32 years old and a Single Woman

[Karmadhi]

12 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

It's a bit like sales. You can still sell stuff without being a used car salesman about it. But there is also a good reason why used car salesmen are the way they are, and why you shouldn't sleep with one.

If your product is good then you need to manipulate less because if you honestly talk about it it will appear like a great product. Used cars salesmen are sleezy people because usually their product is not that good so they need clever manipulation tactics to make it seem better than it is.

So from what you are saying raising your value as a guy is a good way not to be forced to manipulate as much. Of course i ll still manipulate, mostly unconsciously, it is just the type of fucked up manipulation like random ghosting and growing hot/cold for no reason which is what i really am against doing from an ethical pov. If working on myself hard (humour, confidence, ambition, gym, style, facial exercises, nice friends, hobbies, reading, good sex etc) will allow me to get decent girls without doing that toxic shit then im all up for it. Key word is decent here, i am never talking about banging 9/10 models. More like that cute introvert intellectual girl you see on your local starbucks reading a book by herself.

[Federico del pueblo]

14 hours ago, no_name said:

Sorry I still don’t get it. Could you give some examples of shallow behavioural  reasons? You mean if he is not very confident/alpha male/doesn’t know how to sweep you off your feet kind of stuff? 

He probably means really small and random, insignificant things.

Like "Idk... whenever he took a zip of his drink his pinky finger was sticking away from the glass, it looked so weird"

or

"the way he moved his head was kinda weird, and then he sometimes opened his eyes really wide while looking around in the environment, like this was such a silly facial expression, it creeped me out"

?? (Yeah, I just made that up).

[Leo Gura]

11 minutes ago, Karmadhi said:

If your product is good then you need to manipulate less because if you honestly talk about it it will appear like a great product.

Don't forget that a fool cannot recognize greatness. And therein lies most of womens' dating problems.

[Karmadhi]

23 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

Don't forget that a fool cannot recognize greatness. And therein lies most of womens' dating problems.

For sure.

Which is why i try to minimize it by focusing on introverted decent looking intellectual girls over extroverted hot party girls. The former tend to value things like wisdom, kindness and ambition more than party extroverted girls do. They tend to be more mature and wise is what im saying.  Also helps if she is not super hot but just cute (so attractive enough to fuck but not the "WOW so hot" kind of girl). Most of these types of girls that i know usually have dated quite good guys that were not player assholes. Player assholes tend to focus on the 9s and 10s instead of the 6s-6.5s.

 

 

Edited July 10, 2022 by Karmadhi

[no_name]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

emotional stimulation

Could you please give specific examples of emotional stimulation? I see you using that word a lot, I have an idea of what it means, but I would like to get a concrete definition.

[Clabber Girl]

In the past I certainly have been that party girl but in the past few years I have settled down to just working and socializing here and there I don't care for bars anymore. I like coffee shops and the library more to be honest, but I would still consider myself an extrovert.

here are some reasons I have rejected men:                                     Reasons men have rejected me in relationships

• Lied to me about his age                                                              - Stated there is no connection and mentioned that I did some immature things
• Didn't graduate high school
• Not ambitious 
• Drinks too much/smokes too much weed
• too religious 
• too republican/right leaning (many in my area are this way)

Am I too picky? Are these shallow reasons for rejecting a man?

Here are some reasons I have fallen for the wrong man that I KNOW are shallow consciously

• He was unavailable (I knew it deep down but ignored the signs)
• He had a sexy accent ... New Zealand accents ... yikes those are sexy
• He was a Doctor / Lawyer
• He smooth talked me in bed 
• He had lots of friends / social status

I know writing these down looks bad but it's my honest introspection and it sucks... But necessary. 

 

 

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Don't forget that a fool cannot recognize greatness. And therein lies most of womens' dating problems.

Ouch. I have seen myself look at other womens husbands/bfs and think "wow I wouldn't wanna be with him" b/c of XYZ shallow reason...  so I agree with you but  in reality, how do I quit being a dumb-ass/fool about this? My problem may be with recognizing greatness yes but how do you get better at that?....  

[integral]

1 hour ago, no_name said:

@integral I only dated him for 2-3 weeks, the problem was that we made out very early and he called me every day which messed with my head. Plus he was from my country so I wanted things to work out extra bad. Plus the way things ended was shocking to me, I am not used anymore to date that level of crazy and I was only dramatic for a day after it ended. 

But I think the takeaway for me is that I don’t trust my own judgment, I often seem to trust what other people tell me more than what I think is the truth. Plus it’s easy to guilt trip me, so I need to make sure I myself am an angel so that nothing can be used against me.

No judgment here, I've had and made plenty of terrible decisions when dating. There are all sorts of games people play. In my situation knowing who someone is and where there at happens in minutes. There is no lingering mystery or wondering or piecing to getter a image of who they are. The reason is taking so long to figure them out is because people are blinded by there emotional state and desires. Its self sabotage. + Neediness, insecurities, trauma... 

i know how they think, what they want and where they are going in life in about an hour conversation and to see right though there mask and games. Because I don't want anything from them. This is what you want to be able to do. Its a state of mind and capacity to asses someone, that is a skill that needs to be developed. 

If someone guilt trips you, you end it on the spot, make that a promise to yourself. The issue is its your weakness. If someone pulled these tactics on me it would have 0 effect, so i can handle a bit of it from a partner, but your situation is that its not tolerable and they will exploit it. If someone guilt trips they eater know what they are doing and choosing to do it anyways or lack the self-awareness to see what they are doing. Both cases your dealing with someone who is not mature and you need to end it. 

Edited July 10, 2022 by integral

[no_name]

7 minutes ago, integral said:

i know how they think, what they want and where they are going in life in about an hour conversation and to see right though there mask and games. Because I don't want anything from them. This is what you want to be able to do. Its a state of mind and capacity to asses someone, that is a skill that needs to be developed. 

How old are you? 

[integral]

23 minutes ago, no_name said:

How old are you? 

33 its not about age doe, it has to do if the skill is developed or not and if the inner security allows for it. 

Edited July 10, 2022 by integral

[no_name]

38 minutes ago, integral said:

If someone guilt trips you, you end it on the spot, make that a promise to yourself. The issue is its your weakness. If someone pulled these tactics on me it would have 0 effect, so i can handle a bit of it from a partner, but your situation is that its not tolerable and they will exploit it. If someone guilt trips they eater know what they are doing and choosing to do it anyways or lack the self-awareness to see what they are doing. Both cases your dealing with someone who is not mature and you need to end it. 

But I guilt trip too. How can I expect others not to do it if I do it myself? That would be hypocrisy. I don’t do it on purpose, although sometimes I might, but because it’s a behaviour I learned from my family/culture. I do try to “play” clean though, but I am not always successful.

[no_name]

42 minutes ago, integral said:

No judgment here, I've had and made plenty of terrible decisions when dating. There are all sorts of games people play. In my situation knowing who someone is and where there at happens in minutes. There is no lingering mystery or wondering or piecing to getter a image of who they are. The reason is taking so long to figure them out is because people are blinded by there emotional state and desires. Its self sabotage. + Neediness, insecurities, trauma... 

i know how they think, what they want and where they are going in life in about an hour conversation and to see right though there mask and games. Because I don't want anything from them. This is what you want to be able to do. Its a state of mind and capacity to asses someone, that is a skill that needs to be developed. 

I agree, you need to be detached. That is why I don’t think it’s a good idea to get intimate with guys too fast because it will cloud your judgment. Also, not invest too much time into a guy during the “get to know him phase” to remain detached. Lead the date and treat it as an interview, learn to ask good questions. What kind of questions do you ask? How did you develop the skill to asses someone? 
 

I think oftentimes I lack discipline and break my own rules, I have solid theories, but fail to commit to them in practice. And if I don’t respect my own rules, then how can I expect others people to respect them? It all starts with how I treat myself myself.

[integral]

19 minutes ago, no_name said:

But I guilt trip too. How can I expect others not to do it if I do it myself? That would be hypocrisy. I don’t do it on purpose, although sometimes I might, but because it’s a behaviour I learned from my family/culture. I do try to “play” clean though, but I am not always successful.

Its still ok to end it because your looking for a high quality man who does not play these games. Yes is hypocrisy, its a dirty business. A issue that might come up is you wont be able to keep the high quality man once you get him or the high quality man wont choose you because your not developed enough. A high quality man if committed to you will likely work with you to grow and develop, its not a lost cause, but you likely wont be able to identify him in the wild because your ok with games.

Look for the guy who isn't playing manipulative games! Guilt tripping and other tactics need to be identified and used to filter men out. And of course they are wearing masks deliberately avoiding using these tactics until much later on in the relationship... know when the mask comes off.

Edited July 10, 2022 by integral

[integral]

57 minutes ago, no_name said:

What kind of questions do you ask? How did you develop the skill to asses someone? 

Great question, maybe @Leo Gura can answer this one. It has a lot to do with going down the path of personal growth and development and from there you'll have a clear vision of the values your looking in another. Then naturally questions ill come to mind and connections will be made about the person. Basically if you don't know what a high quality person looks like how can you identify one? How can we know what a high quality person looks like? We study and practice personal development. 

Making a list of good questions to ask is like pick up tricks for woman. Maybe its useful doe not sure. What you definitely want to figure out is what he values and fast. Id try to figure out how affectionate they are and there level of empathy and if they have good work ethic and secure attachment style. But to figure this out means to have a good grasp of it yourself. 

Edited July 10, 2022 by integral

[no_name]

51 minutes ago, integral said:

It has a lot to do with going down the path of personal growth and development and from there you'll have a clear vision of the values your looking in another. Then naturally questions ill come to mind and connections will be made about the person. Basically if you don't know what a high quality person looks like how can you identify one? How can we know what a high quality person looks like? We study and practice personal development. 

But then what ends up happening is that high quality conscious men are pretty rare. Combine that with other people (including men you date) telling you you’re too picky and demanding, what you’re screening for are “shallow things”, or that you’re searching for red flags on purpose, a few negative experiences and you end up settling for a guy who is “not too bad” yet still pretty unhealthy. Kind of like what’s better a sparrow in your hand or a crane bird in the sky? 
 

So you need to be able to stand your ground and be firm on what you want and keep believing it will show up or settle for less.
 

If you go for the first option, it does require a strong character, I guess there’s no other choice but not to listen to what anyone else says but only trust yourself, but then how do you grow. I guess you really need to only listen to people who have done amazing things in life and absolutely tune out everyone else. The problem is that dumbest people are the loudest (even on this forum, I mean that’s why I keep asking how old people are because you have 20 year old kids super arrogant and opinionated here talking down to you as if they got it all figured out).
 

But I guess this is all mental masturbation. There is no shortcut to healthy relationship it’s all about developing yourself.

Edited July 10, 2022 by no_name

[Leo Gura]

I should do a vid on How To Assess Good Character. People are bad at that in general, not just women.

[mmKay]

47 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I should do a vid on How To Assess Good Character. People are bad at that in general, not just women.

 

these two were good on the topic

 

[Jacob Morres]

@Leo Gura that'd be ?

[integral]

15 hours ago, no_name said:

Combine that with other people (including men you date) telling you you’re too picky and demanding, what you’re screening for are “shallow things”, or that you’re searching for red flags on purpose

Red flag, a manipulative game. Everyone does this to some degree they try to change there partner to better suit what they like and what makes them happy. Got to stick to your values and be confident in your beliefs. 

15 hours ago, no_name said:

If you go for the first option, it does require a strong character, I guess there’s no other choice but not to listen to what anyone else says but only trust yourself, but then how do you grow. I guess you really need to only listen to people who have done amazing things in life and absolutely tune out everyone else. The problem is that dumbest people are the loudest (even on this forum, I mean that’s why I keep asking how old people are because you have 20 year old kids super arrogant and opinionated here talking down to you as if they got it all figured out).
 

But I guess this is all mental masturbation. There is no shortcut to healthy relationship it’s all about developing yourself.

Its not mental masturbation its a important insight into your personal struggle. There is no one to trust but yourself with making sense of the world, its not about listening to others its about taking in all the different perspectives people say and deciding for yourself what works and what doesn't. But that process isnt so simple, its 99% self-deception and games we play with out selfs to keep us blind or ignorant. All that needs to be worked on.

 

Edited July 11, 2022 by integral

[StarStruck]

You also have to be realistic on what you can attract as a 32 year old woman. It won’t be the same quality man you could attract when you were 22. This is painful and many people won’t tell you this but it is the truth: a lot of women have trouble accepting this and get bitter. They want the cake and eat it too. You could still compensate your age with personality and other things but that doesn’t change what I said. That is what hot girls don’t get. She will get the best deal in her younger fertile life. Guys also have to deal with realism but it is a different kind of realism. 

Edited July 11, 2022 by StarStruck

[integral]

@StarStruck I think your projecting your biases, that anyone over 25 in your mind is evaluated as far less attractive. This is your standard for attraction.