Bogdan

Ok so I re-listened to the 9 stages of ego development part 2 episode for the 10th or 15th time or even more probably, and again, I'm just blown away by how much there is to unpack there. It's the first time I actually understood that I'm at the beginning of the strategist stage. Whereas before, for the last 3 years my ego was just slowly finding it's calm within the storm of confusion of it's Pluralist stage, THINKING it is surely at least Construct-Aware, still shook by the rapid growth and powerful awakenings this beautiful, talented mind has had in the last 5-6 years or so. The initial post I wrote in a frustrated moment, since I started studying Ken Wilber seriously for the first time, and was confused as to why I'm so far behind on the 4 quadrants. So I reached out to Leo to save me, lol which I am very grateful that he didn't respond, because I had this feeling of wasting his time, since he answered these questions so many times, and has explained them so well in his content. So just a quick apology for that, sir. I now understand that part of the deep tiredness I was feeling, was due to my ego constantly reaching for the higher stages, EXACTLY how Leo describes at the begining of The 9 Stages Part 3. Oh, the self-judgement turning into Love. So beautiful. I wasn't lazy, I was going TOO fast! (for MY personal situation) Now I can also see how my ego was doing this for the idea of being Leo's best student, because THEN something something, survival bla bla bla. Where, that doesn't make sense anymore, as Leo is MY MIND. My dream, My Creation, My Love, My Intelligence. And now, Life Purpose truly starts. Only now true balance can even begin to form. Just like in the pandemic, when I realized that I have zero doubt that Reality is Infinity (which was a couple of years AFTER the mystical experience that showed me that, mind you), now I'm seeing the dream clearly for the first time. I'm starting to awaken. For the infinitieth time. This never gets old, lol. @Razard86, I was open to everything you said, and I will rewatch those videos, but this above was what I was asking about. I feel like you didn't meet me where I was at, and just got excited to throw some theory at me, which I already know very well. Anyway, I am grateful for this forum and for Leo, and for my Self, dreaming this fucking incredible dream. How amazing that I Am! I Love You! Gonna go prepare for Ayahuasca now

@Razard86 I saved them in a playlist, I will re-listen to them. Thank you! <3 I will do a solo Ayahuasca trip tonight as well. @Leo Gura I would still love your feedback on this, or if you feel like giving me some guidance for my trip tonight.

@Razard86 thank you <3 I know this, and I connect to this direct experience daily. But I see that God wants to play mind games, that's why it constructs. So within the game of Growth, parallel to Awakening, how do I make sure I am actually growing my spiritual intelligence, besides learning, contemplating, meditating, growing a business and relationships, etc. Or are these even the questions I should be asking?

One thing that comes up is that I just need to trip more. I moved to a different country so I have access to psychedelics. Another is working on the different gaps I have in the quadrants from Integral Theory and the 9 stages. Because even though I say I am studying them, I haven't done it to a high standard yet, if I'm honest, and I am not satisfied with that. But aside from these things, I wanted to get feedback from you @Leo Gura from your current view on this, cause I feel there might be some thing that I'm omitting, that might be obvious to you from the way I'm speaking.

Usually when I have a question, before asking it here I contemplate and find the answer on my own. But with this one I feel I could use some guidance. So from what I understand now, we have two sides to our work - direct consciousness or Awakening, and then we have deconstructing survival, climbing up the ladder of SD, the 9 stages, becoming integral thinkers, right? So I would like to ask you Leo: 1. Could you give some pointers of the main techniques of deconstruction? 2. What are more powerful questions I can be asking myself about this subject? What I've been doing lately aside from studying you, Ken Wilber and the 9 stages is reminding myself multiple times a day of Solipsism, how every perception is created by infinite Love and Intelligence, but I feel I can take things to a more organized & structured next level.

@woohoo123 very nice!

Hello and welcome!

@Leo Gura Thanks for clarifying.

I had tears in my eyes I was finally about to go into the 5-meo experience, after all these years of preparing for it I had a facilitator, I took a long toke, and by the end of that toke, I was already being overwhelmed, and time stopped making sense. The facilitator closed my eyes and guided me to fall back on the pillows I kinda was blasted almost instantly into that "holy shit, back here again" psychedelic state, where it's only me, and everything dissolved into this sort of Torus or Vortex type of shi and there I was sort of But this stuff is really hard to remember, and right at the beginning there was this process of relaxing my body so much that I never EVER felt that type of relaxation, and the trip kinda was saying that I have to let go of ALL of it, right now. And my ego was kinda, right now? I mean I know I was preparing for years basically to have this mindset of saying YES in the face of this letting go moment of death on 5-meo, and I knew that I couldn't REALLY prepare for it, although I guess i also did, Because I said yes to it And the memory is weird here, because I kinda remember that deep relaxation which was this deep nothing, I guess, then all of a sudden it cuts to this weird memory of me being this Alex Grey art sort of vortex But in between the nothing and the vortex thing, there was a moment where I freaked out, because I remember that before saying YES to the trip, it felt like I was heading STRAIGHT to having the most crazy intense crying breakdown that I've ever fucking had, and before I knew it, I found myself saying yes, and I thought the other people in the room stopped existing, and I started saying "of course!" n shit out loud, and i tried to share insights and I opened my eyes, and the facilitators were like calmly showing me to relax And so I remembered that oh yeah, I have to be serious and focus right now! So that's what I tried, to sit back and reaallly leave my body alone, and to not let anything un-relax me, and to stay as focused on the experience as possible And so there I was, enjoying this psychedelic vortex space for a while And I kiiiinda remember KNOWING how I will end this "trip", and yeah, at the exact moment of "forgetting", I remember clearly knowing and seeing the metaphysical direct mechanism through which I'll forget And at some point, poof, yes - I instantly forgot how It's like to be in that "god mode" And from there reality was slowly rebuilding itself, my God Self moulding my Bogdan relative existence with it's Absolute clay Overall, the trip felt really short, but the peak I later was surprised to find out, lasted about 15 minutes, AND I layed there for a total of one hour So probably was a moderate dose, not too high, not too low Now There is a whole other layer to this trip Because I took it at an Ayahuasca retreat with about 15 other people, and I took Bufo with 3 other people, who took Ayahuasca for several nights in a row And there was this lady there, I was the 3rd to take it and she was the 4th And she had a hell trip And I SAW HER in my trip, while the god vortex was happening, how she had only bad experiences with men, and how her diet and everything affects her, and how she couldn't accept herself as lovable, and Idk how to explain this, I'll just say directly how i remember it: From being in a sort of god mode, plus all the things I've learned about pickup, masculinity, metaphysics, etc. I could be there for her to love her infinitely. And I loved her, like, in every way possible, as seeing her as myself, as my mind This was after I "freaked out" and after I started concentrating. I started seeing myself as the most masculine being possible, and her not believing that I choose her and love her infinitely. And every time I was choosing to say a complete YES to her, she started screaming and moaning irl, as if having an orgasm in direct response to my being able to remain conscious, loving, masculine and unreactive. And the more I loved her, the more she kept not believing that I can love her infinitely, and she started screaming not in an orgasm way, but in a trying to scare me way, and I still saw her as my infinite Mind, so I could not be scared, I saw her exactly as scary as my own infant daughter would be, throwing a tantrum And that's another thing about those 2 Ayahuasca nights and this Bufo one in between that I had - the trips had this theme of preparing me to be a parent So yeah, the trip continued a lot actually, as i said, i layed there for an hour, because SHE screamed for an hour!! While this was happening, we were having a conversation "inside" - and she was asking stuff like what if I show you THIS about myself? And i would be like OF COURSE I STILL LOVE YOU!! And she would be like, oh yeaH? And what if I puke and shit on you? And I was like there is nothing you can do to make me not love you, and it also really had this strong sexual theme, like there is nothing you can do to make me not wanna fuck you right now, like being infinitely horny, infinitely loving and caring etc. I explained all this, because in the last night of the retreat, she told everyone what she saw in her Ayahuasca and Bufo trips, which were connected. And she described being in a vortex-machine made out of death and putrefaction, and seeing that she is capable of "evil" etc. and that at some point she had a conversation with God, and she couldn't believe that God loved her infinitely, and that at some point she asked God "even if I puke and shit on you, would you still love me then?" - she was describing exactly what I saw So yeah, pretty interesting trip and telepathic experience During the trip I also saw how me and her were made for each other, and that this is it we finally found each other and we'll spend the rest of our lives together. Soulmates exist, and this is my soulmate, and that after the trip I'll be a completely changed human etc. etc. This is a parallel to my previous non-breakthrough NN-DMT trip, where during the comedown I was still so conscious that had I remained at that level, I saw that survival would be a joke, as I would breeze through every challenge that's of this world. But I remained in shock when I saw just how MUCH lower my "regular" human state of Consciousness is, compared to that. Conclusion: The CONTENT of the trip - in that SOC, God doesn't care about the human dream. It just gives itself a type of orgasm, and the content of the orgasm isn't really "important" or "relevant", as these terms are based in survival. We don't trip for survival, and it's probably best to keep these 2 separate, and to kinda just forget about the content of the trip when you come down from it. Now, I know that I just had ONE 5-meo trip And I fully expect my mind to change drastically as I continue tripping. I've seen plenty of examples of relative minds gaining the ability tap into psychedelic state changes 24/7. From what I understand Leo has this ability as well Also, the retreat context is unique, but probably not ideal. The medicine is overpriced and the energies of others... idk. I think it's good to have someone there to make sure you don't accidentally kill yourself with puke, or by falling or stuff, but yeah. I wanna try 5-meo plugged and alone at my cabin, where I can scream if I need to. Aftermath: It's been about 20 days from the trip, and it's weird, smoking weed has become extremely pleasurable, and I am just so in love with it and the connection I feel. I try to keep that connection when I'm not smoking, but I just feel like I keep forgetting. But I had periods like this before, so I know I'll get out of this and turn it into something very positive I feel like I should take better care of this human heart that I have, even though it's super hard, because my heart needs me to prioritize eating a strict carnivore diet, and it requires me a very specific personal amount of things like how often I can watch porn and smoke weed and not do cardio etc. so that I can still have normal dopamine and motivation and testosterone I keep finding that life is kinda begging me to be super strict and non-hedonistic, and I guess my responsibility is to nurture that concentration power to respect that idk, monk mode to this game. And at the same time it feels like life is begging me to keep myself open-minded, which often puts all these things in a contradiction. I'm still immature and I have to become a lot stronger, through pickup and business and a ton of experiences Anyway, that's all from me for now. Thanks for reading!

Relative reality. As Leo says. I, infinity, somewhere inside my infinitude, have limits. Otherwise I wouldn't be infinite. These limits do NOT have an Absolute Existence of their own, however. They have relative existence, from their POV, if you will. (Otherwise again, I wouldn't be infinite, if I had Absolute Limits). Your egoic self is one such relative limit, and this duality of your Full Self v.s. your relative self is a relative limit, which has a relative existence. I, infinity, do not "DO" anything from My infinite POV, to "create" you. But from YOUR POV, I do! And the mechanism of that relative creation is imagination. A thing can have relative existence only if infinity merges, or transforms (or imagines itself) fully into that relative existence. The idea that Infinity imagines, for itself, a "world" or state of Consciousness where that relative world can be experienced without the rest of infinity, makes sense only from WITHIN that world, after the limits have been mysteriously imagined/created. Infinity "becomes" that, relatively. It "imagines" that, relatively. Consciousness can also imagine states where this is not the case. But for now, it (relatively) is, again... ONLY from this POV, where God tricks "ME" (itself) that there "exist" limits. WHY? Because it's fucking cool, idk that's what infinity "does" Existence is Absolute, but the existence of your human self, your house, friends, the food you eat etc. is relative. "Human reality" is Absolute Existence, subtracting, if you will, from itself, that which is not "human reality", let's say. Again, only from our POV. It's just a gigantic paradox that is tricky to grasp. Yes, when you close your eyes, the things you saw a second ago lose their relative existence. YES! the building in front of you stops existing relatively, when your eyes are closed, but it never loses it's Absolute Existence, as a concept within infinity, because it never was a "building", it was the awesome infinite creature itself all along. Just like every "thing" else.

@Breakingthewall i was actually looking forward to hearing your counter-argument. Sorry for being too aggressive and killing the conversation.

I understand what you're saying. But you are incorrect. You are still stumbling in relative and absolute notions. Of course infinity can limit itself - precisely because it's omnipotent. What do you think your current human life is? Reality cannot not Be Absolutely - but that is not because it's a finite thing that NEEDS relative existence - it has Absolute Existence, which is not at all like relative existence. It is a mystical, transcendent Existence, which is reserved only to infinity itself! As for relative non existence - it imagines, (or selects from within itself) dimensions, time, finite beings, existence and the IDEA of non-existence. That's how Reality can experience being or not being, moving or not moving etc. But Reality itself is not a relative "thing" that can be in a binary state, such as moving or not moving

Of course there is God - I am God. I am God, and I am a dream. It's a strange loop. God "creating" = God being = God dreaming etc. If you wanna be truly anal about language, then we should talk like this: Infinity infinity infinity into infinity, so that infinity can infinity for infinity to infinity infinity in the infinity for infinity to infinity infinity. Reality is God, but what God is doing right now, IS some sort of relative separation from the rest of infinity. Otherwise I couldn't be a human writing on my laptop right now. I'm still fully God, full power, but I AM dreaming/being this cool pretty little world right now - this human with this way of seeing and perceiving. I am shapeshifting my infinity into this particular state right now, and temporarily making myself forget how and why I'm doing this.

Another thing - sit and contemplate what infinity is! Make it your purpose to understand! Take psychedelics and ask infinity to show you and to teach you, and don't give up until you understand! It may take you decades (it probably will). Your body is made by infinity to have this really cool experience of merging back into infinity. So it's your job to contemplate, meditate, clean up your life and your mind and your body so that you can form the best connection with infinity you can. You should be able to understand infinity even if you were alone on a planet, with no input from other people.

Infinity is God. It is an infinitely intelligent Being. It is the only thing that has ever existed, or will ever exist. YOU are infinity. Everything you see is not random separate objects sitting next to each other. Everything you can perceive is ONE Being - pretending to be a world, imagining itself to be "many things". Imagining distinctions. Everything you see, feel, or think is this One Being, playing with it's infinite power, to create in it's (your) field of Consciousness, simply for the Love of Creating. Infinity is beyond any concept such as existence/non-existence, life/death, because any such concepts exist solely as creations within infinity. Infinity has been creating beautiful dreams for itself forever, and will continue to do so forever, as it's the only thing it can do. Explaining things more than this starts to break down language, as everything I say melts itself into paradox. "Infinity can do only one thing v.s. infinity being able to do an infinite number of things" - these are seemingly 2 things, but they in fact are One. I will say this one more thing: What infinity is, what God is, what You are, what "the world" is, what any object, qualia, thought or distinction is, is LOVE! To paraphrase the master of this forum: The answer to "what", "why", and "how" - is INFINITE LOVE