Does body count matter for you?

[AION]

I like a girl but I can’t get over the fact she has tattoos and I heard she had some violent bfs. She is only 27 and really stunning looking and great personality. Usually going for younger but she is really relationship material. To be honest I prefer inexperienced girl who lacks relationship experience. I can’t phantom the idea of me walking down the street and some guys laughing behind my back. If I don’t want to have kids I wouldn’t mind because it is just for fun. But if I want to start a family it does matter for me.  I don’t want to inherent all of her emotional baggage and shit. Although she is an arm candy and it is amazing to show off. That is just a temporary thing. 

[Valach]

I mean, you talk about some tough game all the time on the forum. And then you open a post like this that just reeks of insecurity. It is really for contemplation why do you care about such stuff as guys laughing at you etc.

But to the topic... How did you decide she is "relationships" material for you? Based on what? You are attracted to her, that is important, but besides that?

And what is your long term vision for your life? In general and in regards to relationships?

Body count in itself is a complicated topic. I went through phases of being really insecure and caring about it, then not caring at all to now some sort of middle ground. Why does it matter to you?

Edited 2 hours ago by Valach

[LordFall]

Screening mechanisms are very important for you as a man to give your commitment and energy to a woman. Regardless of if she has 500 body count or 0 or tattoos or goes to church 5x a week. I think honestly the best way is to date casually and to not have exclusivity on the table until 3-6 months into the relationship when you've tested her in many situations. The classic are living together and travelling together. A lease is a bit commitment but you can invite her on a weekend getaway with flights and see if you spending that time with her is a dream experience or a fucking headache as her stress is unmanaged and she can't relax into her femininity and let you create a beautiful experience for the both of you.

A good litmus test is what does she add to your life outside of her beauty and sex. Is she actually a valuable and fun person to spend time with or are you in scarcity, lonely or just that she puts up a good front and lovebombs/sexbombs you? 

[Valach]

2 minutes ago, LordFall said:

Screening mechanisms are very important for you as a man to give your commitment and energy to a woman. Regardless of if she has 500 body count or 0 or tattoos or goes to church 5x a week. I think honestly the best way is to date casually and to not have exclusivity on the table until 3-6 months into the relationship when you've tested her in many situations. The classic are living together and travelling together. A lease is a bit commitment but you can invite her on a weekend getaway with flights and see if you spending that time with her is a dream experience or a fucking headache as her stress is unmanaged and she can't relax into her femininity and let you create a beautiful experience for the both of you.

You can screen her and get to know her via dating intentionally, not need to put up barriers and artificial timelines.

[LordFall]

What do you mean by dating intentionally? 

[Valach]

3 minutes ago, LordFall said:

What do you mean by dating intentionally? 

Getting to know the person on deep level, being vulnerable with your truth with them in order to find out if both parties are compatible to build a life together. The "intention" behind is that you are aiming for relationship.

[Lyubov]

You have to be careful here in both your framing and perspective on this because entangling 2-3 things here can hurting you.

You can have preferences for your partner / girlfriend / wife, etc. That is fine. You can honor your preferences and even pressure test them with your spirit and truth. Is what you believe in terms of your preferences aligned with your highest truth and authentic self? Are they principles you would teach your kids? Wanting your partner to have a certain degree of physical and psychological health are all fine. That can be linked to their past and prior experience and prior boyfriends/partners, sure. Wanting a certain type of experience with a woman is valid, perhaps you have a want to feel intimate because you believe you and your partner are on the same page and share a similar background when you have similar experiences. Maybe you want to feel nice that you get to show your partner something new they haven't experienced before. Keep in mind reality sometimes does not align with our preferences though and often times our expectations are not met the more expectations we hold. But having a preference for a woman with a certain background can be fine to hold or pursue. 

Where you go wrong is tying in your worth. You care what other men think. You define your value based on who you are with. This is where you doubt your value and cut yourself off from the Tao. You hurt yourself here and you cloud your reasoning and ability to act in flow on your authentic preferences when you care what others think or define your worth on your partner. 

Lastly I would say is really observe life, observe dating, gain experience, see what it is like where you are and do not draw conclusions. Are your expectations realistic? Would you look for a virgin in a nightclub? Would you look for a hook up in a mosque? Make sure you are not clouding your senses with how you think reality should be vs how it actually is. 

Edited 1 hour ago by Lyubov

[Valach]

13 minutes ago, Lyubov said:

You have to be careful here in both your framing and perspective on this because entangling 2-3 things here can hurting you.

You can have preferences for your partner / girlfriend / wife, etc. That is fine. You can honor your preferences and even pressure test them with your spirit and truth. Is what you believe in terms of your preferences aligned with your highest truth and authentic self? Are they principles you would teach your kids? Wanting your partner to have a certain degree of physical and psychological health are all fine. That can be linked to their past and prior experience and prior boyfriends/partners, sure. Wanting a certain type of experience with a woman is valid, perhaps you have a want to feel like you and your partner are on the same page and share a similar background. Keep in mind reality sometimes does not align with our preferences though and often times our expectations are not met the more  expectations we hold. But having a preference for a woman with a certain background can be fine to hold or pursue. 

Where you go wrong is tying in your worth. You care what other men think. You define your value based on who you are with. This is where you doubt your value and cut yourself off from the Tao. You hurt yourself here and you cloud your reasoning and ability to act in flow on your authentic preferences when you care what others think or define your worth on your partner. 

Lastly I would say is really observe life, observe dating, gain experience, see what it is like where you are and do not draw conclusions. Are your expectations realistic? Would you look for a virgin in a nightclub? Would you look for a hook up in a mosque? Make sure you are not clouding your sense and with how you think reality should be vs how it actually is. 

Top notch answer. Thank you for that.

[LordFall]

18 minutes ago, Valach said:

Getting to know the person on deep level, being vulnerable with your truth with them in order to find out if both parties are compatible to build a life together. The "intention" behind is that you are aiming for relationship.

Sure, you're living in a monogamous framework though. You can date intentionally and see multiple women at once. There are unhealthy aspects to polyamory but also monogamy in that it forces you to commit too early to people you barely know. Similarly to the issue @Olaf ran up against here.

It's completely against your optimal dating strategy as a man to cut off your options as soon as a girl likes you or even if you like a girl and it seems good at the start. Sometimes it's emotionally taxing to fuck multiple at once which is why having a social circle with multiple women in it is quite the asset. Not only you are building more option platonically but also they can spot things you don't about the women you introduce them to. 

@AION Caring about the opinion of other men besides those you respect in your circle or testing the masses for business feedback is pretty useless.

If you are poor they will laugh at you. If you are a billionaire they will laugh at you. If you are an Incel they will laugh at you. If you are happily married they will laugh at you. If you have 5 girlfriends they will laugh at you. 

You can only win by achieving your highest dreams and not letting random dudes affect your mental state.

Edited 1 hour ago by LordFall

[Valach]

10 minutes ago, LordFall said:

Sure, you're living in a monogamous framework though. You can date intentionally and see multiple women at once. There are unhealthy aspects to polyamory but also monogamy in that it forces you to commit too early to people you barely know. Similarly to the issue @Olaf ran up against here.

It's completely against your optimal dating strategy as a man to cut off your options as soon as a girl likes you or even if you like a girl and it seems good at the start. Sometimes it's emotionally taxing to fuck multiple at once which is why having a social circle with multiple women in it is quite the asset. Not only you are building more option platonically but also they can spot things you don't about the women you introduce them to. 

@AION Caring about the opinion of other men besides those you respect in your circle or testing the masses for business feedback is pretty useless.

If you are poor they will laugh at you. If you are a billionaire they will laugh at you. If you are an Incel they will laugh at you. If you are happily married they will laugh at you. If you have 5 girlfriends they will laugh at you. 

You can only win by achieving your highest dreams and not letting random dudes affect your mental state.

I have seen way more often men sabotage their relationships by keeping their options open and dating around instead of exploring connection they have in front of them. Especially in the pickup communities which the OP does.

[LordFall]

Just now, Valach said:

I have seen way more often men sabotage their relationships by keeping their options open and dating around instead of exploring connection they have in front of them. Especially in the pickup communities which the OP does.

What makes you say they are sabotaging their relationship if they are intentionally choosing not to pursue a single girl? I think it can be true that they are an avoidant and not ready for commitment but also that you could be projecting your model of relationships and your desires unto their life. 

Mike Majlak is a good example of someone who wants to play the field whereas women have wanted to settle down with him whereas his buddy Logan Paul lives under a monogamous framework and wifed up a girl that some including myself think is questionable choice for a lifelong partner. 

Feel free to share more specific cases and we can discuss. 

[Valach]

Just now, LordFall said:

What makes you say they are sabotaging their relationship if they are intentionally choosing not to pursue a single girl? I think it can be true that they are an avoidant and not ready for commitment but also that you could be projecting your model of relationships and your desires unto their life. 

Mike Majlak is a good example of someone who wants to play the field whereas women have wanted to settle down with him whereas his buddy Logan Paul lives under a monogamous framework and wifed up a girl that some including myself think is questionable choice for a lifelong partner. 

Feel free to share more specific cases and we can discuss. 

Because most of the time is fear based behaviour. It is fear of intimacy, fear of not being good enough, fear of being rejected. I can sense it in the way they talk and they behave in their dating life very easily.

I am not sure about Logan Paul or Mike Majlak, I have no idea who they are.

[LordFall]

1 minute ago, Valach said:

Because most of the time is fear based behaviour. It is fear of intimacy, fear of not being good enough, fear of being rejected. I can sense it in the way they talk and they behave in their dating life very easily.

I am not sure about Logan Paul or Mike Majlak, I have no idea who they are.

I agree with you about 50%. I would be careful with rejecting abundance-based dating strategies and just bastardizing them as "fear of intimacy," though. That's a classic therapeutic oversimplification that gets thrown around whenever a man chooses not to instantly lock himself into monogamy.

[Valach]

Just now, LordFall said:

I agree with you about 50%. I would be careful with rejecting abundance-based dating strategies and just bastardizing them as "fear of intimacy," though. That's a classic therapeutic oversimplification that gets thrown around whenever a man chooses not to instantly lock himself into monogamy.

Most of striving for abundance is fear based in itself in my opinion as well.

[LordFall]

Just now, Valach said:

Most of striving for abundance is fear based in itself in my opinion as well.

Sure, I think your opinion is not accurate though and based on how you talk about dating on the forum you come at it from a scarcity mindset as opposed to a true integrated psyche. I feel this because you jump to conclusions and have a biases in the way you come to your conclusions and don't seem very open minded to other views that don't validate your mindset and paradigm. 

[Valach]

Just now, LordFall said:

Sure, I think your opinion is not accurate though and based on how you talk about dating on the forum you come at it from a scarcity mindset as opposed to a true integrated psyche. I feel this because you jump to conclusions and have a biases in the way you come to your conclusions and don't seem very open minded to other views that don't validate your mindset and paradigm. 

Which is an argument which you basically try to use with everyone who does not operate within your paradigm.

[LordFall]

3 minutes ago, Valach said:

Which is an argument which you basically try to use with everyone who does not operate within your paradigm.

Nope, you're projecting.

I've said multiple times that self-awareness is key in dating and one can choose to be monogamous if they truly desire it. You default to calling wanting options and abundance fear based and don't seem interested in deconstructing it even after I've invited you to do so openly. 

Edited 1 hour ago by LordFall

[Rafael Thundercat]

1 hour ago, AION said:

Although she is an arm candy and it is amazing to show off

Show off?? Tell me more 😂 

[Valach]

3 minutes ago, LordFall said:

Nope, you're projecting.

I've said multiple times that self-awareness is key in dating and one can choose to be monogamous if they truly desire it. You default to calling wanting options and abundance fear based and don't seem interested in deconstructing it even after I've invited you to do so openly. 

How am I projecting? You had multiple instances on this forum with me, @Natasha Tori Maru, @Zenterus (sorry for the pings) and many others where whenever someone disagress with you you default to "You are projecting/spiritually bypassing/not living in enough abundance and I am right". There are many of such topics on the forum around this.

This is not discussion about monogamy or polygamy. That in itself is a very complicated debate as well.

[LordFall]

Just now, Valach said:

How am I projecting? You had multiple instances on this forum with me, @Natasha Tori Maru, @Zenterus (sorry for the pings) and many others where whenever someone disagress with you you default to "You are projecting/spiritually bypassing/not living in enough abundance and I am right". There are many of such topics on the forum around this.

This is not discussion about monogamy or polygamy. That in itself is a very complicated debate as well.

You’re proving the exact point by pinging other members to validate you instead of addressing the logic.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection

You've projected by reusing my own argument against me which is false. I said that your point could be valid but how do we know for sure if someone basing their dating strategy based on fear/insecurity or genuinely wants a dating life based on abundance. You then doubled down on your point and invalidated mine without addressing it. Then when I called you out you felt cornered and projected unto me.