Having a lot of difficulty healing my heart

[RickyFitts]

@Preety_India Yeah, that sounds like a great suggestion - I'll give it a try, thanks again  

19 minutes ago, Marcel said:

 

If we just have a compelling reason, for me it honestly just was wanting to stay alive, we can accomplish quite a lot of things.

That makes a lot of sense to me!

[RickyFitts]

Been noticing quite a lot of soreness at the front of my chest the past couple of days, which is an interesting development - I've experienced quite a few aches and pains in various parts of my body the last few years, as I'm working through different issues. Two-three years back, for example, I began to feel sharp pain in my intercostal muscles (they're the muscles between your ribs) which I remember feeling when I was a child of maybe  6-7 (never really concerned me back then, even though it was very painful - just seemed to be something I'd always had, so I didn't give it a second thought); I think there's going to be this physical aspect to spiritual liberation for most people, because we tend to store up so much trauma and emotional upset in our bodies, and I don't think you can ever really be truly free whilst these issues remain unresolved within the very cells of your body.

Boy, though, can these energetic blockages feel hella stubborn, Christ alive  The phrase that came to mind before was that one about the irresistible force (in this case, kundalini energy) meeting the immovable object (the blockage), which is pretty much how it feels in my body right now  Deary me, the blockages can feel bloody impenetrable a lot of the time... but they are gradually breaking down. It's testing my bloody patience though, and I was never especially blessed in that department 

[RickyFitts]

I'm noticing some soreness in my left wrist at the moment, I've become aware over the last few years of just how much tension is stored up in both of my wrists - it appears to be connected to my blocked heart chakra in some way, when I feel into the soreness I notice that it appears to be connected to some upset I feel in that area (and the heart apparently governs the arms and hands, so this would seem to make sense). 

Interesting to observe how it all links together. The pressure in my heart is still significant (as it is in my head), as are the feelings of deep upset and anger (oh the rage, the murderous, blistering rage!), but I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

[Marcel]

1 hour ago, RickyFitts said:

 

Interesting to observe how it all links together. The pressure in my heart is still significant (as it is in my head), as are the feelings of deep upset and anger (oh the rage, the murderous, blistering rage!), but I'm getting there, slowly but surely.

I can relate to this a lot. 

I hurt my fists once or twice by literally hitting a brick wall with full force several times out of pure anger.

It didn´t even hurt, my fists were red, ( not bloody, just red ), but i felt better after doing that.

That is not a constructive solution of course.

What helped me the most is deeply feeling into the rage, listening to a song that enhances this feeling even more, embracing it and then letting it go.

Be sure that you´re by yourself without any distractions when doing this, it can be quite intense and you might break down crying, at least that happened to me once, the rage was so huge that it turned weeping and crying my eyes out.

That was quite painful and uncomfortable, but it helped me a lot to release very deep rooted anger and straight up hatred for myself and others.

Come to think about it, maybe somebody close to you should be there as well.

I just caught myself in this "I don´t need help" mindset again while writing this.

I guess im still in the very beginning stages of opening myself up to others.

 

[RickyFitts]

55 minutes ago, Marcel said:

What helped me the most is deeply feeling into the rage, listening to a song that enhances this feeling even more, embracing it and then letting it go.

Be sure that you´re by yourself without any distractions when doing this, it can be quite intense and you might break down crying, at least that happened to me once, the rage was so huge that it turned weeping and crying my eyes out.

That was quite painful and uncomfortable, but it helped me a lot to release very deep rooted anger and straight up hatred for myself and others.

Deeply feeling into the rage - yeah, that's the key I think. I've come to realise that underneath every raging monster, there's a distraught child bawling its eyes out, but the tendency (particularly in men, and I'm no exception) is to get caught in the surface anger.

I actually had a bit of a breakdown a few months back where I just cried and cried, all this grief came pouring out of me; felt off for about a week after (lost my appetite, felt rather fragile), though it probably did me a lot of good in the long-run to get that out of my system. 

I'll keep in mind the suggestion about listening to music that enhances the feeling, though - thanks for your input, buddy, really appreciate it  

Quote

I just caught myself in this "I don´t need help" mindset again while writing this.

I guess im still in the very beginning stages of opening myself up to others.

Old habits die hard, pal! But honestly, you're doing so well, you're an example to others  

Edited August 27, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Marcel]

@RickyFitts

Well, a lot of things seem to be going into the right direction now.

 

I have a girlfriend.

My mental state is getting better and it´s not so utterly unstable anymore.

I am slowly able to open myself up to others again, even about really intimate things.

I have almost lost all the weight i had, i´ve only got to lose 9-10 more kg, it used to be 40kg

My family live starts getting more harmonious the more i am able to fully be myself again

I am getting fitter and fitter, i can do my morning walk in about 25 minutes now, it used to take me 40 minutes for the same distance.

And on and on and on

 

All of the studying and work i put into myself is finally paying of, everything is happening at once now haha

Im still a big work in progress and i am nowhere near done.

But i feel i already accomplished so much up to this point alone, that i´ll just naturally keep on going forever.

In no way will i ever backslide or quit again.

I truly want to live my life again to the fullest and because of that i just feel eternal gratitude.

Everything i´ll experience from now on in my life is just a bonus, i feel really happy to simply be healthy and alive right now.

 

 

 

[Marcel]

3 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

I've come to realise that underneath every raging monster, there's a distraught child bawling its eyes out, but the tendency (particularly in men, and I'm no exception) is to get caught in the surface anger.

This is it.

The expression "giving the monster a hug" perfectly fits here.

I suppose anger needs compassion. A lot of compassion, understanding and acceptance.

Deeply feeling into it and fully understanding what is causing the inner child to want to beat up the whole world sometimes.

It feels really counterintuitive to do so, and especially as a men it may be difficult to become vulnerable and emotional.

Vulnerability really is a very strong tool for healing and energy release.

We need to get rid of the feeling, of humiliation, judgement, shame etc. for being vulnerable as men.

Suppressing emotions or even female desires can turn really toxic and destructive. Not only for ourselves, even for others.

Emotions always come back to the surface. No matter how hard we try to suppress them sometimes, they will stay exactly where they are.

They will either be expressed constructively or destructively. Everything we feel needs to be expressed in a healthy way.

And if we don´t do that, we just torture ourselves for no reason whatsoever.

 

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel You know, I remember the spiritual teacher Jon Bernie saying that God gives the strong ones the most to deal with, because they can deal with it, and I feel this is very true of you  May your life continue on an upward trajectory, my friend  

1 hour ago, Marcel said:

This is it.

The expression "giving the monster a hug" perfectly fits here.

I suppose anger needs compassion. A lot of compassion, understanding and acceptance.

Deeply feeling into it and fully understanding what is causing the inner child to want to beat up the whole world sometimes.

It feels really counterintuitive to do so, and especially as a men it may be difficult to become vulnerable and emotional.

Vulnerability really is a very strong tool for healing and energy release.

We need to get rid of the feeling, of humiliation, judgement, shame etc. for being vulnerable as men.

Suppressing emotions or even female desires can turn really toxic and destructive. Not only for ourselves, even for others.

Emotions always come back to the surface. No matter how hard we try to suppress them sometimes, they will stay exactly where they are.

They will either be expressed constructively or destructively. Everything we feel needs to be expressed in a healthy way.

And if we don´t do that, we just torture ourselves for no reason whatsoever.

 

I don't think I can even add anything to this, you've summed it up so beautifully  (I've never heard the expression 'giving the monster a hug', but I like it a lot! ) You're so right about the need for compassion, understanding, acceptance, and vulnerability - giving myself these things has been probably the most challenging thing I've had to do (and I had to end up in a very bad way before I learnt how to), but also the most rewarding. And I've developed so much compassion in the process, not only for myself but also for the human condition more generally - what an overwhelming ordeal it can seem to be human sometimes, and yet what a wonderful, exhilarating thing, too.

[Marcel]

3 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

@Marcel You know, I remember the spiritual teacher Jon Bernie saying that God gives the strong ones the most to deal with, because they can deal with it, and I feel this is very true of you  May your life continue on an upward trajectory, my friend  

I don't think I can even add anything to this, you've summed it up so beautifully  (I've never heard the expression 'giving the monster a hug', but I like it a lot! ) You're so right about the need for compassion, understanding, acceptance, and vulnerability - giving myself these things has been probably the most challenging thing I've had to do (and I had to end up in a very bad way before I learnt how to), but also the most rewarding. And I've developed so much compassion in the process, not only for myself but also for the human condition more generally - what an overwhelming ordeal it can seem to be human sometimes, and yet what a wonderful, exhilarating thing, too.

Yep, i totally agree with this. The amount of compassion and understanding i developed for suffering i developed on the way is quite massive.

"If fate is desperately trying to kill you, then you are made for greatness"

I can´t remember where i heard this for the first time, but damn i can so feel this quote.

I can relate to you a lot.

I almost killed myself about 2,5 years ago.

I didn´t end up hurting myself, because i stopped myself last second, but this was really close.

So i just had to learn to express myself out of pure necessity. I was really desperate, miserable and suicidal back then.

Of course i was trying to do it all by myself up until recently and it only really kicked off once i joined the forum and posted a lot of things.

I really need to learn to reach out to every helping hand more.

Though I still feel more humiliated then proud of myself for every vulnerable post i am making haha

[RickyFitts]

3 hours ago, Marcel said:

"If fate is desperately trying to kill you, then you are made for greatness"

I can´t remember where i heard this for the first time, but damn i can so feel this quote.

Fuck, I love this quote!  

I'm so glad that things are starting to turn around for you, Marcel, I know how hard things have been for you. I understand you feeling humiliated by your vulnerability, I spilled my guts on another forum a few years back and then cringed at myself for revealing too much (or at least, so I believed), but other people often have much more compassion for us than we have for ourselves. It seems paradoxical, but expressing our vulnerability can take so much strength - and the funny thing is, when you allow yourself to be completely vulnerable, you realise that you're actually invulnerable. Life's fucked up like that, but it's fucked up in such a beautiful way  

[Marcel]

4 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

Fuck, I love this quote!  

I'm so glad that things are starting to turn around for you, Marcel, I know how hard things have been for you. I understand you feeling humiliated by your vulnerability, I spilled my guts on another forum a few years back and then cringed at myself for revealing too much (or at least, so I believed), but other people often have much more compassion for us than we have for ourselves. It seems paradoxical, but expressing our vulnerability can take so much strength - and the funny thing is, when you allow yourself to be completely vulnerable, you realise that you're actually invulnerable. Life's fucked up like that, but it's fucked up in such a beautiful way  

Yep.

The best armor you will ever wear are your own insecurities.

Proudly show them off to the entire whole world. Proudly present your deep scares and how they are healing.

It´s so counterintuitive that it goes full circle and almost makes sense again haha

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel You're wise beyond your years, my friend - I love you, bro  

[Marcel]

2 minutes ago, RickyFitts said:

@Marcel You're wise beyond your years, my friend - I love you, bro  

*Returns bromance

I guess. I don´t feel wise at all really.

But im sure im getting there.

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel Well, you certainly sound  wise to me, my friend  

[Marcel]

8 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

@Marcel Well, you certainly sound  wise to me, my friend  

I have been told that a couple of times by now by multiple people.

I guess there is something to it.

Maybe my perception of myself is just still pretty low.

Oh well, another thing to keep working on haha

 

[RickyFitts]

12 hours ago, Marcel said:

I have been told that a couple of times by now by multiple people.

I guess there is something to it.

Maybe my perception of myself is just still pretty low.

Oh well, another thing to keep working on haha

 

A point I heard in a Teal Swan video recently (this one, for reference) is that we can very easily take for granted the things we do well, because they come so easily and naturally to us - I think there's so much truth in that. Sometimes it's easier for other people to see our strengths  

Edited August 29, 2021 by RickyFitts

[Marcel]

2 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

A point I heard in a Teal Swan video recently (this one, for reference) is that we can very easily for take granted the things we do well, because they come so easily and naturally to us - I think there's so much truth in that. Sometimes it's easier for other people to see our strengths  

That certainly happens a lot.

I should give myself more credit.

I dealt with suicidal thoughts and tendencies by myself with two suicide attempts in between for nearly a decade.

It took so much strength from me to do that and not kill or hurt myself.

I nearly killed myself twice, but luckily stopped myself last second both times.

It is an absolute miracle to me that i am still alive.

In my teens i was certain that i would be dead at age 20. I am 22 now. 

So i suppose i still take myself for granted way too much.

If i put a thousand people into what i went through most would have hurt themselves badly and im sure some of them would actually be dead.

I am not saying this to brag.

I do not brag about my past, what i did was ignorant and selfish, but i didn´t  know it any better.

I did the best i could.

I wish i would have opened myself up earlier.

I wish i would have reached out for help earlier.

I unnecessarily tortured myself for a long time.

 

 

[RickyFitts]

@Marcel You behaved as you only could have done given the circumstances, my friend - you were simply hurting, that's all.

[Marcel]

4 hours ago, RickyFitts said:

@Marcel You behaved as you only could have done given the circumstances, my friend - you were simply hurting, that's all.

Absolutely. I got through it after all.

But damn this way one hell of a journey haha

[RickyFitts]

4 hours ago, Marcel said:

Absolutely. I got through it after all.

But damn this way one hell of a journey haha

That's putting it mildly!  I know in my own journey I've had moments where I'm wondering how the hell I managed to come out the other side, because it seemed so bleak and hopeless at times  But you know, it's testament to your inner strength that you did manage to get through it