I am too identified with the ego (self) that it clouded my reality completely

[Nadosa]

Yet I know letting go of it will awaken me to my higher self. The ego has grown so strong, letting go would be like killing myself, I have defined my whole story around it. Is it ever possible to disidentify with an ego that has completely taken over? I have read only someone with a healthy ego is able to do that, I actually dont have a real sense of self, not a healthy ego.

However I feel a valid death drive in me, which has gotten realer over the last weeks. I know that this is common in my age (19), but it feels so damn radical in the moment, completely deluded, torn between trusting the universe or my ego. I have surrendered to the suicidal part, which lead to an beautiful awakening, yet suffering determines my daily life. So, not having practised much meditation, nor anything else, but rather explored this "now" and consciousness, I somehow feel like this is an awakening even though I havent strived for it. Can anyone stay with me during this journey? I need an anchor, someone who is present I can talk to.

Edit.: Or I just have  a mental disorder. I am surely not comfortable with not knowing now. I feel so insecure in my skin at the moment.

Edited May 14, 2018 by Nadosa

[zoey101]

I don't want to dismiss your feelings as "typical of people your age", what you are feeling is real and it is a part of you.

I know how you are feeling, I really do. I was told to accept every part of me as myself, and once I did that, I was able to focus on what I wanted to be and then just made it a daily effort to become what I wanted internally by just being it.

I'm still trying to figure it out, of course. it doesn't happen over night, and a lot if this stuff still makes no sense to me lol.

But don't beat yourself up if you fail and succumb to your ego. We are human. You will slip up, but that doesn't have to be who you are. Just take time to figure out what attributes of yourself you want to work on and others that you want to perfect. Just don't put so much pressure on yourself enjoy the experiences around you.

[Sevi]

Hi?

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Is it ever possible to disidentify with an ego that has completely taken over? I have read only someone with a healthy ego is able to do that, I actually dont have a real sense of self, not a healthy ego.

You still can, free from (whatever happened and still is) ?

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

torn between trusting the universe or my ego. I have surrendered to the suicidal part, which lead to an beautiful awakening, yet suffering determines my daily life.

Sun always shines after every rain, after every tornado, after every storm; always. ??

2 hours ago, Nadosa said:

Can anyone stay with me during this journey? I need an anchor, someone who is present I can talk to.

You can talk to me 

 

You're doing great:)

 

❤

[Nadosa]

It is like it doesnt even matter, so suicide doesnt even matter either. I dont feel comfortable with being lost.

[zoey101]

2 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

It is like it doesnt even matter, so suicide doesnt even matter either. I dont feel comfortable with being lost.

It does matter.. I think the point is that you just have to not take it so seriously. It's tough. Life can be a real bitch sometimes, but that doesn't have to change how you view things. Things are going wrong? try and think of it as a learning opportunity. Use what you learn to strengthen you. 

I wish I was better at explaining a little more in depth  but I think you just need to take a step back from it all and realize that you matter  and if you matter, than we all matter lol  

Don't let life get to you  just embrace it and grow  

[Preetom]

Just now, Nadosa said:

The ego has grown so strong

Try this

 

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Believing in the ego is a mental disorder, dis-order, dis-ease. 

Why don’t you meditate every morning? 

 

[Nadosa]

I know it is, I wouldnt be "ill" then

Because well, it feels like it wouldn't do anything as I cant detach myself from self atm.

[cirkussmile]

46 minutes ago, Nadosa said:

I know it is, I wouldnt be "ill" then

Because well, it feels like it wouldn't do anything as I cant detach myself from self atm.

Meditation is a practice to see things as they are and detachment start to happen. 

Don't make the mistake and say "I can't meditate because I can't detach from myself"

It's exactly that reason meditation is good for you but you don't see it.

Meditation is kind of tricky in the beginning. You do it but you don't understand why and you don't feel any change. But just hang in there and do it every day for 1 month and then you can see why it is such a good thing ❤️?

 

[Nadosa]

How is awakening not suicide? It is suicide just that you have to keep on living 'cause your body's still there. Tbh, no one can tell me deep inside, that they don't feel like "what am I still doing here" after awakening, it feels like "yeah then lets help other people to understand their suffering, only because I know I am not me and I am lost and life is meaningless." That is how I feel. You can prolly sense that I've been a lifetime pessimist

Edited May 16, 2018 by Nadosa

[Nahm]

@Nadosa Do or do not. 

[Nadosa]

May you tell me a bit more precisely, Sir?

[Nadosa]

17 hours ago, Nahm said:

@Nadosa Do or do not. 

I ask myself: Does meditation just work because you strongly believe in it? Why is it that many depressed people meditated but it didnt work? Back then it worked for me, but now I have beliefs that dont support meditation, I feel very uneased and as if meditation doesnt work after a practise.

[Highest]

You are not who you think you are my friend. Self-inquire into what you are, who you are. Introspect. The truth is harsh but it is worth it. The ego self creates it's own reality and suffering, find out it's source and it disappears, just like it does in deep sleep. You want freedom and happiness, but you don't want to disappear, your little self doesn't want to disappear. I know it feels huge and very real, that's part of the great cosmic illusion. The journey is long, but start while you are young, at some point the ego self will be seen just as a dream which passed away, it was nothing but a dream, completely made up by the mind.

[Nadosa]

I honestly dont want it to disappear. Id be happy with not being enlightened Ive already realized I am not it, but that wasnt enough I guess.

[Torkys]

Don't make ego the greatest antagonist of your life! 

Yes, the ego is the cause of all suffering, ignorance, and evil - it is actually all of these things. Despite all of this, the ego seperated itself from the Absolute (Love, Light, Truth, Peace) to seek the Absolute! The ego's greatest desire is it's own death but being ignorant and thinking it can get God without dying makes him terrified of death. 

There is only Divine Will - calling the ego back to Source - and even your ego's desire is Divine Will. 

Base your life on purification (= discomfort × equanimity) and make friends with your ego - it your greatest companion in the search of enlightenment. 

If you have any questions or need any help, feel free to tag me or shoot me a PM

Love and Light

[SeeWithSteve]

Dear Nadosa, 

I haven't yet posted on this forum. I've been spying around to gather necessary pieces for my development, but when I was reading your post I felt a very strong urge to share some of my thoughts.

I've been feeling the same way for almost a year. I was constantly torn between all the polarities, with-in and with-out. After what seemed like a very profound time of my life and my old paradigms were shattered, I seemed utterly confused. I wasn't able to maintain balance in any of the aspects of my being. At one moment I would feel miserable and the next I would experience the most gentle joys of life. I've had rare occasions where I was being pulled away from my body, but because of my physical and mental imbalance there was no way to maintain such high states of energy. One specific time it happened, about 4 months ago, it was so intense and terrifying that I pulled the plug. I told myself, 'I'm done with all this enlightenment bull... It gives me nothing and yet I'm suffering for it.'.

I gave up all of my spiritual aspirations. I decided instead of destroying the ego, I would nurture it. I started exercising, attending more social events and be more involved in my relationships. This is when I noticed that my ego was not just my enemy, it was also my friend and it should have been all of my life. I had an unhealthy ego when I started doing spiritual work, which is how I unconsciously picked up a very nihilistic undertone. 'If there is an absolute, then I have nothing to do here. All is done. All is good anyways.', but that's all a bunch of non-sense. There's plenty to do, in fact, there's everything to do.

The main problem I was having was that I didn't know what I wanted from life. After coming back into contact with my ego, pondering new studies, working out and reading several books it became clear to me that I have little to no desire for any external pleasure. All the pleasures in the world wouldn't satisfy me. The only thing that really fulfills me is to feel limitless, one and devoted to 'that which is not'. Now, I'm back on track with my meditation and yogic practices. This time with a new and improved engine!

My advice to you is, don't worry, you're doing great! Do what you love and embrace ego. Don't reject it, because what you resist, persists! And when you've gathered enough positive energy in your life spiritual development will happen naturally. 

Yes, life may be meaningless, one big cosmic joke. Yes, at times you would wish you'd forget everything you learned about this metaphysical circus that people are trying to properly communicate to the world. But thoughts like this won't help you, unless you'd rather fall instead of fly. Walk lightly and be as grateful and mindful as suits you. 
 

Quote

 

“It’s dark because you are trying too hard. 
Lightly child, lightly. Learn to do everything lightly. 
Yes, feel lightly even though you’re feeling deeply. 
Just lightly let things happen and lightly cope with them. 

I was so preposterously serious in those days, such a humorless little prig. 
Lightly, lightly – it’s the best advice ever given me. 
When it comes to dying even. Nothing ponderous, or portentous, or emphatic. 
No rhetoric, no tremolos, 
no self conscious persona putting on its celebrated imitation of Christ or Little Nell. 
And of course, no theology, no metaphysics. 
Just the fact of dying and the fact of the clear light. 

So throw away your baggage and go forward. 
There are quicksands all about you, sucking at your feet, 
trying to suck you down into fear and self-pity and despair. 
That’s why you must walk so lightly. 
Lightly my darling, 
on tiptoes and no luggage, 
not even a sponge bag, 
completely unencumbered.”

― Aldous Huxley, Island

 

If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me or ask for my personal email. Wish you all the best! Take care! <3

With all the love and light,

Steve

[Nadosa]

Thank you very much. It is a tough time, hardest time ever, it feels like any identification with ego leads to feeling totally out of place in this world at the moment. So much love to you for being there for me :-)

[ajasatya]

@Nadosa what is it that's identified with ego?

[Nadosa]

Thanks aja. But dont you think I havent explored yet what it is? I go through the forums asking people and always the same question: what is it? Unfortunately knowing what it is doesnt put down my whole mental image or baggage. Do you guys hope for a magical change of feeling of identification with that question?

Much love.

Edited May 17, 2018 by Nadosa