I don't want to be a girlfriend... What kind of relationship I should be looking for?

[Preety_India]

I don't want to be a girlfriend anymore. I don't want the pressures and rigors of being a girlfriend. I played that role for some time now and it kinda sucks for all the right reasons. 

So what of a relationship should I be looking for? The ones that offer intimacy without the need to be a girlfriend? 

 I'll explain this in detail. 

So like my second ex boyfriend. He once got me a dress. A black dress

And I usually never wear black. And I didn't like the dress. I told him that I didn't want to wear it but he kept insisting that I do it for him. 

I have found this with men that I am never attracted to submissive puppy type men, and I'm usually attracted to the cocky bossy guys because I kinda feel Sexual around them. You know what I mean. 

But the problem with such guys is that they can be excessively controlling. 

And I have been tired of serving them and being their submissive gf. 

I want to experience the Masculinity of a man, especially these cocky guys but without having to be their girlfriend the obligations of being a girlfriend. 

Like some of these ex boyfriends wanted me to marry them. Like Joseph my ex boyfriend used to pressure me to marry him. So I kinda wanted the relationship or the feel of the relationship but I didn't want to marry him.. 

I didn't want to marry any of my boyfriends. 

The problem is that they would pressure me into such obligations and commitments. Like being a gf. Being available on time. 

Like sometimes I used to come home tired and not wanting to talk or chat and just wanting to sleep and my exes would really get pissed off 

And there would be days when I didn't feel like talking to them. Then this whole burden of turning up for dates on time, committing to be their future wife. Committing to marry them when I wasn't sure. 

Sometimes they would get incredibly jealous if I was talking to some other guy. So there was that. Dealing with their jealousy. 

So I guess I just wanted to experience some happiness with a guy without all the TORTURE. 

You know what I mean now

I like to wake up and feel free and not caged and tied up. 

Edited June 20, 2022 by Preety_India

[Federico del pueblo]

What do you mean? Whether it's exclusive or non-exclusive or some other kind of categorization?

[Preety_India]

@Federico del pueblo exclusive but not a gf. No obligations. 

[Razard86]

4 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 I played that role for some time now and it kinda sucks for all the right reasons. 

 

 

Mind unpacking this? For all the right reasons you said....

[Federico del pueblo]

@Preety_India hmm...I don't think it can work like that. You probably can't just cherry-pick the positives of typical exclusive relationship without also accepting the "negatives" (having certain obligations).

Theoretically you could negotiate any kind of relationship you could ever imagine, like having a guy who is your submissive puppy that you control and dominate, whilst he happily just fulfills any desire you ever have without wanting anything back, but you'll likely not find anyone who agrees on that deal ?

[Preety_India]

4 minutes ago, Razard86 said:

Mind unpacking this? For all the right reasons you said....

For starters, always being emotionally available to emotionally unavailable men. 

 

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Federico del pueblo said:

like having a guy who is your submissive puppy

I'd rather be his submissive puppy minus the obligation.. 

For me the pressure of a relationship was always a problem. 

I don't want the stress and pressure of having to do something for my boyfriend. 

They would always pressure me to do things that weren't in my wish. 

And I was always easily dominated. Because I'm naturally the submissive one. 

 

So I'm looking for a guy who will give me the pleasures of a relationship without excessive domination and pressure. 

Even if he is dominating, it's fine but I don't want the pressures. 

 

[Federico del pueblo]

@Preety_India well I think the only thing you need to do is to clarify exactly this issue with your next partner.

This might not be easy to do, especially if there are certain social conventions that sort of "don't allow" this kind of relationship where you live (if that's the case, which I'm not sure about).

But you either find someone who's ok with it (by agreeing on the rules of the relationship at the beginning of it) or you don't find anyone.

Nobody can know this before trying it out.

It would basically like a friendship+ but exclusive.

[Preety_India]

@Federico del pueblo @Razard86

Oki I'll explain this in detail. 

So like my second ex boyfriend. He once got me a dress. A black dress

And I usually never wear black. And I didn't like the dress. I told him that I didn't want to wear it but he kept insisting that I do it for him. 

I have found this with men that I am never attracted to submissive puppy type men, and I'm usually attracted to the cocky bossy guys because I kinda feel Sexual around them. You know what I mean. 

But the problem with such guys is that they can be excessively controlling. 

And I have been tired of serving them and being their submissive gf. 

I want to experience the Masculinity of a man, especially these cocky guys but without having to be their girlfriend the obligations of being a girlfriend. 

Like some of these ex boyfriends wanted me to marry them. Like Joseph my ex boyfriend used to pressure me to marry him. So I kinda wanted the relationship or the feel of the relationship but I didn't want to marry him.. 

I didn't want to marry any of my boyfriends. 

The problem is that they would pressure me into such obligations and commitments. Like being a gf. Being available on time. 

Like sometimes I used to come home tired and not wanting to talk or chat and just wanting to sleep and my exes would really get pissed off 

And there would be days when I didn't feel like talking to them 

 

Then this whole burden of turning up for dates on time, committing to be their future wife. Committing to marry them when I wasn't sure. 

Sometimes they would get incredibly jealous if I was talking to some other guy. So there was that. Dealing with their jealousy. 

So I guess I just wanted to experience some happiness with a guy without all the TORTURE. 

You know what I mean now

 

 

[Federico del pueblo]

@Preety_India ok, this is all a bit tricky.

I don't know how much of this has to do with cultural factors (but I assume there are some), because it sounds a bit like these guys were machos who believe that they own a woman.

I get that the cocky and kind of dominant/strong guy is more sexually interesting than the submissive puppy kind of guy.

But it doesn't have to be like a confident/cocky/strong guy must be very controlling too. This sounds like a rather poorly developed man who has managed to develop masculine traits, but only in the most shallow and kind of toxic (macho) way.

You simply have to look for better men. The ones who'll give you the space you need, don't put tons of pressure on you regarding silly, irrelevant things (like whether you wear some black dress) and respect your boundaries.

Of course if it's supposed to be a relationship, there will still be some obligations.

That's why it's so good to not immediately be in a relationship after 2 dates or so, it gives you time to really screen a guy and observe his behaviours over a longer period of time.

And if he then by the 5th date starts to become a controlling, narcissistic freak you simply cut him out without having to end any relationship.

[Preety_India]

@Federico del pueblo it's fine if he is a narcissistic freak, I'm learning to embrace and accept however a person, no care for their mental disorder or their personality flaws, plus I am pretty much used to dealing with narcissists, they aren't as bad as made out to be, lots of people that are way worse than narcissists. 

The only thing I'm looking for is zero pressure and no obligations/commitment 

 

As long as these two are accepted, I will be completely fine being around that person and even feel more free. 

I'm a freedom loving person so I don't want the caged feeling. 

 

 

[Razard86]

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

@Federico del pueblo @Razard86

Oki I'll explain this in detail. 

So like my second ex boyfriend. He once got me a dress. A black dress

And I usually never wear black. And I didn't like the dress. I told him that I didn't want to wear it but he kept insisting that I do it for him. 

I have found this with men that I am never attracted to submissive puppy type men, and I'm usually attracted to the cocky bossy guys because I kinda feel Sexual around them. You know what I mean. 

But the problem with such guys is that they can be excessively controlling. 

And I have been tired of serving them and being their submissive gf. 

I want to experience the Masculinity of a man, especially these cocky guys but without having to be their girlfriend the obligations of being a girlfriend. 

Like some of these ex boyfriends wanted me to marry them. Like Joseph my ex boyfriend used to pressure me to marry him. So I kinda wanted the relationship or the feel of the relationship but I didn't want to marry him.. 

I didn't want to marry any of my boyfriends. 

The problem is that they would pressure me into such obligations and commitments. Like being a gf. Being available on time. 

Like sometimes I used to come home tired and not wanting to talk or chat and just wanting to sleep and my exes would really get pissed off 

And there would be days when I didn't feel like talking to them 

 

Then this whole burden of turning up for dates on time, committing to be their future wife. Committing to marry them when I wasn't sure. 

Sometimes they would get incredibly jealous if I was talking to some other guy. So there was that. Dealing with their jealousy. 

So I guess I just wanted to experience some happiness with a guy without all the TORTURE. 

You know what I mean now

 

 

Read this first. https://www.mind-your-reality.com/everyone-is-your-mirror.html

The key to having the type of relationship you want is to figure out you. You need to be radically honest with yourself about what you like. You also need to pay attention to projection.  Read about it here. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/projection

We all do it from time to time. But the key to getting the relationships we want is to stop looking at the situation as something happening to us. Life doesn't happen to us, we happen and we experience our happenings lol. Nobody enters into a relationship with us without our permission. Nobody does anything repeatedly without our permission.

It is human nature for us to blame others for things, it makes us feel good. But that is why few people ever get what they want. It is when we look at ourselves and the part we played that we can see how certain situations arise. It takes two people to be in a relationship, and two people to fight. Both played a role, which means both should take ownership. 

It you can face yourself and the role you play then you can find the solutions you need.

Here are some tips.

1. Find out what you like and don't like and make a list. This needs to be what attracts you, and ask yourself if it is healthy. Take responsibility for what you are attracted too. People say attraction isn't a choice, it is. I've tested it out in my own life and what you are attracted to is heavily influenced by your beliefs. Change your beliefs you change the attraction.

2. Figure out what role you want to play in a relationship, and figure out what role you want the guy to play.

3. Be willing to negotiate. If you cannot negotiate the relationship will die. Negotiation is the lifeblood of all relationships.

4. Forgiveness. You need to be willing to forgive yourself and the other person. Guilt kills love quick in a relationship.

5. Get rid of the notion of expectations and duty. Do everything out of love, which means only do something that you want and not because you think you have to. Otherwise you will harbor resentment when it isn't done back to you (reciprocated). 

6. Whatever you feel is lacking in the relationship don't always look to your partner to fill it. If the relationship is lacking excitement and you think that is something you good at bringing, then bring the excitement. A relationship is a team game, both parties are needed for the game to succeed. 

[Leo Gura]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

@Federico del pueblo exclusive but not a gf. No obligations. 

I just want to eat the crispy chicken skin without the chicken meat.

Hehe

[Natasha]

@Preety_India Got to work on your daddy issues. Is/was your papa a controlling type?

Edited June 20, 2022 by Natasha

[Preety_India]

@Natasha not at all. My father was extremely passive submissive type. He was almost a slave to my mom.  He was extremely loyal, faithful and super caring to me. 

I was Daddys girl and he was super protective of me, almost spoiled me. I couldn't have asked for a better dad. 

 

I inherited his submissive behavior. Probably genetically. 

Both me and my dad had submissive doormat behaviors. 

He was a doormat to my mother. I was a doormat to my ex boyfriends. 

 

[Preety_India]

16 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

I just want to eat the crispy chicken skin without the chicken meat.

Hehe

Yea kinda. 

[puporing]

That's something you have to cultivate (ie, lead), coz most people will default to something they know/have known. And for that to happen also it has to seem fair too, so be reasonable about what you are asking from them too. 

Then there's short-term dating if you can mentally handle it.

Edited June 20, 2022 by puporing

[Preety_India]

@puporing yea I would want some on a mutual wavelength, someone who doesn't care about obligations either. 

 

[puporing]

@Preety_India It's harder with hyper-masculine types, even though they can be alluring, they're often the most possessive and strict about things like marriage, strict monogamy, children, and "ownership" (that's actually alot out of someone if you think about it, unless that's all lining up with what the woman wants too, basically asking someone to give up their life for them).

Just sharing bit of my experience with that, so you might not get your "ideal" so to speak but there are definitely guys out there who might be open to giving you some sovereignty. 

Edited June 20, 2022 by puporing

[Proserpina]

I'm not impressed by most men.  I need a man who is on my level,  spiritually.  That's the only way - and healthy way- a guy is going to dominate me and possess me. 

Mostly I can create that kind of man in my head and during mystic states but mostly I focus on being in a relationship with humanity.  That's what fulfils me.  

Maybe that might work for you.