Asperger and self-help

[Fernanda]

I figured I might have Asperger for a variery of solid reasons.

I never enjoyed labeling characteristics or conditions, as I think some distinctions might not be useful. I always avoided "diagnosis" in general.

But I think it has been helpful to realize differences as it easier to love deeply the aspects in ourselves we do understand, so I am investigating more deeply how my brain operates and why some things that seem so easy to most people are hard for me and vice versa.

Now I am aware I may seem odd to most people and I am learning to love that, instead of hating and trying to change it somehow. 

I struggle a lot with executing really simple tasks in daily life- I really do- at the same time I have such rare gifts most people wouldn't get in a lifetime. 

I also struggle with intimate relationships. I don't find the attraction game hard, but it is hard for me accepting other's limitations when in a relationship. I think I project my perfectionism and high standards on to them, but it is not on purpose, I just don't see things the same way as they do. I can't help it. I would really like to get married but somehow it seems I wasn't born for that. I think I've developed a fear of hurting the people I love the most.

Despite all that, I've developed an imense capacity for love and my mind is pretty open and non judgemental.

I would appreciate if anyone with Asperger could share something about it. Should I get a proper diagnosis, would it help somehow? Are you able to keep intimate relationships?

It's very important ❤ Thank you.

[Fernanda]

4 minutes ago, JoeVolcano said:

I don't know anything about Asperger but I don't see anything in what you wrote that I'd consider symptomatic of some condition, other than being human. The things you describe seem pretty common and relatable to me, nothing special about them.

Good to know that. 

Cheers.

[Nilsi]

This is a nice little tool to help you diffentiate and become more aware of your emotions

[Mikey]

6 hours ago, Fernanda said:

I think I project my perfectionism and high standards on to them, but it is not on purpose, I just don't see things the same way as they do. I can't help it.

Just have boundaries. Once boundaries are clear in relationship then you can be yourself and no one gives a shit. 

[r0ckyreed]

7 hours ago, Fernanda said:

I would appreciate if anyone with Asperger could share something about it. Should I get a proper diagnosis, would it help somehow? Are you able to keep intimate relationships?

It's very important ❤ Thank you.

If you are going to create an identity out of being Aspergian, it might be a good idea to have another perspective, possibly a mental health counselor/practitioner. Self-diagnosis can be dangerous if you don’t know what your doing. Of course, the diagnosis game is arbitrary.

I have Aspergers and ADHD, but I never defined myself by it. I saw myself in a positive light. I was not very social, had trouble communicating, but I loved spending time alone playing with toys and things more than with other children. I still kinda do this today, but with my mind. I know some people who have autism suffer from negative outcomes of being isolated. But for me, I was always labeled as weird by others, but I never cared what they thought because I was more interested in music, tennis, chess, etc. 

I was also very hyperactive and never knew how to “act” in social situations. But I focused my energy on what I liked rather than social drama. I was obsessed with being the best at whatever I did. I was a perfectionist. I could spend hours doing the same thing over and over again, as repetitive behaviors are a symptom of autism spectrum or aspergers. 

Today, I am similar. I never had medication. Activities that trained my focus such as tennis, trumpet, chess, magic, etc. were my “medication” that helped me build the skills to manage symptoms and enhance them in positive ways.

But remember, you are not a diagnosis. You are unique. However, diagnosis can be a great tool to help you understand how unique you are.

Edited June 27, 2022 by r0ckyreed

[Mormegil]

7 hours ago, Fernanda said:

I would appreciate if anyone with Asperger could share something about it. Should I get a proper diagnosis, would it help somehow?

Similar to you, I'm noticing some symptoms within myself for a while now, but also don't have a diagnosis yet. Diagnosing Asperger or some other form of Autism on grown-ups is very tricky, since so much of our behavior is just layers of conditioning.

However I'm planning on tackling this question soon. I would really like to know for sure, whats going on there, 'cause to me basically everything that helps to better understand myself is worth a try. For example it would help defning clear strengths and weaknesses, which is good to know for your carreer. It could clear up certain behavior, that other people consider as odd. And it could help with defining boundaries and limitations, which is very important for having good relationships.

So, I'm sure it would help alot (many people with autism say that their diagnosis was a huge relief for them), why not go for it?

Also, I'm not too familar with Asperger, but with autism in general, it's more like a spectrum with a wide range of symptoms, rather than simply being a "yes" or "no" question. Many cases are somewhere on that spectrum.

 

7 hours ago, Fernanda said:

Now I am aware I may seem odd to most people and I am learning to love that, instead of hating and trying to change it somehow. 

This is definetely the right thing to do (diagnosed or not), don't beat yourself up for that. But like I said, having a diagnosis, really could make this much more clear to you.

Wish you good luck and all the best!

[Fernanda]

22 hours ago, Mikey said:

Just have boundaries. Once boundaries are clear in relationship then you can be yourself and no one gives a shit. 

Yes. When it's time to set boundaries, usually people get scared, because I need a lot of time alone and expect people to be there for me when I want connection. That is why open relationships or those which don't demand commitment work best for me. But at the same time I wish I had someone who could fully commit to who I am. It's tricky.

Edited June 27, 2022 by Fernanda

[Fernanda]

21 hours ago, r0ckyreed said:

If you are going to create an identity out of being Aspergian, it might be a good idea to have another perspective, possibly a mental health counselor/practitioner. Self-diagnosis can be dangerous if you don’t know what your doing. Of course, the diagnosis game is arbitrary.

I dont want to create an identity,  but I guess it could be helpful for my carreer,  as you said. I am in conflict here.

21 hours ago, r0ckyreed said:

but I loved spending time alone playing with toys and things more than with other children

Yes. I was a lonely child who loved to read, but I always found people who got facinated by my intelligence, so I felt a little less lonely at times. I still spend A LOT of time alone. Do you still need time alone?

21 hours ago, r0ckyreed said:

as repetitive behaviors are a symptom of autism spectrum or aspergers. 

That's the thing I am struggling the most. I think the patterns of repetitive behaviors are getting worse somehow. I can really get obsessed with a subject or something and I can't get my focus out of there. I need to find some healthy practices for that 

21 hours ago, r0ckyreed said:

But remember, you are not a diagnosis. You are unique. However, diagnosis can be a great tool to help you understand how unique you are.

Thank you. I will never forget that.❤

Edited June 27, 2022 by Fernanda

[Fernanda]

@Mormegil thank you?

Let me me know if you went further with the diagnosis. I am pondering about that, it's tough even to find good doctors around here.

Edited June 27, 2022 by Fernanda

[r0ckyreed]

16 hours ago, Fernanda said:

Do you still need time alone?

Yes. I love my time alone. My mind fascinates me more than other people. Social life can be very awkward for me because I only love talking about controversial things and things few people are interested in like philosophy for instance.

16 hours ago, Fernanda said:

That's the thing I am struggling the most. I think the patterns of repetitive behaviors are getting worse somehow. I can really get obsessed with a subject or something and I can't get my focus out of there. I need to find some healthy practices for that 

I’ve always seen obsession and repetitive behaviors as a positive. I have always been obsessed by things that I love. Meditation and doing other activities may be helpful. But I think following your obsession can be good if your obsession is aligned with your heart.

[Leo Gura]

My ex-gf had Asperger's. She was pretty chill and easy to get along with, although she had problems with people at work.

She was actually easier to get along with intimately than most girls, who are drama queens.

Asperger's tamps down the feminine chaos. At least that was my impression with her.

[thisintegrated]

The test for Asperger's is less exhaustive than your average MBTI test.

Unless you're literally disabled and can't read facial expressions, then I'd say completely disregard the idea.

It's far more useful to understand how you actually function, e.g. by learning cognitive functions.  Literally ALL INTPs would be considered autistic by any psychologist looking for autistic traits in you.

[Proserpina]

8 minutes ago, thisintegrated said:

The test for Asperger's is less exhaustive than your average MBTI test.

Unless you're literally disabled and can't read facial expressions, then I'd say completely disregard the idea.

It's far more useful to understand how you actually function, e.g. by learning cognitive functions.  Literally ALL INTPs would be considered autistic by any psychologist looking for autistic traits in you.

That's true.  Also enneagram 5. 

Although I think neither psychological labelling really get to the heart of it.  I often feel like I have actual attributes of disability and its genetic (my Dad is ESTP, my sister ENFP).  But mbti and enneagram is a closer estimation of what it actually means.  

Edited June 29, 2022 by Proserpina

[Fernanda]

1 hour ago, Leo Gura said:

Asperger's tamps down the feminine chaos. At least that was my impression with her.

That's right. I am radically honest and I can't help it, but the caring and chilling part is still there. It can be hard to some people and good for others. I have to chose a lot who I can relate with, though.

Good to know about your experience. Thanks ?

[Fernanda]

26 minutes ago, thisintegrated said:

The test for Asperger's is less exhaustive than your average MBTI test.

Unless you're literally disabled and can't read facial expressions, then I'd say completely disregard the idea.

You are right. It's hard to trust tests and specialists on that. I've investigated a lot and I am pretty sure I share many traits. I spent a lot of time practicing being social and "reading" people. By now, I could say I got even good at it. Sometimes when something doesn't come by default and you have to learn it the hard way you can be better than average, which is ironic. But I invested a lot learning to socialize because it used to drain my energy. Now, I am researching how to improve my focus. Thanks

[Reciprocality]

You can triangulate some sense of your behavior by testing for all sorts of things, including Asperger, but it makes little sense to say that you are a statistical representation.

You can not have Asperger unless you are Asperger, therefore as in line with the above it is absurd to predicate Asperger of you, though there surely are instances of people where it would be more absurd.

 

This does not help you with how to understand the diagnosis itself, as neither were it supposed to, it is meant for you to consider yourself as though you are Asperger, but not literally so. If having is not being then having means little to nothing.

 

There is a triviality of the classification itself which admittedly has no bearing on the importance of considering yourself antithetically and synthetically in relation to the idea of the diagnosis and the many symptoms under it, it is not merely a quantitative matter of degrees that makes for the triviality aforementioned but a paradigmatic matter of which ideal diagnosis could be by statistical means best predicated of you that is far from real today, and that even this ideal would not as a statistics essentialize you but merely be better as a means for making sense of how you behave.

 

The system is simplified the way it is for good reasons that has to to with scarcity, it would be like a sin to reduce ones own comprehension of oneself to that which makes the bear minimum run its wheels, I do not suggest that you have done so in particular, only that it appears a lot in general.

[Fernanda]

@Reciprocality I might be using an imprecise wording here, as "being" and "having" are quite different, indeed. I know how I've been all my life and I know I share many states of being with people who have been reportedly diagnosed as such. As I said, I didn’t even have a clue about any of that before, I just knew there was something different about me that I just couldn't make sense of, and now I can. As we raise in consciousness, we learn to love ourselves better and we can confront somethings fearlessly, as we are not so bothered or identified with the relative, so to speak. But as you have beautifully written no diagnosis could possibly "ESSENTIALIZE" me. It's just a compass for making sense of my direct experience/behaviors. As Leo said, it's second order stuff. 

 

Edited June 29, 2022 by Fernanda

[Ethan1]

From my experience I've been called autistic by multiple people because of misreading subtle social cues and not understanding the "Hidden curriculum".

In my opinion, it's just a difference of brain cognition and what makes us uniquely different. I mean, even using terms like "high functioning" is hard to put a finger on. Describing someone as a low functioning neurotypical disorder seems odd

I don't think it would hurt to get more perspectives to get clarity. 

Neurodiversity is becoming more common knowledge online so I do believe its easier to chat with others with similar situations. Wouldn't hurt to connect with a community of individuals that have aspergers or autism to feel validated on your experiences. Wouldn't doubt that a large amount of people on this website have a form of neurodiversity and are misunderstood. 

Especially to get clarity in regards to executive functioning. Relationships. Social skills.

Should I get a proper diagnosis, would it help somehow?

It depends on your adaptability and ability to function in day to day situations. It could help you better find tools to adapt to a neurotypical society. Especially if you're struggling with simple tasks. 

Are you able to keep intimate relationships?

Yeah. I think it depends on the individual and their personal circumstances. Every person is different on emotional attachment & commitment. I've seen plenty of committed humans. Let love come and let love go freely. 

Lastly, I've had experiences where the brain does synchronize. Having the ability to interpret complex social cues automatically and emotions. Whereas having to manually interpret innuendos, implications, or subtle social cues are super taxing. Psycholingustic shenanigans that a neurotypical takes forgranted because it's like driving an automatic car without a clutch. 

Its like being born without knowing a foreign language in a country full of people that intuitively know the language. Which others don't take the time to understand your own unique understanding. 

I have been working on a mind map for autism & indirect communication to better visually conceptualize Autism and aspergers. 

 

 

 

Edited June 29, 2022 by Ethan1

[Fernanda]

7 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

Lastly, I've had experiences where the brain does synchronize. Having the ability to interpret complex social cues automatically and emotions. Whereas having to manually interpret innuendos, implications, or subtle social cues are super taxing.

That's exactly it! Not only I cannot get subtle social clues but I find super exausting having to attend to social norms and events, because I get hypersensitive about everything around me, because the broad and complex connections run crazy inside my mind, and most of the times it's telling me clearly that those societal things don't make any sense. I can't even explain, but I've trained all my life so I could handle it a little better and enjoy the odness of it.

7 hours ago, Ethan1 said:

I have been working on a mind map for autism & indirect communication to better visually conceptualize Autism and aspergers. 

That's great. Let me know when you finish it ? thank you for bringing your perspective.

[Ethan1]

Yeah, it gets super confusing when people say one thing but the actions and nonverbal communication may have multiple interpretations all at once. Leading to a ton gray nuance situations. 

Especially when some people aren't even aware they do certain behaviors. Such as in certain contexts when people cross their arms when they're uncomfortable. Sending all sorts of social cues but when addressing the gesture directly people go to plausible denability which is super confusing. Eventhough it's common knowledge. Leading to situations where people "act" and follow silly social scripts. Humans are silly. 

 

As if a mental ping pong. Atleast that's how I feel with some small talk. Then group ping pong is too much. So I simply observe. Having to wear a silly social mask and follow certain social scripts to not be considered awkward to keep the flow steady. 

I feel ya on high sensitivity to social complexity with picking up all the  information. This stuff gets confusing having to break down so many contexts. Then use inference.. Like the brain is connecting dots with irrelevant information. High context communication is super taxing. 

Dang nail gets confusing at times.. 

 

Edited June 30, 2022 by Ethan1