GF found out I watch porn

[bejapuskas]

@Harlen Kelly  You are making so many simplifications. It might not be simple. Masturbating to porn is not even the only thing his girlfriend get mad about and OP did not mention what else he does, this can be heavily biased.

If I fail to be comfortable in bed and I do not communicate with my girlfriend what I like, what turns me on and so on, I just lie there, and then after we are done, I go to the other room to watch porn, I would consider it normal that she is mad. If I avoided being creative and focused in bed and instead escaped to porn and just used her as escapism, same.

If we are having a long distance relationship in covid times and it is hard to spend as much time together as we would like, therefore I watch porn to satisfy my sexual needs and she gets mad, I would question that, communicate, then maybe I would start feeling awkward about it. If I was spending a hell lot of time with this social media friends and avoided my girlfriend, same.

There are nuances to this.

[Harlen Kelly]

@bejapuskas It would be a lot simpler if OP simply looks for a girl that likes watching porn with him, since he is into it. Problem solved. 

There is no way that relationship will work. 

Edited May 23, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[intotheblack]

@Harlen Kelly  It wasn’t just watching porn though.  He was wanking off to Facebook friends, Twitter and Tik tok.  That’s a bit creepy. 

[Harlen Kelly]

1 minute ago, intotheblack said:

@Harlen Kelly  It wasn’t just watching porn though.  He was wanking off to Facebook friends, Twitter and Tik tok.  That’s a bit creepy. 

That is in fact creepy, I'll give you that. 

[bejapuskas]

@Harlen Kelly  That is a very simplistic view you have. It is unfair how this male dominated forum judges girls so quickly for things that might be fine. Especially when context is not provided.

[Harlen Kelly]

@bejapuskas That is a very scarcity-oriented and naïve view you have. Wasting time with someone who is not compatible with you because of their idea of sexual expression is unnecessary and counterproductive. 

Delaying that relationship will only create more suffering for both parties. 

 I am not saying the girl is a ''bad'' person for not wanting his boyfriend to masturbate to porn, they are just not compatible and that is totally fine. There are billions of people to choose from for both of them. 

[bejapuskas]

@Harlen Kelly  Not enough context was given, plus the guy was doing other things too. I just found this judgement really unfair and it is not unique to this thread per se.

[Harlen Kelly]

@bejapuskas So what is your suggestion, should they both continue with the relationship?

Edited May 23, 2021 by Harlen Kelly

[Matt23]

I don't think "lusting after girls you're not dating" is bad or unnatural at all.  It's perfectly natural.  To expect your partner to not be attracted to or masturbate to other people is kinda ridiculous if you ask me.  It would probably make the relationship worse too since you'd feel all bottled up, guilty, and such.  

[bejapuskas]

@Harlen Kelly  I don't know them bro. I only read this one comment, it's too little to decide, do you see it?

[Consept]

I think this is a fundamental misunderstanding of men by women. (That's not to say men understand women particularly well either). Men desire variety, this has been this way for thousands of years, our bodies and sexual drives are tuned in to be like this. So whether it's through masurbating to porn or actually having sex with different women, this drive does need to be acknowledged and fulfilled in some way, it can be transcended of course but this is not easy. 

I think why its so demonised is because of the perception that it can destroy families or that if the man sleeps with someone else he can't love the woman. But what has happened is that female dating strategies has become the norm, anything outside of that is seen as bad or wrong, whereby those that don't want to partake in a strict one on one monogamous relationships are seen as weird or players. To me it seems like people love the idea of monogomy more than they love the person they're with ie if the person doesn't want to be monogamous they could be rejected, there's a devotion to monogomy at the expense of people. 

The ops question sums it up whereby there is no understanding that he might want to masturbate to porn to experience this variety, this is complete suppression of his sexual desires, which to me is not fair. She can do that of course but I dont think many guys would put up with it. 

One thing though is that there should be open communication, obviously betrayal, as in saying you want to be monogamy but then not keeping to that is a seperate thing and is understandable of the other party isnt happy with it. 

 

[SgtPepper]

On 5/22/2021 at 5:55 AM, intotheblack said:

Yep. Of course it’s purely devilish to say that from a mans point of view, and it’s benefitting them to say that it is the woman who should be more secure and that she has to simply accept that.  It wouldn’t be expected of the man to transcend himself in that area. No just the woman should change.  It allows them to keep being devils.  
also remember most the guys on this forum are young and have distorted views on relationships and love.  

+1

[Emerald]

On 5/22/2021 at 1:59 AM, JohnIsDoe said:

So this is embarrasing, but I have been dating my gf for over two years. 6 months ago, she found out that I masterbate to porn along with girls on Instagram, Tik Tok, and even sometimes to girls that I am friends with on Instagram or Facebook. I have been masterbating to such things since I was in middle school.

This hurt her really badly.

I kept telling her that I stopped, but I was still doing it behind her back. She kept finding out that I was doing it based on my search history or my "recent activity" etc. 

She says that this is cheating to her and that makes complete sense.

* I've realized that my problem is that I continue to lust after these girls as if I was single.

How do I get myself to understand her pain and stop the urge to do this?

Now, getting off to Facebook friends is something that will genuinely be concerning to most women. That includes women who are poly, because it’s a bit boundary breaching because the other person probably doesn’t know you’re using the images of them that way.

Watching porn, on the other hand, is something that some women are okay with and that some women aren’t okay with.

So, she may genuinely see that as cheating. But many women would not.

My advice is to decide whether or not you’re comfortable with sacrificing your porn habits to stay in the relationship.

But an even deeper topic (even if you are willing to sacrifice porn for the relationship) is to suss out sexual compatibility and compatibility in general.

You’ll probably want to have a partner who matches your sensibilities about sex and shares your views/values relative to things like porn.