I Am Afraid of Myself

[yetineti]

I have been having a 1/4 life crisis.

I work, live alone and am not denying progress made.

I have never had a serious relationship.

I immaturely burned bridges with two life time friends these past few years.

Unresolved family issues— I drag myself into.

Still moderate to heavy weed usage.
Nicotine pouches.

—

I have not made progress where I should have been.

I never took the LPC I paid for years ago.

Stopped pursuing music, like a coward.

—

I do not know if this is an admission, an apology or a cry for help.

—

I feel unserious. But also like I am fighting a war on all fronts. And if I pivot, I lose ground. So I haven’t even thought about how I’d pivot properly.

Too tenacious and it’s not working out. 

—

And fuck music and money anyhow!

How does anyone dedicate their life to the Truth? It seems impossible.

I feel like I’m gauging myself out with a knife in one hand and dressing the wound with the other.

—

Note: I’m not really depressed and I have no intention of self harm. I actually am impressed with some changes.

I’ve just hit a point where I don’t question things where I used to question everything, change, observe results, etc.

Now I feel like I’m just watching myself not be as efficient or honest as I can be— while not exactly trusting myself or knowing how to pivot, as I mentioned.

—

I didn’t even want to write this because I did not want to sound cooky/this was obviously a horrible explanation of my condition and it ties into epistemology— blah blah blah.

—

Anyone older than me have a great story about losing direction, forgetting ambition and pivoting back or something?

Edited Saturday at 03:27 AM by yetineti

[Opulence]

Make it a point to make some changes every month. Change needs time and patience. 

Make a list of things you want. 

Don't expect too much early on. Keep going. Life will pivot on it's own.

 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

I went from homeless for a month, to video game addict for 10 years. Couch surfed and mooched off others for 3/4 years. Unable to hold down a job of more than 1 day a week. Deep nihilism and black pill. Cut off family, burned bridges with everyone I know. Chronic weed night day, wake and bake 5 years.

Flunked University 3 times before I successfully earned a degree. Disregarded health to the extent I was landing in hospital frequently. Share housing until 33.

Now I run a construction business with my Dad, have enough for a house deposit. Searching now. Reconnected with family. Got a dog. Love the dog. 

Did art, modelling and creativity all through. Hardcore spirituality put me straight, despite bad conditioning.

You can do it. I did it.

I am no one. Just some random chick who will live and die and love and end. To be forgotten. But life is just a beauty.

 

[theleelajoker]

"Anyone older than me have a great story about losing direction, forgetting ambition and pivoting back or something"

Bias disclaimer: There was good stuff also in darker times, but in line with your question I focus on the extremes of my path:

Got a severe disease as a kid. Spent weeks in hospital but survived. Bad family situation as kid, worse as teenager. Numbed myself for more than 20 years with video games and weed. Left home through help of child protection service.  Never found a "home", always on the run, lived in I don't know many cities. Had problems getting up in the morning. Zero ambition, zero motivation, zero self efficacy, zero direction in life. Had to borrow money to pay my bills and rely on others to survive. No connection to myself, my body, my feelings, no confidence, no joy. Was depressed and had suicidal thoughts (not intentions), hitting rock bottom.

Now in late 30s, freelancing, getting great feedback and contracts without even advertising (thanks universe). Never mind absolute numbers, but this month is the highest income I ever made (thx again). Easy to get to know people, easy to connect, I accept people as they are and vice versa. Sometimes just need to sit somewhere and people (including women) approach me. Have good friends I trust and good relationships to family.

Feeling healthier and more relaxed. Stay calm in stressful situations BECAUSE I have seen rock bottom. Learning to better know myself, what I want and owning it. Learning to receive and to be more humble and grateful. Have nice plans for the future and the trust that they will materialize

Edited Saturday at 08:51 AM by theleelajoker

[yetineti]

@theleelajoker @Natasha Tori Maru

Thank you for your stories.

I needed to access some stories like this from people directly. It is easy to disassociate watching YouTube videos or celebrity stories.

You guys are real people. There are a lot of us. We struggle. All is well.

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@yetineti Honestly life prior to 30 can be a bit of a struggle.

In between working out who you are, you are also figuring out what you want & how the fuck to navigate the insanity of society. And enduring whatever woe you may have - we all have them. It is a lot of learning - it was for me.

You reach a break point where you understand enough about yourself the incessant questioning begins to quiet. I am speaking more about that hard time in adolescence and 20s where you go through A LOT identity wise.

Space is left to pay attention to survival & mastering executive decision making. Attend to what is highest priority.

Gradually, slowly, I found my life becoming somewhat easier. I engaged a bit more with the flow, less force. Less resistance. I reached a breakpoint where shit just started to feel okay. It was like everything pivoted. 

Now I just enjoy the ride, I want to be no where else. Even when turds come my way!

The brilliant part about God's plan is that nothing remains the same. It always changes. Which is melancholic, but also quite freeing. It can also be a source of resilience to remind ourselves of this 

[integration journey]

3 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

@yetineti Honestly life prior to 30 can be a bit of a struggle.

In between working out who you are, you are also figuring out what you want & how the fuck to navigate the insanity of society. And enduring whatever woe you may have - we all have them. It is a lot of learning - it was for me.

You reach a break point where you understand enough about yourself the incessant questioning begins to quiet. I am speaking more about that hard time in adolescence and 20s where you go through A LOT identity wise.

Space is left to pay attention to survival & mastering executive decision making. Attend to what is highest priority.

Gradually, slowly, I found my life becoming somewhat easier. I engaged a bit more with the flow, less force. Less resistance. I reached a breakpoint where shit just started to feel okay. It was like everything pivoted. 

Now I just enjoy the ride, I want to be no where else. Even when turds come my way!

The brilliant part about God's plan is that nothing remains the same. It always changes. Which is melancholic, but also quite freeing. It can also be a source of resilience to remind ourselves of this 

You are inspiring. 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

8 minutes ago, integration journey said:

You are inspiring. 

I really appreciate that  

I had a hard start to life. Not everyone makes it. I am still trying to figure out how/why I did.

I can tell you one thing though, I am more resilient than most. I bounce back from failure and wipe past thoughts about it clean. I just take what I need to learn from how I failed, and try again. And I never stop. I don't let things deter me. This one was element about myself that grew in strength through the years, as I begun to apply it to more and more domains of life. I take ruthless action. Mind rewiring followed dramatic action. Not the other way around.

[yetineti]

@Natasha Tori Maru 

You’re one of my favorite responders. Thank you.

I think I remember our Myers Briggs being similar, at one point. 

You organize rambling, quite well, at the very least.

I’ll ‘hit’ you again:

I could live truthfully or a I could live for the Truth. 

That is my dilemma.

Now, even though I do not know how I would ‘live for the Truth,’ I feel although, I will be living lies, having not committed.

Ever feel this way?

 

 

[meta_male]

On 24.1.2026 at 4:24 AM, yetineti said:

Anyone older than me have a great story about losing direction, forgetting ambition and pivoting back or something?

I don't know how old you are but for years I felt like I was just watching myself, stuck in my head, overthinking my whole existence and using nebulous language to try to explain it.

I also cut ties with friends and some family members. I was depressed, had a burnout, panic attacks, had to sell my car cause I was broke, was just sitting at home. My mind was trapped in abstract problems similar to yours: living truthfully vs. living for Truth, how to win the "war" I'm fighting? Ambiguity felt profound and there was no urgency to actually solve anything.

In reality it was life problems mixed with brain fog.

Do not underestimate weed. With daily use, it's close to impossible to get back on track. You need clarity. I can say from experience that a large part of the problem looks way less overwhelming once you’re sober.

[Leo Gura]

The great news is that you are young and have time to kick yourself into gear. But don't wait around forever. You gotta make it happen.

[Cred]

On 24/01/2026 at 7:25 AM, Natasha Tori Maru said:

I went from homeless for a month, to video game addict for 10 years. Couch surfed and mooched off others for 3/4 years. Unable to hold down a job of more than 1 day a week. Deep nihilism and black pill. Cut off family, burned bridges with everyone I know. Chronic weed night day, wake and bake 5 years.

My mission to help people on this forum deal with ostracization from society due to neurodiversity was kicked off after hanging out with punks/anarchists and noticing similarities to this community.

But I did not realize that some of you actually lead a punk lifestyle.

[Sobanya]

It helped me to sit still for a few hours on my couch and calmly think through everything that there was in my head until there was less and less space for confusion and I finally felt like I knew what I needed to do and who I am. It's a very uncomfortable technique, but it helps to sort things out. Meditation works too.

Basically just slowing your system down, getting chill, clear, focused and honest about what you experience. It's VERY hard, people usually do it only when they suffer strongly or something like that, and I personally see no other way around this inner confusion but to slow down dramatically

[Cred]

@Sobanya I think this part

Quote

The reason, why boredom is important, is because it allows your default mode network (DMN) to activate. I'm not an expert, but if I understand this brain system correctly, the purpose of the DMN, is to enable you to mind wander and through that process

• reflect on your choices,
• search for meaning,
• calibrate your activities with respect to your personal values.

of this Post 

is relevant to understand why doing nothing helped you in your situation.

I hope this is helpful

Edited 10 hours ago by Cred

[Natasha Tori Maru]

20 hours ago, yetineti said:

I could live truthfully or a I could live for the Truth. 

That is my dilemma.

Fuck, really kicking me in the hard nuts with this one.

I will admit, I have a terrible ball-less non-answer; its both. It's a pendulum swing for me that is constantly in need of balance. 

Living truthfully for me is about integrity of action. Ruthless, honest action where I am congruent. My words align with execution. Follow-through. Ruthless follow-through. This was a hard earned lesson for me that did not come naturally. But it is necessary for my survival and basic wellbeing needs. To reduce mind chatter and anxiety. To bring abundance. Grounded. Human

Living for truth; a devotion to a cause, ideal, what-have-you. God, Love, unity, infinity, reality, awakening, enlightenment. Surrender. The way things really are. Living for Truth always pulls me upward and beyond. Deep inquiry and ungroundedness. Understanding illusion. I delight in it, but the swing to the absolute can lacerate life from me if I am not careful. This was my more natural way.

So, it's both. And none. At the same time. Empty & full. The pendulum swings back and forth - and when I was younger, the swing radius was huge. Life goes. 

As I have aged the swings are smaller, quicker, less dramatic - but balance is emerging for me as the pendulum begins to still. I feel alignment and integration in this space. Almost as if the Absolute (living for Truth) and the relative (living truthfully) are unifying. 

I do not know if this is a good answer. 

But it just came out like no one wrote it. 

As if channelled.

Edited 6 hours ago by Natasha Tori Maru

[KoryKat]

On 1/23/2026 at 9:24 PM, yetineti said:

I have been having a 1/4 life crisis.

I work, live alone and am not denying progress made.

I have never had a serious relationship.

I immaturely burned bridges with two life time friends these past few years.

Unresolved family issues— I drag myself into.

Still moderate to heavy weed usage.
Nicotine pouches.

—

I have not made progress where I should have been.

I never took the LPC I paid for years ago.

Stopped pursuing music, like a coward.

—

I do not know if this is an admission, an apology or a cry for help.

—

I feel unserious. But also like I am fighting a war on all fronts. And if I pivot, I lose ground. So I haven’t even thought about how I’d pivot properly.

Too tenacious and it’s not working out. 

—

And fuck music and money anyhow!

How does anyone dedicate their life to the Truth? It seems impossible.

I feel like I’m gauging myself out with a knife in one hand and dressing the wound with the other.

—

Note: I’m not really depressed and I have no intention of self harm. I actually am impressed with some changes.

I’ve just hit a point where I don’t question things where I used to question everything, change, observe results, etc.

Now I feel like I’m just watching myself not be as efficient or honest as I can be— while not exactly trusting myself or knowing how to pivot, as I mentioned.

—

I didn’t even want to write this because I did not want to sound cooky/this was obviously a horrible explanation of my condition and it ties into epistemology— blah blah blah.

—

Anyone older than me have a great story about losing direction, forgetting ambition and pivoting back or something?

I've been blessed with affordance to be lazy in which I've spent my time truth searching...   So my door is always open (though it may be weeks before I get back to your DM) 

""I do not know if this is an admission, an apology or a cry for help.""  --> What you are doing , I would label as "Residue"  of your experiential singularity of the moment when you added all that up ...     Don't judge residue , it is the fertility that causes roots to grow.

   I get told to go see 988 and that I'm schizo, probably 25-100 times a week nowadays. If you want to say you want to kill everyone and shove your head through a wall... thats okay , thats just letting off steam bro.   Don't let people's reactions cause you to feel like what you naturally doing is not okay... We must always (And here is my first lesson to you) Accept what is.      So we all have ego,  we get enraged, or malicious-minded , or whatever... the correct way to handle this is... 

1) Acknowledge it "This is real" "This is happening"   (You can't heal what you can't integrate)
 2) Allow yourself to feel it fully   (This is pouring Hydrogen Peroxide on the open wound) 
3) NOW THE TURNING POINT --> REFRAME your Frame of minds that perceives the point  ((How is the worst thing ever , actually the best thing in disguise?)         (Clean it up) 
4) Release your grip on it, (Let Go,  Unheld, etc)     (Be done with it)

---

My second piece of advice to you... Is grounding your sense of "Who" you are in some real structural mappings , so when you think Instead---"

I have been having a 1/4 life crisis.

I work, live alone and am not denying progress made.

I have never had a serious relationship.

I immaturely burned bridges with two life time friends these past few years.

Unresolved family issues— I drag myself into.

Still moderate to heavy weed usage.
Nicotine pouches." 

---Instead : You will have a sense of prioritization of which "you" is relevant and important to you in relation to the other priorities of your many aspects of self
example:  Are you at the stage of  Co-dependent / Independent / Interdependent relationships?     Where are you with your own self-relationship?  How does the balance of your self-relationship maintenance weigh vs having a significant other partner?  ... Would you rather put more time/energy into quitting smoking(replacing habit)  , or handling family drama?   What is more important to you now, family relationship, personal relationships, or self-relationship? 

THE EASY WAY TO DO THIS: (Your Meta-Guide) 

Take Wilber's AQAL Model, break it down, use speedrun meta-strategy ( first 20% will be TYPES,  Just do this  ,  2 10 minutes tests   knock these personality tests out real quick)  MBTI TEST Enneagram WHY: Because you get 80% of the package with these 2 models  , Pareto optimized.

All Quadrants All Levels(Stages) , Lines, States Types   ( Just do the Types(Horizontal) tests,  be aware of 4 Quadrants, and gradually work on the Levels/Stages(Vertical)

Quadrants is the simple model for you to use like the pre-layer to the others   example: I feel you, WE are in a rough position in life,  IT is natural in life, ITS all okay because we all die anyways

 

THIS IS VERTICAL (Levels / Stages)       
Levels/Stages (Spiral Dynamics / Terri O'Fallon STAGES (her vids are the best)  / Ego Development Theory / )

---

Another thing I can't suggest enough... Journaling...   
WHY JOURNAL:   Given 5 journal entries of you just venting your thoughts out like you did here, you will see patterns connecting them, Thats why
Also why: (When you get old, you won't have recordings of your life, except for those journals, they will be the embodiment you spilled onto pages and preserved for your own collection of your life later on, you don't get a second chance to have a journal in your 20's or 30's )



---

Also my dude, never feel ashamed to post something like this... in fact, I ask for your help in setting the example , as you have done by posting this, you are displaying a sense of courage that gives others the ability to move further... You should realize that this post might of felt negative to you, but you a god damn war hero to some people
 

[theleelajoker]

On 28.1.2026 at 1:36 AM, yetineti said:

@theleelajoker @Natasha Tori Maru

Thank you for your stories.

I needed to access some stories like this from people directly. It is easy to disassociate watching YouTube videos or celebrity stories.

You guys are real people. There are a lot of us. We struggle. All is well.

I get you. @Hojo once shared a bit of his story and I felt encouraged by it. 

[Natasha Tori Maru]

5 minutes ago, theleelajoker said:

I get you. @Hojo once shared a bit of his story and I felt encouraged by it. 

Agree. He turned his shit around 

[Joseph Maynor]

6 hours ago, Natasha Tori Maru said:

Living truthfully for me is about integrity of action. Ruthless, honest action where I am congruent. My words align with execution. Follow-through. Ruthless follow-through. This was a hard earned lesson for me that did not come naturally. But it is necessary for my survival and basic wellbeing needs. To reduce mind chatter and anxiety. To bring abundance. Grounded. Human

This is what I'm trying to get back in touch with regarding how I create.  Very well said.