A letter to my family member and how to find strength. "strong language used"

[Preety_India]

I always felt like I couldn't stand up and couldn't feel strong. 

A letter to my family member 

To my Family Member, this is to you —

You took my father's life. This is serious. He didn't deserve to die. I wish I could save him and I will live with this guilt for the rest of my life, the PTSD that you gave me. You miserable moron. You awful awful awful psychopath. You had no right to take his life. And I tried very hard to deal with this trauma. No more of your bullshit promises to help our family. Get the hell out. 

I know I'm weak although I appear strong. I don't want to hear your sob story. My ex boyfriend Joseph used to say that I'm brainwashed, that you are a very wicked person who is trying to hurt, rather than help. Joseph was a big help. Today I'm crying, tears flooding my eyes, remembering everything Joseph said. I know that Joseph was abusive and hurt me in many ways, he was a narcissist, yet at least he had a conscience. He knew that something bad is happening with me. He was aware of the exploitation. I thank him for opening my eyes. 

You'll never read this. But you will never be in peace. And that's your karma. You did wrong to our family. You used my family as a weapon in your sick twisted gameplan. You told a lot of wrong things to people to destroy us. My father told you something important before he died. And I think you are such a horrible betrayer, shame on you. I hope I will never have to deal with you again. You can always justify whatever you did, but the pain that you gave me by taking my father's life is unconscionable and I'll have to deal with this pain for the rest of my life. You had zero conscience in that moment. I hope your karma catches up with you. He deserved to die a natural death which you didn't allow because of your extreme greed. What you made me do is extremely traumatic because I was just a teenager who looked up to you for support and you made me commit a sin. You used me for your twisted plan 

You are a schemer, a narcissist, a psychopath. You destroyed my dreams. You destroyed my health. You destroyed my trust. You destroyed our whole family. I hope God serves you right. 

My tears today are not in vain. It's a testament of the pain and scars that you gave me. I hope nobody has a family member like you because you are like a cult leader who gives false promises of a better life only to ruin and break trust and exploit. 

You're like Jim Jones. You can ruin lives. 

Today my mom saw your real face and realized who you are. 

You'll never change obviously because your blood is bad, blood doesn't change easily. 

I hope and pray that I get freedom from you.

I hope and pray that I'm liberated from your cult and that a loving God takes care of me. 

There is justice in this world. I believe in Hindu religion. It talks about justice and peace. "No justice, no peace." it's powerful. Until we get justice as a family, until I get justice as a daughter. Until my father gets justice. I won't die easily... 

I hope God stands by me and shelters me from your future evil because I know that you are looking for more victims. 

Repent repent repent... And stop victimizing in the name of victimhood. 

I have no mercy for you. I just have pity for you. I have known you now. 

Whatever you did was a grave sin, a crime. You killed somebody and got away with it.. But God watches you. I also know that you have absolutely no remorse for what you did because you don't even remember my father. 

But even if my life is a total garbage, it served a purpose. I lived, however. Just the way my dad did. Everything is not money. 

I hope God gives a sweater and blanket to those who feel cold this winter, I hope God saves the homeless. I hope God gives strength to the weak and tired. 

For a very long time I felt helpless and weak because I had no money. Absolutely no money. I have some money now. But I still feel helpless. I felt weak, helpless, tired, fragile, abandoned, depressed, uncared for although I had huge grit to live life despite my terrible circumstances growing up. I felt dependent, weak, codependent. ( My soul will never rest in peace because of whatever happened to my dad.) 

I felt dependent, immature, helpless, afraid, lacking in Self confidence. I always felt anxious and I felt like I couldn't do things. I felt incapacitated, incapable, disabled because my mind was not able to believe that I could do things. I felt like I was simply incapable. This was for a very long time. 

But I want to end that cycle of codependency.. 

 

I want to feel like I can do things. I want to feel strong, I want to feel confident, I want to feel secure and self confident. I want to feel independent and matured. And not just feel, but also make things actually happen. I want to feel like I can handle things instead of feeling helpless.. 

Please God help me to become, strong, secure and independent and get rid of this cultish family that I'm a part of. 

Give me freedom or give me death 

 

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

So here's the deal. Although I hate my mother a shit ton(because she was fucking abusive to me growing up and what she did was truly fucked up and I try to find a place of compromise with her) , I still have mercy on her pitiful soul. And I feel I like life is preparing me for a bigger struggle. She is bipolar and has other medical issues so she is definitely not going to last long. But I don't want her to die because I got some accounts to settle with her, some checks and balances, I need to reconcile with her before she escapes to heavenly abode so I do it right before she is gone. This is a huge emotional responsibility on me. I get this gnawing feeling that the other family member <who I hate to call my blood > is probably waiting for my mother to die so that they can get money???? Whatever maybe the reason. I feel like I am tasked with this responsibility to stand up for my mother's rights. I could not do the same for my father because I was just a clueless teen when he died and I failed to protect him, for which I'll forever suffer from survivor's fucking guilt (sorry for being full of rage, but all the trauma causes me to fly into rage and upset) 

My question is how do I feel strong and independent in these circumstances? How to not feel helpless and incapacitated? 

How do I feel independent and matured and strong enough to fight my oncoming struggle for which I need to be mentally prepared, like my mother's medical issues, my pending reconciliation with her, the impending doom of her death and dealing with a narcissistic psychopath who is hell bent on taking all her money and is constantly trying to make things difficult so that we fall into dire straits and she ends up suiciding or dying. I mean my psychic feelings are strong. I knew my father was going to die one week before he actually died (my brain somehow told me like a fucking premonition). Now I'm getting a premonition again that bad things are to come because of this pathetic psychopath who is deliberately trying to ruin things for my mom by brainwashing her and making me and her feel helpless with constant depressing discussions. 

This person also  told me to take a rope and chair a few months back. 

 

But my mother is emotionally dependent on this psychopath and constantly listens to them. 

 

I feel helpless the way I felt helpless during my father's death. 

I'm sorry for the strong hard language but I deal with a lot of family trauma and it sends me into anger and insanity 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Even if my mother is abusive she deserves to live and I want her to live long, as long as possible no matter what because she is my mom and I don't want to lose her to this psychopath who is trying to use manipulation. 

 

Maybe I'm selfish in wanting her to live long so that I can feel safe (my own psychopathy visible here, you can also call it codependency but I still love my mom and I wish things were different.) 

Am I incapable of loving someone? 

Am I too selfish? 

Is it wrong to be selfish? 

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday and the month of December is my father's death anniversary. So it's making me very emotional. 

 

18th December is my father's death anniversary 

 

Edited November 30, 2021 by Preety_India

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

I am so emotional right now.

I’m sorry you have / had to go through all of this. I promise it will not be in vain.

I can’t predict the future, but I know that you will absolutely be able to handle everything that may come your way.

I am by your side and I will always be your side. You are not alone. I’m standing with you, whatever may happen. Forever my princess.
 

You are the strongest person I know. You went through so much hand still managed to come out the most loving and caring person ever. It’s truly inspiring. 

Whatever life may or may not through your way. I know you can and will be able to handle it. I just know it. Trust me. 

You are strong. You are worthy. You are my eternal love. Together we can go through anything.

I love you darling ❤️

[Preety_India]

@Marcel thank you so much for the support Marcel. It means a ton to me. Family problems aren't easy and I always had a bit more than I could handle. 

I hope one day I feel free. Sometimes I wonder if there is any true value to having a family. At all. Because I witnessed my father's death and a family member was responsible for it. It created a deep gash in me. I started hating the word family. It created a deep wound because I couldn't stomach the pain of losing a family member and realizing how family drama played a role in it. It was sickening. 

I had a ton of family issues growing up. And it made me a bit bitter and angry. And lost. 

You help me a shit ton to get through my trauma. But the wounds are very deep. 

I am still looking towards a happy future where things will look better. 

I don't want to lose my mom the way I lost my dad. Sorry I'm emotional. 

 

 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

Im here for you. 

The world family also leaves a bad taste in my mouth more often then not.

I felt hopelessly alone for most of my life.

Until I met you and it felt like I found my home. Like i was destined to meet you.

May all your pain heal hun bun 

I love you ❤️

[Preety_India]

@Marcel thank you. You are my light. 

 

[Preety_India]

I would like some answers on how to feel strong in such circumstances. 

 

[Chris365]

Try psychedelics, you're too deep in the dream of victim hood for much else to work in a timely fashion.

5meo DMT will dissolve this victim character, leaving only god.

[Preety_India]

@Chris365 no need of your pathetic advice. Keep it with yourself. I'm not in victimhood. I'm trying to be strong. You don't know shit about my family and when you don't know shit you should perhaps stop making stupid assumptions about my state of mind. 

No thanks. 

Welcome to my ignore list. 

 

Edited December 2, 2021 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

I don't want to read commends like "I'm creating stuff" or "im in victimhood", I don't need those kind of comments because they come from an insensitive judgemental place and they are not helpful. Try to help not hurt. 

If you can't give advice that I might find useful then don't force your projections on me. The thread wasn't opened to let you vomit your projections on me. 

I deal with some serious family stuff and I have dealt with some serious family trauma in the past with regard to my father's death 

If you can't be sensitive to someone's vulnerability to open up about their deeper wounds, then simply avoid commenting because such insensitive comments are just useless and completely deflect the narrative. 

If you don't have anything helpful to say, don't bother at all. 

Thanks 

 

[Preety_India]

I'm trying to be strong in my family situation. I want to be able to feel confident to protect my mother. I want to be able to stand up to family members who are playing games that might hurt her survival in the end... 

I want to know certain things that I can try to feel mentally stronger. Not this stupid victimhood bs. I never said I'm a victim. Going through struggles in life is not victimhood. Don't focus on my character, rather focus on the issue. 

I'm sick and tired of people focusing on my character and trying to look for something. I'm already doing enough self growth. 

The subject here is not me. Stop focusing on me. The subject here is how to deal with turbulent circumstances. 

It's not easy to deal with family situations that are tangled and messy and can lead to disastrous ends. 

I already suffered tragedy in my family because of some family drama. Of course I can leave my family but that won't change things for my mother. 

Thanks for reading... 

If you are commenting, please don't include statements like "I'm victim" and so on, that doesn't help so don't keep mentioning it. 

 

[Flowerfaeiry]

On 11/30/2021 at 3:54 AM, Preety_India said:

I know I'm weak although I appear strong

It takes a strong person to go through what you've been through. 

[Preety_India]

1 hour ago, Flowerfaeiry said:

It takes a strong person to go through what you've been through. 

Thank you for encouraging me. It means a lot. Although I try to stay as strong as possible, I often go through periods of breakdown and helplessness. 

It's hard to keep fighting for my family for so long. 

After 5 years I am finally able to convince my mother to take her bipolar medication and then she finally agreed and now she is doing better although she was violent with me 2 months ago. 

I do take her to the therapist so that she recovers. I want to reconcile with her during her last days. I have suffered enough trauma because of my father's agonizing death and now the prospect of my mother's failing health has made me worried and unable to prepare for what is to come. 

She is on a high risk of heart attack. My father died of cardiac arrest as well. 

So all of this is too depressing and as usual I'm living in survival mode. 

And I'm trying to do my best to cope with these circumstances. 

I try to be positive everyday because I don't want her depressed in her last days. 

She constantly keeps telling me that she won't survive for long. 

Although she abused me during my childhood, I'm ready to forgive her and close that chapter. 

My PTSD flares up everytime I get memories of my dad and the time he spent with me. 

Thank you for reading. 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

I love you hun bun 

I’m always here for you. Even when I may not have any good advice sometimes, just know that you can always talk to me.

You’re not alone anymore. You can tell me anything. I’m standing with you no matter what. Together we will grow and go through anything. I promise my precious princess. 

*Hugs you tightly and holds you close 

❤️

[Preety_India]

@Marcel  thank you so much. You almost saved me from a suicide. You make me happy. 

I can't be grateful enough. 

 

 

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

*Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?❤️

[Preety_India]

3 minutes ago, Marcel said:

@Preety_India

*Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?❤️

Thank you my love. 

[tsuki]

@Preety_India I am very sorry for what you've been through and that you constantly have to face someone that is supposed to be your greatest support, but is hurting you so much.

I am recently pondering the way in which we are conditioned by our environment and how we repeat the behavior that caused us pain when we are in a situation that is similar. Knowing my own anger and pain, I am sure that you would very much like to claw her eyes out and I bring no consolation in this respect. What I want to say though is that this aggression that is in you is the echo of all the situations in which you've been hurt and I know how difficult it is to resist it without creating a self-image of being a "better person". I am sure that your mother suffers from the same image and uses it to justify her actions, as "being right", always fighting to avoid a "catastrophe", etc.

I will never ask you to forgive her, but I will ask you to consider. There is a vein of suffering, pain and ignorance that runs through your family, and from the looks of it, you are the first one to watch it closely. Don't try to fight it with force, retaliate, argue, or otherwise rebel. This is more ignorance and suffering. Just watching it for what it is, holding on to saying inner "No" resolutely is enough. It will come around eventually, maybe when you are independent. Maybe sooner.