Harman

@ndm678 It is kinda scary as like im kinda lost upon the purpose on alot of things which has made me scared but also i dont really feel to worried or stressed to be chasing or doing something. I think this is what happens when you are scared and stressed for nearly a year and a half on stuff and then when you understand the problem i feel somewhat free and lighter.

Yh ive been feeling lost in a sence of i dont know what im doing right now or anymore. Ive went through alot of realisations over the past 48 hours or so and i just feel relieved and almost light and for the first time in so long i went outside as i do but i looked up and saw the stars and in that moment a first time in a while was just present and accepted and loved what i saw (btw theres like 30 to 40 stars idk how but there was alot). And so now im just left kinda empty and not knowing what to do as im just in peace i dont know maybe after a little while it will go back to normal but it feels nice just to be i guess relieved about letting go somethings that has been a real block in my life. What it has done has made this feeling of why do such a thing and why worry about doing something you dont need to do i guess my goals are now unknown because right in this moment i dont know whats next or what is my motivation or my desire right now so it is just a weird feeling to have over a while of stress and worry. If this is a sign towards something good or bad let me know as im lost a bit to see what does this mean right now. Have a good day all of you!

@NoSelfSelf i apreciate that i think i am too scared or not too on creating meaning in things or that matter to me but im not sure about the analogy you used and the trap bit is all i didnt get but thank you for your response.

@Vajra i dont know its that but again it could be i wish i had that feeling or understanding that it was that also if this is some new opening of a new being opening then i dont know if it is the being i want to be because all i see is a lot of nothing and darkness again i dont know or understand what yiu said at a level but i am always greatful for your response thank you.

So when i was watching leo i do always remember him talking about truth i dont know specifically of the top of my head but i do remember it. And today ive realised that truth is getting at my. How so? Well i have been trying to live a meaningful life but because of this voice in my head thats like stop lets examine the weakness or the traps for example as simple as talking to girls. whats the traps?= thinking that this is love when really it may not be, becoming too reliant on her to give me something that i dont know how to give myself, the fear of how i would respond when she would leave and how would i respond. I think what has happened is that i do this with near enough everything and what it has caused is for me to not do much with my life and has caused me to be scared and to do anything because i might be scared of the traps of where my mind will during these activities or anything. And also with me not knowing much or beliefing in me means that i respond by not doing much at all. Ps i havent really explained this problem to well but if any of replys come ill try to answer your questions as i still im not sure upon this problem but i know that it has made my excitement for life become nothibg which is scary for me because im only 18 so it is quite scary to have this happen for a while so it would appreciated for more clarity.

Apreciate that thank you for the advice.

Yh i understand i think nowa days i can figure tge money and work stuff but its more about the other stuff i said on the post that i have differculties about thanks for your responds.

Yh appriaciate the recomendation but i dont know if i want to watch another leo video to be honest.

Yh true i have been thinking for the last hour or so about this i guess another issue that i have is this question of "Am i doing the right thing?" and that question i feel has haunted me because i think i use it on everything especially when im trying to live a beautiful life but im trying to do it the right way which even i dont know what is the right way or i never have. And with this i use this question on a lot of things and i think it doesnt allow me to enjoy the moment as much also i think aswell when i think about this question i think i try to do what would leo do and so thats another issue as i think he is this god or some shit like that.

Well i would say that are u actually talking to girls and maybe there are playing games with you but if you dont wanna play games then tell them or find someone else also dont have your mindset be that about girls coz it doesnt help you yes they do tease and play games but you can decide which games you want play or you could decide if we are gonna play or not also not everyone is crazy that they want you to explode you find other woman if you only deal with those people see what i did there i said people not girls because everyone is different not one gemder is the same.

I dont know where to start but yh its hard to deal with life or maybe its my flaut i dont know. The year and half have been just all over the place im 18 so when i dropped out of college i had no clue what to do so i was lost and fell in the trap of trying to find a job which i fearee doing because i kinda fear and dislike the adult world or the jobs i see and me imaging that i would be depressed for the rest of my life because it would be meaningless plus just the same old thing everyday. And this problem became such a fear that i was consdering sucide deeply because i feared that life soo much that i didnt want that life at all but the pressure of doing or getting a job made that fear worse. So around about the start of the year and last december i decided to watch leos videos about how to live a beautiful life which it did work but that fear of getting a job was still there and whilst i was watching leo i was starting to enjoy life so much and is started to become myself as a person (ofcourse someone will say there is no self bullshit but i have no idea about what it means). All i was doing was watching leos content and almost worship him like jesus well not really but i would take everything he says to heart and almost like he was the bibly or the gospel something like that. Which ofcourse caused alot of issues as the deeper i went the more deeper we went with everything so ofcourse there was gonna be a bomb that was gonna explode. And that did happen around february or march things went to shit stopped meditating stop watching leo and i dont know what happened to cause this specifically but the after math was i was trying to be like leo and live the way he did and like i said before when you think someone is like a god in your eyes and you take everything he says and belief in an instant then yh i kinda did and even today still deal with this problem. Also thought about suicide a lot started my porn addiction again needed to go to threapy untill i couldnt pay no more and my life fliped upside down in an instant. The last couple of months has been the same but the thoughts of suicide have stopped i figured and understood my fear a lot more, my feelings towards life and my excitement has disapeared and to be honest ive never felt such little excitement out of my life from the last couple of months which has scared me a lot because i dont what to do about it. Another problem ive been having is always not knowing what to do as all i do nowa days is set around and watch youtube all day and play some games but the voice inside of me is always saying you need to figure out your life and its been like this for the last couple of months and basically im lost and have no idea what to do with my life i guess i could go and work at a job but to be honest that would be like leo said soul draining. The fear of me not knowing what to do with my life or whats next has just haunted me for the longest that i know. And im always trying to plan to be like a perfectionist becaue i probably fear too much about failing or other stuff. For me i want to live a beautiful meaningful life but i have soo much doubt and so clueless upon what to do and i dont know how to get there or where to go and i do feel like sometimes i should just end it all because the amount of pain that ive experince the last 3 years or so i just feel like i would be at peace for once but i dont know what to think anymore. Ps this is not an attack on leo its more of my flaut then anything also may not have said everything or all the important things but this took a while to type up so may a have missed somethings. I didnt want to do this or never really wanted to do this but i have no idea and no one to go to to be honest so this is all i could think off also it has been a down week for me and the last day or so.