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About Timothy

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  1. Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
  2. @Mighty Mouse something about not having a sense of value, and not having anything about me that makes me special. But there's a lot of resistance around this so I haven't been able to feel it fully.
  3. @Mighty MouseHot women REALLY reveal my sense of insecurity haha. I like to go to busy malls with just the intent to focus on my insecurity.
  4. @Mighty Mouse @Omario My advice: Seek out to let other people's facades dominate you until you have a strong enough emotional reaction to contemplate. I was once working night-shift at a mall, helping set up Christmas lights. Most of the workers were religious and knew each other. I am an atheist and think religion is delusional of course. I debated with them casually and tried to shake some of their beliefs, I couldn't. I could sense how much their beliefs empowered them, giving them a sense of value and certainty above me. I felt like I was the only one who didn't get it and I felt irrelevant. The universe of self-actualization and enlightenment theory gives me my sense of certainty above others, but it felt threatened with their religious certainty. Normally religion doesn't have that effect on me funny enough. I'm seeing that fundamentally I am too weak on the inside to even carry myself with any sense of value or certainty whatsoever. So I'm working at dropping my sense of confidence and certainty, I never felt satisfied with them anyway. @Mighty Mouse Seeing past other people's facades is great, but watch out for unconsciously gaining superiority and value over them with that recognition. I've done this so many times it's ridiculous and I still do it often without even noticing. Btw, all the confidence I have ever had was in relationship to someone in my immediately perceived area being lower value than me. Some facades are too weak to dominate me, but others are so strong even when I know they are false. So I seek out to feel the reaction of being dominated by somone's confidence and certainty, so I can contemplate and get to the root of my own insecurity.
  5. @Leo Gura I'm sure it is magnificent. That sounds like the ultimate level though. I'm still in delusion and my entire life is run by fear. Fear of death, insanity, non-existence etc. @Emerald Thank you for your well written reply, I appreciate the support.
  6. @Hero in progress Thank you for your kind words and support I guess I can honestly say I am scared shitless of death and I originally got into this work to "better my self". I am currently reading that book, have been studying sections of it for a while now, but doing this work feels like approaching a black hole, and the closer you get, the more terrifying and unknown it becomes. I guess I could call this progress too haha I've grown more hesitant, and slowed down my existing contemplating practice by a lot! The fear is too hard to handle alone!
  7. @WelcometoRealityThanks for sharing that, much appreciated. For me its that I'm starting to doubt my ability to face any overwhelming fear that will probably come up in doing this work. I really do feel like a coward at heart, past all my layers of being a "strong courageous adult" that I want to be. I notice these layers tend to fall away and reveal my true inner coward when going deeper into that fear. I'm not sure if this is normal for most people who are working hard at this, but maybe I have more anxiety than the average person.
  8. @Hsinav Thanks for your input but nothing I haven't heard before. I didn't fully anticipate the depth of emotional trauma that would come up in doing this work. I was very naive and assumed my theoretical knowledge would get me through no problem. Most people on this forum are self-righteous commenters and think because they adopt a spiritual ideal and cling to it that they can try and correct people's issues with their new dogma rather than having a compassionate response that makes effort to understand their emotional issue. When an emotional issue such as fear of non-existence becomes real and fully present, that will overwhelm and trump our temporary stability that we have while clinging to a spiritual value.
  9. Hello Reader, I will be attending Peter Ralston's full and upcoming fall workshop series and contemplation intensive. For anyone who will be attending or who has attended in the past, please leave a comment. I'd love to get in touch with you! When I first signed up I was really excited and eager, but I'm getting fearful because I see that its gonna be a lot of hard work and anti-survival for a full month. I always knew this to be the case, but the true fear is starting to reveal itself past the initial and temporary glimmer of excitement based on false expectations. Doubts are arising in regard to going on the trip and even pursuing the absolute truth of existence. The pain in facing this seems unavoidably unbearable. How can I/we develop a genuine desire to fully commit to this work that is powerful enough to create the courage to push through the fear of death and non-existence? If there's anyone who can offer some advice on this (preferably based on their OWN PERSONAL EXPERIENCE), I think myself and many others would be greatly appreciated. NOTE: I see too many people on these forums spitting out theoretical information that is just a mechanical reaction rather than a compassionate understanding to a genuine question based on personal experience. So save your self-validating theoretical rant for another page, I'm looking for people who are actually dealing with this issue like I am. Thank you.
  10. @AleksM Hey thanks for posting this! I have a couple of questions if you wouldn't mind. 1st: It seems you have used your breathe for your object of focus in your 24/7 awareness practice. But let's say I was driving my car, interacting with someone, and needing to use my mind to solve some external problem at work or at home, what technique would I use in these cases? Being totally absorbed in my breathe while driving , let's say, would be dangerous because it requires visual focus on multiple objects to stay safe along with other mind factors etc. And my concentration skills aren't yet strong enough to practice vipassana (keeping track of multiple sensations). I was also curious what your meditation was like during the night (sleeping). 2nd: I'm glad you pointed out that a very strong intention to raise consciousness is the key to undergo this process. The problem with me and probably with most is that death is my biggest fear and that part of me is holding me back from a full commitment. I am only 20 years old and I've already exhausted many of my external pleasures, and I've been lucky to do so. Basically half of me is sick of the quality of life I am living, and the other half is terrified of death so I am having a hard time fully committing. I was curious how you yourself made it through your own death and how you were able to stay motivated and committed through such a terrifying and painful process. Any pointers you can leave on how I should approach my own death would be appreciated also. Thanks!
  11. Your radical open mindedness video was really great. It introduced us to Not-Knowing and the power of having a true state of openness. Contemplation and Self- Inquiry are super important and you have mentioned these over and over. In my personal practice, I am having a hard time trying to undermine my own beliefs and assumptions holding me back from this state of not knowing. As important as it is to undermine the "self" belief, I also noticed that undermining my peripheral beliefs and assumptions such as how I think the world works, the fact that I was even born, the world is round etc etc, helps bring me more to the moment. And we did this in your radical open mindedness video. But for the purpose of self inquiry and contemplation, I think if you gave us further techniques on how to get into this state, and maybe a step by step process highlighting what common assumptions we should undermine relevant to the self and our sense of reality, then we would be well on our way. Many people currently contemplating, such as myself, are wasting a lot of time searching for our selves rather than undermining ourselves and beliefs about reality. I feel very often when I am self-inquiring that I already know who I am, but other times I can become scared and feel very undermined. But it needs to be more consistent. A video on how to practice not knowing practically, would be sweet The books on your list are great for this, but I think it should be addressed more in your content. -I noticed how when I begin to move in that direction of not knowing, I begin to get scared and very emotional. I have had times where I have almost cried and wanted to stop the investigation. I have also had other times where my ego is like "I want to know now!" but I already felt like I knew who I was. I can now really appreciate how terrifying true not knowing and true spiritual development is. I haven't yet had a full terrifying existential episode, but it is almost like I can "see" it coming in this distance. And I am scared shitless. When I first got involved with this work, I was so naive and didn't actually think I would be facing my own death on this path. Holy smokes.