mandyjw

The Giving Tree

401 posts in this topic

Being a submissive housewife is a better place to be in than a psychopath.
There is a legitimate experiential difference between the two. We need more submissive housewives.

Notice that she only suffers because she's vulnerable to other people's exploitation.
Her own exploitation does not return back to her like the psychopath's does because she exploits out of a legitimate concern for other people's well-being. That is not a lack of human spirit, but an overblown one. It is born out of having the psychopath in the shadow, out of reaction against it. The trauma locks it in place but that reinforces the heart, not the head. She's softer.

10 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

You can't just tell someone that death is an illusion. You can't even tell yourself that, you still have instincts. 

Of course you can, if you are able to handle and observe those instincts. Upaya.


Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD, your God, is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.
Dt 9:6

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@tsuki Whenever I come up upon a wild animal in the woods or some strange dangerous traffic situation happens it seems pretty ingrained. I know it's all identification with the body though. 

I really wanted to share the translation of the Tao Te Ching by Ursula K. Le Guin that you sent me a long time ago in the high consciousness resources section. The link doesn't work anymore though, is there another free translation that is good? 

 


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

Whenever I come up upon a wild animal in the woods or some strange dangerous traffic situation happens it seems pretty ingrained. I know it's all identification with the body though. 

Mmmm.... perceiving instinctual responses to danger is not synonymous with identification with the body.
It's like saying that the fact that you see, means that you are identified with the eyes.
The body is having a freak out because it's built to survive and you are perceiving it. That's good, that means that you are sane.

Please explain your understanding of the term "identification". 

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

I really wanted to share the translation of the Tao Te Ching by Ursula K. Le Guin that you sent me a long time ago in the high consciousness resources section. The link doesn't work anymore though, is there another free translation that is good?

I'm afraid that the one that I shared with you isn't free 9_9.
Do you still have the PDF file? Maybe the mods won't mind if you attach it to the post?


Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD, your God, is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.
Dt 9:6

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1 hour ago, tsuki said:

Mmmm.... perceiving instinctual responses to danger is not synonymous with identification with the body.
It's like saying that the fact that you see, means that you are identified with the eyes.
The body is having a freak out because it's built to survive and you are perceiving it. That's good, that means that you are sane.

That makes sense, except that extreme anxiety in social situations feels exactly like stumbling upon a bear in the woods. You can definitely practice and work with your responses to those fears, and fear in general. Does a fully enlightened person have intense adrenaline fear responses to things? Is that a fantasy or do they walk fearlessly in any situation? 

1 hour ago, tsuki said:

I'm afraid that the one that I shared with you isn't free 9_9.
Do you still have the PDF file? Maybe the mods won't mind if you attach it to the post?

Ok thanks, that explains it. It's only $1 on kindle. I didn't save the PDF, don't want to get anyone in trouble for pirating. 


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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13 hours ago, mandyjw said:

That makes sense, except that extreme anxiety in social situations feels exactly like stumbling upon a bear in the woods.

I don't consider that an 'except'. Your body needs other people to survive. It needs touch, it needs chemistry, it needs bonding, it needs to be useful and use others. The fear of social rejection is a genuine threat to the body and the body communicates it. You do not become fearless by telling yourself that you don't need anybody, but by being in touch with what the body needs. You can decide that the body is mistaken and act against it, but in truth it rarely is. If you shut yourself off from people, you will develop all kinds of coping mechanisms that start with binge eating for example.

13 hours ago, mandyjw said:

You can definitely practice and work with your responses to those fears, and fear in general.

Yes, definitely. The trick is that you survived mostly automatically for 30 years, or at least 15. The body had learned all kinds of useless response patterns that lock into your family dynamic and "friends". If you fear something, the default response is to avoid it. If you're angry, the default response is to attack. If, as a woman, you are socially pressured to be submissive, then your response to anger gets overriden by shame, for example. It really is not at all obvious which emotion should be employed at which situation, especially because you lose your cool precisely when you need to observe yourself carefully.

13 hours ago, mandyjw said:

Does a fully enlightened person have intense adrenaline fear responses to things? Is that a fantasy or do they walk fearlessly in any situation? 

One thing is adrenaline response. Another thing is fear. Yet another thing is a 'response'.
Fear is a concept you produce in response to adrenaline. This concept, if is identified with, creates a response that hopefully is beneficial for your survival. Identification here is 'letting the fear take you', not noticing the choice to be made. You can always stand still in response to fear. You can always dissolve fear in response to adrenaline. That is emotional mastery and it is not enlightenment.

Enlightenment is when you understand what you are. You are a concept, a division of reality. [I don't like that definition, but I'm gonna leave it as is].
If you feel like you are in control of things, like I don't wanna run away from tiger, that is an ego. That thought that deliberates.
Enlightenment certainly helps in mastering emotions, and mastering emotions helps becoming enlightened.

___________________

By the way, I highly recommend reading Ursula's The Earthsea Cycle.
I did not choose that particular translation because of its quality in itself, but because I highly value Ursula as a spiritual teacher.
That cycle is a fantasy novel informed by Taoist nonduality. Absolutely amazing, it was very influential on me.

Edited by tsuki

Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD, your God, is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.
Dt 9:6

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@tsuki I don't think I really considered the differences between emotional mastery and enlightenment because until recently I had no idea what enlightenment was. It kinda felt like being a little kid happy with her ice cream cone until someone bigger walked by and slapped it out of my hand. At the same time I fully saw how unfounded my fear was, but that the bliss of that is a more of a memory now. I still don't understand the many "facets" of this and how they fit in, self realization, emotional mastery, love. Thanks for the recommendation, I've been wishing for a really good novel to read, and had no idea anything like that existed. Definitely an Easter egg. 😁


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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12 hours ago, mandyjw said:

It kinda felt like being a little kid happy with her ice cream cone until someone bigger walked by and slapped it out of my hand.

Ouch. I know that feeling.
It's the hey, I came up with that all by myself! Why should I conform to your standards of what's what?! thing for me.
Funny how we want to talk about important things, but protect our personal distinctions to keep the ground we stand on.

Edited by tsuki

Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD, your God, is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.
Dt 9:6

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Last night I had a dream of flowers, bees and hummingbirds and I was all of them all at once, but there were moments of connection and realization. I got up and wanted to write down some insights but couldn't find a pen. While awake I felt the space in my third eye expand to include my crown chakra and visualized it blooming out like a flower.  

This morning during meditation I "saw" my limiting ego, arguing for its own limitation. 


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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This arguing for limitation is pervasive. It's the hidden agenda of almost every thought or at least every thought that doesn't feel good. My entire ego, and all the useless thoughts exist just to argue for my own limitation. It steals the energy away from action in its complaining and arguing for why this or that can't happen, and why this person is wrong or down to everyday frustrations like why I don't have energy to clean the kitchen, it's all just arguing for my own limitation. 

When I "saw", I was in a particular "place", I was in the cemetery. 


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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It feels ground breaking and I feel stupid for not realizing this simple fact earlier, I meant what the hell is the law of attraction and Abraham Hicks all about? How am I this numb? More arguing for my own limitation. xD


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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Last night I had one of those annoying repetitive dreams.

I dreamed that we were going on a vacation and we were flying on a plane somewhere tropical. I've only flown once in my life, when I was 17 with my husband, then boyfriend and his parents. I have this dream a lot and normally I desperately don't want to go, my inlaws are always asking us to go on vacation with them but we always say no, and I especially don't like spending money on plane tickets and vacations and have a really weird resistance to travel.

This time though, I really did want to go. 

I dreamed that I wasn't really packed and especially so because I didn't have my glasses or contacts and was totally going to be screwed. I couldn't decide if we should go back or if we would miss our plane. We went back and my husband didn't seem to give a crap the entire time if we missed the plane, this is typical of his attitude which is in my eyes almost always really relaxed to the point of complacency. He balances my high stung neurotism, but we'd both do well to balance out our own personalities. We went back, I grabbed some contacts and stuffed them in my pocket and we made it back on the plane. The stress I felt though... 

This is an area in life that really shows my learnt fear and focus on limitation.

It's also funny that with my decision shortly before awakening to try my hardest to leave this place, I ended up fully falling in love with it. There's a new statue at the real life mansion summer home that I run to on long runs. Last summer I got sort of obsessed with the place, I'd run through the field of goldfinches and buttercups and there would be fountains and manicured gardens, a rare look as prosperity in this place. The stone statue is of a girl holding an american flag and her feet are broken off. 


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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It's so easy in this world to manifest a life of beauty and abundance in the material world. It's easy to sell things to hungry people. They are people who don't understand the nature of their hunger. 

It's not as easy to create a life with rich relationships love and deep connection with others and the earth. This is where my true greed lies. 


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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6 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

It's not as easy to create a life with rich relationships love and deep connection with others and the earth. This is where my true greed lies. 

Greed is a human instinct. The only thing that matters is how we align it.


Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the LORD, your God, is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.
Dt 9:6

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What is greed, an aggressive desire coming from a misunderstood place of lack? We tend to blame the desire or greed itself, and not the perceived lack, or not being aligned. 

Lately I've been putting a lot more focus into my business, and it's a great illustration of how the law of attraction works. So knowing what I do now, I'm trying to remove a lot of ingrained pathologies about how I manage my time and think about sales from a place of limitation. 

If I start to see the world as nothing but giving and receiving of love, it's easy to see how one would get wrapped up in making money because money is a very honest sign of value or worth. And really I think it's the easiest one to get. I had a lot of turmoil balancing my home, my family and my kids with my business because making money seemed like the easiest and most fulfilling route to my feeling worthy. 


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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I've been researching witchcraft a lot more. I read a site that said that you should know your moon sign when you were born. Like most I know my sun sign Libra, and never paid much attention to astrology. So I found out the moon phase I was born under. I was born on the full moon. 
https://www.gothichorrorstories.com/witchs-garden/ My very old shade garden is full of a lot of plants mentioned as being magical, Solomon's seal, lady’s mantle, cowslip, I didn't plant them, they have probably been there over 100 years. 

 


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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This morning it was misty and the sun was out so I skipped meditation and went for a walk. Everything looks like a different world. I ended up at Pomroy's. There was pure white fur and a rabbit foot where my fox buddy found a snack across from the platform steps. It's very strange that it would be pure white, don't all rabbits change to brown in summer? This sign could be interpreted so many ways, but I'm going with clinging to purity and innocence. 

I struggle with this, I know that I've lived a really pure life, and it's served me well but it's created one heck of a shadow and ego identification trap. 

The sun to the east was unspeakably beautiful shinning through the tree branches welcoming me up the steps. On the platform were a couple of chanterelle mushrooms growing. I asked for an insight and I went to the stones where I got my first one and put my hands on it. There's this particular one that's sort of cast side on the corner, it's pink granite. I closed my eyes and my vision field vibrated very fast up and down. 

I saw some things my ego is letting play on autopilot, but didn't have any really strong insights it was more of a working through. In fact I was trying to dedicate my service and I saw that that wasn't quite honest without seeing through some things first. 

There's very little traffic by this place especially so early, but just as I left I heard a loud truck coming and was annoyed. I told myself there was absolutely no reason for it to go past me and essentially circle back so if it did, it was a sign. It was a white truck, old, loud diesel engine, jacked up, beaten to death, sped by me and spun out to loop back the way it came. I'm still a snobbish goody goody church girl little bitch, aren't I? 

 


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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There's still this flipity flopidy of "squeeeeeeee!!! The world is fucking MAGIC!" and "Oh damn, I don't really exist and my entire life isn't what it seemed" kind of depression. The depression is easier to see through as cloudiness though. Clouds are beautiful too. 


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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The most dangerous form of ignorance is the belief that it has been transcended it in one's self. Only a love and openness to learn creates the opening to the light that ignorance cannot abide in.


Light on Earth "Don't turn your head. Keep looking at the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you.
And don't believe for a moment that you're healing yourself.~ Rumi

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23 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

The most dangerous form of ignorance is the belief that it has been transcended it in one's self. Only a love and openness to learn creates the opening to the light that ignorance cannot abide in.

What does dangerous mean?

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