Relationship Green flags 🌱🏁

[Olaf]

45 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Lets not do this judging thing. Heaven help me, I tried to make a positive themed thread. Flush it down, right?

Calling on the lord won't help you in this forum, I already tried 

[Joshe]

1 hour ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Please.

Do not turn this thread into judging each others standards, proxies and what we all look for! I think contrasting and comparing is great. Discernment.

Lets not do this judging thing. Heaven help me, I tried to make a positive themed thread. Flush it down, right?

I'm a simple man and will deal with whatever reality throws at me. As if I had any other choice. lol 

- likes me 
- likes to have sex 
- doesn't demand too much of my time
- more cheerful than not

"Oh no, you woman, you are not X, Y, or Z enough for me. I've defined my standards and you don't meet them." 

Just not how it works IME, or at least, that's not how I want to be. The heart gravitates to what it gravitates to. Circumstances and fleeting emotions dictate more than our standards ever will.

One could just go with the flow of life and if you suffer from ill-defined standards, that's just life. If I could have any girl on the planet, I would not hold any high standards. I would just see who I gravitate to. Dreaming about the perfect partner just rubs me the wrong way, for some reason. 

Sorry if this seems negative. 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Joshe This isn't the place for judging others.

[Joshe]

8 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

@Joshe This isn't the place for judging others.

Yes ma'am

[Joshe]

18 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Let's have a wholesome thread. Gimme your earned wisdom! Behavioural signs that are a proxy for good character or trait!

Not in relationships but in general: 

- humility language 
- doesn't take themselves too seriously
- a good balance of seriousness and humor
- can laugh at their own stupidity

When I'm discerning the quality of a character, I'm often most concerned with how people relate to their own self-image. Intelligence matters less to me than someone's relationship with their intelligence. 

"Can this person maintain an honest relationship with reality when reality makes them look stupid?" If they can, I really like that in a person. 

It's interesting though because someone like Russell Brand fits these, and I don't like him at all, and never did. So this isn't the full rubric. So what am I using to triangulate towards character judgement?

If I see the above, then I need to know "is this a good person?", but I'm not entirely sure what proxies/heuristics I use to determine that. 

I think it's something like "How willing is someone to harm others, or be indifferent towards their welfare, in pursuit of their own interests", and I keep a lookout for that evidence. 

Once someone proves they meet all these criteria, I seem to just really like them. 

This is actually a much more interesting inquiry than I gave it credit for. Sorry for being an ass, lol. 

Edited 16 hours ago by Joshe

[Natasha Tori Maru]

4 minutes ago, Joshe said:

Sorry for being an ass, lol. 

No worries - you cantankerous bastard

I think I prefer looking at green flags as proxies or heuristics for deeper values a person might have - then we contrast those sets against ours for alignment. I think many users here addressed and answered according to their values rather than actual "green flags" which I think are these proxies/heuristics we use.

In retrospect I should have defined green flags better 

Your proxies/heuristics/flags all seem to point toward humility? Across many domain sets domains (epistemic, moral, intelligence). This was my reading at least, if I am accurate 

 

[Joshe]

3 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Your proxies/heuristics/flags all seem to point toward humility? Across many domain sets domains (epistemic, moral, intelligence). This was my reading at least, if I am accurate 

I think humility is still just a proxy, because I can like a cocky person, so I'm not entirely sure. I'll have to look deeper. 

- Does the person concede a point when conceding loses them the argument, status, or money?
- Do they update on something tied to their identity, not just trivia?
- Do they credit someone else when taking the credit would have been easy and unnoticed?

I tend to really notice these types of things. Maybe it's mostly integrity I'm looking for? IDK.

What are more of yours?

[Jirh]

Interesting to see most people here associate green flags with health and high EQ. Most of the comments above fall under the umbrella of overall health and emotional maturity and social acuity. Makes me wonder if it's a universal thing, or related to stage Green value systems.

For me, the biggest green flag is lack of red flags. Sometimes we see obvious red flags and consciously ignore them because we also see some green flags that we want. We compromise early and regret it later.

And what stands out to me the most in a person is being focused on oneself not on others, and being concerned with one's own path and invested in own personal evolution, as well as a lack of us vs. them mentality that creates a lot of jealousy and pride and negativity. I love me someone built for cooperation instead of backpedaling and pity ego.

Edited 15 hours ago by Jirh

[Inliytened1]

I think you have to have common grounds on spirituality.  You have to be able to communicate well - having a job or a career is nice.  No gold diggers.  Honest. And able to stay grounded.  I've been with a lot of women who go through severe mood swings and you aren't able to tell what version of her you might get depending on the time of day.  And one that is fun and easy going too. 

[Inliytened1]

8 hours ago, Jirh said:

Interesting to see most people here associate green flags with health and high EQ. Most of the comments above fall under the umbrella of overall health and emotional maturity and social acuity. Makes me wonder if it's a universal thing, or related to stage Green value systems.

For me, the biggest green flag is lack of red flags. Sometimes we see obvious red flags and consciously ignore them because we also see some green flags that we want. We compromise early and regret it later.

And what stands out to me the most in a person is being focused on oneself not on others, and being concerned with one's own path and invested in own personal evolution, as well as a lack of us vs. them mentality that creates a lot of jealousy and pride and negativity. I love me someone built for cooperation instead of backpedaling and pity ego.

On the same level intellectually, emotionally and most important perhaps is spiritually.  If you have differing views on reality then this is going to be a major issue. And if she isn't even near your intellectual level this will be an issue. 

[trenton]

@Natasha Tori Maru this is a good idea you had. It helps us to know what we should actually be looking for.

[Joseph Maynor]

3 hours ago, Inliytened1 said:

On the same level intellectually, emotionally and most important perhaps is spiritually.  If you have differing views on reality then this is going to be a major issue. And if she isn't even near your intellectual level this will be an issue. 

I have dated women who have had differing views with me regarding spirituality and that was never an issue.

[Jirh]

@Inliytened1 Shared values and compatibility are not green flags. They're basic requirements.

[Joseph Maynor]

2 minutes ago, Jirh said:

@Inliytened1 Shared values and compatibility are not green flags. They're basic requirements.

Yes.  But how is this defined in a real relationship?  Personally I love it when my partner has a different worldview.  We have very interesting conversations.  

[Rigel]

Someone that acknowledges that we are all works in progress and that is willing to grow with and learn from the relationship. Someone that flows and adapts instead of protecting. Someone I can forgive for being limited and who can forgive me for being limited, learning to be better together.

Someone that notices and appreciates the small things. Someone that stops to smell the flowers and take in the view. Someone that is capable of awe.

Someone that has tons of hobbies and interests. Anything other than watching a screen.

Someone that likes to move their body for no other reason than it’s fun and they enjoy doing it. Dancing turns me on.

[Jirh]

@Joseph Maynor Sure. I'm not saying it's strictly necessary for a meaningful connection, but it's necessary for long-term commitment. You won't find yourself coming back to someone by default unless you both have something in common that represents your core identities/values. And when that happens, you will find natural comfort and affinity in their company. And so will they. Then you're more likely to stay together.

Edited 1 hour ago by Jirh

[Sugarcoat]

19 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Oh wow - I am so different.

If I am too activated by the person, it is a yellow flag for me (just a warning I need to pay attention with nuance, as opposed to red flag no-go). I shouldn't feel excessive nervous system activation. Just some butterflies or normal excitement. Being intimidated or uncomfortable indicates to me my judgement may be clouded. Or I may be subconsciously responding to some sort of pattern of bonding that isn't formed from healthy attachment style. The "activation" should be proportionate to what is actually happening - so I take time to observe and reflect more when this yellow flag shows up.

I do not interpret intensity as evidence of attraction or connection. I treat my own physiological response as information about the quality of the interaction.

Sounds reasonable, maybe with age you've grown more comfortable in yourself and your sexuality because high attraction levels felt intimidating at first for me, seems more common for us younger people with less experience. Not so much being intimidated by the person, but rather that type of connection to them, it being novel and triggering shyness. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Sugarcoat

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Try to look at green flags as indicators, signals, proxies or heuristics for a deeper value. Not the value itself.

Edited 41 minutes ago by Natasha Tori Maru