Completely froze during the "date"

[Something Funny]

It wasn't a real date but a role play scene during the dating workshop, but I think the same thing would happen to me in real life as well. 

The setting was that me and the girl I was partners with are on our first date at the restaurant and we need to chat, flirt, and show attraction for each other.

And I just failed miserably, haha. 

The moment I sat down at the table across her, my heart started racing, my mind went completely empty, and I just stared at her like an idiot, having no clue what to do. I've tried to save it a few times, asking to restart the scene and asking her random questions (like oh, tell me about those bracelets you are wearing). But I would quickly get reach dead end and once again find myself not knowing what to say and covering my face with my palms in embarrassment.

The funny thing is that before the exercise, I was able to have pretty decent conversations with this same girl, in a more relaxed, friendly atmosphere. But I completely shat my pants under pressure. 

I know there is probably no easy, magic solution to it and it's just a matter of exposing myself to this kind of experience again, and again, and again, until my brain stops freaking out. But still, does anyone have any tips, lol?

I know I am supposed to free associate and come up with topis based on what's happening right now, and also ask her questions, but I couldn't do any of it at all.
 

[ivankiss]

You want her too much, you care too much about the outcome and deep down you don't feel worthy of her attention or love.

Catch a smaller fish. Or, you know, work on yourself.

Either way, applauding your bravery. It takes balls. But that's clearly not enough.

[Something Funny]

Just now, ivankiss said:

But that's clearly not enough.

That's what I've recently realised with those dating workshops and also acting classes.

Just having balls to raise your hand and volunteer and just showing up isn't enough. Unless I somehow get my mind under control, it will keep sabotaging me and I want be able to actually do anything.

2 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

You want her too much, you care too much about the outcome and deep down you don't feel worthy of her attention or love.

I don't think that's true (maybe the last part, a bit). Sure, she was attractive. But I wasn't obsessed with her or "wanted" her all that much. 

I came there with the mindset of getting a fishing rod, not a fish. And I tried to keep coming back to it, without being distracted by whether I like any particular girl or not. Maybe I wasn't able to fully embody it, but still.

I just feel like there was so much inherent pressure in the situation itself, aside from whether the girl was attractive or not. I think she could be ugly and I wouldn't do much better.

[ivankiss]

@Something Funny Regardless of what the underlying belief(s) might be... freezing, in any moment, under any circumstances, comes down to fear.

What are you afraid of? Rejection? Making a fool of yourself? Not being enough? 

What made you freez? Are you even sure you like her?

Edited yesterday at 12:27 AM by ivankiss

[Something Funny]

Oh also, I was freaking out so much that she was like "do you want to hold my hands?"  

[Something Funny]

@ivankiss I agree that it comes down to fear. 

What exactly I was afraid off? I need to think about that. I guess I just felt put on the spot. Like: here you are, perform. And that pressure is what made me so anxious?

Why is that scary? What I was afraid would happen if I performed badly? 

Well, I am in luck, cause I did perform badly, haha. And I guess what happened is that I:

1. lost an opportunity with that girl

2. yeah, made a fool of myself as well, I guess

3. now I feel kind of empty, sad, and lonely

Is that all I was afraid off or is there something more? I feel like there is. I think that if I was fully aware that this is all there is to it, I wouldn't care that much. Actually, I guess I really wanted to look good in her eyes, and also in the eyes of everybody else there. And was more afraid of making a fool of myself that I am consciously admitting. And that's what caused the most stress.

[Something Funny]

8 minutes ago, Something Funny said:

Oh also, I was freaking out so much that she was like "do you want to hold my hands?"  

And it's funny because normally, I could only dream of a girl asking if I want to hold her hands like that. But in this case I just was too proud to do that, and because it felt like such a low hanging fruit to reach for. 

[ivankiss]

@Something Funny Yes, overthinking, "performance" anxiety, fear of losing her before you even got her. Been there, kind of, it sucks. Again, you care too much about the outcome. And that robs you of your ability to just be yourself  (awesome) and enjoy your time together naturally, spontaneously.

It's counterintuitive, and it can definitely be done the wrong way, but you really just have to care less. Much easier said than done.

I'm not saying be passive or God forbid mean and nasty towards her. Just don't be so desperate to win her over and take her home. Or whatever else.

Be there because you genuinely find her interesting and you want to get to know her more deeply and enjoy your time together.

Don't forget to breathe. Shake your nerves off before meeting. Maybe do some push ups.

 

 

[Something Funny]

@ivankissok, thanks

[ivankiss]

@Something Funny Let us know how it goes.

Good luck.

[Something Funny]

@ivankiss thank you! Hopefully, I will be able to get some more experience with this soon.

[Yimpa]

Every rejection has been a blessing for me. I've been rejected hundreds thousands of times. I love losing. I love failing. 

This is how I ultimately win.

Edited yesterday at 01:39 AM by Yimpa

[Rishabh R]

@Yimpa Great quote. To add to it I would say- Rejection is a saviour from wrong people in life.( Making this quote based on my experience)

[Something Funny]

4 hours ago, Yimpa said:

Every rejection has been a blessing for me. I've been rejected hundreds thousands of times. I love losing. I love failing. 

This is how I ultimately win.

I wasn't rejected. I just fucked up real bad.

[Yimpa]

2 hours ago, Something Funny said:

I wasn't rejected. I just fucked up real bad.

I love you any way.

Edited 17 hours ago by Yimpa

[Something Funny]

@Yimpa so sweet <3

Thanks.

[theleelajoker]

10 hours ago, Something Funny said:

@ivankiss I agree that it comes down to fear. 

What exactly I was afraid off? I need to think about that. I guess I just felt put on the spot. Like: here you are, perform. And that pressure is what made me so anxious?

Why is that scary? What I was afraid would happen if I performed badly? 

Well, I am in luck, cause I did perform badly, haha. And I guess what happened is that I:

1. lost an opportunity with that girl

2. yeah, made a fool of myself as well, I guess

3. now I feel kind of empty, sad, and lonely

Is that all I was afraid off or is there something more? I feel like there is. I think that if I was fully aware that this is all there is to it, I wouldn't care that much. Actually, I guess I really wanted to look good in her eyes, and also in the eyes of everybody else there. And was more afraid of making a fool of myself that I am consciously admitting. And that's what caused the most stress.

Contemplating is great.

My lesson is that sometimes the solution is also just stored in your organism, nervous system.  Sounds like classics freeze reaction, and the thoughts are a consequence of past experiences stored in the body.

One week of good sports, stretch, sauna etc was more valuable then 1 year of contemplating and understanding.

Edited 14 hours ago by theleelajoker

[Princess Arabia]

12 hours ago, Something Funny said:

@ivankiss I agree that it comes down to fear. 

What exactly I was afraid off? I need to think about that. I guess I just felt put on the spot. Like: here you are, perform. And that pressure is what made me so anxious?

Why is that scary? What I was afraid would happen if I performed badly? 

Well, I am in luck, cause I did perform badly, haha. And I guess what happened is that I:

1. lost an opportunity with that girl

2. yeah, made a fool of myself as well, I guess

3. now I feel kind of empty, sad, and lonely

Is that all I was afraid off or is there something more? I feel like there is. I think that if I was fully aware that this is all there is to it, I wouldn't care that much. Actually, I guess I really wanted to look good in her eyes, and also in the eyes of everybody else there. And was more afraid of making a fool of myself that I am consciously admitting. And that's what caused the most stress.

Ironically, it is this that would have been the attractive part to me. I would have been so attracted to this if I was aware all this was going on inside you. It shows sincerity and vulnerability that can only be unleashed by someone that cares. Doesn't matter what you cared about, you cared enough to want to do and be better and that's all that counts in this situation, not excellence. There is no way up from excellence. Now its time for some real excitement and challenges, baby, let's do this together. That's how you do this, not scheme and organize your way into getting it right. Fuck up all the way while trying not to fuck up. How attractive is that. Forget about what to do next time and any tips. Approach it organically and let what happens, happens. Right on! You did great.

[ivankiss]

@Princess Arabia That's a nice/refreshing perspective. Enjoyed reading. Sadly, most women will not think the same way. But that's just my opinion.

[Sugarcoat]

I can relate to this. Might add more thoughts later but what came to mind was in high school my crush talked to me once (I’ve talked to him before but this particular moment I was nervous). He walked up to me and said hello and I just froze and said nothing and awkwardly looked away and he was like “hellooo😄” noticing I felt awkward. lol just know it’s possible to overcome, I worked at it and nowadays I’m not nervous socially 

I sound so silly by taking example from high school lmao but it’s just because it was that time I was shy😭

Edited 12 hours ago by Sugarcoat