Tistepiste

Hey, I have done two Vipassana retreats. I post here to remind myself to write something when I'm home

I realized, now more than ever. One of my biggest triggers in life is being told how I feel or who I am. My other triggers are injustice and misrepresentation of who I am But let's talk about the first one for now. This trigger has stolen an insane amount of peace in my life. Almost unbelievable. It's where I know and feel something is not mine, but is being pushed on me by another person that believes whole heartedly I should feel, think or am something I am not. It's as if I am fighting with an invisible power. I am trying to make sense of what someone else is pushing on me, and a great resistance is created from within. The attraction is wanting to take that person seriously, because they speak from the heart. The counter is knowing that my heart is not on the same level. It's like two hearts fighting an invisible battle. And it's all happening in the mind. I think, feel, it roots from "I'm not okay, you're okay" Where I question my own sense of reality and experience in favor of someone else's. As if they're speaking "truth" while I know they're not. But who am I to know? Who is anyone to know? Why state something as a fact when everything is ambiguous? Creates a lot of tension and circular thoughts. I am aware of all of this. Now I need to let go. Recognize the pattern. Feel into it. And let go. But these are just words..

First week passed. Going through a long period of emotional distress that started in December. Honestly it humbled me. Just shows how deeply rooted my insecurities still are. After a period of being in monkey mind from the moment I wake up to going to sleep for about a month, things have become more stable again. Forced my self to watch the breath. Pain surfaced around my heart area, the usual spot where pain resides in my body. Instead of indulging in that pain, I am trying to observe it. The meditation sessions went pretty smoothly.

Keeping this as simple as possible. For now. I have the tendency to make things way too complex than they should be and start with crazy goals and mind stories about it. Changing my ways. The goal is to - meditate at least 3x a week. 45 min. per session. - shortly describe what I went through To - create consistency - recognize patterns - go inwards instead of outwards

This is inspiring. Going strong! 💪

Congratulations with getting over your childhood trauma. That's big

Very cool results man! Great Curious to see Leo's perspective on his own AI haha

Complete dissolvment of the body. Experience of rebirth. There was no more body, just mind

This is manipulative haha, so this becomes the basis of the interaction

Hey So one thing I feel holds me back in life right now is people pleasing. It puts myself and others in a vulnerable position. Oftenly I'd make assumptions in what the person might expect from me and if I feel like I could let them down I either excuse myself prior to them voicing it out, to make sure that, even if they don't voice it out that I acknowledged it already. Other situations are when I try to say words in the best way I can in order not to put another person in a bad position, if I am dealing with a situation that might not be beneficial for the other party. So then I can't really get to the point of what I'm really saying and just make the other person confused. Ok.. long story. I am very aware of all that is happening and what the impact is, but this force within me Is so strong that I am not sure what are easy tricks to stop giving into it. Has anyone else dealt with this and how do you go about it?

Dear, Recently I was attending a Vipassana retreat. It brought me deeper in my spirituality than I ever was before. I witnessed very deep and profound insights and states of being. However, on the last day of the retreat, we were allowed to talk, and one of these guys started talking to me, and he made me very confused. And since then it has been bugging me during my meditation. So I want to ask a question about it to help clear my mind.e He was asking me about my meditation technique. I told him I was observing my bodily sensations. He then asked, what do you mean "observe" I said "just.. observe.." He looked at me with an empty stare as if he was unable to grasp what I was saying. He then said "but you can't just observe, you're thinking" I got very confused.. He went on to say "you're thinking: "I observe" which is a thought. I think you misunderstood the meditation. It's impossible not to think. It is about not judging what your thoughts are, but you're always thinking" It became like a very strange conversation of yes / no and I didn't want to go on with him because I felt like it was going nowhere and I certainly wasn't into having a discussion with him. He ended the conversation with "the greatest meditation teachers are even saying that you can't stop thinking" This really annoyed me, because the whole way I understood Anna panna meditation, is about increasing your focus and awareness. Sit in stillness and keep your mind as focussed and sharp as possible, whenever you go into thought, you realize this, and you again regain your focus. By doing this, your mind becomes sharper and clearer, less thought and more clarity. Going on to Vipassana you maintain that practice during the body scan, and observe the sensations as free of thought as possible. Whenever a thought arises, you let it be. Now everytime I meditate this guy comes up in my mind and is telling me how no thought is not possible and I get into this paradoxical circle of whenever I reach clarity of mind it is obstructed by this voice in my head that is trying to tell me the opposite of what I am doing. So I'm here to ask: it is not "strange" to to be observing (or at least try to) without thought, right?

So lately I have been (trying) to be as aware as possible of my inner turmoil. I am very sensitive to outside stimulus. When something doesn't feel right, it immediately is felt in the heart and stomach where it itches and hurts. I am conscious that it are my thoughts that are causing these feelings. I am always aware of these thoughts but not always in "control". It is extremely hard to dissipate the thought's energy. The energy of these thoughts keep floating around in the stomach and heart area. I suspect it has something to do with my chakras; that they are blocked in that area? When I meditate, I focus on my breath and on the heart area. Now; I have been more and more conscious about how fear is a leading role in my life; so everytime I feel like I am doing something out of fear; I try to be aware of that and not go into it. But sometimes I am not sure what to do. It is a game between authenticity and consciousness in a sense. When I feel something isn't right, but I know it is coming out of fear: Do I act on it or should I just be aware of where it is coming from and not feed it? Then I feel like I am denying myself. I am just confused on what is the best to do in a personal growth type of setting. If a situation bothers me; should I just look into why it bothers me and learn from that and leave it be? Or do I do that while addressing the situation? Giving into my possibly irrational thoughts? It is a confusing / hard balance sometimes. But I do feel that addressing situations lifts a heavy weight off my heart; but in a sense it feels like cheating. I took the easy way out.. again. Instead of facing those fears and working through them by being conscious; and handling them on my own, it seems much easier to address directly and be authentic about how I am feeling which lifts a huge weight. But that feels like it is not helping my personal growth since I depend on external sources. Any thoughts on this?

Chapstick for reference. Without it you wouldn't know how big it (the musroom) was Or was it a joke? In that case my bad haha

@bobbyward Sure. The main point is moving towards absolute simplicity. No concepts, no ideas, no rules, no systems. Everything points to awareness of the void. The emptiness, which contains all the richness in the world. First, it starts about being aware of everything you do in every second of the day and doing it in a fully conscious way Breathing, touching, sensing, seeing, speaking, listening, going to the toilet,... It talks about the 36 tattvas and how they have to be experienced fully consciously all the time. It talks about how everything should be accepted and experienced and nothing should be resisted since it's all part of the divine. Resistance creates suffering. (e.g. when trying to resist a negative emotion, it only grows stronger) It also talks about ascetics and how some of them spend all their lives in solitude practicing meditation, which in turn makes them disconnected from the world they live in and thus not living life fully consciously and in all their possible / potential glory. The practices are pretty simple: -Being aware of your ego-mindset and breaking through it as hard as possible. There's no room for gentleness. Face your fears head on in the most confrontational way possible. They will be shattered. -Meditation: be aware of the pause between thoughts, breath,... Every thought and its subsequent thought has a "space" between them, a comma. Be aware of the stillness, emptiness between each breath / thought. Doing this every day, constantly, will make you more aware of this emptiness / void and will make you less identified with thoughts -Do everything fully consciously, never take anything for granted. Enjoy drinking water in the most pure way possible, do everything with pure love and gratitude -Everything should be felt by the heart, during meditation also focus on heart. Everything starts flowing when the heart is activated (all chakras).