Marinus

Not being able to fall in love

21 posts in this topic

After contemplating my falling in love with my ex I discovered I didn't fall in love, I was just neurotically obsessed as I had no experience with girls. 

I wonder if it's possible for a human being to be unable to fall in love. I'm a very logic driven guy and I have the ability to analyse people and determine what the want, what their motives are, what their strong point are and their fault (the last two are my subjective judgments). Of course I'm not always right and everyone can do this. I think the way I see people will create a mental picture that about them which will prevent my hormones to trigger :x

When I'm looking for a partner I rather look at personality compatibility  instead of just feeling great. My brother is madly in love with his girlfriend and I see how that can change a person for better and worse. I think my way is a wise way to "choose" a partner, but something in me wants to experience how falling in love feels. 

I like to read your thoughts. 


Check out my channel :ph34r:

https://youtu.be/0uZJOhDxHzs

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I have fallen in love time and again with no effort. 

If i tell you any strategy to do so, it would be self-defeating. I don't understand why you're conceptualizing love. And thinking of it in terms of neuroscience. Also, I don't think you can make yourself fall in love with someone, atleast not consciously. 

And how and why do you draw a distinction between your neurotic obsession and falling in love, when if you claim the former, and don't know the latter, you should technically be unable to draw any such distinction. And not having experienced love, you are formulating a theory to explain it, which is making you get lost in concepts. 

TLDR : Allow yourself to feel emotions and not get into the chemistry of it all. 

There is no one other than you, who determines whether or not you're falling in love, when that experience happens. 

 

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@Marinus Falling in love is brain chemistry induced activity. During the infatuation phase of a new relationship (which can last up to 3 years) we get bombarded by 'love' chemicals and this can be very deceptive. People tend to idealize the other person, put them on a pedestal, and this makes them blind to the real person in front of them.

The reason we fall for someone is directly connected to our unmet needs. People want to be wanted to fill voids within themselves. This is one of the reasons co-dependency is such a common thing in relationships, when we look for the other to fill what we think we lack within ourself and think this will make us whole again.

This is, of course, an illusion. A healthy relationship is an entity of its own, it's a circle that overlaps/shared with each individuals' independent circles. The two individuals' circles don't overlap each other, that would be enmeshment, which is not healthy.

There is a great video on point in the relationship sub-forum I posted a couple weeks ago, called "If You Want True Love, Stop Doing This One Thing' by Jack Butler. Very insightful, highly recommend.

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12 minutes ago, Marinus said:

@assx95 Because when you fall in love you are blind to someones "faults" right?

Blinded to the fact that I am a logical man is a deep belief, and the love you speak of is the actuality of your identity. 

That “blindedness” is a gross (apparent) limitation of Love by the thinking & believing it literally “coming from” a thing / person. 

Love is what is, without any such beliefs. Love is giving your true self to the world. Love is not received, obtained, or created.


  Nonduality & Meditations         

Empty your head, fulfill your heart       

 

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4 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Blinded to the fact that I am a logical man is a deep belief, and the love you speak of is the actuality of your identity. 

That “blindedness” is a gross (apparent) limitation of Love by the thinking & believing it literally “coming from” a thing / person. 

Love is what is, without any such beliefs. Love is giving your true self to the world. Love is not received, obtained, or created.

Yes, this is God's love, it has no agenda. You can't fall in out of it. it's what is.

I think @Marinus is inquiring into a human/romantic kind of love, though. But yeah I agree with your post above.

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47 minutes ago, Marinus said:

something in me wants to experience how falling in love feels. 

Have a direct look into that “something”, see what it actually is. Don’t allow yourself to write it off with a word - “something”. 


  Nonduality & Meditations         

Empty your head, fulfill your heart       

 

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@Natasha There is no relationship love, this is love contextualized. That love, is Being , our shared Being. Without recognition of this, it is fought for, fought over, fought against...arguments, resentments, manipulation, etc, etc. In recognition of Love, our shared Being - none of this is possible, there is no reason to acuse & defend, nothing to argue about, there is only Love and loving. No?


  Nonduality & Meditations         

Empty your head, fulfill your heart       

 

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20 minutes ago, Nahm said:

@Natasha There is no relationship love, this is love contextualized. That love, is Being , our shared Being. Without recognition of this, it is fought for, fought over, fought against...arguments, resentments, manipulation, etc, etc. In recognition of Love, our shared Being - none of this is possible, there is no reason to acuse & defend, nothing to argue about, there is only Love and loving. No?

100% agree. Love = Being.

Marinus is looking for a life partner, and I know you have one. What made you choose that particular one out of a billion others out there?

 

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@Natasha I took the post as about love itself, what he’s learned, what he’s seeking in love, not finding it because of the seeking of it...”I wonder if it’s possible for a human being not to fall in love”, etc. Love was found as already there, beneath the barriers I added. It was never found in a relationship - that was another barrier I added, rather, it is infused, given, offered without a string of ‘relationship’, or a web of ‘life partner’. 

If the post was “How do I find a life partner”, I’d interpret that altogether different. I am crazy though, so, you know. 

My 2 cents, is essentially, he is everything he is seeking - while being ‘logical’, etc. When that shines, for realz, consciousness is the perfect partner, right out of the woodwork, explainable only after the fact - there she is.


  Nonduality & Meditations         

Empty your head, fulfill your heart       

 

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Thank you, that's perfect

6 minutes ago, Nahm said:

Love was found as already there, beneath the barriers I added. It was never found in a relationship - that was another barrier I added, rather, it is infused, given, offered without a string of ‘relationship’, or a web of ‘life partner’. 

@Marinus

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@Marinus Love your channel btw, subscribed. Love to see a video from ya called “Why try psychedelics, from a logical man’s perspective”. Keep up the great work! 🙏🏻


  Nonduality & Meditations         

Empty your head, fulfill your heart       

 

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Don't make it to hard for you to fall in love. Its really the best. And if you love yourself you will be fine whatever will happen.

Also fear and love are negatively correlated. 

 

 

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 @universe Also fear and love are negatively correlated

Damn then I'm kind of an asshole.

22 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Marinus Love your channel btw, subscribed. Love to see a video from ya called “Why try psychedelics, from a logical man’s perspective”. Keep up the great work! 🙏🏻

Thank you very much! I will when I have some experience with it hahaha. Also in my language we don't say falling in love, I think the translation is infatuation, sorry for the confusion. 

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@Natasha Marinus is looking for a life partner

That sounds scary. In the future I definitely want that. 

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@Nahm Have a direct look into that “something”, see what it actually is. Don’t allow yourself to write it off with a word - “something”. 

.....................in me started laughing when I read this :D, because I can't answer what ........... is.


Check out my channel :ph34r:

https://youtu.be/0uZJOhDxHzs

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I don't have any advice, but I relate to you in not being able to fall in love.
Personally, I just never feel it and beyond a concept - it just is not there.  I've accepted that I don't actually want to fall in love at a very fundamental level, but have always enjoyed the comradery of friendship - without needing to be expected to be anything else.

This does not seem to be your situation however, and I hope that you are able to find someone nice without putting too much analysis into it.  Good luck! I like your username btw


🌺 

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@Marinus mybe you havent find the right person if you are into spirituality self actualization its not easy to find that kind of people

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