AdamDiC

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About AdamDiC

  • Rank
    Newbie
  • Birthday 02/15/2000

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  • Location
    Toronto, Canada
  • Gender
    Male
  1. Hello. I want to tell you guys how my last 3 weeks have been. I hope you can feel me. It all started around December 16th. I'd been self actualizing for sometime and honeslty it was the farthest i had ever gone, felt really stable. I was reading Branden's 6 Pillars of Self-Esteem and it was really getting some traction, i saw paralells with my own life and was getting motivated. The first pillar is Living Consciously. A very powerful topic basically explaining to grab life by the balls, wake the fuck up, deal with the present moment effectively and move on. He recommends %5 steps working towards your goals. I knew what I had to do. I had to break the paradigm i was living in with my parents. I'd been living a double life. On one side I'm a quiet teenager whos seems like hes trying too hard, stays in his room to meditate and read and doesnt get out enough. On the other hand I'm trying to get fucking enlightened, doing drugs, scavenging the depths of my pysche, trying to change my diet, bust my comfort zones, and feed my muse, who stays in his room to meditate and read and doesnt get out enough. My relationship with them is flimsy and we dont really communicate clearly probably because I've changed so much and they havent. So i just get this overwhelming feeling that i have to do something. Then I'm like no its too hard. So i just start to supress it. Consciously supress it. Consciously induce unconsciosness. Not pleasant. Branden calls it a betrayel of consciousness. I definintely took it too extreme. He said %5, I said all or nothing baby. but i lost Here I am, January 3 and after a meditation session it all came back, the exact problem, and the exact solution (go sit down and talk to them). Until now I have been breaking all my habits. A super-mega backslide. Just literally feeling bad all the time, doing whatever i can to get me to fall "asleep". Netflix, food, video games, porn, fiction. I literally quit this stuff 4 months ago but i needed it to be unconscious. All that time flew by and i didn't grow one inch, nothing, nadda. I kinda feel like %99 of people. Just miserable, running away from themselves, attached to thought and pleasure, not trusting in truth love and beauty. I fucked up, i see that. I value truth love and beauty, but i dont act like it. not at all. I value them when i take shrooms or come back from a meditation retreat, when I worked my way up. But i see now that at my baseline consciousness, i have to work for them. I have to consciously align them into my life...and its hard. Obviously, no one does this. All my friends did exactly what I did for the past 3 weeks but THATS THIER ACTUAL LIFE, They dont know any better. I DO. i can't go backwards, i cant and I know that. So what im basically doing now is suffering and sulking, being abused by my mind, especially the infinite negative one and it sucks. I've experienced positive mindstates. Ones where the world is at my finger prints and i feel they are still inside me and able. But when it comes down to it i'm weak. I have been running away from this probably much longer than i can think (unaware of problem). but now i found the root and know how to fix it. But theres 2 sides to this war. Consciousness and unconsciousness. Truth and delusion. Good and evil. God and the devil. (Why do those words look alike lol). I have experienced the latter but I've only glimped the first. And i know what you're thinking just go and talk to them they are your parents. And you are right. but then why is it so hard for me? I think its one of those threshold gaurdians. Like if i do this my life will change measurably. That was it feels like. I don't know what I'm asking you guys for, i just wanted to get this out. Finally. been hesitant to say anything. Thanks
  2. So today I was looking around the internet. Dark Web, Tor, BTC, and all that wierd internet stuff and i came upon IndaHash. I literally just heard about this today so if anyone knows about this topic let me know. But I was on the website and I came across this video: hhtps://youtu.be/AQ4MUrCBxQ4 WATCH IT NOW! It's basically marketing gone mad. Probably gonna take over social media. It's fairly new, only about 3 months and it seem's scary. Social media won't be for communication or entertainment anymore, it'll be a business for EVERYONE, all users will feel it is necassary to have. It literally just promotes ego, money, greed, short-term gratification and that's why its so popular. I'm tempted to get into it lmao. It's a dream come true for all entrepenuers, youtubers, and celebrities. Do you feel what I'm getting at?
  3. @Nahm To answer the first question: I want the best life I can get. I want to feel alive everday and know that life is mine for the taking. I want to love everyone and be free of this crippling ego. You knooow the good stuff. To your second post: Ya im fairly new, just started being vegan and daily reading. As for meditation its just begun to deepen for me. So i'll just ride this wave until i feel in control because honeslty, like you said to not identify with body and mind, I've overcome some bodily attachments but I'm still a slave to my thoughts. A lot of negative thinking, worrying, doubting, FEAR. It's a roller coaster ride so I'll try my best and be present. Thanks!
  4. @Source_Mystic I have to agree with you on that one. I have to relax and realize i have my whole life ahead of me to actualize. Thanks
  5. @Leo Gura Thanks Leo. Ya you’re right. I have to develope as a whole. I’m just a bit overwhelmed right now and it feels like I should stick to meditation.
  6. After watching Leo's paradigm video and then doing psilocybin mushrooms I came to the conclusion that I am constantly switching between paradigms of thought. I experienced this my last mushroom trip when I was having some profound insights but because of lack of planning was disturbed and pulled back into reality. This resulted in an ego backlash (depression) because i did not have any time to integrate the insights into reality. I was harshly pulled back. So what I am struggling with now is the Paradigm of Self-actualization (mainstream self help, visualization, affirmations, self esteem work) and Non-duality paradigm. I have been meditating for 10 months now and have been influenced by my meditation teacher to not drift from my basic minfulness meditation practice. It seems secular and limiting but he has a point. I dont fully understand what I'm doing yet, I've had slight insights from meditation and should stick to it. So when i think about doing self-help, all i can think about is my teacher, ruining my practice, and how I'm distracting myself from the spiritual path and gaining Awareness. On the other hand, I know I am a zen devil. Its easy for me to dismiss people, judge thier unconsciousness, be angry. I'm pretty undeveloped as a self. I lack confidence around girls. Social skills and self esteem are questionable and I dont have a vision for my life, or a life purpose. Can i expect most of this to autocorrect with awarenss? Are these just ego backlashes from my practice? I do want to commit to life long actualizing, but from my point on the path. I'm confused. According to my meditation teacher I should dismiss this nonsense and keep meditating. It's just some monkey mind pulling me away from the present moment. Spiritual paradigm and self help paradigm. Please let me know what you think.
  7. Hi guys. I want to know how to be myself all the time. How to tend to my emotions. How to stop being so self-conscious and judgemental. I realized I am my worst enemy, change is terrifying for me and i fear it. I just watched How To Be a Man Part 2 and it really clicked with me. There have been moments in my life where i've felt amazing (tended to my feminine) and where all my relationships with people have gone effortlessly and smoothly. But currently i am struggling, its been back and forth with this choking hyper self-consciousness of mine that creates so much fear that i always fall back into my "safe" little bubble of quietness and complacency. I just make excuses for my lack of courage like "Oh, It'll just go away with time and awareness" It's scary tho. I've appeared a certain way to people for so long, and to just switch one day (be myself) is hard. I've been programmed to be something else. theres so much habit energy. Having been meditating for the past 8 months i can sense when it comes into me, the need to act for people, but it takes over me and i get lost in it. For family, friends, and in relationships. Its there sometimes. and the thing is when im unconscious of this whole problem things run smoothly, but i dont want that, i want to be conscious of me breaking out of this mess. I know what I have to do. But I'm scared of the reality of it.
  8. Yesterday I was reading Wishes Fulfilled: Mastering the Art of Manifesting by Wayne W. Dyer and the idea of visualization seemed to have a lot of potential. My life is my thoughts about it. Change my thoughts to amazing ones and eventually my reality will match them. It's like practicing life in your head untill it is real. Well not until it's real, you believe it's real from the begining. Pretty powerful stuff and i could see the benefits. Buuuut from a spiritual standpoint I believe it is flawed. Visualization only creates greed and more thought of a self. The whole point of the practice is to have what you deeply desire. Where on the other hand meditation is the dropping of desire and ego through awareness, where visualization embraces it. Visualization: Promotes idea of self Promotes desires Infiniteley chases desires Meditation (Mindfulness): Promotes awareness Enables understanding of desires Possible "end" of karmic cycle What do you think? P.S. My belief about visualization being flawed makes it flawed. Lol.
  9. This past week I have been struggling with socializing. It's just my thoughts, ideas fly around and affect me. I've been doing mindfulness meditation for 8 months now and now i can carry it into my daily life a bit more now. Into my school life. Before meditation school was just one unconscious fuck fest. People, homework, sports, girls all contributed to my uncoscious robot routine. For 3 years i created my highschool ego. Smart, strong, athlete, musician, funny, ok with the ladies. but my last year ive gained some awareness and beginnign t inquire. So basically the more mindfull i am the less I am highschool me. What's been bothering me, or highschool me, is that I'm changing. The more conscious i am the less highschool adam lives. And i get depressed you know. I think Im a loser. Im turning introvert with focusing on actualizing so my social life has decreased and my stimualtion. and i know this to be true because sometimes i can just let me guard down (not be mindful) and my ego has fun, it goes crazy, talks to everyone, does pranks, gets in peoples faces, its cool, but i feel at the end of the day im just fucking exhausted What do you think? Ego backlash? Am i repressing my needs? Can i mindfully incorporate that part of me? Or does this sound stupid and Im wasting my time? Thanks.
  10. @aurum Thanks for the awesome response. I think you're right, it's part of the path and shouldn't be rejected, in fact it's part of my biology. So I'll enter the game, not because i need to, or because I feel unfullfilled, just solely to have fun and express myself as a human. P.S I'll tell you when i get laid
  11. So I'm 17, never had a girlfriend, made out with a couple girls before but that's the farthest I've been. Don't have the best pick up skills at the moment, but I think I underestimate myself. I know some girls who like me and honeslty if i get in the right mindset I'm Alpha. I'm 3 months into NoFAP, feel good, lots of energy, and a clean mind for dating. But the only thing that's holding me back is myself. My level of consciousness. I think I'm better then girls because they are clueless and that I'll be wasting my time just chasing pussy and stimulation. Is it a worthy goal? I have been feeling down lately, my ego is becoming a introvertish type over the past 6 months. I've changed my life a lot to self-actualize and after a 3g shroom trip I had last night I think I need to take a break. I can just be mindful of the depression, loneliness, and stuff. Or I can go out and have FUUUN. I think I need to get this out of the way. A lot of people say you should know what you have before you lose it. I did this last year, went out with a girl just for fun and I ended up doing nothing after the date. I wasn't in love in the first place, just thinking with my dick. What's your opinion???
  12. You just sit down and be present. Drop all expectations for what you want out of the music. Make your first note pierce the silence. Feel it. Don’t try to do anything. To sound like something, or to be good. Whatever comes out is the music accept it and move with it. THEN GO FUCKING CRAZY. SMASH THE KEYS, PULL THE STRINGS, SCREAM ITS ALL PART OF THE CELEBRATION. just realize that anything you do is music, feel it, enter it, and watch it grow, play with it then lay it to sleep.
  13. This process works but is very hard to do mainly because of lack of mindfulness. If you can't keep a steady flow of mindfulness before, during, and after the event then it wont be as effective. This alone got me out of my porn addiction. You have to let yourself do it. Let yourself be a dirty piece of shit. You can't deny that part of you. It's in there, you think it's not, you lie to yourself and say "oh that's just my lowerself, my ego". Nah nah nah, thats you. So get used to it. Let it burn itself out. @Process If your problem is negative thinking, positive thoughts won't do anything. Like leo said "Thoughts dont change other thoughts". Just let yourself be a witness to the negative thoughts, see where it takes you. Does it make you feel lazy, angry, anti-social? Be mindful of the whole process. Once you build enough awareness around the problem you gain some profound insights about it. So keep mindful. Keep strong!
  14. For me, it creates an experience of no-self. One becomes totally absorbed in the music that all sense of reality dissapears. If you close your eyes and really get into the music, into the not-knowing of existence, then playing an instrument is quite amazing. It's like a meditation, focus on the sounds, the feelings, and things will pop up. But it gets cool when mere sound can bring up emotions, sounds that you create. And when those emotions can be felt by others, then that is the ultimate form of communication.
  15. I just started doing this (8 days) and I have to say there is no better way to start the day. I wake up at 6 and jump in. The first few days were nice and refreshing but now im resisting it a bit more. But thats the point!!! I shall destroy the ego, cleanse my soul, and boost my immune system. Self-actualization winnnnn.