How are you going about uncovering your devilry?

[Thought Art]

Recently I was in a coaching program but I had an ego backlash and did everything I could to get out of it. I realized it was simply too early for me and I have to spend the next 3-5 years working on myself before I can start a business. I have some issues with regards to trust, finances, etc.

Regardless. I would describe my behaviour as potentially manipulative and devil like. A problem I am finding is that I am almost fragmented. When I feel scared, uncomfortable, etc It's almost like another me comes into play and starts fucking with me. I start demonizing others, feeling paranoid, thinking people just want my money etc. I start feeling this neediness like I need peoples attention.  I notice that my perspective becomes constricted, I start seeing all the problems with reality instead of the solutions. I distract myself with youtube shorts or youtube videos. I swear, or curse or I complain or demonize. 

I think that I actually have a very toxic aspect to myself that needs to be addressed if I am going to be successful. I think my attachment style is something like disorganized avoidant. 

I want to live a life of integrity. Right now I really need to spend the next 5 years building solid foundations. Because if I don't build these foundations in my:

1. Character, integrity, foresight, maturity, groundedness

2. Financial health and systems

3. Skillset, education, qualification 

4. Mental Health

5. Spiritual practice

6. Cognitive behaviour

7. Qigong, yoga/ Skeletal/ muscular and spiritual integration/ alignment

I think I need to stay at my current job, build up a healthy savings and enjoy a higher level of groundedness, maturity, well being and develop the feeling of safety and self love. I find myself coming in and out. It seems I am sometimes at a higher state of consciousness and other times at a lower state. I am slowly developing self trust, but I also know I am not to fully trust myself yet.

 

Here is a list of ways I want to start to notice my devil like behaviour and begin to self reflect and correct it because its going to sabotage all my success in life. 

1. Start a Devilry file in my reMarkable tablet and begin defining what a devil is to me, build this definition over time and begin noticing how I am actually a devil

2. Be open and honest with myself when I am in a devil like state and begin noticing how I enjoy my devil and victim like attitude. 

3. Notice how others are devils in their own way and develop compassion for them and for myself because I know first hand how hard it is to be a good person

 

Devilry is a real issue. I no longer think of myself as a good person but instead want to see myself for who I really am. I will continue along my purification, maturing and life mastery process. Until I build a solid foundation there is no success to be had in the social/ business domain of life. 

 

Edited January 25, 2022 by Thought Art

[Breakingthewall]

there is another option. if you really want something, you do it, and you adapt as you can, and do what is necessary. I guess maybe it's not the wisest thing to do, but the other way around, you never start. a powerful enough desire flattens obstacles, external and internal

[Thought Art]

@Breakingthewall yes

Im honestly terrified and it’s really really hard

Edited January 26, 2022 by Thought Art

[Breakingthewall]

You do not have to do it. only if you want it so much that you can't help but do it. doing it because you're supposed to is a very likely failure. The time will come, if it comes. On second thought, you are absolutely right in your post. rushing can be stupid

[Thought Art]

@Breakingthewall I have to be a man of integrity and honour my word. I signed up for a reason. I might as well follow through all the way instead of being a fucking coward.

[Loba]

Writing about it, writing your dreams and so forth.  Accepting and loving that aspect of yourself.
My friend used to tell me, "We are all broken toys, it's okay."
I agree with him.  We're all just trying to heal and purify what doesn't hit the light, just know that it is going to be okay and that you will have a time of ease after the stress of seeing who you really are.

It could be wonderful, mixed with terrible, too.  Like, there is always God to be found in everything.
Even devilry.

 

[Thought Art]

Yes, I’ve messaged the company to apologize and to do the wisest more high integrity thing I can going forward. Whether it’s rejoining the program… or if they don’t accept me back allowing them to keep the money as I promised I would pay instead of demanding a refund. 
 

I’d rather have self respect looking back at myself in 5 years than see I was being a greasy coward.

[Koeke]

Beautiful post @Thought Art !  

49 minutes ago, Thought Art said:

I have to be a man of integrity and honour my word. I signed up for a reason. I might as well follow through all the way instead of being a fucking coward.

Respect man. 

Also, I respect that you can admit that you wanted to move too fast with your business. You can channel that energy into pushing your boundaries a little harder when working on your foundations. 

Btw: shouldn't relationships be part of your foundations list?

[Bob Seeker]

There is definitely a way out of negative thinking and fearfulness, but I’m not sure that focusing on it and calling it devilry is the best way.

maybe work toward seeing things from a different perspective.

i think your idea of healing yourself is positive but really focusing on “your devilry” may not be. I don’t really see how drilling yourself for it would make you more brave.

i think the only good reason for doing that is because you want a clearer conscience, not because you want to be more brave

I don’t know, that’s just my initial thoughts

Edited January 26, 2022 by Bob Seeker

[Flowerfaeiry]

Your soul is pure 

[soos_mite_ah]

1. Going to therapy: it helps to have someone who has a 3rd person pov on your life and who is analyzing you professionally to call out your biases and shortsightedness 

2. Journaling: There are times where I ruminate on things but then when I put it on paper there is a part of me that sees it and thinks "wtaf am I thinking?" 

3. Educating myself on a variety of points of view: Devilry can often occur when we aren't taking the pov's of other parties involved and acting from a point of self interest instead. Staying educated can help you get out of your perspective and therefore get out of your self interest even if it is momentarily. 

4. Having a group of friends who will call you out on your bs and where you are fucking up: Accountability and knowledge of consequences helps a lot. 

5. Being vigilant of your own thoughts and biases: Easier said than done but a lot of it comes down to mindfulness and introspection, especially when it comes to goals, motivations, world views/limiting beliefs and habits. 

[Thought Art]

 

[Breakingthewall]

14 hours ago, Thought Art said:

@Breakingthewall I have to be a man of integrity and honour my word. I signed up for a reason. I might as well follow through all the way instead of being a fucking coward.

It's not being a coward to give up doing something when something tells you it's not the time, it's being smart

[Nahm]

@Thought Art

Good for you brother. ??