The Giving Tree

[Truth Addict]

18 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Feeling a lot of disconnection between "others" and "self". Not in a conflict way, but feeling unfulfilled and disconnected from myself. I want to interact but I feel like anything I say to anyone else is unnecessary, maybe from ego and yet I am for now unable to connect in deeper ways.

This usually happens to me when I exhaust myself for a long period of time (physically or mentally).

Everything goes back to normal after some good rest/sleep.

Edited July 20, 2019 by Truth Addict

[mandyjw]

Yesterday I got an email from the lady who runs the historical society and she said that they just got new photos from doctor Pomroy. The house across the river just went up for sale and it, includes the land that I explored in a video this past spring. I was told that it was owned by the electric company but that's not true. The guy who put it up for sale gave her a box of things that came from the Pomroy manner including a photo album with lots of clues about the Eye family. The lady who runs the organization said, "I wish their name wasn't "Eye" that's so creepy."

So many Easter eggs. 

My daughter played with a lady's pug at the river the past few days and fell in love with him. Then yesterday I find out that Doctor Pomroy had a pug and it's in his photo album. I joke about how we might be able to restart a sardine business again with a guy I talked to at the river and then in the photo album there's a picture of his picnic lunch including a can of sardines. It looks like the manner was called "Red Gate Farm" but no can figure out how it was turned into Elmsea" and always had beautiful Elms along it, and it appears that his childhood home was also where his mansion was built. With the photo album are the original family records for his entire family. No one knows what happened to his sister Amanda. Did she die as a baby? Is she buried on the property? The lane where the home is for sale is named Elm something or other. We don't even have any more elm trees! They all died of a disease. This is just a sampling of the puzzle pieces we dug through. 

I'm pretty sure there's no black walnut tree on the property. Where did the shells I found come from? Why is everything centered around a triangle in the middle of town? I went swimming with the kids and found a rock to sit on in the center of the current under the bridge. The trees framed by the bridge are the ones I explored with the property that donated the photo album. 

[mandyjw]

The past two nights I dreamed about Grammie. She was alive in the dream the night before but last night I was attending some sort of funeral or memorial service for her.

Backstory, my cousin was very close to my grandmother but always took advantage of her, even stealing money at one point so that my mom had to take over Grammie's finances. Grammie lived on foodstamps with barely enough to live on, but was never bothered by it. I was so angry with my cousin that year that I didn't even attend Thanksgiving dinner. I thought I was above the whole ignorant family and I didn't want to see my cousin who everyone forgave like it was nothing. It never dawned on me that my anger at my cousin was only hurting my Grandmother if she even cared much about me not being there. Hardly anything really bothered my Grammie. 

My cousin has identical twins girls who are hilarious energetic kids but last night I dreamed that they were younger than they are now and that my Mom was babysitting them for my cousin and when we got to the service she freaked out at my Mom for bringing them late. They weren't actually late at all but my mom like always, apologized and never stood up for herself or the fact that she was doing my cousin a big favor by babysitting for free in the first place. It triggered my anger in the dream but I became conscious of it in the dream. My cousin even apologized later. 

Then I went to the bathroom but my friend's little boy, the one whose Dad just died in a car accident in May, kept opening the door. 

It pointed out how I was taught to always give and forgive on the surface and never make waves with people but that it's ok to hold grudges and isolate yourself. Also how "otherly" I've made my cousin.

Last night I was looking for the moon in the sky and couldn't find it but Venus was really bright, and when I went to bed Venus was staring at me out the window perfectly positioned for me to see. It was too hot to have the blinds down. I woke up really early after the dream and gone was Venus but exactly in it's place was the moon. 

[mandyjw]

Rebecca at the well fountain, a dog statue with conch shells lining the fountain edges and walkways. 

https://mastermindcontent.co.uk/the-symbolic-meaning-of-the-conch-shell-in-buddhism/

 

[mandyjw]

My daughter has been listening to Bible school songs on youtube recently, thanks to me getting the impulse to sing "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands", a few days ago it has since become something she really likes and asks for. Today she asked for the "Hello, I'm Crazy" song. Which took me a minute and some questioning to figure out she meant "Hallelujah", "Praise Ye the Lord."

 

[mandyjw]

 

Edited July 23, 2019 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

The Devil will be thrown into a lake of fire. Now that's a paradox. 

[mandyjw]

I'm energetically messed up from traveling and need to reconnect but there's lots of stuff spinning around to write down later. 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Well then. Nowisforever is gone, Tsuki is gone. Talk about lonely tea parties.

A bridge, a bridge, we wants to build a bridge!!!

This "community" is a bunch of lone wolf loners, myself included, trying to turn themselves into superheros with superpowers while turning their back on the world. 

Love can build a bridge, you fuckers!!! 

Mandy, was that outburst really necessary?

Yes.

Tea parties are more fun when you're alone! After all, I'm just God pretending to be myself. What's the difference??? I'm going to make tsuki and nowisforever sock puppets. That will make it all better. 

 

 

 

 

[DrewNows]

“If you build it, they shall come” 

Ever thought about standup? I’m sure it’s as enjoyable as looking in the mirror and laughing at yourself, and all your thoughts 

It is true everyone/everything is just a figment of Imagination but I’m sorry for their absence, I feel somewhat responsible for the loss of howidforever 

 

[mandyjw]

2 hours ago, DrewNows said:

“If you build it, they shall come” 

Yes, but I am trying to pawn the work off to someone else first and it doesn't seem to be working out. 

I feel responsible for her leaving too, but I never really understood why she left anyway. 

 

[DrewNows]

7 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Yes, but I am trying to pawn the work off to someone else first and it doesn't seem to be working out.

 “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” 

I feel responsible for her leaving too, but I never really understood why she left anyway. 

Might make me a bad person but I’m okay with being responsible in a sense. Sometimes we need a little push off to learn we can fly where we desire...

 

 

[tsuki]

Manamana.

Her penultimate post was 'fuck you tsuki'.

Edited July 30, 2019 by tsuki

[mandyjw]

She was still speaking her language of love. Love is unavoidable. All this othering though, it could really shine through a lot clearer if we worked on our othering. At what point does there stop being a self to work on? Or a self to take care of, to hurt or be hurt? It's not that others are your self, it's not that you give, it's that you just are, and that you are love. 

[mandyjw]

I prayed my whole life to God to give me wisdom. Wisdom is that love is all there is. I want to learn to speak the language of love. I want to clearly channel it.

Are we allowed to build the tower of Babel now? Have we been scattered long enough? 

I have such a deep desire to share this love and bliss. But it's so easily misinterpreted, so easily glossed over and thrown away. For he who has ears to hear, hear. For him who's heart is open, receive and give love for both are one. 

We could dissolve into beautiful nothingness together. 

[mandyjw]

Shortly before my "awakening" in the winter I was walking or running by Pomroy's and a little fox ran across the road. I told my dad about it and he asked if it was healthy because we are always concerned about rabies. I said that it looked very healthy. During/after the awakening I realized it was a sign. Today I went for a walk to pick service berries and decided just to pop in because I was nearby. I walked up the steps of the pyramid as I often do. There right behind it was the fox, just a few feet away from me, bigger now and looking very stressed and overheated. It looked at me. My heart filled with fear. Please run away. Please be afraid of me. We shared a moment of common fear and shock to be face to face and then went away in our opposite directions. 

 

 

[mandyjw]

You don't want this to end. Neither do I. Herein lies the problem. It was never meant to end.

[mandyjw]

We cannot be enlightened apart. We are enlightened together.

Are you laughing? I'm laughing.

FUCK.

I'm so glad I saved the first part of my journal. 

You can't make great art unless you're lonely as fuck.

Off I go, wish me luck.