Dating One Person At Once vs Multiple - Before Commitment

[JoshB]

4 hours ago, Inliytened1 said:

Who is your favorite Bond?  Connery?  I grew up with the new Bond but Connery is the man.  ( see I even forgot his name)

Pierce Bronson 

The Goat 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

47 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

You can def go WAY deeper than what is the norm. And especially than what is pushed in PUA.

Last evening I had a first date with a girl for 5 hours. I got quite a strong sense of what she is about. But she is way more self-aware than a typical person, otherwise it would not have been possible.

Otherwise I would not have gone on a date with her.

This whole notion of having to take things very slow, and keep it light and playful in the beginning is a total conformity.

And a total waste of time.

I think it can work both ways. 

I wouldn't be so quick to discard establishing a good understanding of the person through varied, shared experience. You only see who someone truly is in integrity between their behaviour/word, and that needs to be assessed over time. I haven't ever found a heuristic that can shortcut the process. I've been surprised many times!

From my perspective, jumping in too soon can also be conformity. Blindly following feelings or chemistry without really attending to the above system I loosely outlined ( and at the start, the initial rush and flurry of meeting someone new can lead to fantasy and strong hormonal pushes that override sense). This is what society constantly brainwashes us is love and connection via movies, media and TV. 

 

Edited 3 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Natasha Tori Maru]

Also to add on to my point above - I look for integrity as it is a cleaner transmission to pick up on from a person; do their actions and behaviour match their words and intention? The signal is more obvious as it is behavioural and acted out in the real world.

Authenticity and integrity are linked and operate together in my experience - authenticity is about  “Am I being true to what I actually experience, value, think, and feel?”. Integrity can be viewed more like “Am I behaving consistently with what I claim to value, even when there is a direct cost to me?” 

Looking for integrity, which usually requires assessment over time, can be a great green flag for authenticity - not guaranteed but because they work together it's a good heuristic. I then see this as authentic integity; our inner experience, professed values, and behaviour aren't fundamentally at war with one another.

Another reason why I don't rush to hasty conclusions too early. 2/3 months of dating is good for me to want to take next steps.

Edited 3 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Miguel1]

@Natasha Tori Maru I am not talking about commitment yet, hence the thread title.

Simply the getting to know each other phase. Do you want to get to know 5 people at once? Or just one?

Edited 3 hours ago by Miguel1

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@Miguel1 I was just making conversation...

2/3 

[Jirh]

I don't see a problem with dating multiple people at the same time. It's not very different from making multiple friends at the same time, except for the sex part, which is objectively just a deeper layer of human connection.

Date multiple girls, and if you naturally gravitate more towards one compared the others, then you have a clear sign going forward for who's more compatible with you.

Edited 2 hours ago by Jirh

[Miguel1]

@Jirh Friends you can have multiple.

A life partner you can have one, and the goal is to have them with you until death.

[Jirh]

@Miguel1 The girls you're dating are not life partners yet. You haven't decided where they belong in your life yet. They're just friends with benefits, until commitment.

Think of it like interviewing multiple applicants to the position of life partner. You don't owe anyone of them commitment until they're hired.

[Miguel1]

@Jirh You are going at it with backwards mindset.

It’s not that they owe you anything.

It’s that you WANT them to align deeply with you.

[Jirh]

16 minutes ago, Miguel1 said:

It’s that you WANT them to align deeply with you.

That's the problem right there.

You don't want them to do anything they don't want or be anything they aren't. You're just discovering who they are and whether they're aligned with you or not.

You shouldn't try to force a relationship with anyone. Just hangout and see where it goes. If you are compatible, you will spontaneously and effortlessly gravitate more and more towards one another. If not, you will drift apart.

It's very simple actually I'm finding it strange that I'm having to explain such basic things.

Edited 59 minutes ago by Jirh