Handling Existential Terror

[Eterno]

I haven't made a post in a while, and I apologize in advance for the disjointed thoughts that are about to arise out of my Consciousness. I have nowhere else to write this, and I am seeking some sort of aid from those that have been on this hellish path before me.

I got involved in self actualization and deeply around 2 years ago. It was after I broke up with my ex girlfriend, and I was in a terrible mental state. I decided to turn to improving myself. I started off with some of Leo's old content, learning more and more about how to improve myself, seeing cool ideas, and understanding where I could take my life if I really dedicated myself. I started a lot of things. I've been working out regularly for a year and a half, I have a job that allows me to survive, I don't have any particularly nasty habits (aside from smoking weed a few times a week), I've developed some solid friendships, I'm living with roommates, I have hobbies, I have a life purpose, and things generally look good on the outside. I say all of this to show where my life is actually at. There are things I could improve upon, sure, but most of my life is in a decent state.

But internally, I am being ripped apart. Shortly after I started watching Leo's videos, I began learning about Enlightenment. I went to a meditation retreat on a whim, stayed for the full ten days, kept learning more and more about Awakening and Solipsism, watched countless of Leo's videos about it, and started to have some direct experiences. I have an old post that details a trip that I took several months ago. Since I had that trip, I've taken a step back from all of the spirituality and Enlightenment topics. I've just tried to live my life and be happy. But I've noticed in my perception that I can't quite shake this. I feel like I've learned too much. I understand too much about reality now, and I want to go back. I want to forget the things that I've learned. I can see reality a lot clearer now. I constantly see survival everywhere. I see the people around me shaped by it, I see myself shaped by it. As Leo so eloquently posted in one of his blog posts recently, "Survival is your only Master", or something to that extent. I can see it.

I started following politics a bit more just to be more informed, and I couldn't have been more terrified and ripped apart by that. I've seen countless videos and posts of Trump and his agenda being directly enforced, and it terrifies me. The pure level of greed and hatred that emanates from that man is sick. I've begun to research corruption and understand how survival ties into it, and it has been an atrocious set of things to learn about. I can see that, with our existing system, there is seemingly no way out. The oligarchs have hold on the system, and they enforce whatever benefits them. Trump is the worst offender, but many many other actors are involved. It's a terrible thing to watch, and I can't believe that it is reality.

After being scared enough by that, I recalled that perception is reality. So, I tried focusing on more of the pleasant aspects of reality. I worked on my friendships, a new relationship (which has ended at this point), love, family, music, drawing, creation. Creativity has been a big aspect of my life that has really helped me with some of the difficult times I've gone through. I've been working on that a lot, but it hasn't been until recently that I've just felt my mind constantly being pulled. Constantly being pulled to a place I don't want to go.

I feel my mind being pulled apart. When I smoke or take low levels of psychedelics, my mind is terrified. I feel terror, because I have no idea what reality actually is. I keep hearing all these ideas. I have the thoughts in my own head, and I have the external world telling me all of these things. I hear about corruption and survival and hate and love and Enlightenment. But I've never experienced reality itself, as itself. And I'm absolutely terrified to. Nothing other than my own experience has any weight whatsoever. It's all just hearsay. But the only way I will ever experience reality fully is if I submit to it. If I allow it to be no matter what it is and accept it. But I don't want to accept it if it isn't ultimately loving and caring and perfect. Based on what I've seen recently, I feel like reality isn't perfect. I feel like it's tainted with survival. It's tainted with hate and selfishness. And if I'm all there ever was, and this reality is just me playing as God, then what does that mean for me as an ego? If there is only this, and this is actually just a sinister plan of Evil to enjoy my suffering, how am I supposed to accept that? I don't know if this is true, but I also don't know if anything that Leo or anyone else on this forum says is true. How do I not know that this is all one grand conspiracy to just get me to accept that reality is Evil so that I can be used for the survival of someone else? How do I not know that this isn't just some huge mistake? How do I know I didn't just fuck up everything during the one acid trip I had when I took 3 tabs before I was ready for such levels?

How can anyone walk this path and not want to kill themselves? I constantly think about that, though I know I would never take my own life. Things are good generally speaking, but I feel absolute terror and dread for the future. I have no idea what it holds for me. I don't even know what death is. What happens after death? Is it even anything good? What if it's truly just nothing, or even worse, what if it's terrifying and nothing but pain and suffering? What if I create reality and the mere terror of this ends up making it real? What if reality is nothing but hate and evil?

How do I know this isn't true? There is no way. There is no way unless I look at it myself. But the closer I get, the more I feel myself dying. I feel the idea of me dying with every step I take. Yet somehow, I feel like I have no choice in the matter. I feel like I'm pulled to wake up, even when I don't want to. It's like an addiction. I want to just go back to my human life. I just want to be able to enjoy things. I want to play music for people and have friends and have good sex and eat good food and laugh and enjoy life. But I feel like this is impossible with this constant sense of existential dread hanging over my head. And seeing constant reminders of survival and evil in the everyday world makes it no easier. I try to hold onto things that bring me joy, but this level of terror is beyond anything I've ever been able to handle. I don't know what to do. I'm forced to go through this, but I need some relief, I need to be able to just live my life. I need to be able to function and just do human things. I don't want to feel existential dread or awaken. I don't care about any of those things right now. I'm just in a constant state of fear, and I want to get out. I don't mean to say I don't care about Truth, but I want to be happy. I want to live a full life. I feel like I've partially ripped my mind apart, and now I'm trying to mend it back together, but I can't no matter how hard I try. And I feel like it's only a matter of time until reality decides it wants to end me. It's only a matter of time before I die. And then, I'll have to deal with whatever is on the other side of death. And that is a terrifying thought.

I have no idea what happens after death, but I don't want to find out. But I have no choice. I just want to live. I don't even know why I'm posting this because any words that come from anywhere are dubious to me now. I never know what is real and what is fake.

But despite that, any consolation or words of affirmation or support would be beyond appreciated. I just want some relief from this never-ending addiction to seeking yet not quite knowing full Truth. I just want to live. It's all I've ever wanted. The seriousness of Reality has me begging for any relief. I want to laugh and love and play and enjoy life. I don't want to constantly be in fear and nihilism and impending doom. I just want to live. Does anyone know how to help with that problem?

[Hojo]

Sounds like you are doing good. The path to Spiritual awakening is not fun.

You empty your cup of the good emotions then you empty your cup of the negative emotions.

Before I awaken I felt impending doom everywhere, I felt demons looking at me from dark shadows. I felt like I was turning into a robot.

Then something beautiful happen. Just accept it.

Release all hope.

 

Edited Saturday at 09:56 PM by Hojo

[theleelajoker]

I did face many of the questions and thoughts you are asking. Sometimes still do. But less, and they carry less weight. What's life, what am I doing here, who are others, oh shit this is solipsism, all just biological programs, I wished I could go back to not knowing, fuck I'm not functional anymore, this doesn't make sense, should I kill myself, can I even be killed, WTF is death and who can I believe anything...it I  can believe anything from anyone at all. Etc etc 

@Hojo wrote you're doing good, and as strange as it sounds, I think he's right. Sounds like stepwise dissolving your ego structure. 

Keep going. Find your way of handling it. Time itself will help you to, at least it did for me.

Edited Saturday at 10:40 PM by theleelajoker

[Breakingthewall]

Life finds its own path. If that path is war, then that's it. Life unfolds, opens up, seeks expansion. A major obstacle to aligning with reality is the ideal of love, happiness, and well-being. Life lives on, that's all. Be one with it, be aligned. 

Life doesn't care about suffering, injustice, or death; it only cares about being, because it is. Nothing is external to you as reality; everything is external to you as a dualistic being. Death is here, right here, a millimeter away from this moment. If you open yourself to it completely, you are one with reality, then there is not fear anymore.

[cetus]

@Eterno A Zen master would have you meditate on "Mu" as a way to break your mind from having these thoughts. When meditating on Mu you are not seeking answers or solutions of any kind. One meditates on Mu as way to break the mind from its endless habit of always needing answers. Mu meaning nothing or no-thing.

Here is a koan that you can also meditate on:

A monk asked Tozan, "What is Buddha?" Tozan replied, "Three pounds of flax".

[Hojo]

Before I awaken I was going through the same things but I didnt have any spiritual bullshit ideas like you have gathered. I was athiest so it was probably better. This seems like you have a spiritual ego. Ignore all these ideas of solipsism and everything. All my problems had to do with reality, not metaphysical reality.

Edited Sunday at 02:42 AM by Hojo

[Opulence]

It sounds like you’re doing okay, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now. The path to spiritual awakening isn’t comfortable or pleasant. First, the familiar joys and positive emotions seem to drain away, and then the heavier emotions rise to the surface to be felt and released.

Before my own awakening, everything felt ominous. There was a constant sense of impending doom, shadows felt alive, and I felt disconnected from myself—almost mechanical, as if I were losing my humanity.

And then, quietly, something beautiful unfolded. Not through force or understanding, but through acceptance. Let whatever arises pass through you. There’s nothing you need to fix or chase. Even hope can be gently set down for now. What’s real will meet you where you are.

[Eterno]

Firstly, I would like to thank each of you for your responses and helping me. Even though they all aren't the most dazzling or reassuring, I do appreciate the time you've taken and for sharing the wisdom you've gleaned on the path. A heartfelt thank you to @Hojo, @cetus, @Breakingthewall, @theleelajoker, @Opulence . I do appreciate the words from each of you.

Now, for my response to @Hojo, I can see that going through the karma is would logically be required to attain enlightenment, but god does it fucking suck. It is absolutely terrifying and exhausting, and I find myself wanting nothing more that to forget everything I've learned. I don't know if something beautiful ever will happen, it's like I'm being told to hold out for a promotion at work, and to just keep acting the way I need to. I don't really know what to think or say to that without getting deeper into the process. As for the video, I'll need to watch this a few times before I get it. I can feel my mind pulling away from it as I watched it the first time. I do certainly still have a sense of self, an ego. Both spiritual and personal.

@theleelajoker yes, I'm sure you can understand where I'm coming from based on your experience. You too seem to wrestle with some of the same thoughts that arise. Especially based on Leo's videos. I do know that my ego is slowly dissolving. I can tell now when I enter different states of Consciousness that it is no longer the same as it used to be. Certain ideas have invaded my mind. It's like I've cut away pieces of my sense of self, and I literally cannot reattach them. I don't know what to do with this. I'm trying to do everything I can, but I cannot put them back together. The illusion has begun to unravel.

@Breakingthewall I do not like this response, but I see where you're coming from. Certainly, this has been one of the most difficult truths that I still wrestle with regularly. Coming to terms with the fact that reality itself is not all goodness is one of my deepest fears. Yet I know that this is true. I don't know how I can accept reality with it being like this. Seeing that it is full of Evils and pains and suffering is one of the truths that I actively avoid. Though I can see how this would be ultimate love. Love will allow all things, not just what I perceive as good. Because reality loves all. It is a different type of Love from the love humans usually feel. I just don't know how I can accept this type of love.

@cetus you seem to be referencing something very similar to the video that @Hojo posted. This is the difficult part. Once the ideas of how sinister reality might be arise, I don't know how I can handle those. I've developed this sense of fairness and humanly love and only wanting things that make me feel good, but that isn't reality. This is the hard pill that I must swallow. I don't know how to allow myself to accept this. I fear that if I do, I will be caught in a cycle of endless suffering. Though I suppose, in a way, that already is reality. Thank you for the koan, I will meditate on it at some point.

@Opulence you understand as well. I'm glad you and the others think I'm doing alright, though I suppose this may just add to my sense of self, which I suppose makes the journey a bit harder because it's another thing I have to shed. I just don't want to let go of that ego that I've developed. I do hope you and the others are right about something beautiful unfolding. If it isn't something beautiful, I may go insane, or I may actually do something drastic just to regain my sense of control once more. So much I'd want to forget if I found out that.

You all seem to mention the release of hope. Hope that something good will arise out of this. I consider hope to be one of the fundamental human emotions. Greed and hope, both aligned with survival and love, respectively. I understand, though, that to awaken, both of these must be transcended. This is the difficult part of the journey. I don't know if I want to set them both down. There's a part of me that wants to go back, back to when I didn't understand all of this and have a spiritual ego and didn't have to think about reality at this deep of a level. But I know I can't go back. It's quite literally impossible. I've been fractured, and now, I'm on the path, whether I like it or not.

Thank you all again for your words, even if they weren't something I wanted to hear. I am grateful for the help on my journey.

[Hojo]

@EternoHope is a cope. Its actually holding you back.

 

Edited Sunday at 04:07 AM by Hojo

[Mellowmarsh]

@Eterno Watching this video might help you understand something about your terror.

 

What if your deepest anxiety has no object? What if the dread you feel at 3am isn't about anything in particular—not failure, rejection, or danger—but about the very structure of existence itself? Explore the anxiety that emerges when you face your own freedom, your own nothingness, your own radical responsibility to create yourself in a universe that provides no guidance.

 

 

[theleelajoker]

@Eterno

Yeah, so I don't know what's best for you, but if I had a time machine to go back where I was in a similar phase to what you describe, I would put my focus on:

• Preparing my body. Yoga, breath work, tai chi, gym,  whatever relaxes and strengthens the body to hold that different level of consciousness 
• Focus on maximizing presence. Like hojo said, hope is one thing, it's  better to sit with what is and feel it somatically, with maximum curiosity. Where do I feel that thought? How does it feel? 
• If thoughts come up, observe. And ask yourself: is this thought good for me? How I know it's good or not good for me? 
• Practice not knowing. I don't know. And it's Ok to don't know. I don't know the answer to big questions in life, and you don't know what all this means and what will come out of this, and how it will all unfold.

In hindsight, I believe now it's was not the new information or state of me or the environment that made it difficult for me back then. It was that I had to CHANGE. I had to give up many ideas and assumptions about life, a lot of my ego identity was tied to it. And thus the struggle, clinging to it, resisting change.

I thought of this: if the world and my experience in it would have been as it is now, with this new level of consciousness: If someone told me all this information before on day one of my life, if my experience was like that from the start- would there be a problem? 

 

[cetus]

 

14 hours ago, Eterno said:

. I want to just go back to my human life.

 

14 hours ago, Eterno said:

I have no idea what happens after death, but I don't want to find out

 

14 hours ago, Eterno said:

I feel like I have no choice in the matter.

 

14 hours ago, Eterno said:

I just want some relief from this never-ending addiction to seeking yet not quite knowing full Truth.

 

8 hours ago, Eterno said:

14 hours ago, Eterno said:

I have no idea what it holds for me

 I don't know how to allow myself to accept this. I fear that if I do, I will be caught in a cycle of endless suffering.

 Seems that you're stuck in a self-imposed strange loop of negative thoughts that leaves you no way out. You say you want answers but at the same time you tell yourself if you get them, you may not be able to handle truth. So, you have painted yourself right into a corner. Better get used to where you're at until you change that self-sabotaging thought process that "YOU" created.

[Ulax]

What has helped me are the following lecture series: (I think lectures could be better than books for you) 

Issue with most political content is its very emotional, sensationalised, and honestly not very accurate.

 I think its helpful to take in perspectives which are a higher level and more neutral in tone.

This helps because your mind then refers more to these sources, instead of these emotional/ sensationalised styles. Leo is also rather dramatic in the way he speaks (i am saying that non-judgmentally), and i think it is good to balance that out with more grounded lecturers.

Has helped me at least.

I get though that lecture series can seem like a bigger time commitment.

----

That said, I think most important is correct diagnosis of cause of your anxiety. For example, it could be that the existential stuff is just symptom rather than cause, and you're anxious because you eat gluten whilst being a undiagnosed gluten intolerant. Random example but you can see the point hopefully. You seem like an organised guy so you could devise a plan to try and test what the possibilities are.

Edited Sunday at 03:39 PM by Ulax