Trip Report Ayahusca - You = Me :p

[Gabriel Antonio]

Here I am. 

It's infinite. Haha. 

Do you understand? It is infinite! It's fucking infinite! You are the only thing that ever existed. You are Hitler, you are Jesus,
you are a child playing in the sand. 

The ego structure is all a big infinite matrix. The more you try to deconstruct it, the bigger it gets. 

What does really matter? No matter what you're doing, you're doing correctly. You are in the matrix! I am the matrix. I am you. I am
infinite compassion, infinite guilt, infinite shame, infinite hatred, infinite lives, infinite language, infinite porn. It's all the
same thing. If you study computers, you will understand that you are exactly it. What holds all this web? Nothing and everything. 

Life is a fucking paradox. Infinite compassion or infinite hatred? 

The idea I have about my life and all my petty problems are joke because I am you. I am my dog. I am the dust. I am the worst
criminal. On a different time and space. 

IT IS ALL A FUCKING CYCLE! HAHAHA It is infinite! It never ends whether you want it or not. Consciousness is infinite. We are all
made of the same fabric. The petty that I have, you have also. The self-censorship within myself is present in all human beings. I am
just a fucking cell. The strangest thing is that you cannot grasp this. It is as if trying to stop time. I don't know, I am just
confused here.  

It all starts with the first step. All huge successes started with a first step. Do it imperfectly but start. This realization of our
true nature requires tons of responsibility and at the same time zero responsibility. In a way, I am just a tiny cell of the
Manifestation of consciousness. I don't have any fucking responsibility, and at the same time I know that the animals that are
getting slaughtered are ME! All the children that ever felt hurt, abandoned, or rejected are actually myself. As I mention, it is
infinite. I am you, remember? Haha. 

All this idea of "my" life seemed like a joke. Of course I will born again. I am infinite. INFINITE! HAHAHA. I am all that ever was. 

I am so grateful to Leo for all his hard work. I am so grateful for everybody who spend hours and hours on this forum and feel like
you're destroying your life. All I can say is: it is infinite. Infinite births and deaths. Infinite situations. Infinite
possibilities of the mind. Infinite lifetimes. You were Cleopatra. Haha. It is all one hahaha. 

Infinite judgements. 
Infinite shame.
Infinite tension.
Infinite relaxation. 
Infinite infinity. Hahaha!

I feel so fucking inspired. I feel like I had a glimpse of who I really am. It's so crazy to see that this lifetime is just a cycle.
YOU ARE AN ILLUSION. There is no one who is writing here. My cells are like cars on a busy avenue. There isn't much I can do except
engage in consciousness. It fucking  is infinte hahaha
 
When you notice that, you will start laughing. This is all a fucking structure. The moment you brake it, a larger, harder structure
emerges immediately. HAHAH it's infinite. 

All people you walked by today are actually you. You are your cat. You are me.

I feel fucking amazing. A HUGE pressure was lifted off my shoulders. Sure, i will forget this insight infinite times, but it is
there. No matter the situation, here you are. You are everything that ever existed. Just on a different space and time. You are
literally your mom and dad. I am my ancestors. If we trace down to the start, there is only one. We are leaves of the same tree.
Infinite leaves. You cannot die. What dies is the structure. BOOM! Gone. 

I keep repeating "it's infinite" as if my life depended on this. Ha. Having the insight of no-self, a natural feeling compassion
arises. You simply get people. You are like, "oh, why i am going to judge this person if I am that?" I have been quite selfish
lately, and that doesn't make much sense. 

To reach these higher stages, you have to face infinite fear. The bigger the fear, the bigger the expansion. We are composed of
polarities. 

I had a very beautiful image in my mind in which i recalled a conversation i had with a close friend this week. i could see from his
point of view. and i could also feel that he had the insight of interbeing. it was as if he was seeing and sensing everything that i
was feeling because he is extremely developed and has gone through infinite hells haha. 

It is so fucking obvious haha. 

I am beginning to lose it. But... did I ever had it?

Gone. "Make me one with everything." HAHA, i remembered that joke during the trip. haha. life IS a trip. infinite trips. haha.
infinite hatred. infinite egos. infinite fear. infinite courage. infinite repetition because it is right under your nose and you
don't see it haha. 

"You keep wanting wanting so much, why not want EVERYTHING?" Jack Kornfield

it doesn't make much sense writing this name since he is me. HAHAHA. I can't stop laughing. 

It is all a fucking matrix, infinite structure.
 
My mind simply cannot graps what I have experienced. I felt for all the highly schizophrenic folks out there (actually, in here (:P).
Language is infinite. 

I have been a pretty lazy-ass guy, but to Existence this doesn't fucking matter. It is a never ending process. 

You = Buddha = Hitler = Leo = Donald Trump 

Can you see that these are only names? Do you grasp how shallow "names" and "dates" are? It is a joke to plan because all we have is
the now. hHAaha. if you still have checkboxes to check before remembering who you TRULY are, well, the checkboxes are infinite. Haha.
It is a dark hole. I am Christopher Hitchens HAHAHA. It is so hilarious. For most part I think, "dude, I am going crazy." Good.
Awareness is beyond everything. Because it is fucking infinite. I want to program that into your mind. It is all infinite. 

Anyway, thanks to all the Buddhas, thanks to all my reflections I come across. Pure joy awaits you. And pure pain awaits you. Pure
monkey mind. Everything I wrote is monkey mind. It is pointing to something greater. It is possible to escape the matrix? No, you're
part of it. It is like a cell trying to rebel against all the trillion cells haha. haha. it is so beyond you. I want you to
experience this. 

We are very priviliged to get the ultimate knowledge from all these amazing people out there - matt kahn, infinite waters, leo.
People waste so much time with traditional dual ways of worshipping a God as if there were gonna be a "reward". It is like this, a
drop of water remember that it is water. it's infinite, remember? i warn you: once you get this experience, your ego will quickly
get bored. It will come up with infinite thoughts, judgements, projections. It's ok but realize all this monkey mind is like a
never-ending hole. The more you engage in thinking, the more content is generated. simple as that. so what activities can you do that
will bring you back into harmony? actually. everything is in harmony. 

The thing is, "other thoughts cannot deeply change other thoughts." The key is expand your awareness. And psychedelics are a HUGE
time-saver (haha, time is an illusion). life is a trip. that's all I can say. hahah

At some point I wanted to take more ayahuasca, but then I thought, "shit! i want take more of myself." it is as if i was in lack,
lacking the proper clothes, lacking... always lacking... dude, remember to fry the big fish. things take care of themselves. it's
hard to trust, but that's it. you have no control. but You have all control. 

i feel very humble. i feel like listening to people. it is all so beautiful. even lower conscious behaviors. they all stem from the
desire to be happy. yet we don't pay attention to the results we're getting. anyway, that's it dude or girl. I feel in a way like
just a matter of recognizing who you are. 

it's infinite fun. it's infinite seriousness. poles. positivity or negativity. We are included in everything. I feel like I am a cell
telling to other cells that there is a bigger body we're part of. And this body is part of the cells of the world. And the world is a
cell. Micro and macro. You are your heart!! Even though you don't pay attention to it, it is working 24/7. can you imagine that? it
never fucking stops till you're gone. Haha. you'll be gone soon hahahha. me too

i am the youngest, 
i am the oldest, 
i am the billionaire, 
i am the poorest, 
i am the saint, 
i am everything in between also. including yourself. hah. it is funny to send messages to your other selves.

people, if you feel stuck, please consider trying psychedelics. i can understand why I have been going through hell. It is not possible to expand your awareness otherwise. haha. because it includes everything. 

well, as you can read, it is a real mind boggler haha. if you can let yourself go for a moment, it happens. you'll go, "OH MY GOD!
that's fucking obvious." 

my desire is to be ok with being part of this matrix. and really, no matter what I do is absolutely correct. it never ends. you don't have to throw away anything. you don't need to get rid of your overthinking, your bad habits. haha. the idea that you have any control at all is an illusion. let us remember lavoisier (a.k.a., yourself), "nothing can be created. nothing can be destroyed. everything is transformed." 

transformation. you are a metamorphosis of your dad and mom ahaha. i am laughing so hard at myself right now because "i exist as i am. that is enough." you don't to change the world. when you change yourself, the world *which is you* transforms. there are the individual level and the collective level of awakening. I love this word. Awakening. You are the Buddha. Dude, how did we stayed for 42 days meditating under that Boddhi tree? 

to me, the message is clear: you have no control over anything. have you seen what happens when a person drops a bad habit? a brand-new arises. in most cases, it is even a worse one. we are so stuck in this vortex of endless information that we forget what is beyond all this. The Silent Observer. actually, there is no observer. got it? probably not because it is ungraspabble. 

everything i wrote here is being repeated over and over. maybe it is time to take a deep breath. and learn how to surf. 

i feel like the more I write, the farther the Truth goes. Words are endless. Unfortunately it is not possible to feel it through words -- but only through direct experience. So I applaud you for being on this forum, watching Leo's content, and really educating yourself what is possible. Haha, there's nothing left to say. I feel like everything else is secondary. 

i'm curious to see my upcoming days. haha. that's a lie. haha. 

correct less, do more. dude, i feel so stuck right now. again, i am lost in this maze. i feel like i am slowly conquering my insanity. i am first accepting the truth that there is nothing wrong with me. i am perfectly fine.  

trust 

[Franz]

I feel you, and your urge to write these words. Been there too. Sadly, those truths cannot be communicated to people in a proper manner, only experienced. LIVE them instead.

[Nahm]

@Gabriel Antonio I love you and I laugh with you!!! Thank you for writing this!

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Nahm HAHAHAH that's not fair. You actually love yourself

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Franz yes it is so ducking funny to talk to people with the thought of, "shit I am talking to myself in a different time and space. It makes so much fucking sense.

The fear of death is hilarious because I am like a machine who believes has a live on its own. It's like hilarious to fear losing your life if you have never had it in the first place HAHa. You are a joke HAHa

I feel very clean mentally and physically. Realizing my true nature... slowly but steadily. There is no rush because the Truth of unity remains the same. I got to accept that: even if I am going through hell, this is also divine. Because the divine includes everything. A good way to overcome the fear of death, of going insane, of being "mean" is to go through it on a psychedelic trip.

I also feel a big existential relief. It is like, "oh, no matter what I do this truth is there. " I recognize that I am just a big system. Dude, is that crazy. I am everything. Wow. It is infinite! It can never end. Hahaha.

[Leo Gura]

Nice! Cool to see that Ayahusca goes that deep. Those crazy shamans.

[gleb]

I wanna give you a high-five my friend. Your post made me smile for a long, long time.

[Gabriel Antonio]

@gleb hehe you made yourself laugh

 @Leo Gura it was a strong potency. The place I went people walk in circles during all the ceremony. That helped me with the most powerful insight which is the infinite cycles of life. It also helped to purify some thoughts and also to prevent throwing up. I felt a lot love towards your work. It's amazing thank you.: )

[pluto]

Excellent!

[Gabriel Antonio]

@pluto :D

[Afonso]

Ahaha so much positivity! Thanks for sharing

[Dodo]

On 16/07/2017 at 3:22 AM, Gabriel Antonio said:

 

I laughed hard on this experience that I had my dude hahahaha, one of the best written trips! 

"the message is clear: you have no control over anything" - Just one thing, you forgot to mention that there is infinite control, because it's fucking infinite hahahahaha!!!

It's also funny that you talkes about schizophrenia too, as today I searched the definition and saw that it iis exactly the definition of Ego hahahahah (i thought it just meant split personality)

"Doctors often describe schizophrenia as a type of psychosis. This means the person may not always be able to distinguish their own thoughts and ideas from reality.

Symptoms of schizophrenia

Symptoms of schizophrenia include: 

hallucinations – hearing or seeing things that don't exist

delusions – unusual beliefs not based on reality 

muddled thoughts based on hallucinations or delusions

changes in behaviour"

So almost everyone on Earth is schizo but we dont know it :-D.  I find this highly amusing. 

Edited July 17, 2017 by Dodo

[Edvard]

Sort of nasty to know I have to go through all the misery and pain throughout evolution and history... don't you think? 

(So by all means, enjoy the present...)

Edited July 17, 2017 by Edvard

[Gabriel Antonio]

3 hours ago, Dodo said:

Just one thing, you forgot to mention that there is infinite control, because it's fucking infinite hahahahaha!!!

hahahaha!  

you're responsible for it all, and you're also not responsible for nothing. 

3 hours ago, Dodo said:

you talkes about schizophrenia too, as today I searched the definition and saw that it iis exactly the definition of Ego hahahahah

it's really twisted how my ego dresses up as a "mentor" but actually it is causing me to go nuts. like, i have been practicing yoga and it's been great, and i had the thought of, "i am not going to practice because i might get some crazy-ass thoughts". why? every time i practice some deep breathing techniques, things start to go crazy. plus, when i get into this "hardcore" mentality, i start to become aversive to food, socializing, my family etc. i get so pulled due to the pain that it becomes hard to "be normal". my desire is to isolate myself. and a voice comes, "you're going to go nuts if you do this." like, seriously, even when i am innocently practicing some yoga, my mind (which is me and you :p) adds so much content. 

anyway, the point is i am back to my small sense of self. i came back. haha. i am a tyrant. it is hard to admit that. at the same time, i keep in mind that, "there are no enemies." because i get quickly extra-sensitive to everything and simply start doing hard core shit. 

it is so weird. it feel like ayahusca destroys all your web of beliefs and preconceived notions, but the web comes back with even greater force. it's nuts. 

today, i made sure to socialize a bit and act normal. the thing is, i have got to purify myself in solitude. i cannot expect other people to help me. well, time to do some weightlifting because ultimately it is YOU who are going to break free.

but remember there is no rush. there are no enemies. there is no ego. 

thanks for sharing this info! i will become conscious when i catch myself having some freakout thoughts. in those periods, it might be a good idea to simply take a break. when i start seeing results, i usually start taking massive action, as if I were another person haha. split personality? 

yoga has been helping a lot do some emotional cleanings. i've got to remind myself, "be more patient. it's a lifelong process." because it sure is frustrating to go back to contraction. but infinite contraction and infinite expansion.

the thing I want to program into my mind is to remember to relax. there's nothing in control. haha. my spiritual ego tries to desesperately take action and achieve an ideal self, but that only produces suffering. 

i should expect to feel a breakdown and strong negative emotions; my only job is to take some action. that's all. haha. i feel kinda weird. I have this tendency of overdoing, so i just got to keep an eye on neurosis... anyway, maybe the best idea is to simply let the medicine do its thing. and be fucking patient. hah. because, guess what. you always come back. the question is: "how to integrate the ego?" instead of wanting to annihilate it. but why kill it if it is just a mirage? 

Remember who you are. This life is a dream. It will end in a blink of an eye. Next thing you know, BAM! you're gone  you are a child of the universe. remember: you are the universe.  

It is impossible to fail. hehe ^^

 

[Gabriel Antonio]

@Edvard yes, it takes responsiblity. a monk goes through ecstasy but also deep existential terror. ha. that's the nature of the thing. i think it is a good thing to actually prepare yourself through negative visualization. this way you build your tolerante to pain, the adversities of life. well, time to do some healing. 

this is heaven. may you remember the heaven that ever was. 

 

=) you're perfect. who were you before you were born? remember... 

[Dodo]

@Gabriel Antonio My Ego has been suicidal for some part of my life. What I mean is whenever things go against what I like in a hardcore way, I always say. Enough!  Take me! Why am I eve alive!!

Do you think this kind of Ego structure would be easier or harder to bring dissolutionment to?

I feel like when you say existential terror, I wanna go like : I have non-existential terror : Fear of existing

 

I mean I want to die, I just don't want the pain cause im obvs pussy. Also I have proven to myself even without direct experience that I cannot not be, so I feel like if i suicide, im entering a russian roulette with rules I dont yet understand. (My next life could be better or worse)

Thats why I want enlightenment and no next life. I just wanna chill around in space as space or something like that :-D 

Edited July 18, 2017 by Dodo

[Loreena]

2 hours ago, Dodo said:

@Gabriel Antonio My Ego has been suicidal for some part of my life. What I mean is whenever things go against what I like in a hardcore way, I always say. Enough!  Take me! Why am I eve alive!!

Do you think this kind of Ego structure would be easier or harder to bring dissolutionment to?

I feel like when you say existential terror, I wanna go like : I have non-existential terror : Fear of existing

 

I mean I want to die, I just don't want the pain cause im obvs pussy. Also I have proven to myself even without direct experience that I cannot not be, so I feel like if i suicide, im entering a russian roulette with rules I dont yet understand. (My next life could be better or worse)

Thats why I want enlightenment and no next life. I just wanna chill around in space as space or something like that :-D 

You have a job and you love to do it, considering there are so many jobless people on this planet. 

Anyway, it gets okay after the phase is over. Take a look. This video is good. 

 

Edited July 18, 2017 by Loreena

[Dodo]

4 minutes ago, Loreena said:

Why would you feel suicidal. You have such great talents and wonderful life. Is this in a way because you're away from Sofia..You have a job and you love to do it, considering there are so many jobless people on this planet. 

Anyway, it gets okay after the phase is over. Take a look. This video is good. 

 

I don't love my job, I already mentioned that I am highly considering quitting it. I do not enjoy not being able to do what I am supposed to do without constant help from others. I am a charity case. Only there because boss likes "The power of Now" and I had mentioned it in the interview. 

I already wrote about my decision to quit to the management, so the notice is supposed to be something like few weeks to a few months, not quite sure... There is a bigger talent that is refused a spot, because I am sitting there staring at the code wondering how can anyone ever know these things. It feels like all this coding business is for cyborgs. 

I just want to not think and be left alone in peace.

Edited July 18, 2017 by Dodo

[Dodo]

9 minutes ago, Loreena said:

Why would you feel suicidal. You have such great talents and wonderful life. Is this in a way because you're away from Sofia..You have a job and you love to do it, considering there are so many jobless people on this planet. 

Anyway, it gets okay after the phase is over. Take a look. This video is good. 

 

Love the video tho! 

[Gabriel Antonio]

5 hours ago, Dodo said:

I just wanna chill around in space as space or something like that :-D 

Hahaha! awesome! me too dude. I have these visions of being a child, or being a star. you know, transcend out this mess. but realize all that happens in your life can be seen through a 3rd. person, which is Consciousness. I feel like a great way to expand your awareness is through expanding your breath. seriously, ppl, yoga makes so feel amazing and super-confident haha!

anyway, that's chimpery haha. I feel like the thing we gotta face is pain. All pain comes from the desire of not having pain. If you are able to actually lose your mind and come fully to your senses (which can be done through mindfulness practice. thanks for the advice @Leo Gura). you begin to see how much bullshit is inside of you. sometimes it is hard to determine "Authentic" thoughts versus Inauthentic thoughts. Who are you really? Is that a true desire? Clinging stems from the desire of lack. It is a big illusion. You never had anything, including this life. Sorry to break you, but you don't exist.

So maybe you can relax and just breathe deeply, opening up your chest. Your life is stored in your body. If you fix your body, you start to fix your mind. If you fix your mind, you fix your body. Let uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, or external disturbances as a way to practice relaxing your muscles. Especially your jaw haha. Drop it. Breathe lower. Your abdomen. Rise and falling. A constant flow.

You are like your breath. Each lifetime is like a breath.

I highly recommend an old Leo video called: "How to Exploit People". Haha, you can actually use people to see yourself.

I like to do one thing at a time. Like, if you're here, that's all it matters. haha. Let things get out of your control. Surrender your life to GOD haha. Chances are, I am talking to your lower-self, so it is a huge relief to delegate this responsibility to your higher self. It's like, "I have tried enough. I have tried so hard in this, and in all the ways I have hurt or harm myself, I offer myself forgiveness." You don't have to go away. That's the insight I got today. Don't see "yourself" as an enemy because it is all part of the endless web of beliefs. Practicing Love helps a lot. Tears of Compassion. You have gone through a lot; you deserve to rest. Let me take control of your life haha I am God. I am You. HAHA

You deserve to break free. You ain't gonna have a life if you don't start believing in yourself. You are good enough even though it doesn't feel like it at times. Observe things solving by themselves. Picture your greatest problems; the things you have been putting off; that you desesperately feel like fixing through hyperactivity. Watch them solving by themselves if you simply relax what is tense in your body. Practice opening up your body. Deep breaths are life-changing. You don't have to fix everything at once.

To my inner-child

"I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. I am grateful.

I love you. I see you. I love you haha.

You are an angel. I am sorry if I have ever hurt you. It was not my intention. Please forgive me. Let this moment be a restart. I deeply sorry for all the pain you are going through. I feel you. I didn't know how deeply hurt you were. I am sorry if I ever judged you. I am sorry for not believing in you. Please, forgive me. "

Please, start small. If you want to practice meditation, great! But remember to love yourself first and foremost. It doesn't feel mechanical, dead, and inauthentic to say "I love you" because it hurts your ego. You can deal with the ego in two ways: you can try to destroy it through willforce, or you can start being loving. And loving the one who feels embarrassed by expressing care.

I love you. I see you there. Hehe. You are awesome. Haha. You are perfect. You are beautiful. I love you

hahaha

for a long time, i took a ferocious approach to spirituality. "ALRIGHT! TIME TO BECOME THE BEST ME! ENOUGH OF NEGATIVITY." Haha, that didn't work very well. at first, it looks like it is working, but your inner child feels disrespected. Haha, your ego actually. But, see, what you call "ego" a lot of times is your inner child. And you beat your inner child up for not acting the way you want. Yes, the world ain't all rainbows and butterflies, but that doesn't mean we have to mirror the world. Actually you can use the unconscious behaviors you see as a reminder to dwell into the moment more deeply

a pain is an opportunity to practice mindfulness.

it is impossible to fail.

even if you don't want, you're still perfect. everything is ok whether you want it or not. and you have the right to move on. i believe in you

i know it is hard at times, but I am here.

I am sorry if you don't trust me. Please forgive me.

You are pure love. Please remember that. Respect your limitations. There is nothing to achieve, remember?

"if only love is real, why fear of what is trying to enter your field?"

if things are difficult, take a break

distract yourself a bit. Haha.

it's not that serious. you are not that bad. you are not that lazy. It is impossible to make mistakes. You are God.  And God loves relaxation, so treat yourself. Be kinder to yourself. Even if it is hard, remember: it is always here.