback so thank you. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Bill W No problem. Here's my perspective on pills and supplements. They do something. I think a lot of our problems, especially anxious people like you and me, is we have difficulty breaking our patterns. Like right now i'm unhappy and depressed. The labels don't matter so much, but the point is my life is going in a direction i'm just not happy with anymore. So, i need to make a change. Whatever i'm doing in my day is feeding the state that i don't like anymore. So here's where pills come in. It's hard to just stop what you're doing in the moment and transform your life. It requires discipline, focus etc. Pills can change your state so you're better able to make changes to your life so you can get the ball rolling in another direction and build a life you actually like living. But here's the problem. Many people, I think, take pills and expect the changed state to be the end of the game. They take the pills and they think okay i've handled my problem, depression addiction etc, but they don't actually make structural changes to their lives. If you use pills to help get the ball rolling to do all the other things that are necessary to improve your life, like changing your diet, seeing a therapist, getting out of your house, then they will be much more effective. That's my 2 cents anyways.

[Bill W]

@Raptorsin7 Yes well said. Actually i forgot to say I am on SSRI long-term for OCD, so I appreciate the need for chemical assistance. What your doing is good, it's being open minded. But, I have history of getting carried away, so researching L-Theanine could then lead to obsessively looking at loads of other options and not knowing when to stop. I agree with one of your sentiments, as it reads like "leave no stone unturned" which is good. 

For obsessives and addicts (and we are all somewhere on that scale probably) it can be a fine line between sensible "looking around" and "research" and then the other side of that coin, that leads to distraction, avoidance, compulsive spending, and general dysfunction 

 

[Raptorsin7]

@Bill W Very true. I am guilty of that with this forum for sure. I've been using it to distract from the core changes I need to make in my life. But that's changing now. Yeah i think everyone here who is improving themselves here suffers from similar core problems, we just have different ways of going about it.

[Raptorsin7]

How’s the clean diet, fitness, etc?

Also, are you believing thoughts about yourself, or no?

Do you meditate, write about the feelings that arise, put what you want on a dream board?

Very important advice from @Nahm

These are basics that I am going to focus on mastering moving forward.

[Raptorsin7]

Going to work on cutting my time on the forum. I spend too much time browsing, and I end up confusing myself with all these concepts. Keep it simple.

I spend too much time isolated in my apartment as well. This is a huge trap. The isolation and loneliness is bad for my mental health and makes me feel worse.

I want to start going to bed much earlier and waking up much earlier. It gets dark here pretty early and I just don't like functioning at night. I feel fear at night and I find myself just paralyzed doing nothing past like 9pm.

What I do first thing in the morning, and what I do last before i go to bed are huge deals. I have completely missed this, and it's been a huge blind spot. I have been waking up to browsing the forum and i always sleep in, and then when i go to bed i have been usually eating shitty take out right before bed and smoking weed. No wonder i'm depressed HA. These habits are toxic. Just this subtle change can be trans formative I know it. 

Moving forward I'm cutting the weed and the junk food at night. I'm not going to go crazy if i relapse here, but these two habits at night have been toxic and i have completely underestimated their impact on my life.

I'm going to start reading TMI. And i'm going to use Sam Harris' meditation app for my meditations moving forward until i gain some more momentum with my practice. I find when i just sit with no guide, i get lost in thought and i have nothing to bring me back to the present.

Much work to be done moving forward. But my path is clearer now then it was before. My purpose is to heal myself. Heal my depression, heal my diet, heal my mind, and my soul. 

[Raptorsin7]

I'm starting to read The Mind Illuminated. Total game changer. I've been meditating for a few years now but it's mostly been me following random guided meditations or just sitting down and trying to do something i think is meditation. This book has an excellent map of how to progress, and I can see how easy it is to get stuck meditating without a clear map and path to follow.

So thankful I found this book.