Gentlemen, I'm officially TRAUMATIZED

[Rishabh R]

@Zenterus From your situation I think that having high standards and focussing on finding high quality of girl over chasing quantity is a ticket out . I have seen many guys falling into the trap of getting a hot girlfriend while completely ignoring her actions , standards only to found out that they break up in some time and the girl dating other guy. I found out that post rejection that rejection is a protection from girls who were wrong for me. Yes , I dodged several bullets in college by getting rejected over and over again. Which saved me a lot from those manipulative ,toxic relationships. All the best ,you got this man.

[Zenterus]

@oOo Thank you for this advice. I will definitely take it to heart.

[Zenterus]

@Rishabh R Indeed, this is the path. When I got back into dating, I told myself that I would only deal with women who I see long-term potential with, even if it means that it might take meeting 1000s just to find 1 that qualifies. This whole situation is the universe's way of punishing me for not fully sticking to that, I guess.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

What part do you suspect you have to play in attracting similar (IE incompatible) patterns? 

Edited 8 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[Zenterus]

@Natasha Tori Maru Beautiful question, thank you for asking.

Some things off the top of my head:

1) Street Cold Approaching itself, in my current city at least, isn't something that a high quality woman is likely to be receptive to. A lot of the women who I've connected with on tbe street usually have a glaring flaw of some kind and it makes sense to think that a well rounded woman would want to meet her partner in a shared environment where she can get a robust sample of his personality over a longer period of time. Meeting and making friends in social environments (bars, clubs, meetup events, classes) seems to filter better.

2) Having that said, I have met some seemingly high quality women through cold approaching on the street in my city and what I noticed is that these women do require a lot of 'get to know you' over text which I'm often not interested in doing much. This, in turn, filters out women who would have been amazing to me had I taken the time to really connect with them over text and build a solid feeling of security for both parties and instead filters in the women who are immediately just down, for whatever reason. Not to say that if a woman is enthusiastic to meet up after a brief convo is low value, but it is more likely that a high quality woman will need a bit more effort than that.

3) To build up on the above point: The way I date is very instant gratification. I meet a girl and I try to move things along as quickly as possible. If I cant take her home right there and then, I'll do the bare minimum texting and try to invite her over (depending on the vibe), if not that then I'll do a date and try to move things forward from there. This way of operating doesnt leave me much room to ask "Hey, is this girl truly what I want in my life right now?" I mostly operate through autopilot and while I do ask a lot of screening questions, I do think I often need to take a step back without escalating and, quite frankly, rub one out so that I can contemplate whether I truly see myself being with her long term. That means going on a low investment date first without the intention of anything happening and simply getting to know the person, such as coffee, limonade, a walk, a picnic, or invite her along whenever I go to a museum or something. Doing this, will also attract more high quality women who wouldn't be receptive to my advances prematurely.

4) I need more hobbies. My life is very practical at the moment, but I should keep one day a week for socializing in a way that allows me to also engage with an activity I enjoy. I'm currently considering salsa classes. Additionally though, I've been wanting to create my own meetup event where I invite people to basically create art together and share vibes with each other, but havent gotten around to it yet.

5) When it comes to me, personally, as a being, I am attracted to women who are naturally very feminine and submissive to me. However, women who embody the above at the highest level, I noticed, are that way because they have certain problems in their life and are looking for a man to kinda save them. Now, that's not always toxic. My ex, for example, was an amazing woman who also really looked up to me for my strength, vision, ambition and strong boundaries, which she also wanted to embody more of. However, most of the time, these women are lacking something that they're outsourcing to a man to fulfill which is inherently unhealthy.

6) Because I'm not where I want to be in life, financially I subconsciously may feel undeserving of a high value woman who is fully put together. I sometimes notice that if a woman looks successful, I get intimidated by her and don't approach her because I think to myself that I'd have no value to her. I know this isn't true in practise, since a lot of those women care a lot more about a man's intrinsic qualities because they dont need a man's resources, but I seem to reject myself before giving it a chance. This may also be why I tend to date women that fit the mold I described in the above point because deep down those women give me a sense of security that I lack when dealing with a woman who is more in her power, even though logically I find those women better long term.

7) Lastly, I may also be afraid to lose my independence and freedom. A girlfriend requires higher maintenance than a casual fuckbuddy. She requires communication, dates, support, emotional availability, conflict resolution at times and I've been doing my thing for so long that it would feel like a sacrifice to be with her. Also, a high quality woman wants a man to be ambitious and constantly developing himself to be able to either provide for the relationship or at least see a future where she and him are a financial match. Now, I am a very ambitious and disciplined man, but sometimes I feel like having a woman by my side who is also invested in my future would add extra pressure on me to move along faster than I'm ready to, so there's that insecurity as well.

 

[Elliott]

That sucks, I hope this all ends soon for you.

 

Breaking up sucks, but that sounded seriously traumatic. I hate breaking up so I believe in being friends first, for filtering and also learning, like finding out what you like and whats out there, you also learn alot about women, yourself, and people. A huuuge benefit of being friends first though is that you can be friends with 1,000 girls all at the same time, super efficient. I cringe whenever I hear guys worry about being friend zoned, that's only a player and with scarcity mindset. I mean sincerely being friends too, don't try to get into their pants, just see if you work great as friends.

Edited 5 hours ago by Elliott

[Miguel1]

Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable with us brother. We are here for you.

I just hope she doesn’t falsely accuse you of rape etc. That can really fuck your life up real good.

- - - - -

I avoid these crazy girls by screening them quite hard in the beginning. I have developed a very strong sense for detecting bullshit, not only by being with so many girls, but more importantly, by doing this work we do here on actualized seriously.

I have ”lost” a ton of girls simply because my screening mechanism is so strong. I notice my eye contact can be very intense and suspicious sometimes. This is not really losing them though, more like saving myself from a ton of trouble, wasted time and energy.

I also tend to go for the more naturally beautiful neighbour girl, than the hottest types. I find them to be way less of a headache, and way more enjoyable company, in general.

- - - - -

You make a lot of great points, and communicate well, despite your current mental state. I commend you for that.

As there is toxic masculinity, there is also toxic femininity, which I believe is what you are talking about in your point about femininity.

My question for you tho:

Could you have find out about her crazy life earlier, and ditch her before things got so bad?

For example, the moment you found out that her parents disowned her and so on?

But man, what a story to completely fuck both of us up, since we are in a very similar position with these girls and dating.

I crave intimacy with girls, yet I have to drop them like flies all the time because of some weird shit that almost every girl seems to have. Even forgetting higher connection to Spirituality and Truth, most young attractive girls seem to miss one or more of the basic stuff like communication skills, empathy, or basic level integrity and emotional intelligence, doesn’t know herself and her values — and most importantly, lacks emotional regulation skills, and haven’t healed her deepest traumas.

Edited 3 hours ago by Miguel1

[PsychedelicEagle]

People like this are the reason why you usually want to deliberately space out dates, minimize contact on the phone, so you create the time and circumstances for her worst side to surface — catching it early on before emotional investment.

These strategies are all laid out in "How to be a 3% man" from Corey Wayne.

[Miguel1]

30 minutes ago, PsychedelicEagle said:

People like this are the reason why you usually want to deliberately space out dates, minimize contact on the phone, so you create the time and circumstances for her worst side to surface — catching it early on before emotional investment.

These strategies are all laid out in "How to be a 3% man" from Corey Wayne.

I think there was some clear and strong red flags in Zenterus’ story early on. For some reason he didn’t take them seriously enough to call it quits.

It could have been something human like deep empathy, or perhaps as you said, emotional investment.

Personally I would have planned and prepared for my exit, the moment I found out she has a court case due to not paying what she owes and being disowned by her parents.

And I would have probablly found these out earlier already, as I screen quite hard nowadays in the beginning. 

Edited 4 hours ago by Miguel1

[Zenterus]

@Miguel1 I appreciate your response, man. Before I answer your question, I doubt she will try to accuse me of anything considering her situation. She's clearly afraid of getting involved with the police in any way and if she were to try to frame me for anything, I have a shit ton of pictures of us and messages that clearly illustrate that she was an active participant in everything and, in some instances, also the primary initiator. Plus she was literally begging me to go back to her hotel room after the police visit, so yeah.

Now, your question:

Yeah, i definitely could have. The moment she opened up about her parents, I should have dug deeper. She revealed that to me on our first meet after I got her number. I wouldn't say that it was a reason for me to drop her completely, but definitely a sign that I need to take a step back and start interrogating her situation further, but I responded with massive empathy for her instead. 

Having that said, though, when I saw her on Friday -- the day before I made the main post -- she revealed the rest of the info, so I should have been thinking about bailing immediately after. Full honesty though, she was so pretty and I was on like 14 days of nofap so I wasn't thinking very clearly, which is still not a valid excuse my recklessly bonding with her further.

Natasha's question was very insightful, though. I forwarded my answer to chatgpt and gemini and got those AI systems to identify any unhealthy paradigms, frames and behaviours by reading between the lines of what was stated and basing their findings on psychological literature and healthy dating theory etc.

Then I had each AI cross examine the other's answers until I got a full and very accurate breakdown of my ways and how they might be pushing my perfect relationship away. Finally, I had them craft an action plan for me in order to tackle these problems head on.

This experience might just be the beginning of a much more elevated chapter in my life.

 

[Miguel1]

20 minutes ago, Zenterus said:

Full honesty though, she was so pretty and I was on like 14 days of nofap so I wasn't thinking very clearly, which is still not a valid excuse my recklessly bonding with her further.

One of the main problems of nofap lol.

As you said, let this be a big lesson. Screen harder brother. I could fill my week in a way that I have a date for every day but it’s a huge waste of time if I don’t see any future with them.

There are good women out there, just very rare, and mostly in relationships already.

Funny how this turned around, and now I’m giving you the same advice you gave me