CelticQueen17

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About CelticQueen17

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    Newbie
  • Birthday 04/17/1975

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  • Location
    Lancaster, PA
  • Gender
    Female

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  1. Yes. I would never choose a man like this for a friend or my daughter! ...Or really anyone. I think he is incapable of the skills you have to have to be in a relationship. I unfortunately was blind & loved him anyway.
  2. Wow, I never thought of that. Thank you. We both have children that are extremely resilient. We are too old but we joked that our child would have been amazing. I appreciate your insight!
  3. I dated a man that my older sister went to school with on and off for about 18 months. When it was good it was *amazing* it had an almost magical quality to it. When it was just him and I and he was sober. We were intensely attracted to one another. He had PTSD from truly horrible experiences in the Marines in the Conflicts from 89-91. It seemed like at times it was well managed then he’d get depressed and begin drinking and become another person... he always sought help which gave me hope. He’d usually begin drinking a few days after detox. I finally convinced him to go to a Civilian Rehab and he came out, and stayed sober except for medical marijuana which helped his PTSD and alcohol addiction tremendously. Life’s stressors made things between us tough but had never been more beautiful...we were in a Love that I never thought was attainable & I am 44 and have had 4 serious relationships including a marriage. Although we both thought we’d never marry again, he asked me to marry him and we moved into a new house! He literally came to our rescue I had to move after 11 years ( My Amish Landlord gave the house to family) I was given 30 days!! So he helped the best that he could with organizing what was going to be moved and helped get rid of all the old furniture and junk we had accumulated. It was a huge job and I helped for hours each night after work He relapsed on Veterans Day .... by November 16 he was drinking each day. The worst thing for his PTSD in the long term. I gave him space. I figured he was stressed and depressed and we’d tackle it once we were settled. We had a plan we developed when he was sober. We began to argue. He was verbally abusive and it triggered the same in me! Not my character, at all but it happened in every argument when he drank. After appearing intensely unhappy & agitated for 2 days & spending 24 hours in bed... He began a normal but intense lecture to my 13 year old son about not helping, when my son answered defiantly I corrected him not to speak to him disrespectfully. I offers to take the kids out of the house for the night. He then grabbed my son around his neck and held him in the air and swung him into the driveway!!! Then mocked my son and started to block me from leaving. I was scared my son was trying to come back in to save me and my 16 year old daughter was spared the violence but heard the whole thing. I left without even grabbing my keys he gave me a spare... odd like he had a moment of clarity. My kids were hysterical and crying. I had to file a police report from my sisters house and after reading the reports he was arrested for Assault Strangulation. He bailed himself out and I had to go get a PFA the next day, missing work...work is critical especially now that I pay $3k in bills a month alone. It’s not the finances though, money comes & goes...I go from loving this man with my whole being to not being able to see him again because of what he did and is obviously capable of! Thanks for reading my question is.... How do I even wrap my head around loving someone who’s a dangerous and abusive. He had slapped & shoved be before during fights but that was provoked and I should have walked away. My son is fine and I feel he is so smart that he provoked Joe for weeks in order to expose that he could “lose it”. Of course my children are my first priority and that is NO excuse. What is life doing ?? What is it mirroring?? Does Love Conquer?
  4. I appreciate all replies. I am just currently a bit frustrated with my life circumstances-although I am accepting of them
  5. *Advance apology if this type of post is not allowed here.* I’d love to connect with a local actualized person! Even just to text, talk and hike etc.
  6. “Little needs manipulating” ... I see but wouldn’t it be better to be a middle class Mom with a partner than working my ass off being a single parent? Or is that whole stress about my kids going hungry thing just “in my head” ?? Or maybe I don’t have children, like I was not born? I think I’m lost & I have plenty of experience with loosing the ego. I was doing that when Leo was in Elementary school.
  7. As I watched Leo’s latest video, I found myself understanding the concept of nothing being “real” BUT since we think that we are here, we might as well have fun! Can we manipulate the dream through our conscious thoughts?
  8. I am having a day where I literally feel as though I may have been let down by every partner ( family-friends-lovers-coworkers) that I have ever had. Does anyone relate to this simple statement??
  9. "slowly crystallising from an amorphous nothing as a baby into ever sharper relief as an old geezer - only to go back to slowly realising I'm an amorphous nothing again. Is that a journey?" Yes! I think thats a great way to sum up what we do here. We are just here to gain things then lose them all ... life seems easier once you accept it, don't you agree?
  10. Great Question. I think thats my whole point of doing this....I have ways existed for others. Lost my identity after having children...its as if I became a machine, but a loving, warm Mom machine. Shortly after my second was born I remember a lady telling me "you will lose yourself, there is no "I" in mother"!! I am a hard worker and love the peace of mind that comes with nice surroundings free of toxic individuals so I am hoping my self actualization finds me working less and being extremely confortable & content. I raise my children on my own and although they are older now, nothing that I have found is more stressful than single parenting without support. I live in a very conservative religious pocket of Pennsylvania. I was in an Amish restaurant yesterday and chuckled at how they have their whole culture revolving around God which is really them..... Thanks for giving me the chance to write!
  11. So Last Thursday, where do you feel that you are in your self actualization journey? Other than just being no where experiencing no thing..... What else do you do in your life dream? Hmmmm? Lol I am very curious about others experiences.
  12. Thank you all again for your help & @LastThursday. Your answer made me go "a-ha!"
  13. Thank you for your time and for your heart felt answers.
  14. Okay so I have listened to several videos lately where Leo talks about realizing that no other human beings exist...is he saying this because we are all connected and all God....or does he mean that each listener is completely alone & how can this be? Maybe "it just is" I'm sure I'm missing something here....please enlighten me if you feel moved to do so.