Adodd

Cohabitation vs. Marriage. What's the difference?

29 posts in this topic

Martin seligman talks about a study on happiness and love life. This study finds that married people have the least chance of depression and never married people the next least. Followed by people divorced once and THEN people cohabiting. The only group more depressed than people cohabitating is people divorced twice or more!!!

This is really surprising to me (been cohabitating with my girlfriend for almost 5 years). What is the difference between marriage and cohabitation really? The government now recognizes you relationship and your credit scores can mesh now? 

Me and my other half have the same bills, the same bank account, a lot of same interests, and a lot of pther things that getting married would not change. So why such a vast difference between these two groups?

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I wouldn't take studies too much to hearth. Especially not studies done on depression. Our society has very poor understanding of emotions.

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Cohabitation is different from marriage because marriage has a solid ground and the likelihood of divorce is generally not thought about. 

However in cohabitation, there's always an underlying insecurity that your partner might leave you anytime for someone else or simply lose interest.

Most couples in cohabitation aren't looking to have kids and so there is that empty best between the couple 

In marriage, children cement the bond between the couple and make it stronger.

There's a certain obligatory nature to marriage that gives a sense of security, even though it might be false, yet a sense of security is powerful in maintaining emotional equanimity.

 


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@Preety_India

Hmm. This is not my experience. 

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

However in cohabitation, there's always an underlying insecurity that your partner might leave you anytime for someone else or simply lose interest.

 

definitely not always😉 I have none of this.

3 hours ago, Preety_India said:

 

There's a certain obligatory nature to marriage that gives a sense of security, even though it might be false, yet a sense of security is powerful in maintaining emotional equanimity.

 

I kind of agree but why? I'm trying to imagine what it is about signing a paper and getting a ring that would make an already commited relationship stronger 

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EXACTLY! Its just legal. Who needs legal recognition to be commited to someone they love?

I'm not saying your wrong btw. I think im the odd one and most would agree with you. Just dont get it. 

I would say if someone cant be fully commited before the government recognizes their relationship they shouldnt even be considering marraige to begin with.

I do plan on getting married. Not becuase I want to commit or want her to be commited to me but because we already are!

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44 minutes ago, Adodd said:

EXACTLY! Its just legal. Who needs legal recognition to be commited to someone they love?

I'm not saying your wrong btw. I think im the odd one and most would agree with you. Just dont get it. 

I would say if someone cant be fully commited before the government recognizes their relationship they shouldnt even be considering marraige to begin with.

I do plan on getting married. Not becuase I want to commit or want her to be commited to me but because we already are!

That doesn't work in the court of law.

Certain laws are made because everyone doesn't follow your principles. 

Marriage involves children and so if stuff goes wrong, children suffer. Plus property, assets and finances have to be decided when a married couple decides to split up.

You're talking from an emotional perspective. The world operates pragmatically.

 

 


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1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

That doesn't work in the court of law.

Certain laws are made because everyone doesn't follow your principles. 

Marriage involves children and so if stuff goes wrong, children suffer. Plus property, assets and finances have to be decided when a married couple decides to split up.

You're talking from an emotional perspective. The world operates pragmatically.

 

 

So having laws that can cover childrens ass on case of divorce is the reason married people experience less depression. Idk. Doesnt make sense to me. And of cpurse I'm talkong about from an emotional stand point I'm talking about depression and love. 

Idk. I just dont see it.

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Just now, Adodd said:

So having laws that can cover childrens ass on case of divorce is the reason married people experience less depression. Idk. Doesnt make sense to me. And of cpurse I'm talkong about from an emotional stand point I'm talking about depression and love. 

Idk. I just dont see it.

My answer wasn't a justification for less depression among married couples. My answer was to explain why marriage has to be legal.

 


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Just now, Preety_India said:

My answer wasn't a justification for less depression among married couples. My answer was to explain why marriage has to be legal.

 

Ok i gotcha. Misunderstood you.

I get that marriage has to be legal. Thats all marriage is. Which brings me back to the question of why a couple simply involving themselves in this legal marriage system would somehow make both partners less likely to suffer from depression. Seems strange that it has any effect at all.

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Posted (edited)

6 hours ago, Adodd said:

Martin seligman talks about a study on happiness and love life. This study finds that married people have the least chance of depression and never married people the next least. Followed by people divorced once and THEN people cohabiting. The only group more depressed than people cohabitating is people divorced twice or more!!!

This is really surprising to me (been cohabitating with my girlfriend for almost 5 years). What is the difference between marriage and cohabitation really? The government now recognizes you relationship and your credit scores can mesh now? 

Me and my other half have the same bills, the same bank account, a lot of same interests, and a lot of pther things that getting married would not change. So why such a vast difference between these two groups?

Correlation is not causation.

Being married might be tied to maturity and knowing what you want out of life, and going for it. Which causes happiness.
 

Cohabitation is a good option for when people are not mature, don't know what they want out of life, and can't make decisions. Which causes unhappiness.

 

Or, you know, anything else.

These statistics are so useless, except for giving journalists something to write about, and giving people something to worry about.

Edited by flowboy

I help adults with ADD to overcome self-doubt, function optimally and live their dreams through my proprietary coaching program.

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Just now, Adodd said:

 

Ok i gotcha. Misunderstood you.

I get that marriage has to be legal. Thats all marriage is. Which brings me back to the question of why a couple simply involving themselves in this legal marriage system would somehow make both partners less likely to suffer from depression. Seems strange that it has any effect at all.

I guess marriage offers social recognition, joining of families, children, and the feeling of legal security in terms of assets. Marriage is a solid committment that would take a lot to break. Girlfriend and boyfriend can break up anytime over petty issues and arguments.

Ever heard of girlfriend boyfriend counseling therapy? Why not ? Because most people simply move on after a breakup.

However you have always heard about married couples counseling. Everyone wants to save their marriage and think twice before dissolving a marriage. Marriage automatically brings a feeling of responsibility since it's legal and a certain obligation to keep the vows. The ancient people weren't crazy to invent Marriage.

Recently Malala Yousafzai said that marriage is not necessary.

 

 

I think this is how feminism destroys women.

Although marriage is strangely a patriarchal notion, it benefits women in many ways. There is a certain security with marriage. Especially when it comes to assets because that's decided by law. Plus there is alimony and child support post divorce.

Ancient people knew that without marriage there would be too many many fatherless children and single mothers something that we see today. Unless divorce rates are too high, marriage acts as a shield for women and children.

Traditional patriarchal societies fare better in terms of reproductive rate and general happiness because in some ways men and women both get partners, they aren't forever searching for a mate. I'm not talking about forced marriages.

Families even in the West fared better in pre World War 2 era because marriage was a strong social structure, divorce rates were low, porn wasn't so rampant and alternative lifestyles weren't suported. It was traditional patriarchy. Although some Part of it wasn't exactly beneficial to women, for example, less women reported domestic violence, women didn't have voting rights(far back in time) so yes certain aspects weren't the best for women.

Yet..

Modern Feminism isn't exactly a boon. Feminism has brought along with it alternative lifestyles where couples can be together without marriage in the name of sexual freedom, porn is encouraged, women are encouraged to be sexually free and engage in sexual experimentation, this also affords more sexual freedom to men, along with all this you see a consequent rise in divorce rates, single motherhood, teen mom phenomenon, and constant objectification of women, who is really getting harmed here, I guess women?

Although I'm a modern generation girl and I call myself a feminist, I have certain gripes with Feminism especially when it comes to this area, and I think we should closely pay attention to women's biology before riding high on the horse of feminism.

I'm a modern girl with old school thinking packaged into me. I know a lot of people don't resonate with me, yet I still believe in the archaic Christian traditional system of marriage as considered the sacred communion between husband and wife and all of its vows in place.

Call me 🤙 old school but marriages and families were more intact back in the 1920s than now. Evidence is under our noses.

Regarding why marriage leads to less depression, because marriage tends to remove the loneliness factor. 

Living together and marriage are very different things like I stated before. Making something legal Comes with a lot of value.


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@flowboy 

18 minutes ago, flowboy said:

Correlation is not causation.

Being married might be tied to maturity and knowing what you want out of life, and going for it. Which causes happiness.

Good point. Well said.

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For people who are on lower spiral dynamics levels and need security to feel happy, marriage is probably a good thing. 

For people from probably stage green and above, security is not a key point, reverse is true, change and ambiguity are two things that make life more fun and fulfilling. Pointless to argue about it because two levels of development won't recognise this truth at their respective levels. 

I personally don't want to get married because of how marriage is this ownership arrangement legally and because of the security coming with it. I just saw too many complacent married couples that behaved like their partner will be forever with them without much further work or investment on their side. And then wondered why it ended in divorce? 

And statistics lies... most of the time.. 

 

 

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@Adodd What I've heard some people say is that 'having children makes you happy'. And having children is much more convenient when you are married than when you're not! I think that could be a major factor, that the couple has something to do together, a shared goal when they're married which makes their lives and the relationship meaningful.


"Do not pray for an easy life. Pray for the strength to endure a difficult one." - Bruce Lee

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why not write your own marriage contract using a lawyer and perhaps renew your vows obligations and commitments every 5 years

instead of having the state tell you this is how it is done and you are locked in for life

 

(you might say i miss out on the financial breaks etc offered to those who are married, in that case marry to satisfy the state but write into your contract that the one you created is the framework that prevails over and supercedes the one the state issues)

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