Uncover

Racism-breaking my relationship!

11 posts in this topic

Hi,

I'm a 23 years old guy. So, I met this girl ~10 months ago. She have darker skin, some people would call her type gypsy even though, in my honest opinion, she isn't. My parents are part of "some people". They never meet her. From the day they saw her photo they (mostly my father) started mocking her and me for being with her. Her parent like me and I like them. I had a fight with my parents back then because of this. I really like this girl. I didn't went home for months. I really despised the fact that they mocked her. I told her that my parents don't agree with our relationship and that my father mocked her and me. So she was really angry and disappointed and decided that she'll never meet my parents.

So time passed, we kinda put this matter away and enjoyed our time together. Some time ago I told her that we have a wedding in my family and that I'd be happy if she'll accompany me. Obviously, she refused for the obvious reason of being hurt by my parents. I was disappointed. Time passed. A couple days ago she told me that she has a wedding in her family and that she'll like me to accompany her. Without thinking, I faltered a moment then declined. She asked me why, because she didn't want to come to mine? I nod my head yes. So we fight over this, she said that I don't want to go because of my vanity, that I have too big of an ego. She said that it's a big difference, that I'm welcomed there but she's not so welcomed at my wedding. She was right in both matters no matter how much I tried to turn it around.

So we kept arguing on this matter and at some point I said the devastating words "this kind of people". She: " this kind of people? So, it means I'm part of -this kind of people- is that so?" It means even you think like your parents". It was also her birthday, she cried. I didn't try to deny it because I don't really like gypsy people because of their violent and nasty behavior. I tried to assure her that she's not part of "that kind of people" and that I really care about her. She said that said "this kind of people" and that it results that she's part of that. I tried to explain to her that just because she has darker skin she isn't part of "that kind of people".

Of course, there shouldn't be any kind of people, we are all humans, but in my head there is. That's even how my parents raised me, to despise gypsy people.  She wasn't convinced and she'll never be. She said that I have preconceived ideas regarding her. We didn't talk and I don't know if we'll ever again. She's really serious about this. Is there anything I can do, or I should accept that this is over and avoid "this kind of people"? Even if we talk again, our relationship will never work. She'll never want to face my parents. And my parents will always despise her. But I really care for her. I don't want it to be over but what's there to be done? 

Gratefully

Uncover

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You have an opportunity here to expand your capacity to love. Yet you would need to acknowledge and let go of some conditioning in your mind and body. It can be uncomfortable, yet it is well worth it. Expanding one’s capacity to love is deeply profound and transformative. 

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@Serotoninluv So, about my relationship. I stay passive and accept its' ending..? :/

@Leo Gura What are your thoughts on this? I should do nothing? :(

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56 minutes ago, Uncover said:

@Serotoninluv So, about my relationship. I stay passive and accept its' ending..? :/

I’d let go of beliefs that others programmed into me. Let go of those beliefs that are causing me pain by interfering with my desire and capacity to love. We are allowed to do that, it’s totally legal. We can get rid of old beliefs and see the world with a new pair of glasses. Then we can be open and follow our heart and true desires.

I also grew up with racist parents. They mocked dark skinned people too. The same crap got conditioned into me. I got into a relationship with a black woman I really liked. And that crappy conditioning came up. I didn’t even know it was there, it just came up. She could feel it and I felt bad. Then I realized there was subconscious racism conditioned into me. It was all bullshit that and holding me down. I wanted to be free of it, so I got rid of it. Then I was free to love her.

 

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Posted (edited)

If you're an American and I told you that Americans are stupid retarded people, but you're special and I care about you, you would probably have the same reaction as hers.

That, in my opinion, is the worst compliment ever, and the second worst thing that you can say to a girl (the first thing being telling her she's fat whether she is or isn't).

I think you still have a chance, you can probably retrieve your relationship, but you have to apologise and admit how wrong, closed-minded, and racist you were (make sure you use better language in your apology), and then make up for her because you've hurt her feelings. And also make sure you don't repeat the same mistake again, whether with her or in any future possible relationship.

The most important thing right now is fixing your racism issues.

Edited by Truth Addict

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Even if you fix it with her, the parent issue will still be there. So it’s not only about you and your upbringing, it’s also dealing with your parents and their attitude towards her. There might be more hurtful moments for her in the future. How will she deal with that? Can she handle your slip ups now and then even if it’s not meant? Can she handle the constant rejection by your parents? I think that for this to work, you both need to understand what you are getting yourself into. I think you need to have a very honest conversation about this because moments will come were you have to choose between her or your parents. Of course, things can change but it’s easier to be prepared for unpleasant surprise. Personally, I don’t talk to my parents and don’t ever intend to just because they hurt me way too many times and I have no regrets.


I have an opinion on everything :D

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Are there any books that maybe can help me solve my racism problem? I don't really know how to get rid of my conditioning. 

 

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Posted (edited)

@Uncover I've partially read a book once that recommended this test, I can't find the book and I did not read it completely. 

https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatouchtest.html

From reading news mags they said it's not a very good predictor for a bias, yet they receive small results.

https://www.vox.com/identities/2017/3/7/14637626/implicit-association-test-racism

Edited by ValiantSalvatore

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From what I get your parents (dad) are real racists. 

But are you sure they are real racists or just Bigots? 

A Bigot is a person who will just say all sorts of ignorant racist things but at heart they are not racist. Their actions are not racist. 

I used to have this neighbour who would always fix my car. He drove a pick-up truck with a big American flag with the eagle on the he back. He would always say all sorts of racist things about Black people and Latinos and Obama. 

Then his favourite nephew would come over and they would fix cars together and grill steals and stuff, and this kid was half Latino and looked very much Latino. 

He would help Black people fix their car and stuff too. 

 

In my family we say all sorts of racist stuff and make racist jokes and my girl is Black and my daughter is mixed and they are totally loved and accepted. She and her family joke about White people too. 

If you never introduced your girlfriend to your parents maybe you should do it. They can get to know her for who she really is. Maybe at heart they really are not that racist. Maybe your dad just thinks it's funny to talk shit. 

 

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Posted (edited)

4 hours ago, Uncover said:

Are there any books that maybe can help me solve my racism problem? I don't really know how to get rid of my conditioning. 

 

Spend more time with people of different ethnicities. The lectures on this channel are also interesting: https://www.youtube.com/user/sociology119/videos There are many interesting videos (I didn't watch most of them) like:

By the way, even if you fix it with yourself, the racism issue will still exist in the external environment. I'm mixed race and my mother had many troubles with this, and I also have difficulties sometimes.

Edited by Raphael

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