Biggest Fumble of My Life (DO NOT REPEAT)

[vinc3nc]

Last month I experienced the biggest fumble of my life. I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt such deep regret, if ever. It almost felt like heartbreak.

I was at a festival with my friends (we go every year). At some point we were sitting at a random table, drinking, talking, having fun. We were all natives. After a while, a few of my friends left to go sleep in their tents, so more of the bench opened up. Out of nowhere, two girls came and one of them sat down beside me. They apparently knew one of the girls who was a friend of ours. They were foreigners, from Spain. At this festival, maybe 1–2% of people are from abroad, the rest are locals.

So now I had two girls next to me: one a friend, and the other this Spanish girl. She was short, dark-haired, and really cute. She sat so close that our shoulders and arms naturally touched. I was pretty drunk, but not too much, probably just the right amount. We exchanged a few words at the start, and maybe one or two in the middle. At some point she sat with her legs pulled up on the bench, back facing the other side where my friends were. She had short pants on, bare legs right next to me (haha).

As you’ve already guessed, I didn’t make a move. I didn’t talk to her the way I should have. At the very least I could have asked her some basic questions: “what’s your story? what brought you here?” (Spain is pretty far away from my country). Instead, I kept talking to the other girl (my friend), trying to act like I wasn’t that interested (“hard to get,” haha). But deep down I felt like I still had time and that eventually we’d end up talking.

I don’t know how long she sat there, because when you’re drunk, time gets blurry. Probably around an hour or so. So yeah, I had more than enough time. But eventually she and her friend left the table, probably to sleep, because I never saw her again. Not at the dance floor later (where the main action was) or anywhere else.

At the time I didn’t think much of it. No regret. My thoughts were elsewhere. I just kept drinking, talking, enjoying myself. A few hours later I even took a small dose of MDMA. We stayed up all night, dancing to great music. Honestly, I couldn’t complain.

The next “day”, even though we hadn’t slept, my friend joked about the situation. He said something about me fumbling. His girlfriend added, “Well, he didn’t make a move,” and later, “One would need some balls to do that.” Probably because of that conversation I started to think about it a little more, but still, no big regret yet. I didn’t even comment.

It was only the day after, when I was back home, that it really hit. I felt a bit of the usual MDMA downer. In the past I’ve had massive ones, depression-like states where I couldn’t find joy in anything for days, even weeks maybe (can't remember that well). This time it wasn’t that bad at first. But then the second day… it started to sting hard. That’s when the thoughts about the Spanish girl started to loop in my head, over and over, each time hitting me with regret.

And this is coming from someone who has meditated daily for 7+ years. Awareness helps, letting go helps, reminding myself “I can’t change anything now” helps. But even then, I still felt powerless, like Im in hell.

I’ve fumbled plenty of girls in the past by being too passive, by not making a move. So of course the lesson is obvious: grow some balls. But apparently the past ones didn’t stick, so the universe had to set up an even bigger, more obvious situation - one that would finally hurt enough to make the point. And this time it did.

What stings the most is that I’m 99.9% sure I’ll never see this girl again. That’s why it feels almost like heartbreak. She sat beside me, and all I know about her is her name. wtf, seriously.

Imagine: the universe (or God) literally sets up the perfect situation. A girl basically lands in your lap, when you least expect it (because that’s usually how it goes). I couldn’t have asked for a better setup. I was drunk (so more confident than usual), and on top of that, I speak English well. I actually practice it regularly to improve. And yet, I basically did nothing. It’s almost comedy. A cosmic joke.

How many such situations does a guy get to experience in his life???

I tried to cope with the thought: “Maybe she wasn’t meant for you, and this happened to prepare you for when the right one comes.” You can spin it however you want, really. Only time will tell.

For context, I’ve been single for a long time and I’m not looking for anything serious. This was just a great opportunity to have some fun, and I fucking blew it.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I didn’t think it would end up being such a long post. I don’t really need advice, I just hope some1 out there learns from it and doesnt make the same mistake. Or maybe you have to experience it firsthand to learn. I dont know. Also, feel free to make fun of me if you want, haha.

[theleelajoker]

When I was a young, maybe 17 or so I was at a party with some friends. I was drunk, but not too much. A girl in the same school I found hot since a long time was there too. Never thought I had a real chance with her.

At some point, she decided to go home and says goodbye. She lived few minutes nearby and I decided to be a gentleman and to walk her home through the forest.

We arrive at her doorstep, she enters, and turns around. Halfway in, halfway still out, she looks at me and asks if I want to come upstairs with her. In my head, I was already back at the party, I mean I have zero chance with her so all I was thinking of was really taking her home safely! I said as a reflex, with zero recognition of the moment and very little experience with women: 'no no all good I go back to the party" 

She says "Ok", I turn around, she closes the door and I walk a while, back to the party ... suddenly I am getting back in the moment  Holy shit it's the middle of the night, she just asked you to come upstairs???????  And you fucking moron said no to the girl you're into for months????

I kind of knew it was too late now. The next months and years until school was finished I often sat behind her, watched her fine ass - IMO one of the best in the whole school - in tight jeans and wondered to fucking dumb one can be 

Talking about a fumble my friend...

Edited 22 hours ago by theleelajoker

[vinc3nc]

@theleelajoker

[theleelajoker]

Exactly 

[Jannes]

1 hour ago, vinc3nc said:

@theleelajoker

omg 

I am stealing that. 

[Jannes]

@vinc3nc Thats the story of my life haha, I fumbled so often and even stronger then you fumbled. 

I was at a club once and a girl saw me and kind of showed some interest. She came a little closer and when I didnt do something she kissed me on the cheek as a super obvious sign and left. But I was super out of a social state. Then I saw her later but didnt approach because I was scared. Danced a little and somebody kind of hit my balls accidently. This woke me up and so I finally had a story I could tell her. So I got to her and told her somebody just kicked me in the balls, it was a perfect goofy conversation starter. She asked where and if she could help with it and grabbed them and I played along. The state was perfect, but it was a complete overstimulation for me and I couldnt believe somebody would be so interested in me, so I told her that I will go dancing and maybe she could join. She put her head on her friend for some emotional support. Obviously she wouldnt want to put even more effort into coming closer to me on the dance floor where I didnt make any move. That was my biggest fumble ever, because it wasnt just sex, she really wanted to have sex with me, I would have gotten showered with approval. For context that was a pretty sexy club, banging in there is common so that was relatively more acceptable to grab my balls but still wild. 

But these situations are actually worth gold as a learning experience. Because if the situation is even slightly off, you could always make excuses for why you didnt make a move and so on, but in moments like these, you cant excuse yourself out of it. That helps you to seriously think about where your shortcomings are. 

[vinc3nc]

@Jannes it's even better with music

https://imgur.com/a/28zQIHH#VFbPWd9

Edited 20 hours ago by vinc3nc

[Sandroew]

[aurum]

2 hours ago, vinc3nc said:

How many such situations does a guy get to experience in his life???

Literally endless until you stop dating.

I'm in my 30s and still have fumbles. It's extremely rare you learn your lesson and never make that mistake again.

It still stings if it's someone you were really into, but maybe just a bit less.

This is why you need to stay sharp when you're single.

[vinc3nc]

@aurum I meant when a girl basically lands in your lap in a situation where you least expect it. Some guys never experience that in their life, especially if the girl is way above average in looks.

[vinc3nc]

@theleelajoker yeah, this is a big fumble also, but in a different way.

What makes this hurt so much is that I’m in my early 30s. I wasn’t socially unaware or awkward. I know all the theory about how to talk to girls, though I do lack a bit of experience. This wasn’t like being 17 and fumbling blindly. I understood perfectly well what was going on.

The reason it hurts so much is that I could see from a higher perspective how perfectly the situation was set up, like the universe was literally “playing” with me. And yet, I still did nothing. NOTHING.

Unlike situations where people see someone multiple times and can try again, I’ll never see this girl again. That’s what makes it feel like a real loss. MDMA probably amplified that feeling (also regret).

@Jannes at least you made a few moves. All I'm left with is "what if, what if..." I would much rather get rejected or even come across as creepy, lol.

Edited 18 hours ago by vinc3nc

[theleelajoker]

@vinc3nc

It was the universe putting you in this situation.

It was the universe freezing you so that you didn't act.

It's also the universe smiling at this thread.

If you had acted, she probably would have said "OMG you're so cute, you're so my type but I got a boyfriend two weeks ago otherwise I would jump you right away"

In my case above she probably would have said " I just want to cuddle"

Just stories. Better then being dead, isn't it?

 

Edited 14 hours ago by theleelajoker

[meta_male]

Yeah these hurt.

11 hours ago, vinc3nc said:

And this is coming from someone who has meditated daily for 7+ years. Awareness helps, letting go helps, reminding myself “I can’t change anything now” helps. But even then, I still felt powerless, like Im in hell.

Meditiation teaches you passivity. Your nervous system knows how to detach and let even one off chances go. You know how to wait and watch, but not how to strike. The heartbreak is less about the girl and more about your wiring finally clashing with reality hard enough for you to notice. 

11 hours ago, vinc3nc said:

I tried to cope with the thought: “Maybe she wasn’t meant for you, and this happened to prepare you for when the right one comes.” You can spin it however you want, really. Only time will tell.

This mindset needs an update. Just accept the sting. There is nobody conspiring for or against you. Next time just talk to her and don't play cool thinking you've got enough time. If you play hard to get you will be hard to get...for yourself.

Real question is: how do you train your nervous system to strike?

[Globalcollective]

Don't worry too much about this situation you can use it as fuel to take action next time. I would advise maybe start going out more and forcing yourself to take action, you can train yourself to strike by making it a habit. The reason why we generally don't take action even when opportunities are handed to us is because we fear the rejection or failure. So by getting use to that and realising failure isn't that bad you will be way more likely to do something next time. I use to be extremely passive and shy when I was younger and put myself in 1000s of social situations until I overcame that. I think the problem here isn't you messed up the situation but more over you don't get into situations like this often. if you did it wouldn't off been such a big deal, maybe start talking to more hot girls until it becomes second nature to take action. 

 

Also one other aspect to look into is limerence, nothing happened with you and the girl in question, so now it exists as a fantasy within your mind. You can use and deconstruct it to help you wake up. The fantasy is never as a good as the reality. probably the most overrated thing in the universe for men is sex with someone really hot. Yes its fun but its nowhere near as good as people make it out to be, it  gets boring real fast and you can grow out of it. I'd say I get more pleasure from sitting on a park bench reading a book now then I would having sex with a really attractive person unless I know them very well and we have a deep connection. 

Edited 8 hours ago by Globalcollective

[vinc3nc]

@meta_male makes sense.

@Globalcollective I like your reply.

I dont like chasing girls, trying to convince them to like me, or build attraction as they say. That's not me. I like the ones that show interest in me first, so I understand that limits me to a great degree.

[theleelajoker]

1 hour ago, vinc3nc said:

@meta_male makes sense.

@Globalcollective I like your reply.

I dont like chasing girls, trying to convince them to like me, or build attraction as they say. That's not me. I like the ones that show interest in me first, so I understand that limits me to a great degree.

Yeah I also like the replies above from the others. Also shows from how many angles you can see a situation like this.

I get it with the "showing interest in me first", I was like that as well when I was younger. It's also not "bad" itself, as long as you balance it and it fits your style. 

I have one friend he's VERY proactive re girls, talking, talking, softly touching, seeking proximity, sometimes the girls get annoyed as fuck. They roll their eyes, have defensive body language...and then 15 minutes they make out with him or something like that. It's HIS way of doing things, and with some women it works. With others it's a turn-off. With other's it's half-half haha

One other friend, very successful with women, he barely talks. He plays power games (he read 48 laws of power and he lives that attitude), he's a lot about appearance, 90% body language, even if he talks,  he's very smooth and subtle most of the time. Works A LOT with his eyes. And after a while he's very direct,  like "Ok let's go to my place". Quite often, it works. 

Finally I have an example from own experience that seems to be more your style. So I meet this Russian woman in a bar for a date, she's ice cold, super hot and she knows it. She checks me out like a tiger checks out his prey first moment we meet, super strong but skeptic eyes. I mention that and make a little joke about it.  Next 45, 60 min or so I just talk with her about life, calmly, just hold eye contact, keep distant body language, don't make much of a move. At some point she's like "So what? You're not doing anything? You're not tempted to kiss me, to touch me?" I don't remember, I think I just shrugged my shoulders or something. She's like "that's because you are a mediator, you are patient, you are controlled" (I told her about meditation before). It wasn't even a strategy by me, I just did what I felt like doing. End of story, she ends up on my lap, we make out openly in the bar, meet again another time etc. She couldn't handle me NOT making a move like most other guys that immediately hit on her. 

Bottom line: Everything is possible and every type of behavior has its niche 

 

Edited 5 hours ago by theleelajoker

[AION]

You had fun which is the most important. The real problem is your scarcity mindset. There are literally so many girls in the world. 

[Schizophonia]

Ahaha if that is the biggest fumble of your life you have a lot of chance for a human.

If you didn't try to go further, it's because you didn't want her, there's no failure at all.

 

[Peo]

Has happen to me many times, just let it go. Talk to several girls and dont repeat the same mistake again if you can. Thats how i do it. I just keep learning from my failiure and never give up.  There are legit eight billion of humans in this world, so you have many chances. 

[meta_male]

1 hour ago, theleelajoker said:

At some point she's like "So what? You're not doing anything? You're not tempted to kiss me, to touch me?"

I honestly hate this attitude.