Tistepiste

My OCD keeps looping the situation, trying to solve it. Even if I am actively trying to not think about it, the triggers keep coming back. Day in, day out. I am seeking therapy, although the waiting list is several months. I am seeing someone actively and started Haptotherapy. To get in touch with my body again. The truth of the matter is, I am constantly battling with it. Whether it is seeking therapy, focussing on my bodily sensations, being aware that I am not strengthening the thought stories. I am writing it out as bluntly as possible. Usually I minimize the effect I has on me, for the fear of it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I am done listening to fear. Maybe boldness and raw truth will help me. Call me weak, underdeveloped, emotionally immature, or whatever. I am tired, and I want to let go. But my mind and heart won't. The Mind Story Will I was in a polyamorous relationship. We were together for 1.5 years. I was in a relationship with two other guys. Let's call them Will and Halt. Will and Halt were together for 8 years. They both fell in love with me. We tried to make it work as a throuple. There some dynamics between them that didn't work for me, though, so after a lot of trying, eventually I broke up with them. I was fine. I was a bit sad, but I also felt like I could move on from it. They were not. They both had a hard time getting over me, though for one it was easier than the other. I was still attracted to Will, though not to Halt. I started dating other people. At a houseparty, Will approached me. He said he wanted to break up with Halt and wanted to start a relationship with me. This was 1 year post break up. I was surprised, and overwhelmed. Although, knowing Will, he has the tendency to drag people along in his bad mental state. The very next day, he'd pretend that nothing really had happened. I, however was very touched and confused by this confession, but I also knew that I had already moved on. I wasn’t lingering. We had a short talk, although I told him we'd need to talk about it sober the next day, but only if he stood by his words and he actually wanted to undertake action. I still liked him, and saw a future with him, so I was open to exploring that. The next day I texted him if he'd still want to meet to talk about it, hinting again that I'd only be open to a conversation if there was an actual tangible thing to talk about, apart from him dumping his unresolved emotional load on me. He told me he had. So we met up. During the dinner, he kept talking around the subject. At one point I asked him "Why are we here?". He started crying. I was disappointed. "Oh God. He actually doesn't have anything he promised me he had." His "tangible" thing I asked for? "He finally has the breathing room to think about his decision. There was a new chapter, a new home, and in this chapter, he'd make a decision" Super vague, no timelines, no promises. Just.. a description of the.. Situation. This was the start of a two year long push and pull. Call me stupid, naïve, whatever. But this pattern as described above, repeated itself over a course of two (2\!) years. He'd call, text me, or come to me crying, giving me the anticipation of something coming up (e.g. "I am going to write you a letter" (After 2 months I got a printed piece of paper in the mailbox with some confusing and contradicting statements)) He'd promise me a decision by X date; When X date arrived he'd give me an update on the situation and tell me he was almost there. Just.. A few more days. Or a few more weeks. The more this situation evolved, the more it seemed to me as a dramatic theatre piece. Once I started viewing it as such, it had no power over me anymore. That's why I could handle the situation that long, I think. Or I was never in love to begin with. Perhaps. Truth of the matter is, apart from all the push and pull, my thoughts were silent. And happy. The situation wasn’t however. It went from bad to worse. At one point even, he texted me that he had broken up, only to backtrack on that a few days later. Each time, for some reason, my hope was filled, only to be disappointed later on. In this period I also continued dating, telling Will that as long as he didn’t make a decision I needed to move on with my life. That I would not wait on him. If he is ready, he is ready, but since I can’t control his timelines, I am not going to let him control mine. Arthur At some point, I met this person "Arthur". We had a very easy-going way of communicating and exploring each other. I found him very attractive, and he had a big passion for history. He was also very intellectual. He knew a lot and had an interesting way of talking about things. I felt myself catching feelings. Coincidentally, Will texted me during this period, saying he wanted to talk. He told me that he had broken up with Halt, for real, this time, that he had always loved, and that he is sorry that he couldn't show that to me before. It reached a point where I was tired. My body couldn't really believe his words anymore. The body keeps the score, they say, and after two years of being given false promises and being disappointed, these words didn't touch me like they used to. They were just.. words. Without meaning. I told him that I had just started dating someone new and that I really liked that person. That I first wanted to see where that was going, but that we could keep seeing each other as friends in the meantime just to normalize our relationship, because there was some trust that needed to be rebuilt. Writing this I now realise how fucked up I am with setting clear boundaries. I continued dating Arthur and the dates were cozy. I found him very charming, very honest, very spontanuous, very interested. However, his insecurities also started to show very soon. He was very controlling (asked to read text messages, asked about the amount of people I had sex with, was insecure of my past in polyamory, was triggered when I brought up my exes in a conversation (e.g. when I described my first time falling in love)). Mind you, this was all within only a few weeks of dating. I started to feel uncomfortable myself, trying to fit in his frame, trying not to trigger him, thinking about the correct words to use. I started to censor myself pretty quickly. Which is funny, because he told me "Never hold back in saying anything to me". I guess there's a difference between the person you'd like to be and what you actually are. For some reason, this didn't push me away. If anything, it showed me how human he was and how up front he was about his insecurities, holding nothing back, laying it all on the table, without shame or resistance. I admired that. Now it starts to get a bit more complicated My friends started to tell me I needed to come clean to Arthur about Will. Since Will could be a roadblock ahead, and Arthur was so insecure. Even though I never thought about Will while dating Arthur, deep down I knew they were right. The development I had been waiting for two years to arrive had arrived, Will was single and "waiting" for me. He'd just left an 8 years long relationship, and was finally "available". What situation did I just drag myself into? Now that I finally moved on, he finally made his decision. The. fucking. universe. Literally on the day of meeting Arthur. Anyways. I am a person who values honesty very highly, so I knew I had to bring it up to Arthur at some point. So I did. On our 9th date. I told him about Will reaching out to me, but that I had told Will that I am not interested in dating right now, since I met someone new. The initial reaction was ok. However, after a week he cancelled all upcoming dates. He called me, and told me he didn't want to continue dating. I was confused. He didn't give me a clear reason. During our 9th date, he told me he'd missed me, and that he wanted to come viist my art exhibition the next month. He told me he'd talked about me at a family event. I was confused. It was a short call of about 5 mins. I was very sad. I was left with a lot of unanswered questions. But I now also had the opportunity to focus on Will, and leave Arthur's adventure on the side. However, I also felt like I really needed a closure conversation with Arthur, to end things on good terms, and also help my mind. Since there were a lot of unanswered questions, my mind really started to grapple. Arthur had started to grow on me. His honesty and vulnerability was something I was missing in Will. After letting it marinate for 1.5 weeks, I decided to text him, asking if he'd be open to have a closure conversation. He accepted. A few hours before our date was about to happen, he texted me he only had 45 mins of time since he had another appointment planned. 45 mins.. Ok. Instead of a fun last evening with someone I had really started to like very much, it'd become a meeting where efficiency was key in order for my mind to not hallucinate its own stories. I needed to close as many gaps as possible. Because my mind loves open gaps and loves to dive deep. * *Note to self: Meditate on this. Dive into the unknown, without solving it. Rewrite the patterns! So, the evening went on. Before the meeting, I had decided to let this conversation be the closure conversation as was planned. Not questioning anything, just accepting. Seeing him made my stomach curl up. I really liked this guy. Although it was also confusing. People are confusing. And my mind doesn't like to be confused. - He told me he was insecure I talked about my exes \- He told me he felt "replaceable" when I opened up about the Will situation - He told me I was the first person in 3 years that he was motivated to date - He told me he felt something was off from the get go, that he doubted from the start - He told me I could've done nothing or said nothing for the situation to have developed any differently I held on to the last two statements. Then, and this will become important later on: He asked about meeting up to walk this beautiful art festival along the waters the week after. I was surprised. And I wasn’t sure if I could trust my ears. This was so "off-script" of what I expected him to say, I nodded and smiled, but I didn't really say anything. I think what happened was I was protecting myself in that moment. I honestly thought I must have misheard him. - I didn't want to confuse myself even more - My mind was set on saying goodbye Also, he ended our conversation saying How do you say goodbye to someone you'll never see again? So I must have misheard him, I thought. I left the conversation feeling good. The conversation was nice. And I remember thinking "This was never meant to be. Even though it feels very easy going on the surface." The coming days I felt great sadness. My body had really craved for a connection, to be honest was, I really needed that, after such a long period of being confused. I took some days of seeing friends and seeing my parents to let things settle down and for the pain to settle. Will A few weeks passed, and I met up with Will. I told him things had stopped with Arthur. Silence I told him I really can't date other people if whatever is going on between us is not resolved. So either we go for it now, or we decide it was never meant to be. Silence Something hit me. Oh God. Something I hadn't foreseen although it was clear as day when following the pattern. He was doubting again. I asked. “Are you doubting of getting back together with Halt?" "Yes" Jesus Christ. All this confusion, careful wording, decision making, consideration. All this emotional and mental turmoil. "All for nothing" I was blaming myself, and Will. "Halt read my diary. And now I finally feel that he knows the full truth. With this, Halt and I can start fresh and from a clean slate" Typical Will. He was never honest to Halt nor myself, because he is a coward. He outsources his decisions. It took a bold action from Halt himself, to get to the actual truth of the matter. Apparently this truth and Halt's understanding of Will's emotional and mental state was the thing Will was seeking for. Fuck. My. Life. "All for nothing" I started replaying the closure conversation with Arthur, and his proposal to meet up again to walk the tour kept popping up. But I honestly wasn't sure if he had proposed that. And, it was already around 3 weeks after our initial conversation, so it felt too late anyways. Also, he was very set on closing things down, and any follow up text could be my last chance to let him know something, I felt that. Asking to meet up again, randomly, just felt weird and out of place. But now I also felt weird and out of place. I was blindsided by Will again, and I felt that this whole thing had cast a dark shadow on Arthur's and mine connection. I felt I needed to resolve that. Now, it starts to get even more complicated Violet This girl, Violet. On of my best friends. A girl so in touch with her feelings I've rarely seen. She asked to meet, a few weeks after my conversation with Will. We were working on an art project together. After spending a few hours rehearsing she took me to another room and started crying. She confessed her love to me. I didn't know what to do. Or what to say. So much had been going on. I couldn't, my mind couldn't, my body couldn't. I just sat there. Not saying much. I was mostly baffled. With life. There she sat crying on the couch, and I sat next to her like a stone. I was going to this mime performance, and asked her to join. It was a graduation performance from the mime school here and it should be really good. She accepted and it was one of the most intriguing things I had seen in a while. I felt myself emerse completely in the moment, and enjoyed every second of it. We went to a bar afterwards to talk about the play. She asked how I was doing. I felt myself in a strange position. Obviously the period that had passed was a very confusing one that I was still healing from. But I didn't feel like sharing that with her, because of obvious reasons. Though she persisted in wanting to know what was on my mind. So I very briefly explained her what had happened with Arthur. Quickly adding that "I'd be over it in a week." Not to make her insecure. Then, she raised her voice, very concerned and very stern she said "You mean a couple months! Or a year!"** I felt resistance building up. "What do you mean months? Or a year? I can be over it in a week. I only dated him for a month." "But you were in love!" **This is where my OCD got triggered This is related to a trauma I had when I was 18 years old, where someone tried to override my sexual identity. This created very destructive mind patterns and resulted into me developping OCD. The OCD grappled itself on everything I was experiencing: my feelings, my attraction to other people, my thoughts. I didn’t know what was mine anymore and what was not mine. Any feeling, any attraction I felt or any thought I had about my attraction to someone would raise doubt. “What is mine? What is not mine?” This mechanism started to set itself onto the situation. It was already such a fucked up confusing set of events, and this made it so. much. worse. I started questioning everything. Everytime I didn't think about the situation, Violet's voice would pop up A couple months! Or a year! Which would send me back to the situation. I started questioning if I was still processing the situation, or if it was due to Violet's comment that forced me into it. I didn't trust my own feelings anymore, I didn't trust my own thoughts anymore. And the worst part? A key factor of the whole mechanism is shame and isolation I stopped talking to people about it. How do you explain friends that you don't trust your own thoughts and feelings because of a comment someone makes? And how can they pull you out of that? Without making things worse? I was in a state of survival. I needed to get out of this state of mind. I didn't know how. I opened up to one friend. Someone I was close with during our art project. I don't even remember what we spoke about. I just think I needed to get things out of my system and the feeling that it was received by someone. I cannot remember anything. Only that I felt safe when talking to her. I made a decision. Since the thoughts all diverted itself to Arthur, I needed to text him. A text can't do much harm, right? Even though I was confused, and I didn't know I was still thinking about Arthur because of my OCD trigger, or because of the whole confusing situation in itself, I decided I needed this to let my thoughts calm down. I was in the middle of doing an art show where I had spent months preparing, and there were other shows coming up. I needed to have peace of mind. You'd think, why not talk to Violet? - Because I was afraid she'd make things worse by doubling down on her statement - Because she was in love with me. We wouldn’t be able to have a level headed conversation about this, I felt. Apart from this OCD mechanism, I felt there must be some real sadness. The art exhibition Arthur had shown interest in attending was coming up. And the idea of him not being there really hurt me. What also hurt me was the fact that the situation had changed now. And that Arthur was not aware of this. I decided to text Arthur. I needed to do something. To let the train of thoughts subside. And to perhaps recreate a connection. I told him that even though we had our closure conversation, that I want him to know that during our time together I had only focussed on him, that I enjoyed our time together, and that I really liked him. That I don't expect us to reconcile, but that I just want him to know how I experienced the dating. Then I told him my art exhibition was coming up. He replied that he was sorry that he projected so much during us dating together, that his insecurities took over, but that he wished no further contact. Good. My thoughts were balanced again. He wishes no furthr contact Ok. Clear. -I told him my last truth -He told his Fine. I went to talk to Violet a few months after. How it had triggered something in me. She said she was sorry, and that she only said that because she thought I wasn't giving enough space for my feelings. The funny thing is, her comment created the opposite result. I couldn't process my own feelings after that. A few weeks passed. I started dating again. One really sexy guy. One artsy guy. One psychiatrist. It was all cozy. And I felt like I was grounding again. Or were they? When having sex with these people, my mind shifted to Arthur. When drinking, my mind shifted to Arthur. When walking in the park, my mind shifted to Arthur. Every time, I felt a great feeling of anxiety and sadness. Fuck. I am not over Arthur. Fuck. Fuck. And there's nothing left to be done. “Why am I not over Arthur?” My OCD came back. Violet's voice came back. I started doubting myself again. I reached out to friends. Three times. Three times my feelings were dismissed. First time "You don't have feelings for Arthur, you're confused" Second time "It's over already, what do you want to say to him" Third time "It's time to move on" Fuck. They were right. I started spiralling. I started replaying all scenario's. There. Was. Something. Left. Unsaid. OCD Took over. I. Need. To. Close. The. Gaps. Doubt took over. "Arthur doesn't know Will is not in the game anymore". This was the thought that kept popping up, followed by a feeling of intense anxiety. You know what the fucked up thing is of dating someone for just a few weeks? - No one takes your feelings seriously, since it's just a few weeks - Your mind creates a fucking romanticised version of this person, filling in what the mind hasnt seen and the body hasnt felt - You don't know the person well enough to understand their intentions and view on things This makes it so fucking hard to get a clear picture of your own thoughts and feelings and theirs, and it isolates yourself because no one really understands. People understand when you have a hard time getting over your ex. People don’t understand when you have a hard time getting over someone you just dated. And what’s perhaps the worst part, I don’t understand myself. I thought that what I felt was not mine, but OCD’s grip on me. A friend of mine was experiencing her own heart break with a guy she dated for a short while. We could relate to each other. I told her about my situation. She told me that if I felt that I had something left unsaid, that I should say it. This time without censoring myself. So I did. Fuck it. I told Arthur about Will. His reply? Basically "Leave me alone" Jesus. What a relieve. I finally got it off my chest. I finally closed that final gap. No more gaps. OCD Is Happy. A few months passed. A thought crept up “You never asked him if you could be friends” Fuck. “And now it’s too late” I started to spiral again. I started seeking therapy more actively. The things I am left with now - I feel guilty of stepping over Arthur's boundaries - It’s hard to regain trust in my own feelings, thoughts and capability to process things maturely - It’s hard to realise how deep my spiraling goes while stuck in an OCD loop - It’s hard to accept to see how hard I am on myself and on the past decisions I made The hardest one? - How would things have developped if OCD didn't take over? That's the hardest one I am left with. Cause I feel like OCD made me into a version where I wasn't myself. What would I have thought and done if Violet's trigger hadn't happened? This whole situation put my body and mind in hyper alert mode. I haven't really been able to rest properly for months. All while in super busy periods with work and art.

I am a Data Scientist with a masters in AI To be honest it makes my job so much easier.. These tools are really a great assistent in code building and understanding new concepts. Before that I had to browse / ask questions on stackoverflow, read documentations, invent my own logic for very specific behaviours. Now I can use these tools to do the heavy lifting for me. However, one must stay on high alert, since these chatbots are fully stupid fully confidently and make you think they make sense while theyre inventing complete new physics

@integral thanks so much. Do you have any practical tips on how to level up your thinking? I am ENFP but I guess that's close to ENFJ? @oOo thanks a lot ♥️♥️ will look into it. @SimpleGuy thanks. Very weird but always thought of myself as good self esteem. But now I realize I probably don't..

Your coping Focussing on the problem instead of the bigger picture Thinking in past instead of in future (to solve situations) Thinking for other person, not yourself Isolating Im not okay, you're okay Censoring yourself Internalizing Obsessive Rumination

Your triggers Open endings (reason: ?) Someone taking authority over your own experience (telling you how to feel, etc.) (reason: body feels control is in danger)

Thanks. Saying "no" is something I've been working on and getting increasingly good at. Thanks for reminding me of this, though, it needed a gentle tap on the hand. However, saying "no" is not always possible in certain situations. If I can't say no, the energy goes inward instead of outwards. I need to find a way to let the energy go even though I wasn't able to do it in that situation's moment.

Thank you! Especially these parts resonated with me <3

So this is something I've been suffering from deeply. And it is extremely debilitating. It could be due to childhood trauma, OCD, ADHD, whatever is going on in my conditioning, but the truth is - sometimes it triggers in me something so deeply, which puts me in a state of confusion that I can't seem to get out from. What happens: When someone tells me how I should feel or who I should be, it’s as if I step out of my own body. I then try to merge their truth with my truth. But that isn’t possible. Because those two truths cannot exist simultanuously. So I end up in a constant struggle. A voice in my head that tells me how I apparently should feel, and a feeling that I actually have. At a certain point, I can no longer distinguish between the two. Then I no longer know what is mine and what is theirs. And then I try to find myself again and understand what I actually feel. But I end up somewhere in a kind of limbo between myself and another. And then I am neither myself nor the other. This happened three times in my life where it had a huge impact; examples: First time: I (a guy) came out to a gay friend I trusted at 18 years old that I liked this guy, I only liked girls until then. I was very confused and a bit scared. He then told me that I was gay, since I liked this guy. When I told him it was my first time he neglected that and said you just wish you like girls cause you don't accept yourself and bisexuality doesn't exist. From that point on everytime I went out in a club or had any interaction with a girl that I liked, his voice popped, telling me my feelings weren't valid, and I'd be confused if I really liked the girl or if I imagined, wish it to be. Whenever I saw a guy that was attractive, his voice popped up, telling me I was gay, and I'd be confused if I really liked the guy or if I imagined it because my friend told me I liked him. Basically, I couldn't distinguish anymore what feelings were mine, and what were posed on me. Everytime I felt attraction it induced anxiety. It took me 5 years to get over it. Second time: I had just completed my first Goenka vipassana retreat. It was amazing, and on the 7th day I witnessed the dissolvment of my own body, also called bhanga ñana. I could literally feeling the energy inside my body to come together and explode outside my body, I was completely empty, and a feeling of infinite unconditional love entered my body for a few minutes. Anyways - reason why I say this is that I felt my meditation technique must be working and was excited that i finally 'got it'. The few days after that however I was completely blocked due to something my teacher said about the experience and my whole body got tense after that. That last day of the retreat - you are sadly allowed to talk then, a guy came up to me a bluntly asked about my meditation experience. I told him my body got very tense the last 3 days and that I got a headache and that I couldnt go past that. He asked me what I did, and I told him I just observe the sensation, label it, and then go back to body scan (Goenka technique that we are taught there). (I now even still feel resistance in going on since I fear it will come back) but then he asked me 'what do u mean 'observe', and I said, just observe without thinking, and he said 'u cant observe without thinking, all the biggest teachers say you are not able to stop thinking, so thats bullshit, so probably thats where u went wrong' After that, my meditation practice was completely fucked up, when going to the 2nd meditation retreat a year later, this conversation suddenly sparked up again, and since I wasnt allowed to talk with anyone, and the teacher wasnt of help either, I spiraled completely. Everytime it was silent in my mind, I questioned it, I started questioning what does it mean to "not be able to stop thinking", but if theres spaces between thought, isnt that the cessation of thought in that moment? What about longer periods of stillness? Is there still thought? But theres monkey mind thought and focussed thought. Whats the difference? I questioned everything about my practice and for 10 days I resided in pure confusion induced anxiety. It wasn't until my 3rd retreat that I spoke with an actual monk that told me of course when you're very focused, there is cessation of thought, where the pull from that thought stopped. Until then, I wasnt able to meditate at all!! Third time I was dating someone, for just a month, but I liked that person very much, and due to very unfortunate circumstances it stopped. It was hard to accept it because of these circumstances. But after 3 weeks I found myself being ok again, and my friend asked about the situation and I told them I think itll take me another week and that Id be fine. She then responded "A week? You mean 4 months! or a year!" Its the way she said it with such force, I could see it in her eyes she was speaking from the heart And BAM, the trigger was triggered. AGAIN, I questioned my own feelings, everytime I did not think about that person, the conversation would pop up "4 months! Or a year!" and then my mind went back to that person and started to overthink things. At one point I didnt know whether I was still thining about that person because of the constant pressure I felt when ididnt think about them, again, since I was trying to reconcile my truth and their truth. I didnt know if I still missed that person due to this mechanic or because I actually missed that person. Recently I learned this is be something called "cognitive dissonance", and my brain just cant handle it at all. Of course for all three examples I talked to friends, looked up sources, but still the thoughts and their pull come back and take over. There's very little that can help me for some reason. What do you have for advice?

I tripped on 15g of Atlantis last night. Oops. It was my first bad trip. Anxiety took over. I tried to surrender, but I was stuck in a very heavy emotion. At some point, a deeper voice came, I asked it questions, it was very wise, it told me the answer to my struggles is to "Start loving it". When asking about anxiet-driven related narrations it winked at me, as if telling me, please, don't go into the story. Don't fuel the anxiety. I have had quite a heavy OCD relapse, the past months. And There's 3 stories thats been on loop in my brain almost non-stop since 2 months. These stories took over the complete trip and pushed me very deep in a feeling of despair and anxiety. It showed me where listening to these stories and giving it attention will get me in a very stuck place. But somehow I was not able to get out of it. I have had only very intense but very good trip experiences before these. Where I was flowing and the universe revealed itself to me. Now I felt like Alice in Wonderland, jumping deeper and deeper in a black hole with only negative energy. My body is still exhausted. And feeling tense. I started listening to Rupert Spira. I am not sure what lesson I learned from this - yet. Well actually, I do. It showed me what it meant to be in the moment, and how my body reacted to it, versus listening to a narration in my mind. These two flip sides revealed itself to me very clearly. When I was just "being", and "being" curious, my felt my body resting and my mind just being calm. When a trigger came up and I gave it attention, I was in a war zone. Of course, I know this already, but now it was very clear on a magnitude x100. I feel a bit stupid, cause I should know better, and Ive been to such profound places in meditation and tripping, and right now I feel I am at square 1 again. The ego-less "Just start loving it", came from very deep, but anxiety also came from very deep. Those two forces collided in a great way. Thought Id share this with you, cause whatever experience is experience whether we label it as "bad" or "good", its still consciousness reveavling itself to us. And this time, the humand mind and body didnt like it, and found no way out of it. And sometimes thats the lesson it needs.

@Michal__ What country?

The mind got more calm, but the body is in distress. I have a pain, needle like pain in the stomach area. Like a very small stone sitting there. It is itching around that stone. My mind alternates in understanding the conditioning of patterns of the mind, following the mind stories and being present. It is not as much in monkey mind. But there's a lot of pain and sadness. I don't want this to become my story. I think this will fade. Will all fade. Eventually. I have the desire to write it all down. The narratives. But at the same time when I start writing it down, I feel a big résistance in actually putting it into words. I'm immediately bored and numb. Its as if I don't want to write it all down though it is occupying my mind. There's just one thing left. It's higher level. It's not from deep detailed obsession anymore. It is more that I can see the system of what happened. And regret the decisions that I made while in turmoil. Even though at that moment I couldn't have done it any differently. My mind pattern is romanticizing the outcome of what could have been had I not. I know this pattern very well Undesired current outcome -> romanticize desired outcome -> find a reason why the desired outcome is not there -> be sad / angry at the event that caused this -> obsess over how that could have happened -> romanticize over how things could've been done differently -> loop

Things are starting to change. The effort to be in the moment decreased dramatically The pain around my heart area is gone The rock-hard lump on my stomach is gone My heart feels tender and very sensitive. My body feels alive. No more raging monkey mind at this moment. I not only recognize the patterns, I can also tune out of them. I have to remain mindful and aware. Recognize when I get caught up in survival-mode thinking. Tap out of it, and focus on my breathing.

Lol this is like 1984. Doesn't sound conscious at all.

@theleelajoker that's what I've been doing my entire life

Hey all, I am debating whether to go on a silent retreat up to 1 year next year. Probably in Myanmar - or at least according to Mahasi Sayadaw's teachings - which worked really well for me in my last two-week retreat. Old thought patterns resurfaced however, and I feel more stuck than ever. I am starting therapy in a few weeks, but also thinking - I am in the lucky position that I am currently able to take a year off without too many consequences. I don't have kids, a partner - I have a good degree and can easily find a job, and I can sublet my room in a big city easily. So: why not? Now the reason why I write this post is I am curious to you all, Have you got any experience with very long retreats? Do you have any recommendations? I can go literally anywhere in the world.. Some stuf I should be aware of / think about before going? Cheers everyone