The Don

Why Is It So Hard For Me To Be In A Relationship?

10 posts in this topic

Hello everyone.

I'm 26 years old and this year I got involved in a relationship for the first time. I've never had a real relationship before.

Everything seems fine and we get along pretty well, but the problem is that I don't see myself in any relationship.

I like to spend time alone, by myself, in my own company. I really enjoy being alone.

Sometimes I have thoughts like "being alone is not that bad but neither good". It's a little bit of a dilemma because I'm not that happy being in a relationship and also, not happy being without a relationship.

I don't know how to solve this issue.

Any thoughts on this? Thanks.


"Due to circumstances beyond my control, I am master of my fate and captain of my soul." - Ashleigh Brilliant

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Maybe you are simply afraid of opening up, being spontaneous, intimate, emotional, loving and caring. I too had the limiting belief for a couple of years that I don't need no one else in my life and that I should not give up my individuality for nobody. But that created a lot of misery and it still does. Having friends and being in an intimate relationship is great and can offer a lot of joy, fun and help create an interesting life. You need to honestly do an introspection and trully ask what is the true reason you fear bonding so much. For me it was the weakness of constantly judging myself and wanting to create a superiority image of myself-kind of like a syndrome where I always was the best or the right one in any situation, which also led me to being a victim quite often.Now I don't know if you can resonate with that, but just realise that you will have to face this displeasure of being around others- or it might be plain fear- once and for all. Being an introvert is no bad but you need to find the right balance and manage to have fun around others.

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I guess it's better to be happy even when alone? Maybe your mind is just talking nonsense, or I don't understand your issue :) 

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@The Don Your orientation will cut down your pool of quite a bit. It sounds like you don’t want to be in a relationship that becomes inter-twined, yet you also don’t want to a purely solo path. My sense is you also would like to have something with depth, rather than a sex-based fling.

I would have a similar orientation, most of the women I met desire a more inter-twinned relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that, yet it appears to be how most people are orientated. I’ve also met women who are oriented toward open relationships / polyamory. This takes her focus off me and allows me solitary time, yet I end up developing feelings for the person and I’m just not oriented toward polyamory. 

Another option is to find someone with a similar orientation. Someone who is also oriented toward monogamy, yet also is very independent and values her solitary time and time with others. Ime, this is a very rare find. I’ve found only found a couple women that are naturally oriented like this. 

Other issues that may be present are fears of intimacy and commitment. I’ve worked through these and have been in very intimate and committed relationship. Yet the underlying orientation remains; a desire to spend a portion of my life solo and a portion of my life with her. Not fully inter-twined and not fully parallel - yet generally closer to parallel than inter-twined.

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Posted (edited)

I also need lots of solitude, and time outs from social settings, and it has affected all my previous relationships.

The way to deal with it is by going out with an understanding person, and by maintaining good communication with them. You need to be able to communicate effectively to be able to have the time alone you need without it hurting the relationship

Edited by studentofthegame

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3 hours ago, The Don said:

Sometimes I have thoughts like "being alone is not that bad but neither good". It's a little bit of a dilemma because I'm not that happy being in a relationship and also, not happy being without a relationship.

Maybe your (un)happiness isn't caused by the relationship at all. With or without your relationship, you need to work on cultivating happiness from the inside. 

But also, regarding your relationship ... "Everything seems fine and we get along pretty well"? It doesn't sound like you are very much in love. The first few months, most people see the other person as amazing. It's not necessarily a bad thing to have a relationship that's not based on romantic love... just... it's an unusual choice in this culture.

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Why are you forcing yourself to be in something that does not feel natural or resonate well with you. Relationships are not mandatory, the happiest people are single anyway.


B R E A T H E

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@The Don yeah it's just you for who it's hard to be in a relationship. The rest of us...nah...smooth sailing...

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@The Don I broke up with my girlfriend two years ago and I found actualized the summer after my break up. I feel you on this, sometimes I feel it's hard to relate / be in a relationship. you can ask people for advice & find reassurance however you need to figure it out SOLO 💕

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