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About Timothy

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  1. @Truth contemplating the motive to get free of it would serve someone far greater
  2. From a spiritual standpoint I'd say yes because you would want something out of them
  3. My favorite song, it used to make me cry every single time
  4. Exactly! So what Peter Ralston teaches is that authenticity from a relative perspective, exists in different degrees. So with this music example, you could say that at first, I authentically wanted to make this kind of music. That's all I knew at the time. Then doing lots of contemplation, I saw that the music I was making was trying to construct an image of myself. A big image, a sexy image, a strong and capable image. But why? What is that trying to compensate for?... Oh I'm insecure. I can feel it through my whole being. I'm using this music as a manipulation to hide this insecurity. Ok good. Now authentically I know I'm insecure, so I go ahead and drop this music. And it wasnt an intellectual realization, I broke down in tears on my retreat and felt how insecure and vulnerable I was. You have to truly feel it. It hurts Anyways, now that I've stopped making music for attention, I focus on music that makes me feel good! Makes me cry and experience love n such. I dont focus on validation, I just care about the beauty (not fully but I'm working towards it). So I've cut out the music that communicates ego, and I listen to music that communicates love and beauty, and amazing vibes. So you could now say that I authentically like high purpose music. Great that's way different than before and I actually enjoy doing it! So that may help you. ...... But how can we take this even deeper? This is where I'm at now. What is this so called "beautiful, high purpose" music trying to do? What is true in my experience that motivates me to pursue this experience of beauty?... Oh my God I fundamentally feel empty and unhappy. This is why I'm desperately pursuing a beautiful expericne through music. Now I have an authentic desire to resolve this emptiness. See how this works? So instead of listening to music trying to resolve this emptiness, I just focus on the emptiness and now that's my endeavour that I want to complete. Because it's this emptiness motivating all my actions that the actions themselves can never resolve. Of course there's a difference between enjoying music and chasing experience through music, but for me, I chase experience all the time. And that's what's hurting me. So my authentic desire now is to resolve this emptiness and insecurity. I don't see myself every giving up at this because I desperately want to be happy and for now, that's authentic.
  5. @BjarkeT haha sorry to mislead you I was just kidding. But here I'll actually contribute. I'm a musician so I've started and also not finished many music projects. I have a decent personal recording studio also so it's a lot of fun. I attended the Peter Ralston retreat and learned so much. One thing I learned was staying on purpose. Which can also mean: why am I actually doing something? What's the actual purpose of this endeavour I'm engaging in? And this also ties into authentic behaviors and desires. Is this endeavour I'm doing a manipulation to get something out of it? Attention, fame, trying to prove a point etc. Am I trying to suck things out of people that I want? Or am I actually contributing? I was working on an album. Told people I was gonna release it, and do a big release party. After I attended the retreat, I cancelled the album a few months later. Only completed about 4 songs. I actually wasnt event that passionate about this particular music I was making. I was trying to be this big front man like John Mayer or someone. It was mostly for the attention. And I cant maintain that image of myself because I know I'm actually insecure so I have to stay true to that, and of course dig in even more to get underneath. Of course I was also looking forward to gaining recording skills and singing skills on this project, but those were secondary motives. I actually really like beautiful, emotional and even feminine music that makes me cry and experience a whole range of emotions! And my music was trying to be cool and badass which was a misalignment. So I cancelled the project. I'm very happy with my choice. Now I work on music I actually love and it's way easier to complete a music project because it's on a more authentic level of what I love, and that makes it more contributive rather than value taking. Some might think that it's out of integrity to tell people that I'm gonna do something then not do it. In my case I'm so happy I dropped this project. If something done is on a flawed purpose that doesn't give you joy, help people, and show love and beauty, then you have every right to drop it and never complete it. Selfish endeavours dont deserve my completion. There's so much garbage put out in the world that I don't want to add on to any of it. I'd rather spend my whole life time trying to create something truly beautiful and not putting it out there, than having something decent and getting it well recognized. That's where I'm at. Not sure if you can relate to this but this is my personal experience.
  6. @BjarkeT look up kylo ren. you're welcome.
  7. @Nexeternity So what actually grounds you in being a confident person now? Did you actually work through the root issue? Even if I were to carry myself with stage green values, it would still be an act and not authentic. I'm close to the root of my insecurity, and it is very difficult to experience. I feel like I'm ripping off a mask and it is very painful. But what's even more painful is holding on to characteristics in any way. Even if I had a positive characteristic like being known for a skill, that's still something to carry around and is still a burden for me and is very painful to carry around. That's what I noticed for me. I have a strong desire to be someone who doesn't carry around or hold onto anything at all. Conceptual identifications, victories, hoarding validation, even being a sexual, masculine being. For me, this is a burden. But very painful and scary to let go of. Holding onto theory and knowledge even hurts too for me. Of course, done so in a way that constructs a character. I have a strong desire to always be defenseless and open. That's why I can see the massive pain in holding onto even the most subtle things. My bottom line of this has something to do with: being unstable and completely un-grounded not inherently fitting in anywhere not inherently being special in any way having no defense no outward presence or driving force not masculine nor feminine Can you relate to any of this? Let me know thanks!
  8. @martin_malin Jesus that almost makes it sound like some of the program is a scam! Very disappointing to hear, but eye opening. I already strongly disagree with that system of diagnosing and administering medication to people so quickly like they do. Thanks so much for contributing.
  9. That's what I was worried about the most! One thing I absolutely hated about my grade 1-12 career is that I barely learned anything useful. Sad to hear post secondary is still that way (to a certain extent). Yes I hate the essay format, especially with my practice of honesty, which doing and intellectual analysis on something I don't care about won't be very authentic. @B3N So you don't want to be a liscened psychologist anymore? What happened there? Thanks so much for your reply by the way. So helpful @d0ornokey Wow that's shocking that most of the education they received didn't really help with their practical daily work! Also good to know that there's so much information on the internet available for any profession. I might try finding a diploma program that's more specific in training, or get creative and learn how to start a business or something
  10. Hi, I was wondering if anyone here has a psychology degree, or has at least taken some of the courses. I'm considering it, but want to know if it's right for me first. It is quite an investment. Ultimately I would aim to become a psychotherapist. Questions: Was the education given relevant for the work we are doing here? (Spirituality, introspection, and understanding based from direct experience.) Did the class time, homework, studying, and stress take away too much time that could have been used practicing spiritual techniques? What was some of the most interesting/cool things you learned? Was it worth it? Thanks a lot!
  11. @Leo Gura hehe I'm sure. I'm just unable to embody my soft, defenseless, compassionate side that I'm being pulled to very strongly. So I haven't yet experienced female attraction based off green values! Not even with guys I know of. Such a rare thing. I can't wait to get there. I know it's going to feel amazing, but I'm going through a process of letting go of my surface persona, it's very painful. Physically painful too. So much trapped energy mostly in my stomach contributing to this layer.
  12. @Leo Gura I personally feel most of my sexuality and desire is at stage orange and below. It's hard for me to imagine sex being had under the purpose of compassion, true love, beauty, vulnerability, and openness. Typically most girls I know arent turned on by these things. I'm excited to find out what my sexual desires will manifest as once I transcend orange. I have a feeling they will be radically different! Or maybe even gone! That's what I'm anticipating based off my experience of trying to grow as a person. Something in me wants to let go of sexuality all together it seems, or perhaps the lower stage motivations of it.
  13. What's true about me? Oh my God elastigirl I'm so attracted to you wtf why am I attracted to a cartoon character I'm so embarrassed about that what the hell. I'm actually embarrassed. I feel like a fan girl. I feel like that little kid still with starry eyes looking upon her and feel so weak and small in comparison. and I guess the issue is that I cant show this to people I know in the real world because they will know that I am not a strong, sexual, unnafected man that I'm supposed to me. Oh I didnt wanna say this but jeez I'm not as big as I show myself to be... like for real. It seems a huge component of my sexual attraction is seeing a girl who is sure of herself in a way that leaves little room for doubt. I've seen fake confidence, repelling confidence, neurotic high school girl popularity obsessed confidence, but I guess I dont know anyone in real life who has genuine confidence that cant be undermined, so I guess the movies are where that can exist. But what's true about me that makes me feel that way? I just have this vague sense that I feel like a nobody, with no value, no purpose, no personality. And this vague but strong pressure to be a certain way that can thrive in society and rise above others. I guess these feelings are motivating this attraction.