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Everything posted by pfletcha

  1. I kinda hail from a background in Alcoholics Anonymous (it’s kind of the cornerstone of their spiritual program ) , would like to start a topic on the meaningful act of giving back/helping others as a form of diminishing Self , often quite dramatic and literally ! It’s not just AA ; many of the spiritual leaders knew what was up ! Iirc , that dude that was guru to Ram das put feeding people at the very tip top of what I assume is a very long list of things to do to become enlightened. Helping make a difference in someone’s life , and especially doing something that’s unique to your skill set/experience has paid off in ways I’m still coming to grips with …but before I go into any more detail , I want to hear any of you guys’ experience with helping others, good bad or neutral .
  2. so I'm 33 years old and have never been comfortable having sex with a girl unless I was notably intoxicated (alcohol, opiates, etc...) and even then the conditions had to be just right (not too fucked up, decent connection with the chick, good looks, etc....) or else Im good as fucked: At some point my anxiety just takes over to the point where I dissociate and can't feel anything down there for the remainder of the evening... Well as of about 8 months ago I began opting for the (mostly ) sober and best version of Philip I could possibly be...the adulting has steadily paid off i believe.. have received a lot more female attention in recent times, including two opportunities for intimacy! yet again and again i feel, this feels like some freak forbidden act to me. Will usually start off greatly aroused , in sync with her, touching, making out... then right when it comes time to do the deed, a voice in my head kinda tells me that this is some sort of advanced activity for grownups, what the fuck do you think you're doing, etc?? You couldn't possibly fathom the frustration I've been through with this sex balogna through the years, like holy mary mother of fuck! Would estimate that I've had sex less than 50 times in my life ; could count on maybe 3 hands the number of times I've actually enjoyed sex without completely stressing the entire time and thinking myself into a deep dark hole... it tortures my fucking guts out having to hear about other people being happy ever day , in love, having sex casual or otherwise, etc. I honestly believe that the lack of sex and intimacy has been one of the if not the major contributing force of my issues with addiction, depression, etc. Has anyone else struggled with sex/intimacy to this degree? It's one thing to get rejected (which believe me, am incredibly well versed in too!) but this not being able to perform makes me feel like a freak of nature, or at least something thats positively less than a man. I'm too afraid to bring this kind of personal shit up to people in real life, so I appreciate the opportunity to vent here again . Thanks
  3. sorry for the delay y’all, been out sick and not so thrilled to discuss this horrific subject …swear to fuck , sometimes i wish sex didn’t even exist .. -It was never really discussed in our home growing up , but it wasn’t exactly condemned either … just had this forbidden air to it , guess you could say (only child to southern baptist boomers …) Penis, vagina , tits , etc were never used , you get the idea. regardless , I wasn’t getting any until the ripe old age of 21 , so from the very start have had the issue of “locking up” and impotency …”im not worthy “ or “she’s not worthy” or even as simple as “am I actually going all the way in there ?”along with my nerves feeling shot/detached from sensory input/depersonalization/what have you . there is also this immense pain in my 2nd chakra/prostate area that gets lit up with pain , I mean it’s something I deal with randomly as is , but the pain is especially awful (think kidney stone) when I’m undergoing a major awakening/shift in kundalini/chi , or when I’ve just gone soft for the night … take from all that what you will . “when you know you have a date at home with a new girl? Does that already create anxiety?” Oh yeah lol. Because even from the start I can tell im weaving my way directly into another self fulfilling prophecy/failure ! As far as body image issues…yes until quite recently , I had gynecomastia or enlarged male breasts for most of my life . and while my case was relatively minor , would say it drove me up the wall mentally and physically (particularly in public ) to the degree where I couldn’t even tolerate wearing certain clothing textures, would just feel this outline of my nipples/chest and yeah I would say it contributed to my low self esteem and feelings of manhood. But I got that fixed at least “How is it actually when you know you have a date at home with a new girl? Does that already create anxiety?” -there is always this underlying tension that I’m not going to be in the right “space” to stay hard and go all the way with her / score . What sucks even worse is that even when I do get going, I tend to get caught off guard and instantly lose my load …the only workaround I’ve ever known has been just the right amount of alcohol ,or a medium/small dose of opiates… but that isn’t an option anymore. funnily enough I haven’t watched porn in ages …yet itsmark was made on me early on, and I do believe it’s some evil shit, for better or worse …I mean just think about all the years going through high school and first couple years of college,having to watch from the sidelines as everybody else got to enjoy themselves this case porn just becomes this sick void you can fall into , but I digress …pretty sure It did program me to get myself off asap. Meaning that I feel that porn is to blame for at least some of those times I was aroused and then instantly either went flat , or wanted to just get it all over with asap .. hope I’ve made myself somewhat clear tonight ! Edit : sorry , realized I answered dudes question twice . It works out
  4. Nothing that centers around pickup or dating methodology , not just yet...think something more along the lines from "women are from Venus ..." , But even more technical and deep . And modern. Also the authors gender could be an important intuition tells me it would be more effective from a male perspective, at least for me. My hope is that the more I can learn, the more I could channel all the resentment and bitterness that's built through the years into something more akin to love and understanding!!!
  5. Id be willing to bet , even in more conservative leaning states , they would show you a good deal of mercy if it was simple possession , without any priors . Speaking from personal experience (not with psychedelic but something similarly "bad") as well as other people I've known. Edit: sorry I shouldn't assume you live in the states, but in case you do...
  6. Hahaha omg . Thanks a lot, now I've gotta go out and try this shit
  7. Lmao. How bout try some, wasting your early 30s away ? U good, bro
  8. so would you say that it's possible for ketamine to have the same "sticking power" as the more traditional tryptamine psyches? it gave me some amazing glimpses of enlightenment at times, but as soon as it wore off, that was it
  9. Iirc, In the psychedelics guide by Mr dm Turner, the combo of Syrian rue mixed with 3.5grams psilocybin is mentioned. Supposed to intensify the fuck out of the trip , think approaching dmt realms...
  10. Edibles are an ideal alternative to smoking pot IMO, particularly if your aim is to incorporate THC into a lifestyle conducive to growth. Less intense of a peak , hence less "burnout" effect imo...more consistent throughout the day. Just better! Still, it is not easy at all retraining the mind to use it as a continuous source of motivation and inspiration , rather than succombing to "couch potato syndrome" . But I swear it's worth it. With cannabis you can learn to have fun and be fully present in everything you do, laborious or otherwise . However I suppose the training wheels gotta come off sooner or later, no? I currently struggle with this aspect
  11. it's like, until i did psychedelics, i got absolutely NOWHERE with meditation, no matter how long or consistently it was done for... why not incorporate both into your overall routine? hellyea
  12. most of my humor and way i express myself seems to go over the majority of the ladies' heads...or they get offended..or both. not sure how much to compromise myself , meet everyone in the middle (mental note: I refuse to compromise myself!)
  13. Thanks, thats a lot of useful info I'd say ...yeah I already read roughly half of the first book that guy suggested above you ...still doesn't address a lot of the struggles I deal with's a good example This scene was absolutely gut wrenching the first time I saw it ...this fucking inability to differentiate between feigned and genuine interest . Even worse is trying to tell if theyre super excited and happy talking to me because theyre attracted, or just excited to meet a new like-minded friend . And in the end there is no way to really gauge what I did to fuck up , or if it was even my fault to begin with, etc ...
  14. If you barely felt anything to begin with, then your tolerance did not grow substantially at all . 2 days is def. enough time to baseline ,even if u ud taken enough for a mild trip..Ok maybe 3 days in that case
  15. Just please stick to your prescribed dose if you do . You don't want to take an amount where everything is fascinating and effortless...with that said, I've found that a small amt of amphetamine can certainly improve the quality of my meditation, so your call!
  16. Would you suggest some type of meditation w/movement or yoga to a person with poor body awareness and/or prone to depersonalization?
  17. As others may have said, a definite yes at least when it comes to his less political more practical stuff . At the very least he will have you looking at stuff in a way you never did before... which is never a bad thing
  18. I feel that I'm finally in an environment/living situation where this beautiful thing can flourish... Environment + am extremely fucking motivated to not rest on my laurels this time...gotta prove them wrong you know?
  19. This shift in consciousness is so intense that l fear for my stability, or perhaps worse, regressing back to normal again, into slavery! I'm beginning to understand everything about myself and why I've always been such a fuck up . .. why it always felt like I was "mentally" stuttering my way through life without drugs. Why I've never been able to be assertive about much of anything, and why I've always felt tired and mentally exhausted so easily ...Now this past month it's like I've taken the limitless pill (again) . Now it seems that I intuitively know which information in the environment is important to hone in on, and which isnt. Previously it's like i was being bombarded with too much information to process at once in a given moment, ESPECIALLY in social situations . I always had a foot in many different possible decisions at once, rendering it impossible to commit to any one response with confidence . The data overload would stun me like a deer in headlights , pure torture! So anyway, I feel truly free now, like I'm living in a simulation or video game that I can hack and have fun with . But it's made me a bit reckless, to say the least ..namely , I still have not figured out a way to shake these substances I've depended on for most of my life ...rather than bullying, they now pose as my friends, utterly harmless.. . I don't crave them anymore like I did , but that doesn't mean they're easy to fact they seem extra cuddly now ...oh, what should I do, guys? be honest, do u believe this is an awakening ,or could it be some form of manic mental illness that's preparing to bring me back to my knees ???
  20. Man you see, lately Ive felt that the opposite is true: the more "awakened" I get, the more I realize the extent of the delusion I was under about what's truly valuable in life . How can you lay blame upon a person thats essentially blind to the truth? I don't blame myself, or anybody or anything else in my life. It's like u could say it's all been one great big ego- driven misunderstanding .
  21. For the sake of argument, let's just say you're somewhere near the mark about this all being some manic, drug induced "thing." None of this would really mean much in the way of shit to me if not for the rather dramatic improvement in functioning and contentment across the board. I'll do my best to offer some concrete examples, but it's tricky.. Take multitasking. Previously multitasking was virtually impossible for me. Like if I'm driving, youd better not talk to me or there's a chance we're all going down lol. I literally could not perform one task in the stack without completely feeling like i was sabatoging the entire stack as a whole. Now lately it's like my ego doesn't get stuck in ocd mode, flipping out at the idea of not being "in control" of everything at once, If that makes sense. Now its like i got this more holistic, intuitive perception of the "whole" going on, and its no sweat to have to juggle multiple things at once anymore. When i used the word "slavery" perhaps i was being overly dramatic. I just meant that I finally feel like an active participant in life rather than passive. The slavery analogy actually goes way deeper, but this will do for now... Again it is difficult to give up drugs and alcohol now precisely because they've lost a LOT of their grip on me. I mean I'm used to avoiding sobriety 24/7 as a full time job. It's always badass when u get to have your cake and eat it too..but at what cost I ask?? The last time i had one of these sustained transformative experiences, the delusions of grandeur won out in the end ; I ended up believing that i could learn to shoot heroin in a controlled manner. Yeah, talk about pouring water over a flame...holy shit what a disaster that was! TL:DR - I seem to have a much better relationship with substances now, and getting fucked up is still awesome and appears compatible with spiritual growth, at least for the moment. There's gotta be some line in the sand that can be drawn at this phase. Complete abstinence besides psychedelics just seems so over the top and almost counterproductive . I will never stop believing in that imaginary safety line in the sand...u dig?
  22. So AA and particularly the 12 steps appears to be a decent instruction manual for achieving an awakening of sorts over time ... Particularly I appreciate the emphasis it places on being of service to others throughout the process ... The one major hangup I have with AA is that its 100% got the right idea with learning to abolish the ego or whatever ... But it's just like what I remember Leo talking about a while back , that I suspect without the assistance of some psychedelic or prior awakening, meditation ends up being an epic waste of time . And based on my extensive experience with going to meetings and working steps with sponsors , I can't help but notice the same idea holds true for this shit too. The "escape velocity" necessary just isn't there for most people, since they're basically fumbling around in the dark, you know ? Too much ego backlash, imo. 2 steps forward, 2 steps back, if you ask wonder the success rates stink! Anybody care to chime in? I can't be the only one that thinks it's weird the angle spirituality is being approached from (addiction) . The floor is yours
  23. Please explain why you chose to describe meditation in such terms ??
  24. Bout a month ago. This is by far the longest it's "stuck"