Should I Leave a Loving Relationship for Growth and Intellectual Compatibility?

[LordFall]

@Jordan of the Shire Do you mind sharing with us what's happened since you left that relationship? Were you not able to find other people that you were more aligned with? 

[Jirh]

It's tragic that you can't recognize a good woman when you see one.

[Elliott]

"she has little natural interest in introspection, personal development, or complex ideas"

Hard to say what this looks like to you, but if you want someone into 'spiritual' introspection, there's tons of women at say yoga retreat type scenes, hippy towns, bhuddist centers,... if you want someone interested more in psychology, then major American metros you can find these women volunteering or at local arts scenes. If you want a woman into philosophy, I think that's more rare,  try philosophy groups, but the other ones you can easily find women like that and they're all loving.

This is the best time in history for guys to EASILY find women like this. A bit ironic, all the troglodytes think it's the worst time for men, but it's the best time for men to find women we want. 'Down with the patriarchy!', up with heavenly matrimony!

Edited 13 hours ago by Elliott

[Patrick_9931]

Thank you guys  @Asayake @Elliott@Sincerity @integral@LordFall @Basman @WonderSeeker @Jirh for sharing your perspectives.

 

In the end @LordFall and @Elliott I think you were right. This is the first girl I stayed together with in South East Asia and I just got totally addicted by the warmth, femininity, comfort ecc. 

 

I just realized that I sold myself away for comfort.

 

The wisest choice here is breaking up with her, keep traveling, giving myself the chance to have more experiences and women that are more compatible with me which there are definitely plenty of when you know where to look as @Elliott said. 

Edited 5 hours ago by Patrick_9931

[Elliott]

32 minutes ago, Patrick_9931 said:

Thank you guys  @Asayake @Elliott@Sincerity @integral@LordFall @Basman @WonderSeeker @Jirh for sharing your perspectives.

 

In the end @LordFall and @Elliott I think you were right. This is the first girl I stayed together with in South East Asia and I just got totally addicted by the warmth, femininity, comfort ecc. 

 

I just realized that I sold myself away for comfort.

 

The wisest choice here is breaking up with hear, keep traveling, giving myself the chance to have more experiences and women that are more compatible with me which there are definitely plenty of when you know where to look as @Elliott said. 

That's dating, still beautiful, arguably more beautiful.

[LordFall]

@Patrick_9931 Thanks for the update. No shame in getting hooked on love even if it's based out of comfort more than growth. The good part is that the upside in this hero's journey is potentially endless. What women have to offer you as a man is basically unlimited and now that you've experienced this perhaps you'll experience with other forms of relationships.

For myself I'm also still exploring my options and will give polyamory a go soon. Will be also starting a world tour starting in January this year hopefully and seeing what the world and the women in it have to offer. I would give social circle game a go if I were you, it's how you find women that are highly compatible with you and fit specific niches and interests so for me I like business, finance and game design and I've hosted my first fashion show event last year that was probably one of the best days of my life. I host photoshoots and group diners as well. It's important to try different types to see what you like. I've met some really cool women over the past couple of years and the quality I tend to be able to attract seems to only be going up. 

https://www.instagram.com/stories/highlights/18036783041423983/

Edited 4 hours ago by LordFall

[Asayake]

4 hours ago, Patrick_9931 said:

Thank you guys  @Asayake @Elliott@Sincerity @integral@LordFall @Basman @WonderSeeker @Jirh for sharing your perspectives.

 

In the end @LordFall and @Elliott I think you were right. This is the first girl I stayed together with in South East Asia and I just got totally addicted by the warmth, femininity, comfort ecc. 

 

I just realized that I sold myself away for comfort.

 

The wisest choice here is breaking up with her, keep traveling, giving myself the chance to have more experiences and women that are more compatible with me which there are definitely plenty of when you know where to look as @Elliott said. 

Do what you want but it could as well be argued you just got a taste of commitment and that it scared you more than you expected. Your post didnt read as comfort to me, it read like you were being confronted with challenges in the relationship. LordFalls lifestyle is travelling and exploring options, parties, fun experiences. Thats fair but just know theres a differenxe between that and building a longterm relationship, exploring options will probably not make that easier. 

[Asayake]

On the notion of MBTI and compatability I just want to mention briefly that I dont buy it as an argument in this context because you dont know the type of Patrick, or the girl. Type can be tricky to figure out and beyond that its common in compatability theory that intuitives arent just compatible with other intuitives, but that emotional and sexual compatability are results of complimentary judgement & perception functions respectively. In other words an ENFP for example would match well with an ISTP under that theory even though one is an intuitive and the other a sensor. 

In big 5 its also not as simple as openness matches with openness, it does but openness has multiple layers such as openness to experience vs ideas. And people who are different can actually drive growth in eachother, initial friction can be growing pains while initial smoothness can cause later friction.

@LordFall

[Elliott]

@Asayake there's nothing wrong with committing to your first girlfriend either, different folks different strokes. But, if someone has this inclination to resent their relationship it usually manifests into a toxic relationship, rarely anything better than mediocre(which isn't usually desirable). A level 7 mage could certainly be satisfied with his current girlfriend for the rest of his life, thats admirable in a way, Young Buck here seems to not be in that state.

Edited 1 hour ago by Elliott

[Asayake]

8 minutes ago, Elliott said:

 

@Asayake there's nothing wrong with committing to your first girlfriend either, different folks different strokes. But, if someone has this inclination to resent their relationship it usually manifests into a toxic relationship, rarely anything better than mediocre(which isn't usually desirable). A level 7 mage could certainly be satisfied with his current girlfriend for the rest of his life, thats admirable in a way, Young Buck here seems to not be in that state.

 

You guys are arguing for this guy to break up with his girlfriend based on one forum post with worries about the relationship. As if you can judge the situation like that, in my first post I made it clear my stance was he should give it some time instead of making a snap judgement. Youre arguing for separation over unity in favor of short term pleasure and adventure. 

[LordFall]

16 minutes ago, Asayake said:

You guys are arguing for this guy to break up with his girlfriend based on one forum post with worries about the relationship. As if you can judge the situation like that, in my first post I made it clear my stance was he should give it some time instead of making a snap judgement. Youre arguing for separation over unity in favor of short term pleasure and adventure. 

I argued for greater compatibility, you're straw manning my point by saying it was mostly about short term pleasure and adventure. Having a lot of sex and FWBs for example is a way to learn more about what you want but not the only way. 

The reason I posted my posts as an clear archetype is so basically give a theory for Pattrick to identify with. If he was not a new traveller and been in Indonesia for 10 years already and had been with different women during that time then he could easily diagnose that my advice doesn't make sense and he's having another issue than just being for the first time in a dating market that's favourable to him.  

34 minutes ago, Asayake said:

On the notion of MBTI and compatability I just want to mention briefly that I dont buy it as an argument in this context because you dont know the type of Patrick, or the girl. Type can be tricky to figure out and beyond that its common in compatability theory that intuitives arent just compatible with other intuitives, but that emotional and sexual compatability are results of complimentary judgement & perception functions respectively. In other words an ENFP for example would match well with an ISTP under that theory even though one is an intuitive and the other a sensor. 

In big 5 its also not as simple as openness matches with openness, it does but openness has multiple layers such as openness to experience vs ideas. And people who are different can actually drive growth in eachother, initial friction can be growing pains while initial smoothness can cause later friction.

@LordFall

> The problem is the intellectual gap. Her English is limited, though improving, and she has little natural interest in introspection, personal development, or complex ideas. I could get intellectual stimulation from friends, but it still hurts that I cannot share that part of myself with the person I would spend most of my life with. I worry that, over time, I would feel deeply lonely inside the relationship.

In my experience in the dating that miss-match in MBTI types would produce a result similar to what OP described. To me I've had that experience myself plenty of times as an INTP where people either completely zone out of my ideas and I have to bring it back to something they said to get their entertainment, some people who like discussing ideas at length and some people who are willing to entertain ideas up to a point.

I don't think I could myself be able to live in a relationship with a person of the first type and the 2nd type perhaps in a polyamorous setup where I'm in abundance so I they don't have to entertain my ideas they can see the result and the 3rd type would be main primary partner potential in a hierarchal polyamorous setup or for a monogamous paradigm a good compatibility pairing. 

45 minutes ago, Asayake said:

Do what you want but it could as well be argued you just got a taste of commitment and that it scared you more than you expected. Your post didnt read as comfort to me, it read like you were being confronted with challenges in the relationship. LordFalls lifestyle is travelling and exploring options, parties, fun experiences. Thats fair but just know theres a differenxe between that and building a longterm relationship, exploring options will probably not make that easier. 

The pushback against leaving often comes from a scarcity mindset in my experience. There are reasons to fight for commitment but at the end of the honeymoon phase with the symptoms OP described it seems like a clear next and explore what's out there more instead of doubling down. 

A doubling down case for me would be like you have dated a lot and know what you want and have found it but there are slight incompatibilities like you live in different countries and it seems like it would be an inconvenience to move for her but she has a good reason to stay like close with family and wants their help in raising your future kids and you know she's what you're looking for because you have dated similar types and she fits all the boxes apart from a sacrifice that you are okay with making if you introspect on it. 

Edited 1 hour ago by LordFall

[Elliott]

20 minutes ago, Asayake said:

You guys are arguing for this guy to break up with his girlfriend based on one forum post with worries about the relationship. As if you can judge the situation like that, in my first post I made it clear my stance was he should give it some time instead of making a snap judgement. Youre arguing for separation over unity in favor of short term pleasure and adventure. 

Nope

[Asayake]

18 minutes ago, Elliott said:

Nope

If you respond like that then why do you even participate in the discussion in the first place, it's a serious topic and you can't even provide a reason for why you disagree with what I said.

[Elliott]

11 minutes ago, Asayake said:

If you respond like that then why do you even participate in the discussion in the first place, it's a serious topic and you can't even provide a reason for why you disagree with what I said.

It was better than yours, and you didn't read our previous posts anyway.

[LordFall]

@Asayake Out of 10 what quality of partner do you think you deserve?

If you answer anything other than 10 you're low self-esteem or lazy in my books. It makes a lot of these situations easy to diagnose. 

Person is settling -> doesn't understand how to become more attractive/believe that that they can't become more attractive/their subconscious runs an equation that they're not willing to put enough energy to improve themselves

Only really 3 options 

If you're not looking to maximize your love life, what exactly are you optimizing for? If your core strategy in life isn't about self-actualizing your relationships and purpose, you're just default-optimizing for comfort and derping through life. 

Edited 25 minutes ago by LordFall

[Asayake]

12 minutes ago, LordFall said:

@Asayake Out of 10 what quality of partner do you think you deserve?

If you answer anything other than 10 you're low self-esteem or lazy in my books. It makes a lot of these situations easy to diagnose. 

Person is settling -> doesn't understand how to become more attractive/believe that that they can't become more attractive/their subconscious runs an equation that they're not willing to put enough energy to improve themselves

Only really 3 options 

If you're not looking to maximize your love life, what exactly are you optimizing for? If your core strategy in life isn't about self-actualizing your relationships and purpose, you're just default-optimizing for comfort and derping through life. 

Let me flip your questioning, why do you deserve a 10/10 girl? Everything you said so far makes it seem like you deserve a shallow 6/10 girl who jumps from partner to partner, exploring the marketplace to find the wealthiest husband she can.

[Asayake]

39 minutes ago, Elliott said:

It was better than yours, and you didn't read our previous posts anyway.

It seems you haven't read any of my comments then, I've been having a long discussion with LordFall and I've been engaging with most of his points. On the contrary, many of the things I've said have just been straight up ignored. You're not exactly making yourself look better by continuing to behave in the way you are "it was better than yours" sounds like a child.

[LordFall]

9 minutes ago, Asayake said:

Let me flip your questioning, why do you deserve a 10/10 girl? Everything you said so far makes it seem like you deserve a shallow 6/10 girl who jumps from partner to partner, exploring the marketplace to find the wealthiest husband she can.

I’m committed to levelling up—both professionally  and socially as well as fixing my emotional and communication issues. I’m also building a fun, abundant lifestyle to invite high-standard partners into.

I don't think people with high standards are shallow; I'd say it's actually a sign of depth and maturity. People that haven't worked on themselves tend to have shallow criteria and low standards. 

Edited 3 minutes ago by LordFall