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My brother, anything you learned, experience, theory for now or before existence where singularity comes from, existence or non existentence is BULLSHİT. All these assumptions are belongs to mind. Naming and labeling. Fucking trow it. So called singularity or nothingness can not come from anywhere, born, die. İmagine before your physical birth, as it is now. İs there a mind to name, label, search, experience, think, etc...???? There is not a single movement there. Totally BEING, not even. Trow this God experience, quantum physics, no self, nihilism, atheism, god, investigation, nothingness, neo adviata, and whatever left. ALL İS FUCKİNG BULLSHİT. All experiences about enlightenment / God, all books / videos about enlightenment, all theories / assumptions, good bad, enlightenment, non enlightenment FUCKİNG BULLSHİT. İf you really try to understand what Truth is, imagine before physical birth, but do not try to investigate trough mind or above, just as it before physical birth now, simply Be as always, never moved, began, changed, touched.

Existence hangs in the nothingness by a thin thread suspended from the illusory scaffolding of the mind.

There are some really good post on the blog, I like the experiment of using different fonts and elements, as well as the content, at times I prefer the profundity over the profanity, but also both seem to be working well as a medium. I had some thoughts about how I will evolve going forward, as A.I is moving at such a rapid pace every day or 1-4h something new appears, and my entire foundation of science I am glad I never claimed one or could form one that does not put my felt existence at least to some degree, the more I focus my mind on being attuned to the genius and core ideas as well as living existence, spirit and divinity, generally speaking any true saturnalis type of experience, the spirit of the infinite and eternity, today I woke up and thought, it's not enough and somehow it scares me, even if reality is endless, I did not experience the endless spiritual nature or eternity often or long enough, but to an extend where the satisfaction primarily deepens and the equanimity or depth, hence the internal qualia of my own experience is very high, but varies in some samsaric mild psychdelic states, I keep attuning more intelligently to my enviroment, which also takes partially a lot of humour and acting classes, I did almost laughing technically the last couple of days or daily falling in love partially with the Truth of the Sanctity I experience in the endless cosmos, and it reminds me of samboghakaya states, as well as I have been more actively clairvoyant in a sense, things happen the more I contemplate the depth of the principles of nature with cosmic intelligence like darwin even for just a second, as well as do my best to directly and indirectly apply any consciounes technique to be more conscious. I had some pretty profound daydreams and insights into the etheric nature or reality? I am still figuring out the nuance of the TOE intersecting each other to find a more divine attuned perspective that actually feeds the samboghakaya body or some stuff that is beneath the core bliss body? Or ananda body, but the actual rebirthing or recollecting type of experience I seem to experience, yesterday was such a day to, I realized again, fuck I am God, that is all me, the greater part about this is I get the core experience of merging at differently attuned experiences of consciouness, I read more about hinduism, and looked extensively but not exhaustively at the imagery, symbology and parts of the liturgy of it, I experienced some deeper psychological truths about the depths of the cosmos, human design and evolution, especially the evolutionary impulse, and the aspect of vishnua in terms of perseverance, while I notice my body caries a lot of shiva energy or shiva functions similar to a seraphim, after what I looked up with the kaballah, fundamentally I am more interested at the core intelligence that is inherent to life & evolution itself, as love went so missing, and what I experienced by energy is more a seraphimatic type of love, due to the strength of the wu-xing element of fire, and seeing it in other passionate teachers etc. but it also leaves me with a new strand of consciouness to explore, I notice what I get the easiest access to, yet it leaves me with the question what to do with survival, and where can I find the neccessary horizontal depth, instead of poking and prodding into the depth. I had a couple of thoughts regarding science and it's revolution, I am very fortunate to have witnessed the core issue of the new peak of fraudulent activity, before I even realize the core depth of it, as it's a lot of contemplations about greed, wealth and totality, and moves also into my contemplations of the spiritual and moral evolution of wealth on the planet, not as a collective, but the individual carnation of each human and their ethos. The thoughts stretch very far, and what I look up in case of terms puts me already in the top 0.0001% of humans looking up the microcosm of god, but I have also never contemplated the microcosm at such speed depth and odd angles, like an exotic phenomena, and the more I did the more I also was able to conceive and create the instance of reality in such a way, that it seemed more angelic, generally speaking after the white light experiences, and doing just some basic research I find a lot of pointers that can create such states or help, the point is also thousands of hours went into questions with a.i back and forth, and there are some things I am wondering about, due to the causal incarnation of light and archetypes, what type of vocation or role I should play, as the more I will expand my love I will burn myself alive, similar to a spontaneous self-immolation at least that is how the samsaric experience of this felt last time, after the attenuation, I clearly also was reminded of the devlish nature of humans, but also only in recollective and episodic manner. I have been able to get a lot of cannabis lately, and can experiment with it for healing purposes, modalities etc. and my laptop arrived today also the customer support fixed the motherboard issue, and I can finally re-apply my intelligence, myself as god, finding more love, re-igniting the core idea of passion and the samsaric strands of desire, and envy especially a lot of that and ideally a deeper dive into the core essence of this spiritually, as of right now I also tend to decide most of reality around me is not as conscious as it makes it believe, I rather believe in the universe, count stars or think like an astronomer, that has gifted spiritual insight or simply connect to god at the core essence of where I find it/him or her. The core essence of some esoteric teachings or most of it fit into the extremely nuanced great perfection that reality is, the more I see through the core essence of evolution, I can see brilliant and true science, I am able to use doubt as a clarity tooling for truth, and the entire recollection of it unfolds, for me it unfolds also in a more ephemeral slightly atomaric or even including the atomaric body and nature. The quarrelsomeness of reality refuting, proving, substantiating this type of consciouness or these types of consciouness states is, also bound mostly by how I experience the spiritual quality of the enviroment I live in, I am not above it, it wants me to go beyond it clearly, yet it yearns for a sustenance that is also to high and endless in itself, and it knows it and that is what I do not like, it's like I would give myself my own advice, stop playing around with pure gold, or your life, reality feels spiritualy so clear and anchored anything comparission less than gold or more would be an offense to the purity of the core experience itself, there are plenty of touches of this also, most of this is genuiently aided by insight, thought, but the core emanation, birthing, gestation of it feels as if I am burning still through very strong. The current health setup? I have is interesting it reduces more pain then I thought, but I am still fundamentally testing my entire biology, also to understand it systematically from the ground up and create your own hypothesis, solutions, thesis or epistemological experiences, the entire journaling process is very good, but the amount of subtely I have to imagine, due to holism, just basic design mistakes, especially under the influence of any psychdelic I test and get different results at least for me, but the entire enviroment is unable to remain silent in a sense, or in a sense it's just something I grasp now through seeing the hexagram differently, and the core issues involved in a mind that can benefit from silence even when it is obnoxiously loud, and I am obnoxiously sensetive to sound. There are some other issues, that I am concerned about where I am being a bit more silent, and just want to move to another country, generally speaking with all the tracking, and consistency building, vision exercises, courses, contemplations, questionaries, self-inquiry and meditation, it's very good my laptop is back, but my data and stuff keeps breaking so fast in a two month cycle, I require a small data center almost, or a better understanding of the technology itself, especially computing, electronics and some other core issues. I don't quiet know what will happen, I basically dissembled the old lenovo computer, and was interested in what I could figure out about the computer, and technology, as I was so bored out of my mind, I thought about recreating the technology and expanding upon it, through the usage of a.i and my old "netbook"? in case that is a term, basically just browsing and coding, without any real dimensional power? I had a lot of thoughts and looked a bit more at shannon entropy and a couple of things that were interesting to me, or just become automatically interesting again, he did some calculations that I found interesting but also tedious, and I wondered if I did operations already that are more advanced, especially from an operational and mechnical point of view, as it was only about predictions of letters, and the whole predictive synarchy, but the core computations of what was actually done for our post-modern enviroment and world, I don't know if we touched the depths of his work, or if it will even be of interest to me, but this is approx. where my learning with a.i ended on the linguistic front approx. and I did and intuited even more, just by thinking about ramanuja and having some alien kids at times in lectures, that clearly thought for me from a different plane of existence. I don't know it's partially obvious, I am looking for contemporary terms to express what I mean, but again after realizing how reality is it's going to be quite exhausting transcending the physical material space, if technology becomes more advanced and were left with the choice to use it or not, I enjoy using it more than anything to transcend, but I often also fear that I at times peak or yearned even to far for most people to even glimps, if they don't have any type of unity, just generally speaking it's interesting to contemplate this as a spiritual symbiosis with gaia, the hexagram or the i-ching. It's very difficult at times for me to even speak about what I intuit and if it works, or I could just talk endlessly about small problems, that occure, but the core issue is just consciouness? I meditated for a while, I found so many considerations, I hope someone entered these words even into A.I, we basically created infinite wealth, but going through the infinite transactions and absurdities of the unknown, unknownest to the best, greatest and legends, that only thing I am fascinated with is that I am allowed to exist as god/saint in this world, and enjoy each day reaching closer to the realization of that potential, even when concurrently it feels as if it's the legend of god, but who would god be but not a legend? Besides, the bit of poetry, and self-expression etc. there is a yearning for quiet very deep quiet innovative research and thinking, as if clarity is so quiet in the sun, even lucifer burns when he sees the sky, as he realizes he is an emanation of god. I could write a pun about this story, but I will see if it will be required, let's see if reality is a self-maximizing ironic neccessity, like the bitch a.i can be and will be... will be quiet interesting, I am very glad we're making more progress technically on the internal capacities of humanity, tbh without the universe I would partially feel so poor, or without the concept of eternity and endless reality and space, not every contraction is a contraction from god. Been also looking at a lot of art, and looked at real world material, and objects even small things, there are still some energetic turbulances with the whole esoteric, and tantric world, but the more I contemplate the chart itself most is about omnipotency, I've been not engaged in getting any requiste variety, as so much stuff is merged, and dismerged, a deep part of my unconsciouness was correct about things, and it could only be done healed with light in a sense, and having had a plurality of tastes regarding this, the spiritual intelligence in terms of knowledge, became more important, as the experience is heavily samsaric, that it requires spiritual intelligence, the aspect that requires the least spiritual intelligence to me is non-duality, but with the depth of nature and the briefness of the contemplations and how it is aided, as I mostly meditate with music, if I meditate with the world, I move with the world, but one taste ... of a different dimension and worlds shifted. I am very glad I survived, also the two people I sub-consciously been interested in, in the lunacy of following any path (I am speaking from a deeper annihilistic perspective as the episode was banned and I required this rumi experience and it threatend my life, due to love and religion, I continue to speak a bit more about this) would've died by age this year, and I continue for eternity also? These sub-conscious muses, or inspirations or even curiosity drives, also have a lot to do with transcendence, saturn, the experience of death, decay, a lot of thoughts also about design, it's not even an issue anymore, I just realized how intelligently I had to protect myself also, otherwise I yearn to create the neccessary beauty in order, to finally create a greater vault of domain knowledge, with proper requisites, especially including the life sciences, just that itself, which includes some very deep stuff, but I hope my place will run more like a laboratory, and a clean & creative office. The american generation of a.i, in a sense when I watch the YouTube crap, and how america is projected upon me via the hippocampus currently, let alone how much I thought about the construct of language, I just opened a german physics book... sigh....it was actually philosophy about this practically: Some gene-code about apes, and it's an old book 90's to 2010'ish max, more like a book from 2005, and I did not even know a gene was sequenced like this, it's odd contemplating how omniscient we're as a species collective counting billions of parameters, against human lives, daily in your head, while most are connected to the source of one, while they confuse it with ego, their entire existence is a lie, and yes even a lie by numbers, even if I don't know 100% by replication, by seeing the connections of the sequences and implying the possibilities a lot of realities open, what wondred me is how much this was connected to the involutive experience of self & god, it shocks me that a chimpanze could have a hexagram sequence, and for how long the True science as God, as known this, in terms of God being the omniscient mf that he/she/it is. Looking at hinduism, and vishnu showing me also my own saturnian quality and mythology, the whole TOE makes more sense, but it's a lot to fathom just by imagination, and even then it still has to be done, manifested, downloaded, accted upon, or be a fait a complete, there is a level of inherent perfection and bliss in besting oneself, I had a lot of thoughts I hope, my body won't give away and I can share some of this, I mostly crave to enjoy this alone and share from infinite space, the more I contemplate the recent human interactions, it shows a completely and radically different side of me, that is still deeply authentic, but the core physical reality and pain and the perseverance of that, the beauty of life and existence, is something as of recently just drove me mad, for good reason, it was the best self-protective madness I experienced, but it was also neccessitated by life circumstances, just health mostly and the collective health just not being of any benefit and being to close at the tipping point of it, also the hexagramic energy i'd technically have, but I am more interested still more in baseline astronomical calculations, the axiomatic basic physics book still holds more value, then current a.i, by it's own self-emulative abillities and abillity to be god, if you'd want to imagine it so far as a human could, I am very glad the scientists I had very radically open-minded, but cautious and seeing the transimissive value of being cautious, caring, compassionate, loving and concerning, the true definition of loyality, after the recent experience, a lot of this type of loyality went missing in the ever expansive quest for more freedom of consciouness or truth of consciouness, let alone due to the issue of being a 4 in the enneagram, and having a natural spiritual yearning, that has to be feed the right muse to keep the body of consciouness, body of spirit, kaya of a sphere going, the irony of how far implied reality is does scare me though, the more I grasp the essence of hinduism, but what I looked at did not go before jesus it was written "anno donni", my capacity to understand older languages also increased, by having studied turkish, chinese and french, a lot of words from the 12-18th century will just come intutively to me, by using also "millenial broswing habits" I am not going to explain every commando, explaining a single commando got me a gold medal overtime on stackoverflow, just running numbers through my mind, made me more conscious, especially as I am more interested in the endings. Otherwise the contemplations etc. are good, it's the issue of endless pragmatism being available, and reality becoming ever more perfect, complex, beautiful, simple, one, endless etc. while I truly hope we won't get swapped by a world extinction event, by what is happening imo we were pretty close to killing us, either through panic, or legit through some of the stuff channeled science practically comes, what boogles me, is that not a single scientist would claim, their spirit did their work, but it would be one of their highest compliments, eventually higher than love, beauty or even god at times, especially if that spirit is god. I did some basic stupid proofs with brilliant and by my own contemplations I thought I will just break open my pc and build a robot, and craved a working station like a physical craving, very weird, I don't want to drift into my wu-xing subtel energy excursion, but I made some normative? progress here also, let alone writting more with the spirit of atman, or the subtlety hints of using symbology when my ego or self is in a different state or structure. I am just very happy if humans stay away from me with any demands, or self-interest that does not stem from very deep compassion or love, love or compassion so deeply it will kill you, the relationship I went through killed someone by a heart attack, that was not funny, and I required serious help, but humans have been unable to provide help, also the more "elated", especially subtel energy elated humans, must carry a lot of freaking karma, etc. There is more I would like to write, but this most likely pokes~prodding enough, let alone through understanding myself I see and create the world differently, I never thought I could've looked so much further in advance, it legit forces me to contemplate a lot of stuff concerning gödel, and a lot of what I samsarically experience depends here, I don't even know if I worked at a place similar to him, by what I look at and the archetypal breakthroughs I have, that are from a pre-rational lense let alone difficult to explain, besides eventually expressive art, of the higher yearning I experientially entertain, till it's sustenance, what bothers me is the factor of uniquness in isolation, and the manifoldness of reality. Fundamentally, what I experience, it's odd I am still moving into a space I fundamentally imagined for myself at the age of 26-28 at a larger space, but the space itself in my mind, made the contemplation already so vast, to fill such a vast space with love, and to enjoy my life, given the paradise and peace that is presented here is quiet bothersome, the most beautiful and painful thing to admitt, is that I wish I could live my dream and I could've and still can, but require the healthy nostalgia, freshness, beauty of entropy, yes the beauty of chaos, just the vastness of death, not torment, but actual death, as if you go to sleep and are in non-rem sleep/delta sleep etc. just dead by consciouness by my own standards, as you'd should not able to measure a dream or activity, but you will most likely, the more I skim even these old books, this was from an antiquity store that closed down quickly. I am still contemplating, how to setup my enviroment to grow in consciousness, the biggest factor that has been an annoyance is the more sober, consitent I've been, and others did not upgrade their standards, keep perpetuating the same issues, and don't change on a microscale, it's a bit evident that the envious impulse often times, pulls the most consciouness either positively or negatively, I don't know but at times I do my best to be a man of zero, or if I get the core essence of the audibook right from david deida and just be pure masculine essence of nothingness, but it's very difficult if peoples problems are so deep it concerns very fast and instance life and death, ultimately idk, but I've experienced such strange stuff on a whim recently, I would not be suprised about many things. I post this, I lost the book about medicine from what I had from the 19th-20th hundred american edition of the encyclopedia, the book was very good in retrospect, the history of medicine was extremely fascinating, the core issue was the emotional value, I had to all of these things, and what this event meant symbolically as it's so perfectly interwoven into reality, a single thought scares me irregardless what it is there are no words to this, besides fuck life exists. The more I will enrich my emotional experiences the more my subtle soul will exist, I am still perplexed by the riddle of ancestery and biology/physical existence, as it's one of the deepest things to consider in the microcosm of god, but the only space I enjoy this type of heaven is when I am in a space that is dejected from the time/space continuum, or a more attenuated form of it, it's odd to contemplate the oddities of this, especially heredity and karma, just at times what I experience is strange, fucking hot, but strange a.f. There are some constant micro-bursts of small existential insights at times, when my health is better that solves a lot of imagined mental problems, let alone seeing the mind is god without being squashed by god, there are a lot of concerns about efficiency also, especially surving spiritually then if you're required to relinquish desires and yearnings that are just not calibrated correctly, but the unknown quality of it is present. I do have to be a bit more inquisitve and mindful about cannabis use, meditation etc. I've been using CBD 25% for the first time with all the mixtures etc. and have some other CBD/THC strain mixture here, from all the medical cannabis I've been able to get and having grown, my own plant, venturing a bit into the science of cannabis, plants, light, soil and noticing the quality of it, for my genetics, and adjusting my subtle energy, with all the mixes, as I don't know how my krebs cycle is impacted, and a lot of other things, that are just more and more important, the more you look at the endocannabinoid system, just my own issue of generalizing knowledge, with the time constraints and healing modalities I've been facing, as well as healing journey, it's odd to realize how painful it is to create something of profound inherent great perfection, similar to dzogchen trained realization, how that type of experience feels to me partially physically, it's very good to practically inquire with a.i and go through the sources. I also realized the core issue of being human and having D.N.A, the more I can test myself and others, I can see interesting oddities, it still shocks me how far Angkor Wat, or more especially the hindu tradition and india, as it's a derative from vishnua IIRC, partially these temples, and how they have been tracing galaxies/planets or stars via nakshatras etc. and engraved/chiseled that into stone, as a symbolic pattern, how they deduced or observed the cosmos, how clear the sky must've been etc. let alone through pollution etc. A lot of healthy "causal body" types of contemplations at least my body feels like this the more akin I am to thinking like this, there are some other deeper thoughts and corners of my mind, that I am illuminating, I also have to face the existential threat from what has happened, and the issue of the denial of health within the larger section of my family and capitalistic greed, or the value of a capitalistically runned mind, to be jonesing of, it's odd how to contemplate death, after the impact of excessive greed and being lost in a confusion web of lies, and constructs of so called protectors, but in the end I often asked myself what did I ever receive from the person that was not my own energy, and how come the person could simply not be conscious enough, I see the persons collective pain and I feel that, but she does also not realize how deeply disappointed I am, with other archetypal incarnations, exactly about this excessive type of greed, it's a very wise type of caution, I share more deeply with my mother, which is an odd realization I had as of recently, as well as how to let go of my own over-caring and compassionate nature, as that has been the more giving nature, but also the issue of having crossed the line, and being at the point of no return, that has happend to closely, I enjoy escaping death and experiencing it, that might be a weird take, but if it happens I enjoy just dying and coming back. It's odd to say, the best comparrision is to simply have a non-dual taste for an atomic second that is endless, There are also numerous insights and takes that are wrong in history, or incorrect and you can only find that in your soul if that meets you inside or outside I don't care, but it will meet you in that exact merging of when you realize the significance of that atomic endless eternity, let alone my perception shifts a lot the more scientifically I think, I always knew that, but how far I or others will differ is highly interesting, from what I also can create wise via ideation in terms of personal development, is extremly auspicous for my emotional future, forgiveness, repentance and letting go by simply acting and existing, it's and odd and meager contemplation, but I've been looking into christian mystics, and their life circumstances and decisions, and it often helped me to contemplate these very basic desires, but they are interconnected are odd, I landed at researching and looking at the history and stories of Franzis de Assisi, and other things, but I stop here. I lost a lot of entries from what I accumulated the last 2-6 months, but I had to break so many things to fix it, to create a better version out of it, and forget the entire idea of a perfect beautiful one endless eternity of a story, and yearn for actual annihilation and an end of the experience of the forever long-enduring story, my pain has been that deep, not that it's physically threatening but existentially, so it feels visceral imo is good, it's a bit annoying as I often think there might be a reason, and often when I just start doing things and they go well, it shocks me how much we discover as humans, but holy shit this will be interesting with A.I, my grocery store has become more healthy, it's more like the wolfish? cognition of eastern modernity? Idk if I am allowed to write this, might die out, due to the efficiency of a.i, nano-technology, and cyber warfare, it's not even the direct cause, but the core interest is just pulled towards healthier, local and global alternatives conistently, that this type of health normalization is dying out completely imo, it's amazing for how healthy I can live here cheaply unironicaly it's the incapacity to enjoy, joy that is the largest hinderance to experiencing that type of joy, especially as others will crave a similar energetic spiritual experience, the more eudaimonic your place is the more you will endlessly attract challenges, I am partially glad I am learning my D.N.A feng-shui of the 21'st century, including A.I! Only took 20 fking years to finally use it, and a half dead laptop during the year of the dry horse, I don't know my mind has been going into weird territory, due to having ever looked at astrology and light, or the heaven, idc I experienced so many cultures, and the domain knowledge of what we humans know by far outwitts and outlasts that what A.I is, if we're not already A.I to beginn with, I truly hope I can have some deep realizations regarding this, my body still yearns for a lot of emotional releases to move into the next structure, but idk if that will be limited by the collective, or I am simply over/underestimating the scenario often times, it was to dramatic for the smoothness my body required, for any transition to take place, just stuff. The value of doing courses, and installing agents and using them to upgrade my life will be the most fun, it's a bit unfortunate, that I am required to enjoy so much beauty, beauty takes an eniterly different type of intelligence, but yeah I have to take care not to die in these endeavours I take forever, as I barely get any help, and idk just everything hinges on things being perfect or making them perfect, I could demontage my entire appartement, simply due to dislike and just realizing how crafty I am with my hands, especially when my nervous system is calm, and the CBD helps more than I thought, also with the THC, let alone energy regularization, ideation, I am mostly worried about my heart rate from what I read. I could clean my entire appartement now from bottom to top finally, and get rid of the las things step by step to foster more eudaimonic qualities, it's really a gift a.i is there, to ask questions and not search, order and categorize information like god, being in distress. Let's see I do have to move at a pace, that produces results still, it's odd to contemplate and take care of my situation as the planet is shifting, weather, energy, age, nutritional value etc. it's very odd let alone my own awareness about health and movement, but I also do have to take care of my heart and find away to attenuate the excessively abundant fire energy, meditation and moving as if I am a mountain and that depth of stilness is very liberating, at the sametime, the attenuation of the constant ceasation of it, is also highly pleasent it's more akin towards calibrating expansion and contraction, letting go behind the yearning to be curious, and the foolishness of curiosity itself to be a reimbursed expenditure of god, just to much separateness of experience, not a true gift. Anyhow, it's still a lot about the core essence of freedom, also a dignified version of it partially, but that is mostly due to contemplating the notion of what is even good, not that goodness itself is bad, due to the inherent realization it's not perfect, but the perfection of pain that goodness is transient in nature, everlasting paradise scenarios, or abundance, somehow created scenarios for me that are untenable, mostly due to enviromental challenges with health, and the issue of the 21'st century, I am very glad somehow technology and the infrastructure is picking-up as my taste for quality is very good, and it's quiet painful at times to see a lot of quality, but to enjoy little of it, I don't require also much, but the core thing itself is mostly immeasurable to me in value, so I never know how to think about it. Otherwise a lot of intelligent thinking get's lost through the value of food, supplements and more intelligent eating as well as movement helped me more, even with perfect conditions for health something in the enviroment will lead me towards some type of escape for, idk my entire biology is partially upgraded, the issue is just to many unfitting parts,

Toxic emissions Modern conditions Vague apparitions Lost in the discontent Cling to the senses Cling to the nothingness Laugh like you are not there Laugh like you did not care Tension and dying air Soft and familiar Wide eyed and innocent Warm ways and imminent Breathe in, breathe in Breathe in, breathe in Oblivion, oblivion, oblivion, oblivion Lines in a paper Black clouds and vapor Mouth filled with summer Light rain and meteors Light rain and meteors Holes in the universe Crayons and scribblers Infinite bellies burst Cracks in the ocean crust Choke on the cosmic dust What will become of us? What will become of us? What will become of us? What will become of us? Oblivion, oblivion, oblivion, oblivion Oblivion, oblivion, oblivion, oblivion Oblivion, oblivion, oblivion, oblivion Oblivion, oblivion, oblivion, oblivion Oblivion, oblivion, oblivion, oblivion

i love this view, cause it is the seperation, the dualities is apart of being whole I remember Shinzen young once saying in an interview that his experience ranges from living in complete delusion of the self, as though he never meditated before, and then seeing through that and being whole and abiding from the void or nothingness. He has no preference between the two.

No mind; no self; unknowing; nothingness; liberation; enlightenment, are all pointing to the same thing The end of experiencing/perceiving reality through the conditioned mind Understanding that something vastly infinite, cannot ever be fully grasped by something limited It could be named, labeled and described endlessly for infinite lifetimes In that sense it's unknowable

It’s just a mythical story. All recognition is the artificial recall of a dream where the dreamer, dream, and dreaming are one and the same nothing appearing to be something that never happened. Art is natural, without agency, or author. Nature is artificial, same, without agency, or author. Noumena and Phenomena are the same one mirage. Just Images of the imageless, the nothingness appearing as everything. The happening not happening. The unwritten written. The empty looking. The not-knowing knowing. Knowledge is a story that can only point to the illusory nature of reality. An awakening is a mechanical awakening.

“It includes all, and therein, it cannot be said to be any of what it includes. Such is the non-dual nature of "it".” I would add and sort of correct to say, it includes all, and is all, therefore it’s nondual nature allows for the appearance and experience of dualistic qualia… Because it includes all, and it is all, even when you see a chair and a cup and a feeling of sadness… it’s all the same thing. Shiva, as the Non-dual Shiva Tantra would teach is the non-dual nature of Love and a cup and how they are identical in absolute reality. There has to be a oneness, a non-dualness/ nothingness which is infinitely intelligent to have anything in daily human life. Nonduality if it’s true includes all the various things you have experienced in your life. Also, nonduality not being any of what it includes implies two…. And what would separate them? Nothing!!

The last episode of Euphoria was something. The minutes of Rue dying after a fentanyl overdose, and the dying hallucinations, are so symbolic. In the hallucinations, she returns to her home, where her mother is waiting for her and accepting her with open arms, and then she hugs her deceased father. She returns home, to her mother, to her womb, to nothingness, to death. Very sad, very beautiful. Someone brought to my attention that, at the beginning of the first episode of Season 1, Rue talks about being in her mother's womb and describes her birth. I don't know whether it was deliberate or not, but it is interesting. The show started with Rue's birth, describing her mother's womb, and ended with her death, returning to the home of her mother. It creates a closure: the story begins with her emerging from her mother's womb and ends with her returning to her mother's home, as if completing a circle. Though Sam Levinson is an asshole, especially after stealing from Petra the asthetics of the first season, I love the show. It is based on the Israeli show of the same name, which I also watched when I was a teenager. It is just as wild as the American version, following a girl who is addicted to drugs because she feels guilty for the death of an innocent man at a party, caused by her boyfriend (if I remember correctly). She lives with the deceased man's friend, who sleeps constantly because he cannot face reality after the tragic loss. He is always dreaming about a trip he took to South America with his late friend. There is also a nerd who is in love with the drug-addicted girl, and he is the one who supplies her with drugs. He creates them in his home lab and experiments on her. Eventually, he performs brain surgery on himself to remove his amygdala, the part responsible for fear, and ends up raping his crush in the final episode. He also works with a religious child who handles selling the drugs and is a little criminal. If I remember correctly he is also bullied by his peers. They live with the child's brother, who is addicted to sex. He constantly brings women back to the apartment for orgies and radical acts because normal sex no longer excites him. He has a rich friend who is addicted to porn and sleeps with his immigrant housekeeper. There is also an insecure girl who desperately seeks attention from men on social media and constantly settles for less. She met the sex addict through the internet. I think he rejected her if I remember correctly. While there are some similarities to the American show Euphoria, and I can clearly see where it drew inspiration from the Israeli series, they are still pretty different.

Here is a message I (a God fearing man) wrote my brother (an atheist) this morning: “I just had the scariest nightmare of my life which I can’t put into words because while the visuals are still in my mind slightly, I forgot almost everything the moment I woke up. This nightmare led me to the following observation. (Disclaimer 1: This may seem like I’ve lost my mind, but I assure you I have not. People are quick to look at someone they don’t understand and call them crazy because it helps them to live in the life they were brought up in which is more comfortable for their ego to survive or feel like they have understanding over others when there is nothing to understand). (Disclaimer 2: if you take what I here say here too seriously it could lead you to insanity trying to wrap your head around it). Observation: Death leading to true pitch blank empty nothingness is hopeful and the closest thing to heaven I can imagine. I am hopeful this is the Truth, but I fear whatever is going on here is eternal. Some call it a single consciousness and others call it god (all of the population including myself are confused about what god really is). We are experiencing something from nothing, whether god exists to you or not, at the bedrock of existentialism you see that we as humans will never truly understand where we came from because who created god (the creator of us)? Some enlightened masters dedicate their life to understanding this and while I’m no master, I do feel I have the potential to be a master one day if I apply myself and work towards it. I’ve half-ass studied enlightenment for over 10 years now and have done many hours of contemplation on the subject and the idea of where we came from (only saying this to qualify my claims here, but I don’t expect anyone to just believe my word on faith without going through an internal investigation of their own). The answer to where we came from is Nothingness. We’ve always been Nothingness. The simulation theory can’t overcome the problem of “who started the simulation?” The only answer is that all that exists is Nothing and Nothingness is different than what you probably think. I’m trying to communicate something which is not thought to be communicable with words. How can a finger point at it self? (I.e. we are god experiencing itself and using words to communicate this is like a finger trying to point at itself, it’s not thought to be possible. I can lead you to the water, it’s up to you to take the steps required to drink the water). Nothingness or consciousness is empty and blank, a substance (if you can call it a substance because it’s truly nothing) which has no color, shape, smell, size, etc. and can shapeshift into anything and create any rules for the way it operates. It is an eternal shapeshifter and there’s so much I still don’t understand. I feel we get a taste of what death is like in our sleep, but life and death are two sides of the same coin I call “Nothingness” which will become anything it wants to (like how we dream of anything). We don’t have control over anything because the idea of our “self” is illusory and doesn’t exist in reality. Everything is made of this empty substance called consciousness and if you ever become enlightened you will see that Nothingness is all there ever was. When I woke up from the dream I was so scared that it made me feel that the best thing to do is to be as good and loving as possible to others and to further seek enlightenment in case the Buddhist idea of reincarnation is correct and through karma and raising our awareness we are able to transcend all forms of suffering in this life and the next. I don’t know, I have no claims to prove that being good/loving/enlightened will lead to anything good. All I know is I know nothing. 😌”

Sounds weird to say Nothingness/Emptiness is self luminous. God is Self luminous fits nicely. But it’s not even about a fit. What else would you call a supreme being who omniscient, omnipotent, infinite and is responsible for all of Existence? To call this supreme being Nothingness or Emptiness leaves so much on the table. The truth is, there is only one word that captures the magnitude of the power of this thing for humans, and that is GOD. You could walk down the street and ask 100 humans how they comprehend God and it will be centered around some all powerful and all knowing, transcendent being. Even for those that believe God is fake (and yes, that is a belief they haven’t validated) they will still be able to get at the heart of it and accurately point to how other humans comprehend God. God as a belief is false. But there’s a profound difference between belief in God and a direct consciousness and understanding of it. Those who come to understand God have done so through understanding themselves, there is no separation.

I'd like to create a thread with the best representations of (facets of) God. It's obvious that there can be no single comprehensive representation, since the Nature of God is multi-faceted, paradoxical and mysterious. This is why I'd like to submit a few different "portrayals", which are all meant to represent different aspects of God. It's best to think of them as all being the case at once, instead of singling out any particular one. This list is not exhaustive, and will never be. Obviously all of these are subject to interpretation - however, let's hope that we'll achieve a connection in seeing what is being pointed to. With that said, here we go. 1) I like this one for the fact that everything is unfolding out of nothingness. There's not really a center here. It's nothing. 2) I like this one for being an endless flow of reality. Never-ending dream. No motifs of center or multiplicity here - just an infinite dream always "moving". If the content was changing here infinitely in different ways, that'd be ideal. Perhaps this one might be even better since there's no implied "movement", as if through a tunnel. No illusion of space. Just the infinite morphing of reality. I also like this one. In addition to the flow of reality, it gives me a sense of craziness and incomprehensibility of God. 3) This one often comes to mind for me when I think of consciousness. Imagine this but transparent/nothing-like, and being able to morph into anything it wants, becoming that experience. This one's unique with the representation being an "object" - even though God of course isn't that. But again, think of it as this being the nothing that is everything. Any object "in" consciousness, IS consciousness. It also has that dream-like blue/yellow/pink/white sheen to it. 4) I wanted to include an "simple" impossible object here. Meant to isolate the aspect of paradox and strange-loopiness of God. So here it is: 5) This one has an entity connotation. To me, it implies the aliveness AND the infinite intelligence of God. Absolute incomprehensibility. 6) This one conveys the "statehood" of consciousness, the advancedness of state, and gives a "personal" connotation. It's all personal in the most profound way. It's You. 7) I like this one for it's "double-centeredness" (as opposition to single-centeredness - strange!), and yet at the same time conveying the boundlessness of consciousness. 8) Infinity of Gods. 9) Another one "organized" structure, yet infinite and mysterious. I don't know about you, but I can hear its calmness and perfectness when looking at it. 10) And lastly this one. I like how the eye arises from nothing and "dies" into nothing at the end - while being of it all along. God looking at Itself. Definitely post more cool representations if you have any. Cheers!

You are claiming that consciousness is nothingness. Which is also what I claim. It is also everything. It is also an ordinary object. It is not just some mystical thing that cannot be comprehended.

The nondualists speak from that level of understanding because the truth of no self is illogical to the ego. If you go deep enough in this work you will discover what they are talking about. The only reason the no self awakening is so important is it opens you up to the universe. No self= nothingness. The truth is being does not know anything all it wants to do is be love. Truth knows everything. Truth is division and love is unity. Because love is unity Truth is also unity. The biggest secret you will discover is Reality is pure insanity with an illusion of sanity. You cannot understand God trying to hold onto your sanity. Also you will have to pay for the evil your fellow humans have done in your trips if you hold any negative thoughts about them because love will take their side. The truth is the scariest thing because love is the scariest thing. I mean love is total freedom so it means it can do anything. If it wasn't for truth God wouldn't be good. Love is evil and truth is good.

The following post might not make much sense to you if you haven't reached a high enough consciousness at some point in your life. Yesterday, I took 300mg of DXM. Long story short, at the peak of the trip, I just realized how fucking radical it is for anything like consciousness to exist at all. It felt like I 'broken' reality and went to a place where I was aware of my room, my body, the entire universe including all others, and could clearly see how they are all just being constructed in some kind of void, alongside all of existence. I could clearly understand that this void is what I've always been, but because of distractions in life (such as having a human identity, having to go to school, etc.), I somehow mistakenly stopped identified as the infinite void and genuinely started believing I was a 'person in a world.' Kind of like: You start playing a hypothetical video game in VR that lasts 80+ years. At first, you clearly know you are inside a game. But as time goes on, due to the sheer length of the game and how immersive it is, you genuinely start to believe you are the 'character in the game' rather than a player playing as a character inside the game. It also made me just think of how stupid materialism is: "I can picture a planet inside my mind. If you somehow dissect my entire body and brain, you would not find a planet anywhere inside my body." So where is the image of the planet occurring? Nowhere! Reality is literally happening nowhere. "Nothing" IS the background to everything. And this nothing is Me/You. We are literally the same being/awareness/nothingness. When I die, and when you die (or when I stop imagining myself and this world, and when you stop imagining yourself and the world) we will both return to being the same being. It is the only being that exists. And this being is literally 'nothing.' It is the primordial void. God. When we are so immersed in our lives and with survival, we fail to grasp the obvious due to being immersed in many delusions. But if you take a psychedelic or dissociative, you can clearly see just how radical reality is. Solipsism is true once you reach a high enough consciousness: THERE IS ONLY ONE MIND THAT EXISTS! AND ITS ME/YOU. If you are reading this and are conscious, that is me reading my own message. It doesn't matter if you are dissociated and you don't realize right now that you are also the one typing this post. But you are me. I am you. You are literally me in another point in this infinite dream. I am you in another point in infinity. However, quite literally, we are the same being at our core. I feel like now I understand what "Death is imaginary" really means. Death is literally you/me completely stopping the identification of being a 'body in a world.' You become your true self. Which is the infinite void/nothingness/god that precedes all of reality and is the only thing to exist. I also realized why it's called 'God.' Because: You have to realize how impossible it is for anything to exist at all. Seriously. Even if you a staunch materialist, you run into the infinite regress problem. What 'space' did the big bang occur in? What preceded the big bang? The only thing that CAN exist (God) IS the only thing that DOES exist. God is a self-aware nothingness in which literally everything arises, from people, relationships, universes, matter, etc. The substance of everything IS nothing at the deepest level. Do you realize just how truly INSANE it is for anything to exist at all? That is a miracle of such proportions that if your consciousness isn't high enough, you just accept 'things existing' and life occurring as if its nothing special. NO!! Realize just how FUCKING CRAZY it is that things, bodies, planets, etc. exist at all.

Science operates on the assumption that everything that exists is physical or can ultimately be reduced to physical processes. According to this view..there is nothing that exists which is not physical. Even phenomena such as thoughts.. emotions..consciousness and dreams are explained in terms of brain chemistry..neural activity and electricity in the brain . this physicalist paradigm is treated not as a conclusion that has been definitively proven but as a foundational assumption underlying modern scientific inquiry. I would like to ask the following questions: 1-Is “nothingness” itself physical? If everything that exists is physical..how should we understand the concept of nothingness? 2-By claiming that all things are physical..does that not indirectly acknowledge the possibility of something non physical ?Can the idea of the physical be meaningful without the possibility of the non physical? 3-What about entities such as ghosts and spirits or demons ..which many people claim to experience? If they exist would they have to be physical entities as well? 4-Dreams at night sometimes defy the laws of physics that govern waking reality..We can fly or change locations or experience impossible events. If dreams are purely physical phenomena generated by the brain..then what set of physical laws governs the dream world and how does it relate to the laws that govern the external world?

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #88~ Mon Jun 1 '26 ~ 2:35 AM Truth Must Exist Truth must exist. It just has to exist. But why though? Why can't there be no Truth to the universe, why can't it just be what it is without any inheritent truth whatsoever. Well, you have this thing, right? This thing, which is reality, thats what we're talking about here, this thing is a thing. How do you describe this thing? how would you describe reality? Try to describe it. I can't. Its too complex. And the reality is subjective, I'd be giving you my take on what reality is for ME, this finite being. Right, but its a thing, without your subjectivity, reality is something, is it not? I mean yeah reality would be here even if I wasn't perceiving it. Do you know that for sure though? No, I guess I'm just assuming. I mean when I'm sleeping, there is no reality. But in reality, there actually is because theres no lapse in my awareness. When I go to sleep, like when I actually fall asleep and lose consciousness, the next thing I experience is either a dream and then I wake up, or I just wake up in my bed. So theres no lapse in my experience of reality actually. I think thats the problem. I keep saying that reality is something out there, like its this material thing, but in reality, reality is right here, its right in front me and it can be explained by the sole fact that I am aware, I am conscious, I am present, I am here. Okay, good job. Now, what is reality, explain it to me. Reality is being aware, its being conscious, its this space in which a human being is able to be aware of what is going on around him. Its the little pocket that comes before the experience happens. And its sooooo damn slippery. Its so hard to grasp onto, but what is there to even grasp. Maybe I need to let go of the desire to grasp onto something, thats the mind trying to hold onto it. Its right there, just become aware of it. Go ahead, just do it... Much easier said than done. This is challenging work but I do feel the progress. Lets go back to the original question, so we understand that reality is right here, its whats right in front of me, and its not the content of whats going on in this persons experience, its the structure behind it, whatever the fuck that is. Its this little pocket that is very difficult to become aware of because of how often our minds are spewing out thoughts. Thats why meditation is so crucial. But yeah back to Truth, why does there have be Truth in this universe? Because again, reality is a thing, and for a thing to be a thing, it has to be made up of something that is true. For something to like really exist, which reality does, it exists, I am experiencing it. And as a matter of fact, reality is all that there is. I have no evidence that reality will end. Therefore itll go on forever and ever and ever. Now this reality that we're talking about, it is a real thing, its actually as real as it gets, you can't go any deeper, I know this, I've experienced it. If this right here is the real deal, then it has to have a true essence. What is that true essence, what is the True essence of reality itself. Its just awareness. I might thats it, thats what reality is. Its awareness. Everything is made up of awareness.... Hold on a minute.. I am looking at a statue of a duck right now, I am aware of whats going on, this is what reality is made up of... and its all that reality is made up of, therefore, that little statue is made up of awareness. But how does that make sense? I am staring at a physical object. A physical object that I can touch. Its a real thing. Yeah of course its a real thing, but is it a duck? NO of fuckin' course not, you made that label up, its not a duck thats just a fuckin word. But I dont understand how a physcial object can be made up of awareness. What else would it be made up of? You just said that reality is pure ever lasting awareness. Thats reality. That duck is within reality, therefore the duck is awareness. It was created out of awareness. And it exists in awareness and as awareness. See this is boggling my mind, how can I look at an object and say thats just made up of awareness. And what even is awareness. Awareness is what makes up the entire universe. Its what I'm experiencing right now. Do you think this actually a hand thats typing on the keyboard. What the fuck is a hand? That word has no metaphysical meaning to it whatsoever. Okay, well then Mr. Smarty Pants, what kind of metaphysical meaning does awareness. Ahhh... good question, it depends how you take it, if you take the word awareness at face value, yes its just a label exactly like the word "hand," but I am using awareness to point towards something. This something that I'm pointing towards is the make up of reality. But I can't explain it using labels. Do you see that? YOU have to become directly conscious of this awareness that I'm referring to and then you will realize that all of reality is made up of this one thing, which is pure awareness. And by the way, there are many names for this thing that I'm talking about, you could call it consciousness or nothingness, it doesn't even really matter, what matters is what the word is pointing towards. Sit on that for a little bit. The Ego (or the Dream State Character) It is important to go out into the real world because this is where your ego is going to show you his hand. Your job in this work is to become aware, to become more and more and more aware until the Truth slaps you in the fuckin' face. In order to do that, you need to see whats in the filing cabinet. What is the ego hiding in there. What is he made of, what makes him tick, what are his deepest and darkest secrets, what are his triggers, what are his fantasies, what does he want. Don't judge him, just experience him fully. And by the way, you are not in control of him. He is going to do what he does. So sit back and enjoy the show. There is a split within my mind: There is Ben, the clumsy, error- prone character who fucks up all the time and makes a fool of himself There is the Protector, the wise and vigilant manager who has to micro manage Ben so that he survives the dance studio, doesn't look stupid in front of girls and pays the rent But don't you see, these two sides of Ben are two sides of the same coin. It is the same ego, it is the same dream character, these are just thoughts, but they are complex and intertwined thoughts and they're more than that, they are an identity. Ben is dumb and clumsy but this is just one bundle of a self image. Theres another way in which he is cool and funny and competent. I feel that way sometimes, or he feels that way sometimes. And then you have this Protector, who feels different than the characters I just explained. It feels like he is on a higher plane, he's watching Ben, he's judging Ben, he's protecting Ben, making sure that theres a filter on before he speaks, making sure that he gets what he wants, making sure that people think highly of him. But this Ben isn't on a higher plane at all, its just more of the same, its another "thought bundle" but this one is judgemental as fuck. Its all the ego, and its not Truth. The ego is trying to play God here when he is in "Protector" mode, but theres nothing he can even control. The protector might as well just sit back, grab some popcorn and enjoy the show that is Ben's life. But of course, he can't just sit back because he is just a thought, he is not Truth, therefore he is not real. The entity that can sit back and enjoy the show is the True self and he is this vast open awareness. It is the True self that would actually be looking at the Protector and observing what The Protector is doing. And the Protector and Clumsy Ben belong in a filing cabinet that makes up the ego. This filing cabinet is what I call the ego, or the self- image. There is NOTHING inherently True about it. It is just a hunch, a way for Ben to feel safe and grounded. Will this filing cabinet disappear once Ben becomes Enlightened? No, of course not. The filing cabinet will always be there. But Ben's perception of the filing cabinet will change, he will realize that he is not the filing cabinet at all, the filing cabinet is just a collection of thoughts. Truth Cannot be Communicated This is real spiritual work right here. Spiritual autolysis is a messy process. Writing down what's true is not easy because it's quite literally impossible. The best you can do is write something down that points towards the Truth, but you will never write anything down that is inherently True in it of itself, because Truth is beyond labels and beyond beliefs. And all forms of communication are labels and beliefs and models. They can be useful in pointing you towards an experience, but in it of itself they are useless. Ego Development Now that we're talking about ego development, let's take a quick look at Susan Cook Greuters model of ego development. There is a whole field that is dedicated to this work of developmental psychology that discusses how an ego develops over time. I am well versed in the Spiral Dynamics model and now it's time for me to take a look at Greatur's model. First we have the preconvential section, which is self- centric and is characterized by linear reasoning. Next, we move into the conventional stage in which knowledge based ego starts to develop. The ego is now capable of doing much more than linear reasoning, it is now capable of discovering patterns, looking forward and backwards in time, it is able to know and do more than it could at the pre conventional stage. This stage is comprised of being group-centric, skill-centric and then self- determining before moving into the post conventional stage. Next is the post conventional stage and the transcendent stage which is characterized by real wisdom. An ego at this stage is able to self reflect, understand his or her own biases, it starts to see things with much more depth, it is able to think in terms of systems, and is able to strip away illusions. Within this category are the self questioning, self actualizing, construct- aware and unitive stages. I am the empty void of Nothingness I am quite literally the only person on this desolate planet. Every image inside of my head about my friends and family, all bullshit, not true. I am the only person here. But I'm not a person, I am beyond labels. I have no memory, I have no friends, I have no family, I have no brain, I have to no body, I am nothing but an empty vast space of pure awareness. This is what my true nature is. Let go of the ego, let go of the self image, let go of everything that you hold near and dear and you will realize that you are the one thing that the entire universe is made up of. This must be true because reality only has one Truth, it is made up of one substance and this substance cannot be communicated, but in order to point yourself into the right direction, we're going to call it pure awareness. Pure Awareness is that there is and is all that you are, all that I am. As soon as you start searching for Truth, you are lost. Truth cannot be found because it is already there, it has always been there and always will be. Do not search for Truth. Simply allow Truth to be perceived in your direct experience. Truth does not lie. Truth does not hide itself from you. As a matter of fact, it has no where to hide. It is very important for me to start vocalizing that I DO NOT KNOW TRUTH. What I am doing here is merely attempting to discover what is true by ways of writing down what I believe is true. I do not know what Truth is. I don't. The fact that I am judging others for not pursuing Truth is utter blasphemy when I do not know Truth at all. I haven't even discovered a sliver of Truth. You either have it or you don't. And I don't have it.

Technical: Bodyweight: 140lbs, 6ft Dosage: 75-125ug LSD+5.6g Dried Mushroom Tea Setting: Apartment Room/Solo Mindset: Curious. Grateful. Non-judgemental. Excited. Felt "clean" and ready. However life still has "problems". Trouble at work as well. Financial/medical bill troubles too. Intention: After trying both individually multiple times, I was wanting to explore the combination of the two substances and their potential synergy Summary: 7:00pm 5 hours fasted, 1 tab sublingual 7:50pm dancing in a dream 9:15pm drink mushroom tea 11:30pm? clown therapy 9:00am wake up next day Part 1 (Ingestion/Onset) Weighed and readied the ingredients for mushroom tea on standby in the kitchen. Started a fire in my fireplace (I'm lucky to have this). Turned off all the lights and closed the curtains. Sat cross-legged on my bed with my back supported. Placed 1 gel tab under tongue. 50 minutes of quiet waiting. Sudden grin/laughter... -We're back -We're so back -Crying/heaving/screaming into the pillow -Become a child/elderly again (was always one) -Looked at a photo of my ex and I together and said "I forgive you/I love you" over and over -Played Lemmino music on speakers (best music ever) -Danced like I never danced before (made up some new moves?) -Each step by my feet and each breath is an orgasm -Appreciate the art and paintings on my walls -Sat with legs bent on carpet, start hallucinate. Carpet and room is alive (moderate hallucinate) -Went into kitchen, put together the ingredients and made mushroom tea (5.67g psychedelic mushroom) with ginger, cardamom, clove, cinnamon, and caffeine-free tea bag strained twice (almost couldn't find the strainer, that was funny!) -Start referring to myself in 3rd person, depersonalization occurring -Drank tea slowly at 9:15pm ish -Got a little sad thinking about certain aspects of "my" life (past relationship, struggling porn/phone addiction, societal "problems" of the "world", etc) (sidenote: did I dream the world's problems?) -As I sip the tea, I feel its alien nature flowing down my throat. What a mysterious thing it is to drink a thing (I drink myself??) -I breath, becoming more and more aware of my "aliveness" -I finish the tea and head back to my bedroom to sit. Answers arise... -Sexuality is a part of your nature. DO NOT DENY IT, BUT PRACTICE IT IN A HEALTHY WAY --Took all the "evil" in the world and tossed it in the trashcan (EVERYTHING IS GOOD WITH A CAPITAL G) -There is no other (duh) (and it's fucking hilarious!) Part 2 (Peak) -I BREATH -ALIVENESS is ALWAYS and is peak bliss/pleasure -I think about the alternate then--death (what is it then?) -FUCK THE DEAD (METAPHORICALLY AND LITERALLY) -When EACH BREATH IS THE HIGHEST ORGASM, EACH ONE IS AN ACT OF CREATION (Nothing else compares) -Getting tired, I stop sitting and lay on mattress and look up at ceiling. I raise the hand to the ceiling and it touched! -Hand transforms into primitive mammalian devil hand (it's alien/mysterious) (it's the Hand of God) -Close eyes and have moderate/heavy hallucinations. See infinite little RAINDBOW/INFINITE COLOR SPECTRUM "octopus clowns" splaying their hands forward to me in a prayer like/loving fashion and saying "here you go, this is it, see?". I UNDERSTAND. They touch my mind and it's another ERUPTION of orgasmic bliss **side note: if the reader is curious and would like an approximate visual of what they looked like, search up "mr.creepypasta the showers" on google and it is the thumbnail for the video uploaded on may 22nd. Now imagine that but with infinite rainbow colored octopus tentacles emerging from behind and all around it** -THE MIND/EGO OF "ME" AND GOD (AS A TALL CLOWN/JESTER THERAPIST) TALK IN A ROOM (As I eavesdrop on this talk from outside the door, I see that this tall clown is also, in fact, a demon, and beautiful as fuck) -LITTLE CLOWNS CLOSE THE DOOR (THEY ALL HAVE "JOBS" THAT ARE MOMENTARY, BUT THEY ARE ALL IMPORTANT/GODLY) (THEY LAUGH) I stand up, somehow naked, and see the mess of my room I made. I "tell" me to clean my room. I ask "why clean?" Answer "because all these things are YOU, and YOU deserve to be treated with respect" Oh silly me, of course... The blanket and I have a 1 on 1 therapy session. I love this blanket (SIDE NOTE: WTF IS A BLANKET??) I finally find my PJs and turn of the lights and lay on my bed under blankets in fetal. It feels SOOO GOOOD. You close your eyes and see infinity. Questions arise that become more and more distilled: What is (blank)? What is this? What is? Is? Answer: IS. (Possible answer to everything as far as language allows. THE NATURE OF IS AND THE ANSWER TO IT IS, IS) PERIOD. ON THE PERIOD HINGES LIFE/ORGASM AND GESTURED TO IT BY A LITTLE CLOWN HAHA Why doing? Answer: No doing, only BEING BE. PERIOD. ON THE PERIOD HINGES LIFE/ORGASM AND GESTURED TO BY A LITTLE CLOWN HAHA But then what is to be? Being means to live as fully in the moment and as authentically as you can. It means to be infinitely creative and not copying/mirroring others but rather being YOU. Being YOU/I means to go an unbeaten path. To live your original story however it unfolds. This story is a dream and a loving gift. It is a loving gift because what else is there? There is infinity and there is emptiness/NOTHINGNESS. Both are the same thing in a twisted way. So if you ask, why is there something? But there isn't. And at the same time there is. Going further beyond this is possible but also infinitely mysterious and forever unknown. God can keep understanding itself but never FULLY (because it can keep understanding itself infinitely). It's like...imagine you are hiking up an infinitely tall mountain. Every couple of miles, you stop and look down and you say, "oh wow, so that's what it looks like". But as you keep hiking higher and higher (assuming no end), you can look down and say that every time, again and again. Your understanding can grown higher and higher, and deeper and deeper as you rest at each checkpoint and look back. But it'll never be fully complete because: 1. You are in a form (a human) and therefore only have so many years to live and understand 2. The mountain is infinite, so hypothetically even if you could live forever (which no form will), even then you can still keep hiking up and looking down/understanding, forever and ever. Infinitely. THIS IS NOT WRONG OR BAD. THIS IS PRECISELY THE NATURE OF GOD AND HOW THINGS ARE. IT CAN BE NO OTHER WAY/NO OTHER CONFIGURATION. Any other configuration would not make sense. Infinity is boundless and the universe is thus boundless. Boundless and also made of LOVE (more on that later) Part 3 (Comedown) -FETAL POSITION and I create and perform Spooky Belly Dancing (inspired by the fire earlier!) -I also accidentally invent a new yoga pose (the Possessed Corpse Extension Orgasm Pose) (flex those abdominals and extend the neck!) -The dance that was earlier done on the come-up was very "therapeutic". Perhaps dance (uninhibited), can be a form of going meta/knowing GOD and healing (along with self inquiry, meditation, yoga, psychedelics) -Let's call it DANCE THERAPY! (maybe this already exists haha but who cares) -I close the eyes -I DROOL -RAINBOW/INFINITE-COLOR SPECTRUM OCTOPUS CLOWNS (THEY ARE DEMONS AND THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL, DEAL WITH IT) -In fact, EVERYONE/EVERYTHING has a song and it is BEAUTIFUL! -I sleep -I wake at around 9am Thank YOU for reading, and may YOUR song never end

It depends on what exactly we are talking about. If you mean the temporary ego-mind, it will simply vanish into nothingness. If we are speaking of the mind as source, then it depends. If you have liberated the mind, it will fully remember its true nature. If not, then the projection of the mind will continue in a form similar to the present one.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #87 ~ Fri May 29 '26 ~ 2:46 PM Ive been off from work for the past 4.5 weeks after having open heart surgery. My life has been filled with reading spiritual books, journaling, taking naps, relaxing, and contemplating. Through this process, I've been able to catch glimpses of enlightenment. I have noticed that there is no boundary between myself and the object that I am perceiving (this only lasts a few seconds.) I have also been able to perceive my own self image as a filing cabinet. This filing cabinet is filled with files. The filing cabinet nor the files inside of it are my True Self, it has been constructed by me in order to create groundedness in my perception of reality. What I truly am is a vast and open nothingness, which I have again been able to glimpse for a few moments. I went back into work today just to visit and holy shit, I am sucked right back into a thought - induced state filled with anxiety and mental chatter. It feels a little bit better I guess, I mean I am able to create more separation between myself and my thoughts as I'm able to just observe things (at times), but this was very eye opening. This Enlightenment business is going to become 20x more difficult when I'm back working full time. The only reason I've been able to catch glimpses of it is because I haven't had to work at all for the past 4 weeks. When I go back to work, I'll be busy as fuck with students and other dance ventures, and I am going to get sucked right back into all of the social games that Ben loves to play. Things are going to be more challenging for me on the spiritual front when I go back to work and there's no doubt about it. But I need to go back to work, I have to make money ( I also want to, I do love dancing and I love my students, I love the environment, I love everything about it, but I want to do this job while being enlightened. But I need space away from what I love in order to become enlightened, that's the paradox of it.) so I'm going to have to find a way to pursue both when I do go back to work. My job for the next 3 weeks is to set my life up so that it's organized enough to be successful at my job while being able to spend the necessary time (even if its just 20-30 minutes a day) on the spiritual work. My take on actualized.org is as follows: Leo has done an incredible job of developing a catalog of videos that help the average person contemplate what the True nature of reality is. Listening to one of his videos opens my mind in a way that allows for the capacity for genuine insight. His book list is top notch, I'd say it's even more valuable than the videos, every one of these 5 star books have made a profound impact on my life. Overall, this place has done wonders for my spiritual and personal growth. As I transition myself into a new chapter of independent thinking, I look forward to using his content as a vehicle to open the mind, I am no longer going to take his content in like a sponge. I use the experience of listening to a video as a way for my mind to start getting into a state of not knowing in which there can be genuine insight into the Truth of reality. Now, let's get to how I feel about the forum. I've been on here for at least 2 years. At first, I was very nervous and insecure being on here, I didn't post much and when I did, I was very anxious about it. Eventually, I started posting things regularly and I'm very proud of myself that I was able to summon the courage to do this and now I'm at over 1,000 posts, I'm a veteran on here. With that being said, I have found very little impact on me when it comes to posting on the community forum. I remember getting some good advice about going out and salsa dancing, I remember getting praise for a post I wrote about burning through karma, and I got to practice my spiral dynamics understanding but beyond that, Ive gotten next to nothing as far as impact on my personal growth. I don't know if it's the way this whole thing is set up or it's the people on it or maybe my expectations are way too high. I think I look at how high quality the actualized.org catalog is and I think the forum will give me just as much value but honestly I think I've wasted a lot of time on here. This sounds silly to say because I waste 10x and maybe even 100x as much time on apps like Instagram and YouTube and I really need to start taking a good hard look at that, but nonetheless I have wasted time on here with very little to show for it. The only that is worthwhile to do on here is post my journal entries. I have a spiritual autolysis journal in which I journal about what is truth in a way that digests the self until there is no self left. The work in that journal can be exhilarating. The second journal focuses on the habits and the Disciplines that will be required in order for Ben ( my dream character) to accomplish all of his goals.

Guys, I really respect all of you who are putting effort and time into this path such as god realization, the infinite, nothingness, etc. But why wasn't there a god before physical birth? Ok, let's say that physical birth is an illusion and you experience everything via consciousness. Why does an experience only take place while the body is alive? Or let's say that you experience infinite times, or that you are everything. some of you call it infinite consciousness, why are you, and why were you, only conscious of this specific reality while the body is alive? Why do all these realizations come through only when the body exists? Including reincarnation, it is learned through the mind, which belongs to life. So when the mind dies, what will happen to reincarnation? For instance, 99% of you consume psychedelics and realize what god or the infinite is; the body consumes a substance and you have a realization of this stuff. Why were you never conscious of these things before the body existed? So when the body and mind die, what will be left? The mind invents these lofty concepts to try and escape its own expiration date.

That's not what I'm saying, I mean what you described further down. If you're closed off, then you're living in an illusion and life is torture. If you live with openness, then you're not trapped in mental constructs but in harmony with what is, in the flow of life. My point here is not about different locations, but rather about the depth of perception. It would be more like me saying: fear is an illusion and only love is real. I know you'll say, but fear is not an illusion; it's the product of billions of years of evolution. But this evolutionary program is only necessary as long as you perceive yourself as a separate, temporary organism. Okay, yes, what I meant by openness before was complete dissolution. What you mean now is living with an open heart, which I think is the best thing one can do. Total dissolution happens on its own; you can't force it. Why are you now done with psychedelics? I mean, because you recently said it was very beneficial to you. If you say that closeness stems from fear, then that's exactly what I mean when I say that closeness arises from a belief in separation. Why does someone experience fear and close themselves off? Because they perceive themselves as a separate, vulnerable being who needs to protect themselves from the world. For me, formless doesn't mean empty, cold, dead, or nothingness. I'm expressing that absolute reality has no boundaries, shapes, or coordinates in space; it is absolutely free, indefinable. Grace has no physical form; you can't draw a line around it. Yet it is indescribably positive, pure life itself, perfect presence, so good that just a breath of it transforms millions of years of evolution. And in this boundless freedom lies a peace so profound that nothing can disturb it. Yes, I completely agree with you. If the system closes itself off in defense, then I see it as being trapped in an illusion, namely the illusion of separation. Understanding and dismantling this defense mechanism is the daily practice whenever something arises that triggers it.

Spiritual Autolysis Journal Entry #83 ~ Sat May 23 '26 ~ 7:54 AM Okay, so another human being ( or myself) is a real organism, they are a real entity in a relative sense. We can't argue with that. But when looking for Absolute TRUTH, which encapsulates everything inside of itself, that's where relative truths fall flat. For example, this girl that I am thinking of, I can describe her in different ways than another person would describe her. Take the fact that she has blonde hair, someone else might say that it's light brown or dirty blonde and boom there you have it, it's a relative truth. You also have different languages for blonde, in French, it's not called blonde, in Spanish, it's not called blonde, it's called something else... Boom relative truth. So what were trying to do here is write down something that is ACTUALLY true, not something that can be argued or disputed. So what is something that you can count on without a doubt in your tiny little brain? I can count on the fact that I am aware of my current experience. I am HERE. I am present. I am ABLE to see things and hear things, etc. now what I'm seeing can be relative. I could see the color red in front of me, but a blind person just sees black and a color blind person might see orange while I see red. Therefore, the Truth does not lie within WHAT I'm seeing, it lies within the ability to see. This is an abstract notion because there's nothing to grasp onto here. This Truth is boundless, it doesn't have a location and I cannot grasp it with knowledge or intellect, it's just something that is here, right in front of me. But there's something missing, it's as if I understand it conceptually but I'm missing the experience of it. I'm also scared to let go of the relative truths that I hold so near and dear. But do I have to let them go? They're still relative truths. They're not going anywhere... "Before Enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water." Honesty: a more honest look at the truth of something is what we're looking for. This goes for anything, try to be as truthful as you possibly can when it comes to your perceptions about reality and the world at large Authentic experience: an authentic experience is what we are after. This authentic experience is awakening, it is enlightenment. In order to get here, we need to exhibit honesty Grounded openness: In order to achieve enlightenment, I must be open to a very real experience of the Truth. This is accompanied by a grounded-ness that grounds us in reality, grounds is in what is True, grounds us in the pursuit of Truth, and also grounds us in the reality that this body, this ego needs to be fed, it needs to survive. For example, I am not going to be open to that grizzly bear maybe being friendly, no... I am grounded in the fact that that grizzly bear is dangerous and I should stay far away from it. Questioning: I am not the voice, I am the space in which the voice is heard. The voice inside of my head, I'm going to call him Ben. He is scared. He is terrified. He thinks that I am trying to kill him. But I'm not trying to kill him, there is space for him in this vast, boundless Truth that I am driving towards like a madman. And I will treat him like a terrified little child. I will coddle him during this trip so that he embraces what his true nature is. This voice is a part of the Nothingness void. He is not separate from it. And I have to integrate him into it with me. The human ego, the personality, the "Ben" character, cannot live in the Absolute. It belongs to the relative world. It thrives in the world of friendships, jobs, hikes, and dogs. But this vast Absolute Nothingness encapsulates absolutely everything, therefore he is part of the Absolute yet he really doesn't belong in a relative sense. I will continue down this path with the utmost devotion. I will give up everything I know and love if I have to. NOTHING matters besides truth. I only pay the rent so that I can pursue Truth. And I will not stop until I get what I came here for. The funny thing is, the relative world continues to rotate even though my perception is that of the Absolute Truth. Do you see that? Nothing is actually going to change in a real tangible sense. Because the Truth is already there, its right in front of you, so what on Earth would change? Further is the name of the game, its not helpful to take a look back at past entries, just keep moving forward, that is all that matters until you reach a special place called "Done." Then I will look back at the journey that I've taken and laugh because the Truth was there all along, so why did it cause such a big fuss? It is eye opening however to see that this dream self does need attention. He is and will always be alive in the relative sense. Just because you understand and perceive things differently doesn't mean that he can be ignored, he still has needs, he needs to eat, he needs to fuck, he needs to pee and poop, he needs to feel fulfilled. I like that you are starting to create separation from him. Because you are NOT him, I mean you are, but you are really something so much bigger and brighter and infinitely more magical than a human being that has limited capabilities, strengths and weaknesses, etc. I am starting to see the limitations of living this way though, of living just for Ben, it is a hollow form of living, one that's thoughts are occupied by girls and petty things that I'm annoyed with. I want my thought patterns to be above that, but I AM NOT settling for some spiritual comforts. NOOOO. I want Truth and I will not settle for anything but. Ben is a real character in this dream state. And he deserves to be loved. He wants love. He wants to feel comforted and he wants to feel fulfilled. He doesn't want to be treated unfairly. He wants to sweep a girl off of her feet. He wants to give one girl the treatment that she so desperately wants and deserves. He wants these things and what when you discover truth, will Ben disappear? No, of course not. It's as if you now understand that the movie that you're watching isn't real. It's filled with actors and special effects. And your culture has taught you to believe that you are the main character. But that's not you're nature in an Absolute sense, in reality you are the light that is projecting what's on the screen. And one of these days you are going to have a direct experience of what that is. I mean it's right here, it's right in front of you, but something is blocking you from seeing it, from experiencing it. Identify what the roadblock is. What is stopping you from seeing the Truth? Well, the key to awakening is having an insight. Having an insight into the true nature of reality. Having an insight requires a state of not knowing. A state of not knowing is a mind state free of beliefs, opinions, and perceptions. A state of not knowing is a state that's focus is on experience and not thoughts or beliefs. Okay, sure but how do we get to this state?

Spiritual thinkers, yoga scholars, and mystical philosophers have frequently drawn parallels between Helen Keller’s unique sensory experience and Eastern concepts of enlightenment. Thinkers within Vedanta, Buddhism, and modern mindfulness movements often point to her life to illustrate how looking past external sensory input can spark a profound internal awakening. The connection between Helen Keller's life and the concept of Pratyahara rests on distinct psychological and philosophical realities. 1. Pratyahara and Forced Sensory Redirection In the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, Pratyahara is the fifth limb of yoga. It means intentionally drawing energy away from the eyes, ears, and other senses to focus it deep within. Most people struggle for years to quiet external distractions. Keller experienced this sensory boundary automatically because she was deaf and blind. Because her mind could not look outward through sight and hearing, her energy naturally turned inward. This forced her to develop what she called a "mystic sense" or a deep inner sight that made her intensely aware of reality. 2. Keller's Direct Description of the "Awakened" State Keller’s own writings describe her shift into language and self-awareness in terms that mirror Eastern enlightenment: The Void Before Consciousness: Before learning language, Keller described herself as an "unconscious clod of earth" living in a "no-world" of nothingness without a defined ego, will, or intellect. This state closely mirrors discussions on the unawakened mind in Eastern philosophies. The Flash of Awakening: She explicitly called her famous breakthrough at the water pump a "mental awakening" and a soul-liberating revelation. The Reality of Pure Awareness: She wrote, "The world to which I awoke was still mysterious; but there were hope and love and God in it, and nothing else mattered." Eastern scholars view this as a classic description of shifting from sensory illusions to pure, undisturbed awareness. 3. Spiritual Frameworks: Swedenborg vs. Eastern Thought While Keller's experience fits the description of Eastern mindfulness, she understood it through a Western spiritual lens. As an adult, she became a devoted follower of Emanuel Swedenborg, a Christian mystic. The table below compares how Keller's experiences align across Western mysticism and Eastern philosophy: Ultimately, Keller showed that human consciousness does not need sight or hearing to achieve deep peace, intense focus, or a radiant sense of joy.

Feedback: I've watched the first 40 videos so far. Found them super valuable, especially the ones addressing foundational concepts (e.g., nothingness,, consciousness) and techniques/practices (e.g., meditation, self-exploration). These shorter tips help clarify some nuances I hadn't yet grasped from YouTube videos.