Female Friends — A Dilemma

[Elliott]

How do you guys think men and women work in the same offices, lmao "Jan, wanna meet out back for a snack"

You guys gotta get off porn

Porntards

 

What did you do in highschool everyday?

 

 

Edited yesterday at 01:27 PM by Elliott

[Spiral]

@Elliott You don’t need to be friends with coworkers 

[Elliott]

30 minutes ago, Spiral said:

@Elliott You don’t need to be friends with coworkers 

You hate all your female coworkers? Probably because you hit on them

Edited yesterday at 02:11 PM by Elliott

[Jannes]

23 hours ago, Basman said:

Some men drown while others die of thirst.

Yep. Survival fucks everyone, no matter if you are at the bottom or top. 

[Jannes]

Love is the overlapping of survival agendas, so yeah, if some part is interested sexually or romantically which the other wont reply to, there will always be some unspoken tension and it will never feel just right. 

I have noticed though that women are pretty passive oftentimes, like they wont escalate first, so they might give some hints but if you dont do anything the dynamic often wont evolve. But tension can stay there, so its not perfect. And sometimes you need to set boundaries. 

When I realized that I tried to befriend more men, even though I was always more comfortable with women. Men are less accessible but its feel more true. 

But its a though pill to swallow, like just look at them ... 

[Jannes]

I dont have much experience with being very selective about women with whom a relationship or something sexual is unthinkable. 

I had a female friend before who was way less attractive then me so based on that I thought it was clear nothing will evolve but she also catched feelings and got pretty sexual. I was bad at setting boundaries so the whole dynamic got pretty akward in the end. Maybe if I was more clear from the start it could have worked out. 

I also heard from guys who had good experiences with lesbian girls.

Or maybe a super attractive girl out of your league. But maybe you catch feelings for her then..

Edited 19 hours ago by Jannes

[Jannes]

8 hours ago, Emerald said:

The longer that I know a man that I have chemistry with, the spark only grows... unless he specifically does something that changes my perception of him. (like something gross or unethical or something)

So, I think you're operating off of pick-up logic that doesn't actually work with how women actually operate.

Generally, women like a slow burn. The longer she knows you, the more it adds meaning and context to your interactions. And it gives her time to wonder about you, crush on you, and long for you.

Think of it like allowing sexual tension and intimacy to build through delayed gratification.

Women love a good, "Will we or won't we?"

This goes in the opposite direction of this thread, but I am interested, is this "Will we or won't we?" also about (casual) sex or romantic only?

I feel like the longer I know a women the less horny, adventurous and impulsive I get about it. Though the connection deepens ofc.

[oOo]

On 19/10/2026 at 5:23 AM, Zenterus said:

Recently, I've been doubling down on my social life. I still do pick up here and there, but I also started intentionally befriending people - including women - in order to build a nice social eco-system for myself beyond my main friend group and, eventually, build it up to something resembling my own tribe.

However, one reoccuring issue that I keep bumping into lies within my platonic relationships with women, being that they dont feel very platonic most of the time.

Case in point, I just met a new potential friend for a quick cup of coffee. This woman is in a relationship and lives with her partner. However, while we're having the coffee, I'm getting attraction signals from her. She looks at my lips, is very giggly and sensual around me, she holds very strong eye-contact and, generally, behaves in a way where if this was a date I would immediately start escalating.

I see this more and more. There're two other ladies at my bachata classes that I've sort of been trying to get into my circle as friends but the vibe I'm getting from them is very.. sexual the "closer" we get.

Some of you might think "Awesome, dude! They're into you. Happy days" however I see it differently. Attraction has an expiration date and the chemistry, after the attraction fades, won't be the same. I've seen it in the past with other female friends of mine. The chemistry that you often feel at first is actually generated by the attraction itself and once that dissipates, all you're left with is luke-warm chemistry from a flaky friend who is disillusioned by you because your intentions varied from hers.

What are your thoughts about this?

 

@Zenterus Oh bro, it happens all the time for me. You just gotta learn to be a gentleman about it. 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

14 hours ago, Atb210201 said:

You never really want a pointless hookup with one of your friends, then continue your friendship with them.

I have done it. It has been fine. I remain close friends with two of them - unfortunately the third man was killed by a shark. But if not for that, I would be close with him.

It appears like others experience of success still are not sufficient evidence to counter your belief. I am sorry.

Edited 16 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Emerald]

14 hours ago, Zenterus said:

I can get behind that. Thank you!

You're welcome!

[Emerald]

7 hours ago, Jannes said:

This goes in the opposite direction of this thread, but I am interested, is this "Will we or won't we?" also about (casual) sex or romantic only?

I feel like the longer I know a women the less horny, adventurous and impulsive I get about it. Though the connection deepens ofc.

For me, it's always romantic 100% of the time. Otherwise, the sex just isn't very exciting or gratifying. And it's probably the same for most women. 

If we like a guy enough to long for sleeping with him... we're definitely romantically interested.

My experience is that the determining factor of how exciting and satisfying sex is... is the feelings coming up in the center of the chest. And casual sex just can't deliver those highly erotic heart-centered feelings... because casual sex lacks the meaning, connection, intimacy, and context that make having sex with a man feel really good.

And honestly, if I (or any woman) wanted casual sex, I/we can get it just about anywhere from the majority of guys.

So, casual sex just isn't very meaningful or compelling from a 'fantasizing about a specific man' perspective.

Though, it may be exciting for some women based on embodying the party girl lifestyle. But it won't be about a specific guy... it's more about the excitement of the promiscuous party lifestyle itself.

And a woman who's genuinely interested in casual hook-ups (either because she's sowing her wild oats... or she's a Kim from Sex and the City type)  probably won't care too much about the guy she's doing it with... as long as he's physically attractive enough and has an attractive enough vibe. But men will be pretty interchangeable from that perspective.

So, a woman who's interested in casual sex probably not going to fantasize about a specific guy... she's just going to find a good looking enough guy and do it.

Ultimately, there's no scarcity, so there's no tension... or meaning in casual sex because it's always available and easily procured. And there's nothing to "will we or won't we" about. It's just sex to a woman who's genuinely operating with a casual attitude about sex.

But if a woman is fantasizing about a man, she probably wants him specifically to be her partner. And that's where all the spiciness comes from.

It's not, "Hey, there's a random attractive guy... I wonder if we'll sleep together."... it's "There's Johnny. I love it when he wrinkles his nose when he laughs and how silly he can be. And he seems so calm in stressful situations. I wonder what it would be like if he (fill in the blank with sweet and dirty thoughts)."

[something_else]

@Emerald I think women do fantasise about sex with a guy even if it’s casual. But as you say, casual sex is freely available and so the standards for fantasising about a guy casually are way higher than they would be for a relationship. There often has to be some hot power dynamic, or he has to be really hot, or charismatic.

I think this gives rise to a lot of the incel beliefs that women only want the top X% of men, because in a casual sense that’s often true. Girls who are having casual sex often go after the guys that still present a bit of a challenge for them to ‘get’ casually, which will be the guys who have other options.

Obviously this is a heuristic and not universally the case. But I’ve had quite a bit of casual sex and still find that women who are open to it fantasise a lot about it with me, or other guys they’ve hooked up with.

One of the more interesting things about casual sex for me is that with that casual dynamic, women seem pretty willing to share thoughts on sex snd dating, and past sexual experiences. Compared to a guy they’re interested in dating where I get a sense they’d be less willing to do that.

[Atb210201]

11 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

I have done it. It has been fine. I remain close friends with two of them - unfortunately the third man was killed by a shark. But if not for that, I would be close with him.

It appears like others experience of success still are not sufficient evidence to counter your belief. I am sorry.

Yes, because you're just kidding yourself with this here.

That's not a success story. That's just sad.

You still haven't become serious enough about your life if that's what you call a successful story.

I'm sorry.

But maybe I shouldn't be the one to say this to you.

You're so much older than me so I won't go on telling you how to live.

You know better for yourself.

Edited 4 hours ago by Atb210201

[something_else]

1 hour ago, Atb210201 said:

Yes, because you're just kidding yourself with this here.

That's not a success story. That's just sad.

You still haven't become serious enough about your life if that's what you call a successful story.

I'm sorry.

But maybe I shouldn't be the one to say this to you.

You're so much older than me so I won't go on telling you how to live.

You know better for yourself.

You're so sure you know how everybody else should be living and how they're thinking. Dude, live your own life and stop trying to insist everybody else should live life and think how you do. Have some empathy.

[Atb210201]

16 minutes ago, something_else said:

You're so sure you know how everybody else should be living and how they're thinking. Dude, live your own life and stop trying to insist everybody else should live life and think how you do. Have some empathy.

I do have empathy.

I hesitate to say such things all the time.

A lot of times I don't even say anything.

I'm sorry if I offended you or anyone.

But I won't compromise truth for empathy.

Although sometimes I do that too, it depends.

Edited 4 hours ago by Atb210201

[Ulax]

Every female friendship I've had has had some MAAAD sexual tension in it. Except for two.

But i got that DAWG in me. So i may be an exception.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

1 hour ago, Atb210201 said:

Yes, because you're just kidding yourself with this here.

That's not a success story. That's just sad.

You still haven't become serious enough about your life if that's what you call a successful story.

I'm sorry.

But maybe I shouldn't be the one to say this to you.

You're so much older than me so I won't go on telling you how to live.

You know better for yourself.

I'm providing you with evidence to counter your view. It's not me who isn't accepting reality.

You can't even directly address what is said without all these strange sidetrack arguements. It is simple really - you don't know what is best for others.

 

Edited 4 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Atb210201]

16 minutes ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

I'm providing you with evidence to counter your view. It's not me who isn't accepting reality.

You can't even directly address what is said without all these strange sidetrack arguements. It is simple really - you don't know what is best for others.

 

It's alright.

Who knows maybe I'm wrong.

It's all relative after all, isn't it?

Have fun.

Edited 4 hours ago by Atb210201

[Emerald]

4 hours ago, Atb210201 said:

Yes, because you're just kidding yourself with this here.

That's not a success story. That's just sad.

You still haven't become serious enough about your life if that's what you call a successful story.

I'm sorry.

But maybe I shouldn't be the one to say this to you.

You're so much older than me so I won't go on telling you how to live.

You know better for yourself.

This is a moralization. 

You seem to believe that you know how other people "should" be conducting their lives.

[Emerald]

7 hours ago, something_else said:

@Emerald I think women do fantasise about sex with a guy even if it’s casual. But as you say, casual sex is freely available and so the standards for fantasising about a guy casually are way higher than they would be for a relationship. There often has to be some hot power dynamic, or he has to be really hot, or charismatic.

I think this gives rise to a lot of the incel beliefs that women only want the top X% of men, because in a casual sense that’s often true. Girls who are having casual sex often go after the guys that still present a bit of a challenge for them to ‘get’ casually, which will be the guys who have other options.

Obviously this is a heuristic and not universally the case. But I’ve had quite a bit of casual sex and still find that women who are open to it fantasise a lot about it with me, or other guys they’ve hooked up with.

One of the more interesting things about casual sex for me is that with that casual dynamic, women seem pretty willing to share thoughts on sex snd dating, and past sexual experiences. Compared to a guy they’re interested in dating where I get a sense they’d be less willing to do that.

I personally, have been more open to sharing my sexual desires and past experiences with men that I'm genuinely interested in. I see it as a way to build intimacy and connection.

With guys who I've truly had casual sex with, the intimacy and connection just hasn't been there. I've tried to spark up those discussions but there's less interest in depth there from both parties. 

I would also ask.. Are you sure that the women you had casual sex with actually saw their relationship with you as a casual?

Sometimes, when a woman likes a guy, she'll convince herself that she's okay with something casual. But she actually has feelings for him.

Also, if there's a spicy power dynamic like a boss and the secretary... that woman probably isn't turned on by bosses in general. She's interested in her particular boss and the particular power dynamic they're engaged in.

So, I wouldn't characterize that kind of fantasy as casual. Those dynamics tend to really pull at women's heart-strings... which is why the sexual drive is so intense. It's all about the meaning and context of the sex, which I that the passion and heart connection was so intense that professional boundaries were breached. 

But the thing that confuses me (as a woman who has had casual sex before) is the question of, "How does a woman actually find pleasure and satisfaction in genuinely casual sex?"

For me, the pleasure and satisfaction from sex is probably 90% emotional and 10% physical. And the physical bit itself isn't that motivating. Like, having orgasms is nice... but it's not very motivating in and of itself as it only stimulates the loins and not the heart.

So, anytime I've had casual sex, it's been physically stimulating... but not emotionally stimulating at all.

My experience is that my heart has to be open and stimulated first in order for me to even access the deepest levels of arousal.

Otherwise, it's just a shallow porny level of arousal... and that's not gratifying to me.

And again, I suspect that I operate this way because I'm a woman. And I assume women also that same physiological situation and need heart-stimulation in order to access the deepest levels of arousal and sexual satisfaction.