Having a lot of difficulty healing my heart

[Marcel]

5 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

That's putting it mildly!  I know in my own journey I've had moments where I'm wondering how the hell I managed to come out the other side, because it seemed so bleak and hopeless at times  But you know, it's testament to your inner strength that you did manage to get through it

It was plain dumb luck sometimes.

Especially if you read about my second suicide attempt.

I basically had an awakening, an experience of infinite love, a second before i would have drank a cocktail with about a 100 high dosage sleeping pills and alcohol.

Which ultimately saved my life.

[Preety_India]

11 minutes ago, Marcel said:

would have drank a cocktail with about a 100 high dosage

If you ever do that, I'll kill myself or I'll be dead. 

 

Edited August 30, 2021 by Preety_India

[Marcel]

5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

If you ever do that, I'll kill myself or I'll be dead. 

 

You´re adorable sweetheart.

As much as i am in deep emotional pain.

I would never hurt myself again.

I will promise it to to you right now with a sacred vow to you.

I will never in my entire life hurt myself again.

Just the fact that you are in my life makes living my life meaningful darling.

[Preety_India]

2 minutes ago, Marcel said:

You´re adorable sweetheart.

As much as i am in deep emotional pain.

I would never hurt myself again.

I will promise it to to you right now with a sacred vow to you.

I will never in my entire life hurt myself again.

Just the fact that you are in my life makes living my life meaningful darling.

 

Please thank you a lot. You lifted the heaviness. 

You did me a great favor. 

Thank you again for reassuring me. 

 

[Marcel]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

 

Please thank you a lot. You lifted the heaviness. 

You did me a great favor. 

Thank you again for reassuring me. 

 

We can talk about it later if you want to.

I saw it as my only option at the time.

Of course there were a million different things i could have done.

But the pain i felt was pure torture and unbareable.

Nobody knew about it and the worst part was that i thought that nobody could understand or help me.

That i was completely alone in this struggle.

Even if i was in such pain ever again.

I would communicate it to you immediately.

Yes i still have suicidal episodes from time to time.

But i know what to do now.

I was still very immature and inexperienced back then.

[Preety_India]

1 minute ago, Marcel said:

We can talk about it later if you want to.

I saw it as my only option at the time.

Of course there were a million different things i could have done.

But the pain i felt was pure torture and unbareable.

Nobody knew about it and the worst part was that i thought that nobody could understand or help me.

That i was completely alone in this struggle.

Even if i was in such pain ever again.

I would communicate it to you immediately.

Yes i still have suicidal episodes from time to time.

But i know what to do now.

I was still very immature and inexperienced back then.

That's reasonable. You can vent it in your journal as therapy. That's what I did. 

 

[Marcel]

1 minute ago, Preety_India said:

That's reasonable. You can vent it in your journal as therapy. That's what I did. 

 

For sure. 

Venting is super important.

What seems to help me the most is when you ask me questions about it and listen to me. It feels like therapy.

Because i really do not want to be alone when venting or talking about this.

This situation had a very profound effect on how i view and value my life nowadays.

[RickyFitts]

3 hours ago, Marcel said:

It was plain dumb luck sometimes.

Especially if you read about my second suicide attempt.

I basically had an awakening, an experience of infinite love, a second before i would have drank a cocktail with about a 100 high dosage sleeping pills and alcohol.

Which ultimately saved my life.

Not dumb luck, my friend.

It was the grace of God  

[Marcel]

4 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

Not dumb luck, my friend.

It was the grace of God  

Well, i don´t believe in coincidences.

So, i guess that is a possible explanation.

[RickyFitts]

Fuck me sideways, the pressure in my heart is so great at times - it makes me feel like this:

Seriously  It's kind of frustrating, there's one part of me that wants to scream like that ^^, there's another part that wants to burst into tears - and I can't seem to do either. I'm trying to think of an appropriate analogy but I'm too busy feeling inexplicably furious, it's all really most disconcerting.

Don't mind me, I'm just venting.

[RickyFitts]

I've been feeling soreness in my shoulders today whilst meditating, particularly in my right shoulder. 

This kundalini awakening business I tells ya, it's the gift that keeps on giving... 

[Marcel]

@RickyFitts

I was there not to long ago.

The only thing i could do is have a breakdown.

I hope you find a better solution for yourself then this.

It got to a point where i could not handle the pain, burst into flames and then cried like a baby afterwards.

It was really destructive and uncontrolled, but it was the only thing that helped me at the time.

I would love to give you some good solid advice, but i honestly don´t know what to say.

I guess, the only option is to go through this process with an open heart and an open mind. And don´t get discouraged.

It´s like walking through a dark tunnel in a straight line, you just gotta keep walking, there´s no way around it.

The light will eventually guide the way, i can promise this to you.

But for now, just enjoy the darkness and make the best out of it my friend.

 

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel Cheers buddy, really appreciate it. At the moment I'm just feeling disoriented, I'm not even really sure how to describe it... it's kind of like I'm being emptied out, I don't know. It's not like I feel really terrible or anything, just... well, like I say, disoriented!

I'm all right though pal  

[Marcel]

5 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

@Marcel Cheers buddy, really appreciate it. At the moment I'm just feeling disoriented, I'm not even really sure how to describe it... it's kind of like I'm being emptied out, I don't know. It's not like I feel really terrible or anything, just... well, like I say, disoriented!

I'm all right though pal  

Ah same. I get you.

I really don´t know in what direction to go as well.

there are so many things to do.

A lot feels interesting.

At least to me.

But for the life of me.

I could never reach a definite decision right now.

[RickyFitts]

6 hours ago, Marcel said:

Ah same. I get you.

I really don´t know in what direction to go as well.

there are so many things to do.

A lot feels interesting.

At least to me.

But for the life of me.

I could never reach a definite decision right now.

There's no rush, I'm sure it'll all become clear in time  

[RickyFitts]

It's a funny thing, I'd have thought that as I became more sensitive in my body that I would become clearer on what exactly I'm feeling - but sometimes it seems like the opposite is true and I'm actually becoming less clear.

Maybe that's not entirely true, though - maybe the truth is that I simply don't want  to feel what I'm feeling right now, so I go into denial about it. The emotional theme that recurs most often is simply grief, but the frustrating thing about it is that I can't seem to figure out exactly what  I'm grieving. 

But do I actually need to know that? I think there's a tendency in humans - certainly in myself at any rate - to try to figure out the reasons why, simply because that's how our brains are wired - we're problem-solvers by nature, that's a big part of why we've been so successful as a species. But, as Teal Swan would say, you can only heal what you can feel. This is where humans (and especially men) tend to be stunted, I know that in my own case I've had to relearn how to feel - and it's been extremely challenging.

[Marcel]

1 hour ago, RickyFitts said:

It's a funny thing, I'd have thought that as I became more sensitive in my body that I would become clearer on what exactly I'm feeling - but sometimes it seems like the opposite is true and I'm actually becoming less clear.

Maybe that's not entirely true, though - maybe the truth is that I simply don't want  to feel what I'm feeling right now, so I go into denial about it. The emotional theme that recurs most often is simply grief, but the frustrating thing about it is that I can't seem to figure out exactly what  I'm grieving. 

But do I actually need to know that? I think there's a tendency in humans - certainly in myself at any rate - to try to figure out the reasons why, simply because that's how our brains are wired - we're problem-solvers by nature, that's a big part of why we've been so successful as a species. But, as Teal Swan would say, you can only heal what you can feel. This is where humans (and especially men) tend to be stunted, I know that in my own case I've had to relearn how to feel - and it's been extremely challenging.

 

I am an absolute perfectionist and analyst at my core.

Feeling my feelings could not be more alien to me haha

If i try to feel my emotions.

The thing that immediately starts getting into action is my brain.

And not my heart, if it springs into action at all that is.

Well, i´ve basically was or even conditioned myself to work this way throughout my life.

So i suppose it will take a while to change it.

 

Edited September 2, 2021 by Marcel

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

I am an absolute perfectionist and analyst at my core.

That's quite the cross to bear, because no-one is perfect - you're holding yourself to an impossibly high standard.

What if you don't do things perfectly, can you handle the idea of being imperfect? What do you feel it says about you if you aren't perfect?

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

Feeling my feelings could not be more alien to me haha

You've instinctively learnt to shut down over the course of your life, due to the environment you were raised in - it's sadly so common in humans (and again, especially in men), I was no different in that regard. And I was a very sensitive, troubled child, too, so I ended up bottling up all sorts of strong emotions, until the pressure simply became too great and the sheer extent of my suffering forced me to awaken.

That was really only the start of the journey, though, and things actually got much tougher for me after that, as I had to face all the emotional issues and traumas that were still in my system. The big thing for me was simply learning to consciously inhabit my body, we humans tend to be so much in our heads and we end up having a very conflicted relationship with our bodies as a result, we tend to feel restless and agitated if our minds aren't engaged in some task or other. I keep saying it, but body-centred practices are so important I feel - or at least they have been for me personally - because we can't think our way to emotional resolution.

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

If i try to feel my emotions.

The thing that immediately starts getting into action is my brain.

And not my heart, if it springs into action at all that is.

Well, i´ve basically was or even conditioned myself to work this way throughout my life.

So i suppose it will take a while to change it.

 

Exactly, yeah, that' s how you've been conditioned. Hard to break these patterns, it takes lots of discipline and patience - and time, as you say. I know from my own experience that having a loving partner who's compassionate and understanding to talk things through with can be hugely cathartic and healing, though, so I'm glad you've got Preety for that my friend  

Edited September 2, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Marcel]

@RickyFitts

She helps me so much that i could not even put it in words. 

She already changed my mental state for the better so much.

 

My perfectionism is usually not a huge deal.

Just that i never feel satisfied with anything i am doing, it´s never good enough.

This used to be super unhealthy, but nowadays i just try to use this to push myself more and more.

I try to be blissfully dissatisfied and look for constant improvement, so it isn´t terrible haha

[RickyFitts]

18 minutes ago, Marcel said:

 

She helps me so much that i could not even put it in words. 

She already changed my mental state for the better so much.

It's just wonderful, mate, it really is, I'm so happy for you and Preety

19 minutes ago, Marcel said:

My perfectionism is usually not a huge deal.

Just that i never feel satisfied with anything i am doing, it´s never good enough.

This used to be super unhealthy, but nowadays i just try to use this to push myself more and more.

I try to be blissfully dissatisfied and look for constant improvement, so it isn´t terrible haha

Breaks my heart to hear you say that, mate, honestly. But I understand, though, I was always harshly self-critical too - that's a trait that runs in my family it seems, I notice both my parents can be very hard on themselves. Some very painful wounds at the root of that sort of thinking, can be challenging to heal.

Blissful dissatisfaction - I'll have to give that a try sometime