Throwing in the towel@kieranperez I think you're trying to do too much too fast. You gotta keep in mind that the stuff you learn from me is extremely advanced stuff that takes years and decades to put in place. I share a very big picture of your potential, the downside of which is that it can seem impossible to achieve, so far away.
This is sort of the curse of a lofty vision.
Baby steps man. You are still super young and your whole life is ahead of you. You have plenty of time to create a great life.
Focus now on building a vision and cultivating hope. You want to enjoy the process of assembling your life. It's fun. Don't make it a grind.
Desire, Faith, and Surrender - An Inspiring UpdateI want to give an update on my journey that hopefully inspires you. I apologize in advance for it being rather long but hopefully my boring story ends up proving worthwhile for you.
So for those of you whom are familiar with my posts (though don't confuse that with actually knowing my background and story) may be familiar that I've been going through a hard time for pretty much the last 10+ years. For those that aren't, I'll give you some backstory that hopefully doesn't bore you too much.
Since the age of 11 (I'm 24 now) my family has had to deal with a lot. One of my parents became seriously mentally ill and since I was in 6th grade and my brother at the time when he was just 4 or 5, we had to make sure our parent didn't kill themselves on a regular basis. This went on till I was 22 when our family fell apart. I've always struggled in school and with people due to a very hard case of ADHD and also harassment. I always knew I was intelligent but I always felt like I was a failure because that's all my life seemed to reflect. I've always been extremely ambitious to the point of delusion in most cases. School was a really big challenge for me, especially as I became more independent in high school as I was just in a program that just doesn't suit kids that have things like genuine ADHD. This created such a schism in me because I always had big goals but I was always failing. I knew I "had it" but nothing ever came together. I also was dealing with a lot of mental health stuff with what went on in my house and in myself. As I suffered more, the more I didn't know who I am. When I was junior, I got pulled out of school because I went to my counselor saying I was ready to die. Next thing I know, high school is over after I came back and finished senior year, I didn't accomplish any single goal I set and I wasn't even going to a university. I felt like both life and myself and had let me down. Both Fall and Spring semester of my first year in junior college I left early as a result of not going to classes I couldn't sit through anymore. As a competitive runner, my running just became more and more meaningless. Once I left school I never finished a single season of neither cross country or track season I committed to. I eventually found myself in a hospitalization program which is also where I found meditation.
Later on I got into personal development through Tony Robbins after listening to so many motivational videos on YouTube. I couldn't keep going on my own but these things sparked something (my love for life I still had left). I couldn't believe what I was finding and I just devoured everything, though it was still neurotic. My desire for growth was projected as an aggression to "prove them wrong" and maintain that winner. This became exhausting until I realized all of that was based on the fact that I really felt hurt because I felt like a loser and I felt hurt. The competitiveness and desire to succeed no longer made sense.
It wasn't until I found a Sam Harris guided meditation with Self-Inquiry at the end when I realized the most important question I've ever had... who am I? After that first sit (as painful as it was) I realized I didn't know who I am. How can I live not know who I am? Who is that's aware of "me"? What is it that's aware of "me"? If I'm aware of me is to be aware that I'm not me!?!? How can I honestly live a life not knowing who I am and say that I've fucking done anything of any significance? Then I found @Leo Gura and I finally felt like I was listening to me on the other end. I found a resource that embraced and encouraged every single thing I've ever found important and wanted to know. Philosophy was important. Having a life purpose and doing something big and doing something important does matter and should be pursued. I can't live not knowing who I am. Knowing that is important. Then I found Om Swami's memoir and then I realized "this is my life. This is what I'm here to do. This is the only thing I've ever really wanted. This is exactly what I've been looking for."
Despite all that, I still struggled for many years. Being as depressed as I was, I was crying every single day because I was listening to Leo and I was really starting to realize what life is meant to be and getting clear on what is most important to me but I couldn't live any of it. I was sleeping in the same bed as my dad at 23 with no future. 'I can't REALLY do what Leo or any of the people alive and in the past have done!' This burning desire though just wouldn't shut off to the point where I felt it was torturing me. I was working in a retail job that I just hated myself for going to. How and why did I end up here?! WHY?!!? One of my best high school friends was the #1 overall pick in the NFL draft! My friends represented the USA in running and I used to kick the shit out of them in a race! I'm embarrassed to show my face to people!
Then after one post on the forum here I got an offer to come out here in New Jersey to sell pest control going door-door. Door-door sales? That's the hardest form of sales! I can't even keep eye contact, not mumble and stutter and stand straight! However, being the good salesman, now one of my best friends, convinced me that I had the chance to maybe earn $55k this summer. Having no real sales experience and only a month and a half in advance notice (other guys on the team were Mormon missionaries who prepped about a year in advance for this) I accepted it, terrified of what my future was. However... I couldn't go another day looking myself in the mirror feeling the shame and rage towards myself by staying and having sleep with my dad still at 24, having never taken any chance. I knew I HAVE TO DO THIS.
After my first week of sales and putting in 12 hour days and not having made a single sale I already had multiple meltdowns. Social dynamics and literally forcing the way I interacted became the development I was really running from. I realized how and why I struggle with eye contact. I realized how and why I talk so fast. Having to change all of this in order to survive demanded a transformation and look myself in the mirror and forced a change. I then realized after 5 days how I literally was a different person. I talked different. My being was different. I slowed down my speech. I could hold eye contact. I felt more grounded. When looking at a video of myself a month before I came out I couldn't believe what I was looking at. The seed was planted. However I did have to switch to being a service pro. Sometimes there's only so much pressure a person can take before suffocating. Sometimes pressure on a stone can create a diamond. It can also cause it to get crushed.
Despite the transition, I was now living in a unit I was paying for. I cleaned after myself and I loved it. I loved cleaning my mess. it forced me to be honest about my inadequacies and after emotional turmoil I started to... just do it. The more I "did it", the more my word slowly began to gain power again... despite many relapses. I was cooking for myself. I was working 60-75 hours a week. The hours hurt and the more I felt overwhelmed the more my burning desire for truth burned in my heart painfully. "Why am I out here?!" "What do I want?!... I don't know!" "What impact do I want to have on the world?... I DON'T KNOW!" The fatigue and exhaustion from the hours hurt. I wanted to be free. I wanted to be int he mountains. I wanted to heal. However... I also loved this. I was changing. I was taking on responsbility and I noticed that I was actually changing. My word started having power. I was becoming more confident. I was learning to relax my entire body when I felt extreme stress and could literally let go. Good days became more consistent, despite the still pretty consistent emotional volatility. My faith started to increase. I started to really inspect my unconscious mind through various exercises I was creating. Deeper clarity started to emerge. I even got to meet @winterknight!
Then today I was called into my manager's office and was told I was either gonna be laid off because we had too many workers at our location or they were going to move me to a different location. I immediately realized "they have an office in Denver/Boulder, CO" which is where I was planning on trying to maybe move to if all worked out (which it didn't seem like it was). Then I immediately asked if I could be moved over there. They immediately said yes and they would fly me out and I wouldn't have to pay rent. Not only that I could keep the job and reduce my hours as I could go to therapy and get psychoanalysis done in order to really finally heal. I left the office screaming YES! I immediately emailed Integral Zen leader Doshin Roshi whose close with Ken Wilber and am now in contact with him. I'm also around other enlightened teachers like David Loy and many others in that area. My plan is to really meet these people and study under them as best as I possibly can and so far, this is starting to seem doable... and I can't fucking believe it. I'm finally going to get the healing I need, I'm now going to do serious fucking consciousness work and I have ways of even traveling....
How? How did this happen? Why? Why did this happen? The two questions that I felt the most negatively when I uttered them now bring great gratitude. Was it because I wanted this so bad that I couldn't live without it and there was some law of attraction thing that set in? Maybe. Whose to really confirm that and say definitely? One answer I can say with confidence is that I had faith and I took what little of it I had left and jumped... and I had very little of it left. I had faith though because I knew, not that my life mattered, but that I can't waste this. I refuse to fucking let my life go. When I see Leo post a picture of how overweight he was in his 20s and when I see his videos I see and hear the heart of someone whose driven to serve this world, that's fucking real. Not some cute talk about metaphysics and parrot nondual blabber. I knew I had to keep going because I DO love life. I can't fall back asleep and ignore all that I know I yearn for... and I invite you to do the same... Take the leap and claim the responsibility that you will do this. Whatever "this" is. Throw yourself into a situation that DEMANDS you grow and DO IT. When you're put into a situation by your own hand that's hard, look at yourself and also feel yourself in that moment. Awareness ALONE is curative. When you're aware of how much you lie to yourself, how much you cheat yourself, how much you ruin your own happiness, how much you deceive yourself of your own love for yourself, how much you mask your own selfishness, how much you shirk your responsiblity in this world to others, how you play victim and watch yourself doing it... THEN your life will change because you won't be able to tolerate it anymore. Then you will feel empowered, despite how many times you fall back. That's how this is done. I'm one of the most skeptical people I've probably met and also one of the most cynical. If I can have faith in the shit I've gone through, so can you. Take back your life. Not because you have to but because you love life.
Thank you Leo for helping me cultivate the faith and show me a new path in life. I don't want to know where I'd be if I didn't find your channel. Thank you for showing me. I hope one day I can live that which you're realizing one day and be of service to the world like you are.
2017 in review, or why I no longer need actualized.org
2017 in review, or why I no longer need actualized.org5-MeO will help someone move from the unexperienced questioning of Yellow to the experienced understanding of Turquoise.
Absolute Truth goes beyond all philosophy, all description, and all conversation - and 5-MeO shows you that real quick.
But the more important thing about 5-MeO was the disappointment I felt from realizing that it does jack shit for helping you get to the next level of life. That is, its most useful aspect was the feeling of 'okay, so I've gone to the ends of the Kosmos within and I still have all this bullshit to take care of -- let's stop fucking around with drugs and lets do something with our lives.'
I kept denying the fact that no normal person understands the importance of 5-MeO because, to them, its just another kid taking drugs except now that kid has a huge spiritual ego who thinks it makes him a superhuman god and all he has to show for it is repeating the phrase "you don't understand -- it's infinite, you're infinite, we're infinite! It's all a Cosmic game!'
And look, I get that they're largely unawakened and don't understand the history of psychedelics in personal development, but they do have a point - if you're useless before 5-MeO, you're still useless after 5-MeO unless you take total responsibility
Another way to put it is that, I realized that the difference between Turquoise and Coral is the difference between talking Truth (using one's voice as a way to inspire people at higher levels who already get it anyway) vs embodying Truth (using one's life to inspire people at all levels). As Frank Zane might put it, making one's outside as beautiful as one's inside and vice versa.
Again, 5-MeO will get someone to want to talk Truth -- but the only people who will understand what you're saying already understand what you are saying.
Embodying Truth physically will inspire Truth in people at all levels.
How many people on this forum need several years of study before they even begin to understand Eckhart Tolle? Mooji? Ramana Maharshi? It's not that what these guys are saying is wrong per se, but why is it that it takes so many people so many years to get it? They use the wrong medium, as talk is useless when it comes to Truth.
How many people on this forum need several seconds to understand Bruce Lee? Ido Portal? Rickson Gracie? Laird Hamilton? For these guys living their life is itself a form of True Art - an expression of Truth meant to inspire others. Anyone who watches 5 seconds of these guys feels inspired in the same way that it might take the so-called spiritual masters 5 hours (if you buy their $600 DVD set). Thats the difference.
The fact that first question you ask after reading the above list is the role of 5-meo, and not the role of any of the other things I did shows me you are asking the wrong damn questions.
Ask about the role of discipline.
Ask about the role of accountability.
Ask about the role of quitting my addictions.
Ask about the role of finding a reality check mirror.
Ask about the importance of death as a physical practice.
Psychedelics, NDEs, Holotropic Breathing - those forms of death are for babies.
If 5-MeO got me to where I'm at, then I would stop everything I'm doing, start selling 5-MeO and become the richest man to have ever lived in all times.
The MINDBODYSOUL will unlock its true potential only when pushed to its fucking limit in a real life situation that requires complex action for a simple solution, from one's own volition. It makes perfect sense from an evolutionary perspective, as animals only have to put in as much energy as necessary.
Of course you don't know enlightenment or ultimate power because you of course don't need it. you don't need enlightenment to sit around answering forum questions. you don't need enlightenment to make videos. you don't need enlightenment to fill out forms at a desk all day. So why the fuck unlock that power?
What makes Ralston different from other teachers is not his ability to pontificate about nothing, but the fact that he participated in bloodsport of his own volition.
I'm talking about pushing yourself to the type of death that no one can question, from all angles, from one's own volition.
Most people can easily question psychedelic death. Most people can question holotropic breathe death. And most NDEs come as a result of an accident or someone making a mistake.
No one can question a rear-naked choke. No one can question drowning in a 50-ft wave. No one can question climbing Mt. Everest Shirtless - you chose that shit.
I am one of the few people who've tried both forms of death approach and I can tell you that there is a huge difference that goes beyond all philosophy, all argument, and all discussion - just fucking do it and you will see.
But as long as one sits there searching for an answer by isolating oneself or sitting around staring at a wall or imbibing yet another psychedelic, there's really no reason for the body to unlock itself.
I will know you got unstuck the moment you start showing your self outside, moving, interacting, doing, and not just talking in your videos. I will know you got unstuck the moment we see you physically tackling your fears and getting yourself into the shape of a warrior. I will know you got unstuck the moment you stop treating physical play like just another thing and you start emphasizing it as one of the ultimate foundations of human development.
Until then, you shall remain stuck. Worse, your life purpose will be capped off at level turquoise, which sucks because the world really doesn't need yet another turquoise mouth-yapper. And I say that in the most loving way because I feel genuinely helped by you and now I genuinely want to help you. There's literally no one else who is going to tell you that because no one else is aware enough and cares enough.
So, for Everyone reading this, here's the shit that I did with my life that is way more important than 5-meo ever will be:
Quitting the PMO cycle Quitting Sugar Quitting all drugs, all alcohol, all junk entertainment Exploring new exercise regimens, culminating in the following schedule Monday - Powerlifting Tuesday - Jiu Jitsu Wednesday - Acroyoga Thursday - Capoeira Friday - Calisthenics & Sprints Saturday - Hiking Committing to wake up before 9 AM every morning like an adult Writing quality works. Not just journaling. Not just sketching ideas. Not just writing stream-of-conscisouness articles. Making something that might become a perennial hit every time you sit down to write. Notice that my upvotes per post on this forum is the highest out of anyone with more than 100 posts - even Leo himself. That's not a coincidence. Quality writing is quality thinking - the process of editing for good and bad sentences is itself editing for good and bad ideas. Put it this way, I wouldn't tackle a difficult mathematics problem without writing down the variables on paper. So, why would contemplating a life problem be any different? Life's problems have far more variables than mathematics problems. Write down your best ideas on the nature of love, the nature of life, the nature of consciousness. Edit them so that no one can touch your arguments when it comes to communication - then you will see that no one can touch you when it comes to dominating life. Reading quality material, not random listicles Cultivating quality relationships, excising any and all people who hold me back from higher potential. Making sure my top 5 people will leave legacies - anyone that you know will not leave a legacy must be excised, no exceptions if you don't have 5 people like this in your life, find them. Your lack of people to trust is not a sign that you're an enlightened genius, but a sign that you're a boring asshole. Only you can stop you from being an asshole. So stop letting yourself be so lonely - start being the type of person who provides so much value, others come along. For real, the isolation I see around here is unacceptable bullshit. Wake up and provide value. Period. Getting a reality-check mirror - someone interested in self-actualization at my same level who could help me iron out self-derived principles Refusing to date anyone who does not meet the Trinity rule If I see myself as badass as Neo, then I will only date someone as badass as Trinity. If I am not as badass as Neo, then I will make sure I am so that I am ready for my trinity. Taking 100% responsibility for my life Writing down a vision for what could go right in my life as well as a vision for the chaos and misery that will ensue if I don't take action. Do this stuff before taking 5-MeO and you will be ready to take 5-MeO. Do this stuff after 5-MeO and you will unlock the most amazing life imaginable.
5-MeO is an excuse to say you've gone as far as possible with psychedelics so you can move on with your life. Because if that couldn't save you, then life really is all about taking ownership. But it will be the direct proof of this fact that will help you.
So, to be clear, I highly highly recommend people take 5-MeO. Just don't think it will ever replace the other stuff.