Having a lot of difficulty healing my heart

[RickyFitts]

I had a relationship a few years back that helped make me conscious of some pretty serious issues with my heart chakra; I had a strong and frankly weird energetic connection with this person that meant that she could feel all my emotions and energetic issues from hundreds of miles away, and she helped to make me conscious of various issues that had previously been largely unconscious, one of which was a very blocked, traumatised heart centre (I was told by a spiritual healer that this relates to past-life trauma I experienced with this person, which would seem to make sense, though how true that is I don't know). In the past few years I've had to deal with issues in all of my four lower energy centres, and I've made lots of progress particularly with regards to my root and sacral chakras (I had a lot of fear and upset stored in those areas), which are much clearer than they used to be, but I'm having ongoing issues with my solar plexus and heart chakras. 

What I'm feeling at the moment is a significant build-up of energy right in the middle of my chest; when I feel into this, I can sense that there's deep, deep grief there, but it's kind of mixed in with a lot of anger, too, which seems to be impeding the movement of the grief. What also seems to be complicating the issue is that I'm experiencing a lot of head pressure, too - there seems to be a connection between the pressure in my chest and the pressure in my head, though what the exact nature of that connection is, or how to work with it, I'm not really sure.

I'm meditating pretty intensively at the moment - a couple of hours a day - so maybe it's just a matter of time, but I just felt like getting it off my chest (no pun intended) as much as anything. Though if anyone has any insights to offer, I'm all ears 

 

[Marcel]

@RickyFitts

4 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

What I'm feeling at the moment is a significant build-up of energy right in the middle of my chest; when I feel into this, I can sense that there's deep, deep grief there, but it's kind of mixed in with a lot of anger, too, which seems to be impeding the movement of the grief.

 

I have the same feeling. For me it feels like a pulsating energy sphere in the middle of my chest and it is filled with pain. I am not sure what pain exactly, because there could be many sources for it in my case. But if i had to guess, i am probably starting to feel lonely. This was not an issue for me in the past. But the more i open myself up and let the past go, the more i would love to share it with someone face to face. But since i do not have anyone to do that with in reallife ( my social circle is non-existent ). I somewhat rely on this forum and online diary i am writing on here to give me some feedback and it fortunately does help to some degree. But then again letters on my computer screen cannot substitute human connection or intimacy.

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel Ah mate sorry to hear that, I suffered with feelings of intense loneliness a few years back and it felt unbearable at times, I really felt like I couldn't bear to be on my own. After a while I started to inquire into what exactly was so terrible about being on my own, and the truth was that I just felt like I couldn't bear to be alone with all the heartache I was feeling, I basically just wanted someone to kiss it all better. From that point on, I resolved to sit in meditation with my pain and just allow myself to feel it, and the feelings of loneliness dissipated after a while - along with the desire for a relationship, funnily enough.

[Cathal]

The first time I started meditation I came across metta, it was forgiveness. I remember a warm stinging pain arising in my chest, it's still here. 

I felt unloved my whole life, still have a lot of grief about that shit. Working on it though, it's really really slow. 

Good luck opening your heart man, lots of closed off hearts around.

This was the metta  thing btw 

 

 

[RickyFitts]

@catcat69123 Cheers bro, I'll give the guided meditation a go later  Forgiveness is definitely a big part of it I reckon, I've found in my own experience that emotions like anger and resentment tend to harden the heart. Easier said than done, obviously, but I'm working on it!

You're so right about the closed hearts - good luck opening yours too, man 

[Marcel]

1 hour ago, RickyFitts said:

@Marcel Ah mate sorry to hear that, I suffered with feelings of intense loneliness a few years back and it felt unbearable at times, I really felt like I couldn't bear to be on my own. After a while I started to inquire into what exactly was so terrible about being on my own, and the truth was that I just felt like I couldn't bear to be alone with all the heartache I was feeling, I basically just wanted someone to kiss it all better. From that point on, I resolved to sit in meditation with my pain and just allow myself to feel it, and the feelings of loneliness dissipated after a while - along with the desire for a relationship, funnily enough.

 

@RickyFitts That is the point i am working on right now, feeling into it and figuring out what´s up. I can certainly bear being by myself, but i would love to at least have the option of talking to someone that understands me face to face. I don´t necessarily need it, but not having the option at all, at least in this moment in time, is a bit disheartening. But then again i have isolated myself throughout my entire teen years, so i am in familiar territory so to speak. I know how to use this time to build myself as opposed to almost destroying myself in the past. So i´ll make it through it as usual.

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel I remember a couple of years after I first started to awaken that I started to desire intimacy more and more, it was my heart's desire. And I got what I longed for, without even consciously looking for it - it just seemed to happen, certain people came into my life and I formed very strong, loving connections with them very quickly (things got very messy and painful thereafter, but that's another story - the phrase 'be careful what you wish for' comes to mind, but alas).

The universe has a way of making these things happen sometimes, when the intent is there. I hope you find what you're looking for, my friend.

[Marcel]

54 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

 

The universe has a way of making these things happen sometimes, when the intent is there. I hope you find what you're looking for, my friend.

I completely agree with that, setting the intention for literally anything will eventually bring it into our live like a magnet.

I am not to worried about getting into a relationship right now, but maybe in a couple of weeks or maybe half a year down the line max.

I do not feel completely ready for that yet, i feel like there are still a lot of things i need to process first and also i am in no rush just to get into a relationship because i feel lonely or whatever. 

I absolutely believe in divine timing, things happen when we are ready for them, so i´ll just enjoy the journey up until then.

[RickyFitts]

7 minutes ago, Marcel said:

I do not feel completely ready for that yet, i feel like there are still a lot of things i need to process first and also i am in no rush just to get into a relationship because i feel lonely or whatever.

Good stuff mate, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders - hope everything works out for you  

[Preety_India]

Sending you lots of love 

[Marcel]

5 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

Good stuff mate, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders - hope everything works out for you  

Well, since i almost killed myself twice in the past, i eventually had to develop a healthy frame of mind out of pure necessity.

Just for reference of how much i worked on my self in the last 2 years:

I lost about 35 kg.

I read hundreds of books.

I watched thousands of hours of educational material from all sorts of sources.

I have written over 5000 pages of handwritten notes and kept track, as good as i could, of everything i was learning.

I did a lot of contemplation and eventually realised that i am transgender and never felt more in touch with my true self.

Generally, everything is slowly turning into a good direction. I have figured out my process and i am sticking to it like a postcard on a letter.

#Stickituntilyougetthere

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

*returns love and encouragement

[Preety_India]

@Marcel bye

[RickyFitts]

@Preety_India Bless you, thanks 

@Marcel Really glad to hear it mate  

[Preety_India]

@RickyFitts I hope you do well Ricky if that's your name. 

 

[Marcel]

@RickyFitts

I am glad i was able to pull through with all that.

Everything started after my 2nd failed suicide attempt, when i was about 40 kg overweight, so that was one hell of a journey.

[RickyFitts]

@Preety_India You're a sweetheart, Preety, thank you - my real name's Daniel, by the way  

@Marcel So often how it goes, we have to reach rock bottom before things start to get better  

[Marcel]

@RickyFitts

Absolutely, its pretty incredibly how much determination you can find once you are completely down.

If we just have a compelling reason, for me it honestly just was wanting to stay alive, we can accomplish quite a lot of things.

[Preety_India]

@RickyFitts hey Daniel, just close your eyes and place your hand where you feel your heart in your chest and breathe deeply and say during each exhale, "I let go of all the hurt inside," and with every inhale say, "I am healing, I am love, I am peace, I experience nothing but love from every corner of the universe." 

Repeat this exercise many times a day.

Hope you heal fully and well and progress on your journey. 

Hugs. Preety. 

 

Edited August 18, 2021 by Preety_India

[Marcel]

@Preety_India

That sounds like a wonderful idea.

I should probably do this also.