pfletcha

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About pfletcha

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  1. So I did some "intuitive" thinking earlier in response to this, and something struck me first about the root of the incidents themselves. Each one is rooted in a different version of impotence. With the original incident with the hands, I had already been pounding away at both piano and actual keyboard for close to two years on adderall without any problems. Some context: I didn't have many friends at this Christian high school I went to. I had grown to resent people and authority (and christians) , completely isolating myself... but in the realm of piano I was GOD to my teachers and classmates , and for good reason (not trying to brag :P). Due to my inflated teenaged ego and limited Southern upbringing, I had held myself to a ridiculous standard, like I was the best in the country or something...this changed when I started talking to this asian kid on a piano forum who was both younger AND was playing the most ridiculous piano repertoire that exists, with relative ease. This deep down enraged me so much that I set out to learn an even more challenging piano etude that I was CLEARLY not ready for, but obsessively pounded away at regardless. It's not like I was really straining my muscles that much more than I already was, (which was a fucking lot), but there was now this anger and unhealthy energy eating away at me. And that is exactly when the pain started. Then I did some thinking about the prostate pain...this was in college when I was 21 years old and still a virgin...well I FINALLY got with a chick, and as soon as we tried to fuck, I completely dissociated due to the stress, and its like I completely forgot what a sexual impulse was supposed to feel like...Very shortly thereafter, I developed the 2nd pressure/pain point. The jaw pain was the trickiest to figure out, so heres my best guess. This one started when I was at this drug rehab-esque house for men, where I routinely was made fun of for being a virgin and just easy to tick off in general...to build up my self esteem, I started working out with a couple of the guys at this gym we had out in the garage . While my determination was great at first, it soon waned off and I never gave working out the proper chance it deserved , I guess. Shortly after (or maybe right at the end?) the TMJ shit started. My emotional pain/impotence started in middle school. I was always kind of spacy/in my head a lot, never had a lot of common sense, and I cried really easily. So I made up for it by forcefully flatlining my emotions whenever someone made fun of me. And when trying to talk to my peers and make friends, I would go out of my way to obsessively chronicle every detail of whatever I was talking about. Instead of just speaking in a more down to earth manner. I'm sure a lot of people have had a similar struggle and turned out relatively OK, but my theory is that there's something about how much more sensitive I am than most, and how much stronger my brain processes information, that has forced me to repress a ton of shit inside, just to be safe. So I think I've got the root solved , but now what? My point is that I'm starting to come out of this dissociative state and have a lasting spiritual state of consciousness throughout the day. I mean it really has been miraculously lately, it's like I see through the eyes of a child again. However my derealization/dissociation/anxiety/pain still persists; theres at least two or three times a day where I have to live out my old self again, more or less. I'm definitely getting more confident that things will continue to get better, but my question is what to do now with this self knowledge? Meditation and yoga, obviously, but do you think a massive dose of shrooms or 5-meo-dmt would be in order ? would that possibly solve it sooner? Your thoughts, and thank you for taking the time to read this .
  2. I had an awakening recently via daily meditation practice followed by an amazing lsd trip, and now that im not so trapped in my anxiety and thoughts, the world is now a generally brighter place and my sex drive is through the roof again (im 30 and have had very similar issues) Had to throw in my 2 cents because for me, i saw every doctor, had everything checked (normal, including testosterone) , and tried every vitamin and supplement under the sun, to no avail. Again, ymmv.
  3. @Zigzag IdiotYes, ive been noticing since starting yoga, just how restrictive my breathing has always been (cant get much more than 3 or 4 seconds on the outbreath). I assume youve encountered this problem in some way in the past. What are your favorite techniques for expanding lung capacity? Also what is your reasoning for how being more spontaneous can help?
  4. I wont bog any of yall down with too many details of how much more "outside the ego" i am lately: lets just say that the spiritual aspect of the lsd trip stuck this time, and I now feel capable of utilizing my brain properly, including much more energy, more clear headed , and able to organize my thoughts in a VERY timely manner . This means i am willing to put in the time and effort it takes to try a variety of approaches in tackling this incredibly peristent problem once and for all. Ever since high school when i used to abuse the shit out of my adderall script and play piano/computer games for 12+ hours a day when i wasnt in school, i developed quite suddenly this pain in my hand and forearms that feels like the very surface layer is being "pulled" in a way that just...hurts.. hard to explain. 5 or 6 years later i developed a similar extremely distressing "tightness" in the middle of my "low" lower back area, near where the uh 2nd chakra is supposed to be (doctors labeled it nonbacterial prostatitis). Then a couple years after that when i was 21 i started getting classic symptoms of tmj. Now heres a small list of additional strangeitudes that i pray will resonate with somebody on this forum .(as if this werent already odd enough!) 1. The pain in all three of these spots comes and goes, sometimes completely at random, but other times for reasons i can trace pretty easily, such as stress and attempting to sit at a computer again for a stretch. 2. This "triangle" of pain is almost always evenly distributed i.e. if my arm hurts really bad the other spots will be fine, and if two spots are lit up at once, it will only be about half as bad 3. I love drugs of all sorts , and ive been cycling through bouts of addiction most of my life. Whenever im on a "run" , where downers such as alcohol and heroin are in the mix, this pain without exception lies almost entirely dormant. Even during intervals in the day where im not high and/or in withdrawal! 4. The importance of the psychological component cannot be stressed enough. Lately i havent even been able to follow along with piano sheet music without my hand flaring up the moment i begin to imagine im playing the notes! Please , all you holistic minded thinkers out there. Give me all that you've got. I need this buried. Ive been bad about starting a lengthy thread in the past and not following up on the advice , but this time i mean business
  5. It is the weirdest thing, and my friends and therapist are baffled by it...I noticed one day when I was breathing out , that's when I get the tension and feeling like I'm holding my breath, and as I inhale..well that's when I get the relief ! Aside from that, exhaling seems to be much more stunted then inhaling, which I can do 2-3x as long ; it's like something is getting stuck on the exhale , and I'm having to forcefully pump all the extra air out when I get halfway down. Not cool. Not cool at all. Insights ? I'm gonna do my best to participate fully on this forum from now on. Not just try this work for a week and give up like I normally do! (When I take lsd , this problem is completely alleviated , and everything flows as it should. Which gives me hope)
  6. As a recovering drug addict that's somewhat accustomed to a life of deception, I've recently acknowledged that old habits truly die hard. To this day I've never stolen from anybody personally (besides 60$ from my parents like 10 years ago), and yet I'm still struggling not to shoplift small pocketable items (mostly food) from retail establishments. And just yesterday I managed to scam both kroger and western union out of 30$ due to an error on their part. However I've had a guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach all day today from it. I'm not telling you any of this because I'm proud of it. at this point it's become something of a pathological urge to steal, even when I have money or don't need it in the first place. To me stealing candy and burritos is akin to pissing in the ocean, ie its too petty an act to actually negatively harm society in any way. I've never been able to snuff out my guilty conscience entirely with it, but isn't the guilty conscience, ethics, social norms etc. all just an illusion born from a lifetime of conditioning and being raised in a conservative family? So Is it possible to lie and steal while doing the enlightenment work? I remember Leo saying you could become enlightened and still rape children if you wanted (!) But someone try and talk some sense into me if possible. And would I eventually need to make amends to these businesses, like they do in the 12 step AA program? Your thoughts plz
  7. This lesson video is AWESOME, exactly what I was banking on! hopefully someone else catches this vid
  8. Frankly I've been pretty confused ever since Leo posted the video about "the importance of real yoga," in opposition to the Westernized yoga, whose benefits lie mostly in increasing flexibility and overall vitality. Or do they? I bought a book on kriya yoga and gave it a good shot ,( not enough to really give a solid opinion so bear with me!) but it just didn't seem like there was enough body movement going on. Body awareness or more specifically the mind/body integration thing has always been something I struggled with, and my intuition seems to tell me that traditional "static" meditation wont be enough to help make significant gains. In fact the only time Ive ever seemed to notice meditation working is when I've done it (focused on breathing, awareness) during an asana yoga session in a class with a teacher. By the end of the session , I was in a state I could only describe as being surrounded by a beautiful , peaceful energy. I remember looking around at some of the more experienced practitioners around the room and being in awe of this display of "human origami". This all leads me to believe that i need to integrate mindfulness with a form of yoga which involves more movement than the purely "spiritual" yoga. Thoughts, anyone?
  9. I'm gonna have to disagree with even Leo this time; mixing LSD (or shrooms) and MDMA to me is way better than either separate for personal growth and sows the seeds for a beautiful afterglow/rebirth that can sometimes last for weeks
  10. @Leo Gura @see_on_see also , it feels like whenever i inhale i'm relaxing , and when i exhale is when i tense up . any experience with this "paradoxical" breathing? or am i just a freak
  11. does anyone here struggle with the out-breath of diaphragmatic breathing? even as i've begun the aspirated "shee" sound upon blowing out, it still feels like an extended struggle to get all the air out of my lungs/belly. i can't breathe out for even half as long as when i breathe in, and i'm soon quickly out of breath. i can't even make it back to the 1st chakra when practicing 1st kriya pranayama
  12. is the talabya kriya really necessary? stretching the tongue out for enlightenment reeks of dogma to me
  13. is this the kriya yoga series everyone has been following here lately? (in response to leo's yoga video)