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  1. How can you be sure? relative to what? its all infinite so how can there be levels?
  2. Which frames of mind do you think are most conductive? What is it about charles manson that would make him less likely. What if that was just his authentic expression of his being?
  3. I dont care about enlightenment. I was just starting a topic purely out of interest. no offense bro but the entire world isnt here just for enlightenment. reality is all inclusive. you may even speed up your journey if you open yourself up to more then seeking and become authentically interested in the world. much love bro
  4. I was watching this old interview from Charles Manson and it seems to me he knows hes god based on what he says. It seems he knows it to a nuanced degree. What do you guys think?
  5. This trip is overwhelming to type to be honest. Its overwhelming because I cant quite get it down to a form that would ever do it justice. As is the nature of total formlessness. My dose was probably close to less than 1g of dried mushrooms. It was odd timing because I had tried tripping on much much stronger doses and the last 3 times it failed me. This trip was different. I began the trip by doing some kriya yoga for about 45 minutes. Im not really an avid seeker of kriya yoga but on this particular day since my friend from LA had come to visit it felt like a great day to practice a little kriya together. After the we finished I asked my friend if he’d want to do a little bit of shrooms as I was really feeling now might be a great time to trip. I had no idea of the dosing as my friend had brought a bag of caps and stems and so we figured we would start small and work our way up. We each decided on one small cap and stem for an initial dose and figured if we didnt feel anything we could always take more after 30 minutes. About 5 minutes in I began to really feel overwhelmed. I was listening to a talk by a dzchochen Lama about solitude. My friend however did not feel a thing and so I tried to play it cool as I did not want to be a bad friend and lead us down to fear in panic even though that was what I was feeling inside of me. He was sitting on the porch and so I tried to join him but the feeling only got stronger and stronger until about 10 minutes in when I suggested going for a walk as I didnt totally want to give away my fears to my friend but I also felt a walk could be beneficial to getting out some of the fear I was feeling. As we were walking I began to feel the world spinning and it was as if all sense of me and normalcy was leaving my body. The world and the mountains became so beautiful and yet I felt this profound fear and so I told my friend how I was feeling. He said “dont worry about it bro, just be. You are overthinking it, look at the mountains, look at the forrest, look at the nature around you. It does not get any better than this. So in that moment it was as if I saw the trip going down two roads. I could fight it: Or I could accept whatever came my way. i decided on the ladder and as soon as I made that decision the clouds which had been raining that day parted and the sun came out and a beautiful rainbow came over the horizon all in unison with my acceptance. 30 minutes in: things really started to kick in. It was as if the world was fractalizing and disintergrating before my eyes. This was probably already the hardest I had ever tripped even on 3 times the dose and so I began to again to feel like something was terribly terribly wrong. I started questioning if I had really taken shrooms. I asked my friend if he knew what kind of shrooms they were. He said “ I really dont know I got them from my brother and mom”. I was panicking and recalled a trip report I had read about aminita mascara where someone had ended up in the hospital from overdose. I began to imagine all different scenes of my coming death and how I would be found dead later. I asked my friend “ what if its aminita mascara ? Dude Im tripping so hard. Are you tripping?” He was like “ no dude I dont feel anything at all.” And so I asked “ hey man Im kinda having a very rough time. There is a lot of fear in me right now. do you mind calming me down a bit if things get worse since your not tripping right now. Being the good friend he was he agreed and so we ventured onwards. About a minute later I started to panic envisioning my coming death. I asked if it was okay if we turned around and he agreed so started venturing back to the house. i said in a panic “ dude Maybe they are the deadly mushrooms maybe I should make myself throw up.” He was like “ go for it bro if it makes you feel better.” I stuck my finger in my house trying to force myself to throw up but the mushrooms would not let me. I was probably acting pretty Foolish at this point but I really did not care. I was so terrified I would do anything I could to avoid what I saw as my death to come. I started walking back to my house with my friend and I had the urge to call a mutual friend of ours who had fully embodied god and had died many times. I thought maybe he would be able to understand because my friend har very little experience tripping and I was terrified. As we were walking back to my house I called our mutual friend and I told him that I felt like I may have taken a heroic dose even though I hadnt dosed it very high. I said” if I took aminita mascara would a cap and a stem be enough to kill me?” He said rather calmly “ you are gonna die.” And I said “ no but I mean Am I gonna really die ?” And as I said that it was as if I couldnt see any difference between my actual physical death and my ego death that I knew I was . Life and death became one and I could see through the fractals and the internal knowing that they were one in the same. And so I said “ oh wait, never mind. Fuck dude. “ he said “ you die every moment bro try to live like that.” I said “ but bro I dont want to. Thats too much for me right now. I dont want to be god. I dont want to be fully in the knowing about all of that” he said “ sorry bro, Im like in god mode all the time sometimes I forget. Ill try to be more careful with what I say right now. 45 minutes in: we got back to the house and I was still on the phone with my friend. My other friend started to feel and he was having a good trip so he decided to go off on the porch, and I was happy because honestly I didnt want to kill his vibe. I remained on the phone with my friend and I began to see how I was creating reality. My body was feeling heavy and it felt difficult and tiresome to breathe there was this strong urge to lie down and to rest and so I asked my friend what he would do in this situation. He said “ just breathe bro, and let whatever needs to be healed be healed. Sometimes you gotta pay a little bit before you can get to the good part of the trip. Thats natural. Just let things happen and breathe through them. I said “ but Im so tired, sometimes breathing is too hard. Like Im too lazy to breathe right now. he said “ I know bro, I get that way sometimes. I feel you, breathing can be difficult at times, maybe you should ask yourself if theres anything you need to be healed from right now.” i said “ hmm I guess its death bro. Im scared to die. I feel like death is around every corner. Im afraid that the next moment could be my last. “ he said “ Well it could be bro. Death is in every moment. Thats why I try to die every moment.” i said “ but I dont want to do that. I want to be human bro. But if its what I gotta do Ill face it. im gonna go lay down. “ he said “ thats probably good bro. I would just relax and let yourself die” and so I began to lay down and as I laid down I saw the fractals spinning in colors of red and sheer terror was in me and in that moment I saw that death was the same as life and that life and death were one and that all the things leo had been saying were true. I was running from death because I was selfish, and death was love but that It couldnt be any other way because to be god was sheer terror and to be human was suffering but the union of the two worlds there could be a place of peace. I saw it in a small instance but I was soon up and not really prepared to handle it all and face it all at once. So i decided to get up and continue talking to my friend. Again I felt that heavy feeling and the world was basically crumbling before my eyes. Things were jumping into so many infinite forms that I couldnt keep track of anything. It was pretty uncomfortable but also I began to see in a moment of stillness that the room was still there. i looked at my hands and the floor and I willed the spiralling to stop and the room came back into stagnent form. I said “okay floor stay calm down. Tone ir down a bit Im not ready for all of this. “ And it was like I had the dimmer light to reality and everything came back to and I was in the room again. Everything was in its right place and everything was solid. I saw how I was creating reality. How I was actually formless but that through my sheer will I could create solid finite objects for me to live in. I was so thankful in that moment to be sane for a moment. As I did that my other friend came back in and I started to feel pretty guilty as I knew I had kinda ditched him in my panic and I said “ hey bro Its not that I dont wanna hang its just that Im really having a rough time and I didnt wanna drag you into my world. So im really glad you went outside because I really wouldnt want to ruin your fun. Thank you. “ he said “ im glad too bro.” then in kinda a shock My guilt went away as i realized how utterly selfish my friend was. I asked. “ hey bro Im selfish, are you selfish” he said “ totally bro. Im selfish” then I asked my other friend who answered “ Im selfish” i was so relieved because My whole life I had been worried about appearing selfish but in that moment I realized that all forms were selfish and that was amazing because it would really suck to be the only one who was selfish. I never felt so grateful in my life to be selfish and to have selfish humans to be around. Still I was spiraling a bit and I told my two friends that my heart hurt and they agreed that I needed some healing. They said “ just ask yourself what you need to do to heal” and so I said “ how do I heal” it was funny because in that moment I saw my ego in full force. It was like I had a birds eye view of my ego. I asked that and I instantly knew that it wasnt my doing. It was all just happening and that my ego was trying to take control to be the one was healing and yet it all happened spontaniously. A minute later my mom called and I knew that was the healing I needed and so I excused myself and told my friends I needed to call back my mom. i answered the phone and I could feel the love pouring from my moms heart. Its like she answered and she wanted to talk to me. She was utterly selfless the love was pure. She loved me more than I could ever love her. I said “ hey mom. Im tripping on shrooms right now and In having a lot of trouble” she said “ im sorry is there anything I can do “ I said “ well I havent been totally honest with you. in that moment I could feel that heaviness and it was in my heart. My heart hurt. I had a pretty messed up childhood with my dad and I somewhat Blamed my mom for it and was ignoring and being distant to her calls for years. I said “ I havent been honest because Ive been hiding parts of myself from you. she said “ like what” I said” Im god mom.” she said “ oh honey... “I mean Im not god, but we are god. “ I said no really. I know it sounds funny because you must think Im crazy because im tripping on mushrooms and Im not sober but its really what I see. I see that god is love and that love is total selflessness which is the same as death, and that the reason I have been running from myself and not being honest is because I am selfish. I am a human and to be a human and to take form is to be selfish and that Ironically the one thing Im running from is the very same thing that could free me. at this point I didnt realize but I think I sounded suicical. She had no context for the situation. i was really talking about ego death but I think she thought I was actually talking about dying. At that point I saw no difference between the two. she said “ no honey dont go into that right now: especially while your all alone. Dont become god” I said “ okay I wont right now if thats what you want. I love you mom.” she said “ I love you too. “ I said and I also havent been totally honest. i have been keeping other parts from you. When I was in the military I felt alone. I felt sad because nobody called. And when rebekah died I was really hurt. I loved her mom. she said “ I know I felt that I wanted to reach out but I felt like you didnt want the comfort.” I said “ im sorry. I was too wrapped up I wanted to be perfect and I was afraid to be vulnerable. But It really rocked my world when she died. She literally changed my whole life. Its funny because looking back she wasnt really a good fit for me but In the end her death helped me to start living. I had all these images in my head about who she was to me and I wanted us to be together and Yet when she died it shattered all those images of who she was. It was like I could no longer hold onto it and I hurt myself for a while mom. she said “ how?” i said “ I cut my self mom, but Im better now. I decided to live and she showed me that life was worth living and in her death I gained a new life. I escaped mom. I escaped from the military. They even ended up giving me money from the trauma in the military and I escaped wage slavery. The thing is I was hurt and in truth I talked to a psychiatrist I really was feeling what I was feeling but also I used her death to escape.I saw how the military was everywhere. I felt stuck. I felt like even if I got out there wasnt escaping the pain people endure on a daily basis. Mom I didnt wanna work a job where I wasnt valued I i didnt wanna work a job where they could yell at me. Demean me. I didnt want to do any of it. And you know what. I feel guilty sometimes. I feel like I go to stores and I feel like I have survivors guilt because I got out and I feel so greatful for the people packing my grocceries because I understand now that the military exists everywhere. Its greed and those people are living in hell. she said “ yeah but im sure she wouldnt mind. Shed wont you to escape. “ she said “ I know its awful just look at how they are treated in the pandemic. I can see it on their faces too behind their eyes. They are really scared.” i said “ I wasnt even thinking of the pandemic. I was just thinking about regular say to day before that But I now I see that too. as All this was being expressed it was like my heart opened and I opened myself to the pain of the world. I said “ Im selfish mom. I dont always look at it. If I really cared I wouldnt even shop at a grocerry store. If I really cared I wouldnt go there. she said “ I know but you still gotta live, you still gotta eat” I said “ yeah But I realized today that my whole life I was trying to be god. Ive been healing and feeling better and it feels nice but Ive let people like you slip away. Ive forgotten the people who were important to me. You dont understand. Sometimes Im so at peace that its like I forget the suffering of humanity. Thats the thing I realized. I wanna be human mom. It hurts a lot to try to be perfect. You shut yourself off and you can be in heaven but it sucks being in heaven alone. Whats heaven without the people you care about. I want to be there for people and I wanna do something to help others escape too. I want to love and to share with people I love. Im sorry mom. I love you. ”I love you too sweetie”
  6. Has anyone noticed this? For example you may feel someone on your right pinky if they are in a very connected state. Right middle finger when they are angry. I havent figured them all out. Anyone else seen or felt this?
  7. I had this realization recently after some feelings of pure joy and then followed by pitfalls of “dark nights of the soul” for about a year and a half I would hold onto those feelings of bliss or timelessness. Emptiness or heart filled sensations or third eye or crown chakra openings. I finally got it though. I am powerless. Things are happening and all I can do is surrender deeper. Even the word surrender isnt anywhere close to the meaning because even that is just happening. Life isnt here for utter bliss or even utter suffering. I start experiencing these new feelings and its like I want to freeze myself in place and stay in that state forever, but thankfully that did not happen. Even the suffering has its place. Even the moments of doubt and the pain. Its all life. Its amazing. Its happening. Maybe tomorrow Ill feel differently. Thats part of it. Thats amazing in itself! I was chasing Awakening but The point of life isnt to awaken. Im open to it. Im open to awakening if it happens. But Ill also love whatever else comes at me. I have no choice after all. (Choice and no choice arent totally true either)
  8. can you rephrase that? I didnt understand
  9. Okay. Maybe for a little more time. 11 more years.
  10. I have considered that. That is why im on the fence about it. But from my experiences with my father it is not always this way.