How do you know if it’s time to end a relationship ?

[AudibleLocket]

I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years with someone I love deeply, but lately things have become really hard for me. My girlfriend struggles with depression, and I’ve been feeling emotionally drained. I often find myself thinking about what life would be like as a single guy – young, living in my own apartment, with a successful career. Sometimes the relationship feels like a big weight holding me back.

Last Friday, I told her I wanted to break up, but after talking, we decided to take a break instead. Now the decision is in my hands, and I feel completely lost. I love her, but the relationship feels complicated and heavy. Today, I feel very sad and even panicky at times, like I might be making a huge mistake.

I don’t know what to do. Should I keep trying to make this work, or is it healthier for me to move on?

[meta_male]

Having been on both sides of that struggle I honestly don't know, sometimes neither decision feels clean. Love isn't always enough if the weight keeps dragging you down. Real question is, is it temporary or permanent?

[AudibleLocket]

@meta_male

Thank you for your reply. It’s something I’ve been feeling for quite some time — a sense that something is missing in the relationship. Even when we’re traveling, going out for dinner, or doing things that are supposed to feel special, I still feel like something is lacking.

Right now, my heart is shattered… I’m sad in a way I’ve never been before. I can’t stop thinking about her , she’s the person I love the most in this world.

At the same time, I feel that being on my own would allow me to focus on myself again and grow as a person. I feel like the relationship is holding me back from evolving in many areas of my life.

[meta_male]

2 hours ago, AudibleLocket said:

Thank you for your reply. It’s something I’ve been feeling for quite some time — a sense that something is missing in the relationship. Even when we’re traveling, going out for dinner, or doing things that are supposed to feel special, I still feel like something is lacking.

I've gone through several relationships, sometimes even tried again after breaking up because I couldn't make up my mind about what's missing. What I learnt: the missing part doesn't just magically disappear. Getting back together only feels beautiful in imagination, not in reality.

2 hours ago, AudibleLocket said:

Right now, my heart is shattered… I’m sad in a way I’ve never been before. I can’t stop thinking about her , she’s the person I love the most in this world

Yeah I can imagine. Grief is brutal. Nothing can ease it except time.

 

[theleelajoker]

@AudibleLocket

Tough man. Been there, too. No way to sugarcoat it, 4 years is a long time. Lot's of connection and bonding, also with living together. 

Same time, being emotionally drained from the relationship sucks as well. Can be like a black cloud.

 

Don't know you, her or the situation. But is there any chance to get some distance? Physically, geographically, emotionally etc?

Chance to go away for few days, hiking, talking walks, visiting places outside normal routine to connect to yourself? Physical movement to get some tension out of your body, sweating, sauna etc. Might help you to move in your decision making process towards 

Edited August 26 by theleelajoker

[Elliott]

Talk together about potential ways to fix the problem, if it doesn't work, break up. She could surprise you.

Have you two dated many other people? I think it's generally a good thing to have dated a few people,  you two likely shared good times together and that's something to be appreciated the rest of your lives, but it's not reason to marry her.

Edited August 26 by Elliott

[AudibleLocket]

I’ve also been thinking a lot because I recently watched @Leo Gura video about relationship red flags (I’ll attach it), and honestly, she has several of them. She takes three different medications, is almost always late, and had to leave her job recently. On top of that, she decided to start another college program.

At the same time, she can be very caring with me, and we do have good conversations. It’s not like everything is bad, but these things make me wonder if we’re really compatible for the future.

Man how it is so hard to break up ...fu*k....

 

[Elliott]

1 hour ago, AudibleLocket said:

 

Man how it is so hard to break up ...fu*k....

 

It is. It's why most people start a fight to break up. It will be okay if you break up.

[meta_male]

10 hours ago, AudibleLocket said:

I’ve also been thinking a lot because I recently watched @Leo Gura video about relationship red flags (I’ll attach it), and honestly, she has several of them.

Most people have several of them, it's a stupid list. Do you want to take relationship advice from someone who isolates himself?

[theleelajoker]

21 minutes ago, meta_male said:

Most people have several of them, it's a stupid list. Do you want to take relationship advice from someone who isolates himself?

HOLY SHIT I WAS ABOUT TO WRITE THE SAME FUCKING THING!  Damn magic, this maya

Really, both points. 

1. Leo does not seem to me a good source on relationships and women. Great on other topics, but living in isolation, and the derogatory way he talks about others etc he's not a source I would put trust in re these topics

2. Never met anyone that does not have any "red flag", even the happiest couple I know, living together for decades have all kind of "topics". It's being human IMO. 

Plus: You choose your gf for a reason, and there is always a subconscious matching pattern IME. So  meeting and dating quite a few emotionally unstable women in certain periods in my life I was - yeah you guess it - not the most emotionally stabe person myself ahahaha  

Edited August 27 by theleelajoker

[Natasha Tori Maru]

@AudibleLocket

Very, very difficult and heart-wrenching situation - my compassion <3

Been on both sides.

Also have gone on a 'break' to reassess. This never worked for me. I should have just cut it clean off as it prolonged the pain, anguish and grieving process.

When a relationship is ending, or you are considering ending it, it is literally as if something in your reality is dying. What you had may end - that is a death of your existence as you know it, so it does feel like your guts have been ripped out of you. 

One really important factor in my opinion - what is she actively doing to take responsibility for her pathology?

Being brutally honest - it is just not enough to use pathology, anxiety, depression etc as an excuse for any sort of poor behavior. This can include not living up to responsibilities and commitments, or treatment of you directly. It sounds like she is on the right track - meds - but medication is NOT a magic bullet that fixes shit, or enables one to not work hard in therapy and creating a structure to support you while you recover. Serious mental health issues require commitment to overcome.

Most relationships can move through this, but your partner needs to take full responsibility.

Make no mistake - I am not saying anything is her fault - it is not her fault at all. But it is her responsibility to herself, to you, and to the relationship to be doing everything she can do get better. It sounds like enrolling in another course is the wrong move - that energy needs to go back to her rehabilitation. If she cannot hold down a job, how will she be able to handle college? That being said - I do not know the full circumstances around this, and the job loss may be due to things not connected to depression. In addition, people with depression often need many avenues for support. It does both of you no good if she relies on you exclusively for this.

Fundamentally, is sounds like you are growing and she is stuck. The above question is the one to think on.

If she is really going hard at self-healing it will be worth sticking around to assist her if you feel there is a lot to salvage - do you think you see this commitment from her?

I write this having been through some serious mental health issues myself - being in her position directly. I did not take responsibility for my healing - and I hurt all those around me for a long time. 

[pablo_aka_god]

I think it comes down to whether your GF recognizes her issues and shows you a serious plan for change.

My ex had BPD and I really wanted it to work but she should lie and go over my boundaries consistently and I could never get her to recognize a single mistake, she would straw man every discussion. 

I left her not because of what she did but bc of the way she reacted when she made mistakes, no willingness to change even if I was in pain.

 

It's been 4 months since we broke I still stalk her on IG and think about her every day. But I know this is the correct decision. Whatever you do, follow your intuition and do it with intention.

Edited August 27 by pablo_aka_god

[Schizophonia]

4 hours ago, theleelajoker said:

2. Never met anyone that does not have any "red flag", even the happiest couple I know, living together for decades have all kind of "topics". It's being human IMO. 

Better than that, love is about recognize (so project) of a lack in the other and wanting to fill it.

So you will love someone for things that are going to be redflags for people that dont have the same karma.

[theleelajoker]

1 hour ago, Schizophonia said:

Better than that, love is about recognize (so project) of a lack in the other and wanting to fill it.

So you will love someone for things that are going to be redflags for people that dont have the same karma.

You mean for example:

Person A likes vulnerability in someone ("authentic expression!"), while it's a red flag for Person B ("so weak!")

Or Person A likes to take responsibility for both him/her and partner ("cool I'm useful and important"), while Person B would stay away ("I only like independent people")

[Schizophonia]

8 minutes ago, theleelajoker said:

You mean for example:

Person A likes vulnerability in someone ("authentic expression!"), while it's a red flag for Person B ("so weak!")

Or Person A likes to take responsibility for both him/her and partner ("cool I'm useful and important"), while Person B would stay away ("I only like independent people")

Yes exactly 

[Sugarcoat]

Is she trying to better her mental health? If no then maybe it’s not worth investing in such a person. If she is actively trying to improve herself then maybe it’s worth giving it time, but if it persists for long and doesn’t get better then might consider leaving.

Her depression is probably not the only factor to you considering leaving, but I just commented on that because it’s the thing you mentioned.

Basically if someone is trying to improve and you see their potential it can be worth staying to grow together and meet the better version of yourselves eventually. But if you don’t see that in her then…

Edited August 27 by Sugarcoat

[theleelajoker]

48 minutes ago, Schizophonia said:

Yes exactly 

👍

[samijiben]

Sounds to me you gotta break this shit off

Obviously it's your decision, your situation, your relationship, your life — obviously!

But that you would take the matter of breaking up with your 4 year old girlfriend to an internet forum shows that you are not clear about this.

If you are not clear about this (and considering the beans you spilled, re: depression on her part and it weighing you down), it does indeed make sense to break it off (to me). That is, it makes sense to me.

I was in a long term relationship with some nice lady. I totally forgot who I was in that relationship. Took me months after the breakup to realize that. You might be in the same situation. It might be the case that your identity and sense of self is so intimately wrapped up with her that you have no remaining Individuality and identity outside of her. Regaining that and finding yourself again is more than enough of a reason to break it up.

My logic comes from this assumption:

You are more important than her. And you specifically said that she has you feeling "emotionally drained." This should tell you everything you need to know to move forward. 

Go regain yourself. Sulk in despair. Fight demons. Kick ass. And do it alone. 

That's my advice. I hate people on this forum who give advice like the advice I'm giving. I recognize that. I hate myself. 

But if you do listen to my advice, it's because you know you needed to. One would NOT, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, break up with their girlfrienf because some anonymous fucker on the internet told them to if they truly, deeply loved them and were commited to the long term of the relationship. 

So, with that being said, break this shit off, and watch the cookie crumble. 

God Bless.

[meta_male]

On 27.8.2025 at 9:58 AM, theleelajoker said:

HOLY SHIT I WAS ABOUT TO WRITE THE SAME FUCKING THING!

I swear you are my half-a-decade-older clone.

On 27.8.2025 at 9:58 AM, theleelajoker said:

Plus: You choose your gf for a reason, and there is always a subconscious matching pattern IME. So  meeting and dating quite a few emotionally unstable women in certain periods in my life I was - yeah you guess it - not the most emotionally stabe person myself ahahaha  

True. I’ve been in relationships where I kept focusing more and more on her red flags...but I had mine too. Unfortunately, I only realised in hindsight. For me, what matters is whether the connection drains me or strengthens me. That tells me more than a checklist.

[theleelajoker]

1 hour ago, meta_male said:

I swear you are my half-a-decade-older clone.

They we're not happy with the result they got, so they kicked me out of the clone lab. Told themselves they need to make a new, better version. They didn't think I could do any harm in the real world, but now I'm walking around freely and pretend to be human, writing messaged in a forum to confuse people.

Hope they did a better job with your version. Got the serial number 863928 tattooed on my back so seems that the architects are doing shitty jobs for quite a while.

1 hour ago, meta_male said:

True. I’ve been in relationships where I kept focusing more and more on her red flags...but I had mine too. Unfortunately, I only realised in hindsight. For me, what matters is whether the connection drains me or strengthens me. That tells me more than a checklist.

Mirror principle 🪞 

First it's "it's you". Then it's "ok it's a little bit of me, and mostly you". After that it's a "alright, I admit it's 50:50". 

Then the image becomes more clear, and it's "ok it's mostly me and a bit of you". Then there are first moments of Uuups...Ehm..can I have a new mirror please? Hmm...ok, another mirror please? Please? Ah damn maybe if a polish the surface...hmmm ok. Different polish? Nope... alright, I take responsibility

Checklist have limited use. Agree on the draining or strengthening part.  But it's tricky as our behavior continuously influences the outcome.

For instance, what would have happened in the last relationship that was draining for me if I had managed to stay calm all the time? But then, if I could have stayed calm at this point of my life she never would have entered my life right? Karma gets you one way or another hehe 

Damn, you know what solves our problem? There must be a female clone version of us as well, right? Hopefully a Latina modell I always had a weakness for that series...