The End Of Seeking

[Raptorsin7]

I just bought 400$ worth of LSD  

I'm planning on doing weekend trips and going deep inside to inspect core beliefs about myself that are preventing me from experiencing love and happiness.

My life is perfect. Literally. This is the truth. Everything is already perfect. Nothing needs to be changed. My life is fully compatible with unconditional love and happiness. This is it. But i don't feel it.

I think i have conciously or subconsciously blocked my ability to feel emotional extremes. I feel emotionally numb. It's difficult to feel a lot. I think i did this is as a child because my parents react very negatively to emotional outbursts. I can see it in my grandma. One of my neighbors is an old lady who's husband just died and my grandma just kept saying "don't worry" over and over when the girl talked. My grandma supresses the extreme emotions from when her husband died I think. so everyone in my family had to learn to stunt their emotional development to prevent her from freaking out. I think at least not sure. The root doesn't really matter, other than going in and liberating myself from the toxic beliefs.

I feel like i'm on a great path. I'm going to be doing weekly skype sessions with @Nahm so i can uncover toxic beliefs that are preventing my inner being from shining through. 

Been doing some inner work. But i am very resistant to it. My body/mind does not like going inside it seems. Doesn't matter. This is the path. I want love and happiness. I'm sick of feeling disconnected. 

 

[Raptorsin7]

Enlightenment is not a concept. Enlightenment is not a theory. Enlightenment cannot be solved or rationalized. Enlightenment is felt. Don't think your way to salvation. Feel your way to salvation.

[Raptorsin7]

@modmyth Thanks. I'll do a longer write up now that I know i got some fans haha  I've had a mini awakening/breakthrough today so expect some good content moving forward! 

[Nahm]

@Raptorsin7

A little cautionary love perhaps....♥️

Daily meditation is most important. One who says “I don’t know how to let go”....and yet “I don’t meditate”...is tricking oneself.

If you do a psychedelic, do so just for the experience, just because that’s what you want to do - not because it will fix anything, nor bring happiness. I’m not saying do it, and I’m not saying don’t - I’m saying tune into your intention.  

Uncover beliefs, just for the experience of uncovering beliefs. Just to explore. Not to “solve” anything. Nothing is wrong. Nothing is in need of solving. You don’t need anything to feel happiness. You are already enough, as you are, however you are. 

It can be a sneaky trap... adding a new belief, that beliefs are preventing love. 

How to let go of beliefs...sit and relax - meditate. The urge to do, achieve, ‘get things done so I can feel better’, ‘get busy doing so I can feel good about myself’ - arises as tension in the body. Breathe, relax, let it go. Happiness is what experiences that thought. Love is what experiences that thought. Do not believe the thoughts. You are already the awareness of thoughts. Don’t believe them - choose from them - create with them, by focusing on thoughts that feel good. 

Don’t buy into an arising idea... “If I do X, then I’ll feel happy.” 

 

A reliable question, always in this now - how does what I am focusing on feel ?

Am I choosing the thoughts which feel better? Am I letting go now, vs choosing a thought “This will fix it in the future. I will feel better when X”. 

An example....”When I lose twenty pounds, I’ll feel better”. That belief is enough to miss that I already, immediately, feel good, as I am consciously choosing self-love for my body. Notice the intention, feel the intention, of self-love. This is not quite the same as identifying within the body, and feeling better once it is “fixed”.

The “plan”, the “unfolding of it”, is just for the enjoyment of the experience, just for the feeling good of it - not to “solve” any “problems”. If there is a “problem” - it is “problem thinking”, or, the perspective itself: “there is a problem”. There is not a “problem”, you are already whole, complete, infinitely worthy.

Consider the common misunderstanding of desire, and attachment. Someone who attaches feeling good to “when I get a convertible car”. They feel the desire, the drive...when they get the car, and they feel good. But the ‘new car experience’ soon becomes ‘the same old car experience’...the feeling good was attached to that which comes and goes (the car)...and so the feeling good too, comes & goes. Then, the desire to feel good arises again, and is attached to another thing: “when I have more money”, “when I know my life purpose”, “when I awaken”, “when I am enlightened”...

Fill the dream board with all that you are wanting - and let it go. Be done with it in thinking. Let go of “how “. Keep the focus on why - for the ride, the thrill, the feeling of experience now, not in a future. Don’t second guess the universe. What you are wanting is indeed coming. Notice resistant thoughts, and let them go. Don’t believe you need to “solve” them. Let them go.

FEEL the desire. Let the thinking go, and feel into the journey itself - the Right Now of it. Feel the desire, because it feels great & exhilarating. Feel the aliveness - the vitality of feeling. 

The inner being is always shining through. You’re always attracting. 

The world, so to speak, convinces one that happiness is attained in the future. Meditation ‘un-teaches’, ‘let’s go’ of beliefs, & the habit of future happiness thinking follows - gos - ...leaving one present now. 

People believe they must struggle and suffer to better their situation. This is an idea of the self, an idea of me. It’s a self limiting reductive belief. 

The self is what all experience transpires within, ‘where’ all that comes & goes, comes & goes. 

When one is believing happiness will come in the future, one is subtly attaching to the idea of self worth, that something need be done or accomplished, to be worthy of feeling good. That one is “earning”, rather than attracting. That one “needs”, rather than wants & creates what one wants, happily.

Now, is fine as it is. Any beliefs that something more is needed for happiness, can be let go of, now. If there is resistance, it is felt. It is felt when the thinking  ”I must hustle, strive, do, so that I can be happy” arises. Un-attach from those thoughts, because of how they feel.  Let them go.

You can be happy now, fully satisfied now - and excited for more - thrilled for what’s coming - Now.

[Ingit]

Good Luck ? and a Happy new year

[Raptorsin7]

@Ingit Thank you. You too good luck

[Raptorsin7]

Things are looking up for me.

I don't feel really happy or enlightened yet but I can see the path much clearer now.

The key is to remind to myself of the fact that my life is already perfect. There's nothing out there that can make me happy. I can imagine the best case scenario so to speak. Billion dollars, super powers, amazing girlfriend, etc. Whatever feeling I think i'm going to get from those things is possible right here right now. And it doesn't require anything. The feeling you think you would get from being handed a billion dollars is possible in the now. In fact the now can feel 100000 billion times better than winning the billion dollars. That's what people don't get. It's not the things in life that make us happy. It's the why behind the things. Okay I rambled.

Main point: Happiness and love only ever exist right now in the present moment. And there's no requirements. My experience right now is fully compatible with happiness and love.

[Raptorsin7]

Insight into my childhood:

Disclaimer: I've done inner child work a few years ago when I overcame my depression and so this entry will be a of a past event that i have already gone through and addressed. Not sure how much it still affects me but i'm pretty sure there are other parts of my childhood that I have not addressed yet that I will try to post about then i go through them

I grew up in a house with 9 people. My family, me my brother and my mom and dad, and my dad's brother's family who had 2 kids one older than one younger and my grandma. I was bullied my by brother so I was also a bully to my little cousin. I was kind of a crazy kid, I had some subtle emotional issues but my family is stage blue 1st/2nd generation immigrants from India so they had no way of understanding or dealing with my emotional state as a child. One day i bullied my cousin my punching him and making him cry I think, i can't remember exactly what I did. But then later in the day his mom, my aunt, came home and she was furious. She was screaming and chasing me around the house, and I remember hiding in my mom's closet trying to avoid her. I was pretty scared, and then my mom came home and protected me. That was a common theme in my house I think I would do something wrong or abusive towards my cousins and then my mom would protect me. 

I remember after my depression I went to aunt's house and confronted her about it haha  She also deals with emotional issues and i don't blame her for trying to protect her son. My family was chaotic because there were so many people living under one roof. It's common with Indian families to have so many people living in one house, for financial reasons I think. But it can do a lot of damage to people I think. 

I think a big lesson from this memory is that I should be aware of what memories I remember from childhood. We remember stuff for a reason. Based on the emotional content of the memory. So this memory involved a certain emotional memory or wound, and the fact that it even exists in my memory is a sign that there is something in that memory that affects me. I do wonder if it's enough to just uncover the memories or if I actually need to go into the memory and do something. I have a suspicion that it's enough to just go into the memory and fully embrace and accept each traumatic memory. Like I have many traumatic memories, and by traumatic i mean a memory that invoked some emotional response in the moment, but I think there might be traumatic memories that I don't even remember I had. This is where psychedelics can be useful. Hopefully it will show me what has been repressed.  

Edited December 31, 2019 by Raptorsin7

[Raptorsin7]

On lying:

My uncle gave me 500$ for Christmas. I spent most of it on LSD. And my dad just asked me what I did with the money. I was honest, i told him i bought LSD. My dad is hardcore stage blue ignoramus. He was visibly disturbed and confused. I wonder what cascade this honesty will have. I could have just lied and said I bought something else or that I just moved the money. But i will see what karma is caused by telling the truth in this situation or lying about it.

[Raptorsin7]

Insight into childhood:

When i was in pre-school and kindergarten (so 5 and 6?) I used to have a hard time being alone in class away from my mom. My mom would drop me off at school and I would scream and cry like crazy because I didn't want her to leave. I remember literally screaming and crawling in the hallways of my pre-school because i just didn't want her to leave. I remember my pre-school would just let me play with the best toys and I didn't even participate in the class work some days because they just wanted to keep my calm.

I don't have the emotional extremes anymore like i did when i was a kid. But i think that's a major issue in my life. I have a feeling that i stunted my emotional development to prevent these kinds of extremes. I don't experience crazy crying outbursts in my life so i have avoided the lows, but i also don't feel like high levels of happiness or love (or even medium levels tbh). 

I do wonder what feeling i was running away from when my mom would leave me at school. Fear of abandonment i guess? Not sure why I had a fear of abandonment as a kid, my parents weren't divorced and i'm pretty sure my family was usually with me. I wonder if I was just so sensitive to the abandonment that when my mom would go to work, that was enough to just trigger the baby version of me and I just couldn't cope. 

Hopefully someone who is reading this understands childhood trauma. Is it enough for me to just go inside and acknowledge the memories? I feel like i'm open to reliving the memories. My childhood traumas usually just involved me crying like crazy and freaking out, and either my parents hitting me or locking me outside until i calmed down. Dam I wish my parent's knew what they were doing better. I definitely resent my parents for having no idea how to raise happy well adjusted children. I really do not love them. It's probably because I have little capacity to love in me in general, so there's not much left over for them. I like to view our relationship as a business transaction. They fucked my childhood. I spend their money. I really gotta transcend this childish notion eventually  

All in all though I like my childhood. All that matters is the present anyway. It doesn't matter what my childhood was, or what my parents did. All that matters is I learn to accept and integrate these traumatic experiences to improve the quality of my life.

[zeroISinfinity]

On 31.12.2019. at 9:30 AM, Raptorsin7 said:

Enlightenment is not a concept. Enlightenment is not a theory. Enlightenment cannot be solved or rationalized. Enlightenment is felt. Don't think your way to salvation. Feel your way to salvation.

Yes! 

Who wrote that?

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity Me.

I went for 2 hour walk the other day and that sentence clicked for me. I have been thinking about how to be happy and satisfied for so long because I think i'm smart. But i spent no time actually feeling. I realized what i want is to feel happiness. I don't want happiness, i want to feel. 

I know i have to fully accept every thought and feeling in the moment. This is it. My happiness is right here. It's still hard though. I see the path more clearly now. But i'm still not done. Still not feeling the love yet. But i'm making progress for sure now. 

Accepting and fulling acknowledging my own unhappiness and dissatisfaction with life has been huge. I used to be afraid to admit my own unhappiness, but the more I own it the better I feel about my whole situation. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Yes. Well dissapointment with life is what I beleive pull most people to seek. Most important and only thing that really is, is missing from their lives. 

 

If you want to ask me why I wanted to discover God. 

First time in my life I felt real actual compassion for people I know. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity What made you seek in the first place though? Did you have a random moment of compassion that drove you?

For me it's literally just happiness and satisfaction with life. I feel very little for people around me tbh. I guess I care for my human being but that's about it. Doesn't matter though ultimately. Seeking my own happiness will lead to me helping others. 

[zeroISinfinity]

Well in full Truth my ego was played out by this thing ❤️ so hard that it's not even funny lol. 

It wasn't random but felt real need to find answers. Taken full responsability for it. Quite a journey quite a ride. 

As for you. What you really deep down love to do. What you really like. 

[Average Investor]

On 12/30/2019 at 10:50 PM, Raptorsin7 said:

I just bought 400$ worth of LSD  

Hopefully you got a bulk deal haha. I have not tried LSD yet. Just shrooms a few times. Do you test yours? If I get some sometime soon I will test it and see how everything goes. 

[Raptorsin7]

@zeroISinfinity I'm not sure what i really love or like to be honest. I want to feel amazing and feel happy in the moment that is what I want. Once i feel good and amazing then I will think about what i really love.

I honestly don't love anyone or anything right now. Like I like meditation and yoga and working out because it makes me feel better and that's all I really care about.

[Raptorsin7]

@Average Investor Haha I'm not sure how good of a deal i got tbh. I'm bad with money I just throw it around  

I have a drug test kit. I'm planning on testing mine before I take it. I also gave some too my friends so i'll ask them if they tested it too to double check.

I'm very excited to use these substances for spiritual progress. I think there is a lot to be learned if these things are used properly. I'm going back to my apartment today, i've spent the last few weeks back home with my parents, and i'm planning on making a long thread to ask people the best way to trip to accomplish my goals. Hopefully you find something of value there.

[Average Investor]

@Raptorsin7 I think out here $10 a tab is about the going rate. But I suppose it really depends on the area. Strength and everything will play a big role. 

Yeah, I have been thinking about tripping again soon to dive deeper and explore. I definitely needed a break for awhile since last time though. I took a couple months off. I was thinking about death everyday for quite awhile after my last trip, which was good in a lot of ways, but definitely did not need to do anything else on top of it. 

Some of the trip reports I have read blow me away on the insights that can be gained. Just keep a slow pace going though. Because I know how it feels to want to up dosages faster etc. Take time to heal and expand. 

[Raptorsin7]

@Average Investor I got 70 tabs for $400. Where are you from?

Yeah i'm not planning on doing high doses. I do fear a "bad" trip so I'm going to be pretty thorough in how I plan the trip out. I've done LSD before so I know what the experience is like at least a bit. But i've never done it with the intention of going inside and uncovering beliefs and finding happiness etc.