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About tyy

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  1. Today has been a productive day. Once again I was trying to practice being present while working. I tapped into what I would call a flow state, not allowing the potential dread to set in over work I had to get completed. The mud, unavailability of a co-worker, and work I had to redo all caused me no stress. Just trying to stay mindful of each process required to get my job completed. I know years ago that I probably would have thought about these tasks the night before, morning of, and during (pleading for it all to be over). Everyday doesn't go like this, but the number of relaxed days have increased for me. I forgot to note any feelings towards the recent deletion of Instagram off of my phone. A while back I put the icon on the second page of my phone, which did help decrease how often I would open it. It still was sucking too much of my time up though. I deleted it entirely last week and it was pretty much the easiest self-development step I could have taken. It would be nice if every positive action was as easy as the push of a button! I must of gotten so little from it because I have barely thought about it since. My exercise has been a little interrupted over the past few days. I did get to the gym last night for a weights session. Having days where I am required to miss the gym help me analyze my feelings and see what they are based out of. Am I stressed I missed the gym because I feel like I will look less fit? I would be lying if I said I wasn't. The shift is happening from beauty-focus to bettering my health, but these self-esteem issues aren't completely resolved. I want to finally get back to my Tolle book to finish it off. I took pictures of certain parts to review as reminders throughout the day. Gratitude: I am thankful I get to sleep in a little. I am thankful for help from my dad. I am thankful for Wednesday workshops.
  2. It's been another day with much chatter taking up space in my mind. More so at work, because I did not do anything to put me into a flow state today. I would say the majority of the thoughts are in regards to my personal development agenda and how it will mesh with what I will call the "everyday" or "society's" agenda. I think that there is definitely some content here to ponder; however, my mind runs a little wild at times. This is where I question myself, having OCD, if the amount of focus I put on topics is unnaturally obsessive or an unnoticed sign of intuition wanting to be heard. Tonight I meditated using my singing bowl. Back in counselling was the first time I was introduced to these bowls, to quiet racing thoughts. While driving earlier I was trying to note different landscapes I saw and how to paint them. It's funny, staring out at nature and trying to actually think, "what colour do I use to paint that?" My main focus was on how to paint a puddle. Conveniently it rained all day here! Gratitude: I am thankful for my neighbour's help. I am thankful for time with friends at the gym. I am thankful for food lined up to take to work.
  3. Well I didn't get all the way through "The Power of Now," but with a couple more sittings it will be done. I definitely plan to re-read it. A few of Tolle's insights have stuck with me over the past few days. First, the cycle of success and failure, and how the mind judges the up cycle as good and the down cycle as bad. Growth is considered positive but nothing can grow forever. The down cycle is essential for this spiritual work. Second, the state of surrender, focusing on separating away from a situation and surrendering to what is. I have tried to be mindful of this while working. It was true that I had a whole street of curb to layout; but, focusing on the one station I was at, while doing the one task I could do, seemed to keep my mind more grounded. I could be wrong but I think this was a catalyst to develop good "flow" while working. Over the weekend I was fairly active. I got in 5km of rowing (on the machine), minimal weights, played some soccer and did hill sprints. The richest time was spent doing the hill sprints with my mom. I admire her doing them with me at the age of 55. Before and after the sprints we were able to walk in nature and I can talk to her about topics I would discuss in here. I also tried painting again. This time went much better and I feel I reached a flow state, resulting in a work in progress that I am proud of. I laid down all the background colours and will go back sometime now that it has dried. When I meditated yesterday I thought of trying the do-nothing technique. It makes me wonder if I have been in meditative states at times throughout life without being aware. I was never one to just have a TV on for noise and would often sit alone in silence. Meh, what difference does it make anyways? The only thing that matters is me meditating now. Gratitude: I am thankful for a productive morning. I am thankful my breathing is clear. I am thankful for the relationship I share with my mom.
  4. Last night I watched some of the life purpose course and then an older one of Leo's videos, where he discusses the happiness spectrum. I find myself spread all throughout the scale. After a year I would like to have the life purpose course completed, and a larger shift from the hedonic end of the scale. I can definitely acknowledge that most of my gym career thus far has been influenced by the beauty section of the happiness spectrum. It's been a constant obsession to look better, up until recent times. I feel I don't show that fact in the gym, often covering my body up, but in my head it is playing a big part in motivation. I think around January-ish is where I had a shift in perspective and began to slowly move away from the beauty element. There is still much work to go though. I was able to get a temporary meditation area set up yesterday, which I am hoping will aid in improving this habit. Shortly after I used insight timer, a small hit of weed, and a third eye stimulation video to meditate. Looking back now it seems like I was experience hunting. About half of the way into it I took out my headphones; I had an urge to have a more natural meditation. Time for some more Tolle! Gratitude: I am thankful for my friends. I am thankful for time alone with the cats. I am thankful for sunny mornings.
  5. TGIF. I am really glad the weekend is approaching for the sake of some additional free time. My head has been full of chatter. It's a steady stream of thoughts about enlightenment, work, my relationship, and the future. I come in here, write in this journal and go against the wisdom written by Tolle and many others. Having my mind race about past situations / pain and worry about what the future holds is going to do me no favors. I think meditation can be the answer. A swirling thought is the idea of how the universe unfolds in a way to test me. This immediately makes me think of my relationship, and if it is solely on this path to test whether I choose the route of the ego or Truth. I do have a desire for Truth. I have been diagnosed and medicated for OCD (I think it's mild/moderate), which I am hoping isn't the force driving these thoughts. I want to be on this spiritual journey while not have that causing any compulsive actions. I have made plans to have another actualized.org night with my friends this weekend. I think I will probably finish "The Power of Now," too. I need to set up a consistent meditation zone as well. Mixed in with those daily activities will be my weight training and cardio. Gratitude: I am thankful my back pain improved. I am thankful for my gym. I am thankful for Explosions in the Sky.
  6. I seem to have regressed, meditation-wise. It has been a struggle to empty my mind, let alone sit down for a session. Last night I used my app to try and assist me and that was not bad. This morning I did the same thing and my mind wondered throughout. Maybe this could be because I allowed a few days to pass without meditation on the weekend. I have also noticed more anxiety creeping in when thinking about work situations, and my mood has been lowered since the weekend. I don't doubt that all of the above is tied together. If it spawns from meditation then all I can do is get back on track. If it spawns from work then I have allocated time to complete the life purpose course. At the core of this mediocre-feeling patch is the fact that I am focusing on past and future, instead of the now. This wave of emotions will pass. Last night I attended the discussion group and the topic was fear. My main takeaway from the night was a refresher insight to continue to exit my comfort zone. I haven't done that in a couple weeks. I wouldn't say hockey is outside of my comfort zone any more. What will be next? If I write any more on here it would be solely to lengthen this post, which is unnecessary! Gratitude: I am thankful for everything in my lunch. I am thankful to have a personalized role at my work. I am thankful I have clean clothes to wear.
  7. Back to the daily grind today; the long weekend has come and gone. I can't complain though, I get off work early today which means I get some much needed relaxation time before the gym. Because of an ankle issue (from hockey) and over worked shoulders (from lifting), the gym hasn't been as intense as it could be. That being said, I will be going later to train my arms and do some cardio. I am seeing progression with the cardio; yesterday I rowed without a break for 12 minutes (with decent intensity). On the elliptical I have been doing 30 minute sessions. Over the weekend I tried my hand at painting. I honestly can't remember the last time that I tried to paint. It certainly proved to me that I need to learn more about the craft. I will need to be very decisive and confident with my brush strokes as well. My weekend was not weed free, but I did not consume more than one hit on each night it was present. I have had the odd pop here and there, depending on where I am, but it's still down from 1+ per day. The only minor indulgence was Easter chocolate! Overall my mood was good all weekend. I try to remember things that Leo & Eckhart say throughout every day. Oh, I also incorporated concentration training into cardio. Instead of watching the time I focused solely on the rowing machine chain and counted each pull. It made the session seem quicker (even without having music in my ears). Gratitude: I am thankful for April weather. I am thankful my girlfriend's Easter went well. I am thankful for electric clippers.
  8. I've been loving this weekend so far. Been busy, but not complaining. Last night my two former smoking partners & I had our first discussion group, without any weed of course. I brought my laptop over and we all watched some Leo videos and talked about the subjects we picked. We plan to do this instead of getting high, probably once a week or so. Also, I am excited to have to people in my close circle that I can discuss these different topics with. I have been listening to Leo for so long, and have had things I've wanted to discuss with others, but to most people who are unfamiliar with these topics it is just too difficult at times. My meditation has slacked in the last day or two, but I feel I have been more conscious throughout each day to try and meditate while doing different activities. I have been deep in "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle (mentioned in many other posts by me) and trying to soak it all in. I will definitely read it a second time. Just from one reading session alone, I jotted down these notes (not claiming as my own words or insights, they are Eckhart's): Eternal source > presence > we return there every night, and throughout the day while meditating > part way along is lucid dreaming. Form is emptiness; emptiness is form. Mind makes nothing into something. Nothing is all there is. Every life, or form, dissolves. If there is no illusion, there would be no enlightenment. One last chance to meet the unmanifested before death. Amazing stuff. Every sentence in the book is profound. I am new to his books, and books of this nature in general if you can't tell! Gratitude: I am thankful for good meals. I am thankful for visits from my mom. I am thankful I never go to bed hungry.
  9. It's good Friday indeed. Forgot to drop in here yesterday, oh well I am here now. Last night I had the house to myself and it was a peaceful night. I sat outside for my meditation session, and sound seemed to be the focal point. Well I don't know if I would say I was focusing on sound, just allowing every different sound to happen while not labelling what is was in the visual field. This took care of the monkey mind for the most part. Near the end I opened my eyes while trying to keep the same meditation flow going, like I learned in a walking meditation course. In past years, a night home alone like this would have had me itching to smoke weed. My thought would have been, "it's the long weekend, and you aren't going to celebrate it?" The celebration usually meant getting stoned. I did incorporate some lower conscious activities into the night, but no smoking. Before I went to bed I watched some more Sadhguru videos on YouTube. I enjoy listening to him. This morning I woke up and read more of my Tolle book. Every time I start the day with it I feel I gain new practical knowledge I can use throughout the day. What I will try to do today is feel my inner body while engaged in everyday activities. The rest of the day will probably be made up of weight training, cardio, maybe some sport and then later meeting with friends to start up our own discussion group / workshop. My girlfriend is going to start playing on a soccer team so I may suggest we go out to practice, since there is so much fun and we have the day off. Gratitude: I am thankful for all the access to information I have. I am thankful for natural light in my living room. I am thankful for silence in the house.
  10. I'm interested to hear insights regarding this as well, closing an eye etc. Also, how about when you focus on an object and somehow (I don't know what the eyes are actually doing) you distort the vision and see two or three of them?
  11. It was a pretty standard day today, with more improvement in my mood in comparison to Monday. The work day went by quickly and then it was gym, cold shower, and a hangout with my sister. Another thing I did today was read some of the best of threads that are on this forum. I came across a post talking about a meditation app, insight timer, so I thought I'd look into it. It seems pretty cool to do every now and then. I listened to a guided meditation by Mooji. I am just eager to get into my bed at the moment. Maybe I'll reflect more tomorrow. Gratitude: I am thankful my plans worked out. I am thankful to have friends interested in personal development. I am thankful for my protein shake earlier.
  12. My mood has improved since yesterday. I am sure I wasn't as pleasant to be around as normal when I got home, and my girlfriend could sense it. I mentioned that I was frustrated, but did not go into great detail. Part of me felt I needed to speak my mind unfiltered (sometimes my straight to the point doesn't go well with her), while part of me felt I should use the situation to self reflect instead. I was dwelling on past days, while catastrophizing the future in my thoughts, all over sex. If a situation arises again and I need to speak my opinion regarding this matter, I definitely will, but as of right now I am content with paying no more attention to it. I am glad I went to hockey last night. That rut I was in was making me not want to, but then I did and felt a lot better after. It was nice to skate hard and then cold shower, before going to bed. It also improved our situation since she likes to come watch as well. Each week has gotten better for me in regards to my skill level. Meditation went better than yesterday, but still not quite a success. I think I may be in too much of a trance immediately out of bed. I literally get out of bed and go to my meditation spot and start. Maybe brushing teeth before or something will help me transition. This may be my only "official" time of sitting I set aside for myself, but I do think during the day I get bits of meditation in here and there. Earlier today I wrote another poem; it's content sprouts from time with my nephew and goddaughter, and topics I read. Young children living their lives so raw and free, Exploring their imagination each day. Should they sing and dance or maybe climb a tree? A fearless intuition will guide the way. Minds free of pollution allow them to see Our world before ego causes mass melee. If only children could stay in this pure state, Peace in the world would blossom at a quick rate. Not completely sold on how it flows but all of the lines work with the same syllable count, and I think where I wanted to go with it panned out. Gratitude: I am thankful I am disease-less. I am thankful for a new friend. I am thankful to have means to buy hockey gear.
  13. Today feels kind of like an off day. It seems like there are emotions stirring inside of me, for a few reasons. I have been reading Tolle's "The Power of Now" and have been trying to keep his words in my head. I felt I was successful at doing so while I was outside working, but while driving and sitting in the office I am not feeling enough peace. While I know my uneasiness is caused by ego-related problems, it is hard to shake. Some of it arises from a sexual issue with my girlfriend. The rest I think is from my current work situation. Either way, it is all past and future related. I just need to keep learning how to stay more and more present. I started the day with my meditation, but it was not a good session (same issues impacting it). My monkey mind was in full swing. I have made plans to substitute smoking weed with watching LPC videos with my two former stoner friends. We were so consistent with our weekend hangouts to smoke, so I am hoping we can keep those going and turn them into our own small workshops. There is definitely enough content to keep us occupied. I do really want to get my top values in life straightened out. Gratitude: I am thankful for chapstick. I am thankful for a short work week. I am thankful I saw a fox earlier.
  14. Ah, the weekend has come and gone once again. Today was another great day; I was able to visit my nephew, train weights, meditate, read and get some everyday tasks complete. I kept Sadhguru's advice in mind while meditating, saying "hey monkey mind, let's focus on the breath please?" It ended up feeling like a good session. Also prevalent in my mind today was some of Eckhart Tolle's advice. It seems like every sentence in his book has so much value. I have smoked weed this weekend (not very much), but I am not beating myself up over it. I know I am on the right path and have made much progression from where I was. Other bad habits: pop is drastically reduced (with no major cravings), and energy drinks still happen on some days but I have had smaller ones or none on many days too. Gratitude: I am thankful for warm weather today. I am thankful my loved ones are safe. I am thankful for so much of my own time.