Something casual

[Gesundheit2]

 

It's not a lie, but it's also not the truth.

Untruth.

Edited August 12, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

At this point, I have experienced so many identity shifts, I almost don't recognize myself from 10 years ago anymore. I have experienced deep shifts that touched so many parts of my identity, both in depth and breadth, so my ego died and got reborn so many times, I'm almost not that person I was at all. It took a few "complete" -- or more accurately, major ego deaths, and many other minor ones. Just when my ego solidifies enough, somehow the events turn in such a way that causes it to take a hit, or even collapse in some cases. I think this is the reason why I don't have a personality type.

Unfortunately, this is not the case for most people. Most people don't really change, like at all, from birth till death. They're just born some way, and they gather some conditioning throughout their childhood and early teens, and then remain the same forever. The saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is very true, because it applies to most people. I think besides people who undergo spiritual awakening, almost no one really changes. It's sobering to realize this fact, because I don't want to be thinking that others can share the same understanding as I, and then find out that that's not true.

What I've come to realize recently is that nobody, unless they're spiritually awake, will understand what I'm saying. They will only ever interpret it from their distorted lens/worldview. I don't think this has to do with ego development or spiral dynamics as much as actually experiencing spiritual awakening, because awakening opens your eyes to things that normal people aren't even able to see/perceive. The normal person is only ever able to see their selfish interest without any regard for "impersonal truth". For the normal person, it's always personal, no matter what, even when they say or pretend otherwise, or even when they adopt not taking things personally as an ideology. Even seekers cannot understand me, because they will interpret my words from the spiritual ego's perspective. So it's futile, unless the other person is awake to the same depth as I am, which doesn't seem very common. Not that I'm the most awake person on earth, as I have caught some more awakened signals. But that they're really rare, and getting rarer as I'm awakening deeper.

As a lesson and a general rule of thumb: People are patterns of behavior. Once you identify a pattern, make your judgement, then put a permanent label on the respective person. This will make your interactions easier, as it will provide you with more clarity on who/what you are dealing with.

Edited August 18, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

Dad's phone ringtone some years ago 

[Zeroguy]

???

[Gesundheit2]

It's been a while...

Edited September 23, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba You are not pointless. You are Assal.

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba No worries, I was just taking some time off and focusing more on programming, thanks for the initial one week mod-mandated vacation 

I made this little game for my little sister and her little cat Sandy: https://sandy-match.netlify.app/

Anyway, I'm glad that you seem to be getting your libido back. Libido is a sign of health, so all I can make of this news is that you're healing from that autoimmune disease and past traumas, and that it's only a matter of time until you fully recover and experience the fullness of life. I think the worst part is finally over, and so it should be all downhill from here on. Progress over perfection, we're all in this together. I missed you and Zero.

[Gesundheit2]

1 hour ago, Loba said:

Oh yes, I have gotten a few of those before, I find them to be helpful in a roundabout kind of way - that sometimes taking a break from this place is quite nice.  Glad you're back!

It's all good. Glad to be back too.

1 hour ago, Loba said:

Aww, that's her little kitty?  It's so cute.  My kitty's name is Sandy, too.  Was it hard to make?

She's really cute! I like her energy. She keeps running, jumping, hunting, biting, and basically playing all the time until she gets hungry, or tired and sleepy.

Realistically speaking, the game is not difficult to make since it's very simple, but for my current level it was a bit challenging. The more I learn and gain experience, the easier things will get. Then complexity becomes more of a time issue, meaning that more complex apps/games will simply require more time to build, but otherwise there shouldn't be any major challenges anymore.

1 hour ago, Loba said:

I hope so.  It's been a while since I felt any form of sexual intensity.  My hope is that I can bring it up and remove some blockages.  The autoimmune stuff has not been healing, I'm in a flare up right now, but the traumas are coming to a resolution - or at least - an acknowledgement of them, and letting them air dry in the sunshine seems to be helping - thinking back on what it was like a year ago and now, there are improvements.  Absolutely.

Does the autoimmune stuff have a psychosomatic element to it? Like, has it been related to your general mood and state of mind? Or is it the other way around, that it's the main thing that triggers stressful states?

1 hour ago, Loba said:

Progress over perfection, I will remember that.  Thanks dude.

I learned this principle from a programming tutor on YouTube. It's really powerful!

1 hour ago, Loba said:

I missed you, too, I was worried that you'd never come back here again.

Haha, that will probably never happen. Even if I die, I will probably come back in some ghost form and haunt this site 

[Gesundheit2]

Some interesting things have happened while I was off the forum last month:

• Leo dropped a bomb about his past that he was molested. => I have no comment.
• Leo posted a video about socialization and how it makes you stupid. => It was a stupid video. I won't go into much details, but his views are myopic and not very much nuanced as he claims. Leo believes that porn and masturbation are not different from sex. If that's how he thinks in general, then for him reading books and interacting on this forum should not be different from socialization in principle, which means that he's always socializing both passively and actively, which makes him almost as stupid as everyone else, at least in his own estimation, which breaks the credibility and insight in his video. => Debunked. However, the video might be useful for people who hate themselves for being introverts in that it can help them accept themselves and their inclinations. There's value to what he is saying, it's just not very powerful or deep enough. Just look at the title "How Socialization Makes You Stupid". Regardless of its click-baity nature, it is mostly made of victim mentality for antisocial victims. Socialization makes you __blank? It just makes you __blank, like you don't even have a say in the matter. What the fuck?! Remember the days when it was all about you and how much you take responsibility and ownership of your life? Remember when you were the only arbiter of what happens to you in your life? Even if your house was robbed against your will, it was your responsibility. You are God. Remember that message and how powerful it was? That was Leo. Not this weak whining victim that likes his privacy/sovereignty and can't lose his will or surrender and merge with the collective. My view is that socialization can actually make you very intelligent if you are open and receptive, but it's a different kind of intelligence, one that Leo probably demonizes and does not like at all. He thinks that his years of contemplation alone are like going to the gym for the mind. While that is certainly true, it is also true that socialization is like going to the gym for the senses. There's no contradiction, and everyone can do both if they want to. You can work on developing your thinking and sensing one at a time or both at the same time. You can choose to have two strengths. Or you can choose to get stuck with one strength and one weakness. Just my 2 cents.
• Obviously, I've come to realize some very deep and profound insights about myself and life in general. => I might talk a little bit about some of those later.
• My ex became active for a while on this forum, she posted for a couple of weeks then she stopped posting. It was merely a coincidence that I was off the forum during that time. I was actually thinking of never coming back, but then I got weak and missed the general atmosphere, which I have had some insight into, as well. Anyway, I might talk about this later and tell my whole story with my ex. I have no way of knowing whether she recognizes me with this username, but it won't hurt to talk about my side of the story. We'll see.

Edited September 26, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

As for my ex, I remember everything like it was yesterday, even though most of it happened back in 2020. I don't know where to start, maybe I'll start from the end where she broke up with me. As I look back now, it's clear and obvious why that happened. She had two main concerns before breaking up: 1) She comes from a Christian family and was afraid that I might return to being a Muslim. 2) She was afraid that I might be manipulating her and that everything I was doing and saying was just some cunning scheme that I was running on her.

Of course, the autistic idiot at that time did not know how to handle that situation. He was not sharp/educated enough to understand what's going on, what to say, or how she was feeling and thinking. Both concerns were legit, and the answer was very simple. She was asking questions on one level but really her concerns were on another level entirely. Here's how I replied to her: I told her that it is possible that I could return to being a Muslim, even though it's unlikely but who knows? That's for the first question, which was about a couple of weeks prior to break up. She was not really satisfied with the answer, but apparently somehow managed to force herself to. She probably thought we could work it out later on. As for her second question, she asked me if I was manipulating her, and I said that it is possible and that she does not/cannot really know. That was the fatal mistake. It's clear to me now that her question was not really about what she was asking. It was about trust. "Can I trust you?" That was her question, but the autistic idiot did not understand. The truth is that I did use some manipulation techniques on her. But that does not mean I was a predator. I simply was needy and just wanted some love. Well, partially. I've come to realize a harsh truth about myself being a predator later on, which I might elaborate on in another post.

So after me failing to provide her with groundedness, trust, and safety that she craved the most, she told me that she needs some time alone to think, ponder, and re-evaluate. I thought that was a manipulation tactic to keep me on the hook or whatever, so I posted a question on this forum and got some replies. Keyhole told me to give her some space and let go of expectations, which I did. A week later or so, she texted me with a perfectly respectful and decent breakup message. She said that she's just one page in my life's book, and that I should forget about her. Broke my heart, but I didn't reply or act on anything. I just absorbed the pain, and it felt terrible, like falling from a skyscraper, until I hit the ground.

That was supposed to be the end of it, but it didn't actually end there. A few months later, on a Friday morning my phone rings. It was her. At 8 am she is calling me. I thought it was weird. I picked up the phone and started talking. It was what I wanted to hear, but not completely. She missed me and called to make sure I was okay. I told her everything was alright and that I was just glad that she's okay. Then things started to get weird. First she started talking very quickly as if words were escaping away from her (flight of ideas, classical sign of psychosis). I told her to calm down, and she did. I asked her how is her studying going and if she was prepared, she said it was fine. Her exams were to start two days after. Then she told me that a certain person was my godfather (delusional thinking), I did not even catch the guy's name. Then she started telling me that she experienced ego-death and that her family took her to some person that gave her psychedelics (they took her to a psychiatrist and gave her psychosis medications). I started asking for details, and she said here take the person who gives me the psychedelics (it was her cousin, and he was giving her the meds back then). He took over from her and immediately started threatening me as if it was my fault or something. I was shocked, and started shouting back at him. I did not know what was happening. He cursed me then hung up. The first thing that came to my mind was that she was kidnapped by some terrorist group or something, so I was worried about her. I know it's very dramatic of me, but sue me. Maybe I was psychotic too. I tried to call her back for an hour or so. She did not pick up until finally. And when she did I told her to go to her aunt or someone that she trusts. She told me that it's okay and that she's happy with that person. I asked her do you trust him. She said yes. I was like okay, just be careful. Then apparently he took the phone away from her and hung up again. I did not know what to do. I was still thinking she was kidnapped, so I reached out to her best friend. Apparently, she was as clueless as I was. I stayed on alert for a couple of days not knowing what happened or if she's okay. Her phone was off the entire time. Then some stranger contacted me on Facebook and said he wanted to discuss her situation. I talked to him and he explained the entire situation for me. He was a psychiatrist who lived abroad, a friend of her father's, and wanted to tell me kindly to back off. I was like, what the fuck dude?! She contacted me after we were broken up for at least five months and you're telling me to back off?! Turns out he was misinformed about the facts. He thought that we were secretly talking the whole time and now we got caught. So I explained to him, and he seemed to believe me. He said that regardless of that, I might be the reason why she became psychotic in the first place, and that in order to help her recover I must stay away. I was not convinced, as I have some medical background and am somewhat familiar with the basics of psychology and psychiatry. He finally confessed that it's her father's desire for us to let go. I told him to give me her father's contact, and thanked him for his time and sincerity. Later that day, I talked to her father. He's a doctor who works/lives abroad in Saudi Arabia the whole time and only comes back home for one month every year. We talked for some time, and he seemed like a jerk. I did not like him at all. He wanted to blame me (and Actualized) for what happened to his daughter, even though it was entirely his mistake. The amount of pressure he put on her to ace school was crazy. I'm sure he still does the same till this day when she's in college (pharmaceutical). Anyway, we talked back and forth and I asked him why he was opposed to our relationship. He said religious differences were the main reason, and then he went as far as to threatening me with the police if I didn't back off. I told him to go fuck himself, as I hadn't done anything illegal. Apparently, he was just trying to scare me off. Eventually, I realized that this whole thing is simply going to cause me headache on the long run even if things worked out in my favor. After all, it's not going to be easy dealing with a person with a history of mental illness, let alone the familial differences, and other stuff. I realized that it was not worth it. And some part of me even gave up the whole idea and accepted the fact that she might never return back to normal. I accepted the possibility that her soul might have just disappeared forever while her body is still stuck here.

It literally totally destroyed me. This whole messy event, and everything related to it. It was a total nightmare for two complete days and nights. It felt extremely terrible, even worse than the original breakup, and for what? I still felt terrible for a couple more months until I went on that vacation/retreat in Tortoise city where I finally had my closure and final resolution. I buried the past in the ground and sealed it with magic in the form of music, in order to protect myself from it for the rest of my life. It worked, and I was finally healed. I don't feel anything for her anymore. It all stopped back then. And I was a free man once again. I don't regret any part of what happened, even though it crushed me, because getting my ego crushed made me better and stronger, as it always proved to do.

If you are reading this and you recognize me, I'm sorry that you had to go through that psychosis experience. And I'm sorry that you had to grow up without parents, with your father always abroad and your mother dead since you were little. But I can't take the blame for what I didn't do or directly cause. I realize how much of a needy scumbag idiot I was back then. But we were happy together, and we had a great time. It was wonderful being with you, cuz you are wonderful. But life goes on. I grew up a lot. And learned. I learned while I was with you and after that. Life does not stop for one person. Like you said, it's just one page of our lives, but the story goes on. I don't currently have the time or energy for relationships at the time. But even if I did, I would not want to get back together, cuz we are clearly on different paths. I know you didn't ask to get back together, but I can read you like an open book (or maybe I'm just crazy and hallucinating). I'm sorry that I can't be your friend, either. I simply don't want to, cuz I know it won't work. I hope you will have a great future ahead of you, and that you will find all that you seek outside of me. Good luck on your journey. You were nothing but good to me, but we are simply not meant to be together. Take care.

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba Thank you. I really appreciate your support and understanding.

I think for me it would not have been as severe if I was informed beforehand about the situation. But since I was completely in the dark, I could not make sense of what was happening, which was very confusing to me that I had to guess and make assumptions. Otherwise, I think I would have handled it differently (but still at that time not perfectly). I think I know how to maneuver such situations much better now, given the situation I had to go through with my sister not so long ago. I had to deal with mental illness directly, and was able to handle it correctly. My sister is now completely normal, without meds, and back to work. I myself have developed various degrees of mental illnesses that lasted with me for quite some time, and I might still have some more that I'm not even aware of. I don't think all mental illnesses are the same. I think it's a spectrum when they're untriggered (at rest), and some are easier to manage than others, especially with the proper preparation and education. It just takes a little bit of time, effort, and selflessness to deal with them effectively. As you can see, I don't have any resentment for the time we were together, and I don't even blame her for what her family did to me. It was not her fault. I was hurt because they were stupid and managed the situation poorly, and I'm sure she felt guilty, too, even though she didn't have to. I always admired her morality and decency.

That being said, I really have other reasons for not wanting to get back together with her, most of them have to do with my current financial situation (which is preventing me from wanting to be in a relationship at all. I'm almost sure I will get back on the market as soon as that's dealt with), and others that have to do with compatibility. You may remember that I thought she was "The One" or my "Twin Flame", now I realize that these were mostly her ideas that I somehow adopted out of my extreme neediness at the time.

As for that person who offered love, I will do as you suggested and look for possible trauma triggers there. But as far as I remember, the main reason why I shut them off was because they were coming at me in a creepy way, reading all my journal entries, and thinking that they know me or that they have somehow "figured me out" just from reading some random thoughts of mine.

As for my predator qualities, I think I have learned to accept myself as I am to some degree. But what I'm not comfortable with at all is sharing that truth with others. I don't think that I should tell anyone any specifics because it would hurt my image. So the shame is basically working in my favor, and I'm not sure if it's the wisest thing to let it go. People automatically assume that being a predator is a bad thing, and it is to some extent, but maybe it also can be tamed. Thank you for accepting me without judgement. Most of the times, that's all what anyone wants to receive, just some unconditional understanding. It always astounds me your ability to understand others, and to put yourself out there like that in the open. It takes a lot of courage, and I might just not have enough, so I keep hiding.

Edited September 27, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba Thanks for the encouraging words and the interesting perspective. I am sure that my financial struggle will come to an end soon, it's even more certain than the sun rising tomorrow. Just "how soon?", I don't know. I was planning on pulling that feat off before the end of 2022, but it seems like my plan was not quite accurate, and that it's going to take some more time. I've come a long ways, and it won't hurt to have some more patience. Thank you again, and I hope that you have a great day/night.

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba I relate so much with your latest entry. How do you write with so much accuracy?! I want to have this skill! Like, most of the times, my intuition is on point, and I see most of this stuff that you described. But when I try to convert that intuition into words in order to point it out to others, suddenly my mind goes full Zen-mode haha. No words to describe what's happening, which ironically results in shooting myself in the other foot. I've been in that position a lot, especially here on this forum, actually mostly here and only with certain individuals. They keep repeating the same pattern with everyone, not just me. It seems that certain people have this pattern that is generally hard to deal with, and what makes it even harder is the social pressure that comes from the flying monkeys (especially when they're in power) that are completely disconnected from reality, for whatever reasons. Most people in real life get along just fine without much drama. It's just this specific type of people that is really problematic, and luckily they're really rare. Well, maybe not as rare as the word "really" might infer, but certainly rare (though maybe it's more common among women). The reason for that, I think, is that real life is a lot more complex than just an online platform where the real abusers get all the leeway and benefit of the doubt but none of the responsibility. In real life, you are a person with a story, an image, a pride, a tribe, a status, etc. Whereas online, you are mostly just a block of text, which is very easy to attack. Clearly, the internet has enabled and empowered a lot of vampires that are otherwise in real life mostly wimps and docile housecats (but not in a positive way, i.e. they're mostly suppressed by the undeniable truth that most people can see, collective justice if you will). I have thought about this many times before, and every time I arrive at the same answer as you, that I tend to keep forgetting. Just ignore those people, they are the problem, period. Let them dry out and their drama will eventually die out. As long as they don't get their kick from you, they will get bored and then leave you alone. Honestly, I would not put so much pressure on myself and try to take even more responsibility with them. I take all the responsibility in the world, but without them. I value truth, and don't want to lose my integrity in order to show some devil something that they already know but want to disturb just for the sake of disturbance. It's always a losing dynamic with those people. Either, win for them, lose for me. Or lose for both. When it comes to them, I haven't won, not even once. I haven't won with them, nor against them. It's never been anything else other than a complete waste of time, every time. And the focus and energy that they suck out of you, I just learned to value myself deeper than to waste my resources so carelessly on such fruitless entities. Taking responsibility started taking another shape for me. Instead of looking at the situation and trying to learn something, I learned to skip, as there's rarely anything there to learn. At least, that's what I would want to do, ideally. The reason for that, I think, is that often these people don't reflect a reality, but rather a delusion. It's quite tragic that they can even gaslight you into thinking that you're somehow the problem and that you need to take even more responsibility in order just to feel normal and fit in. I certainly have fallen into this trap. I thought I was the problem, and I tried to learn something, take responsibility, and even surrender my will to theirs. It just never panned out positively. The lessons that I forced myself to learn decreased my authenticity and turned out to be delusional even. Taking responsibility took from my sense of self and in turn decreased my self-esteem (or perpetuated/furthered my already low self-esteem). And surrendering my will made them feel correct. For them, it was the ultimate assurance and testimony that they were not the problem, so they felt even more comfortable not taking any responsibility at all, so in result they never have look back at what they have done or will do. Finally, I think it is healthy to care about what other people think to some degree, just not those people or their flying monkeys. Those are really irrelevant. Most people will have you become more sane and reasonable if you look into their opinions, because they often reflect a reality of some sorts, even though mostly mundane/material. So I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater just yet. There's value to what people think, maybe not necessarily a spiritual value, but they keep you on track with the mundane life so you don't fall off into scams, cults, delusions, etc. They keep you in alignment with common sense. Anyway, that's just my two cents. I hope you're doing great and that you will find a final resolution that none of this will bother you again (me too). Reading your posts gives me a huge mental boost and clarity. I guess that's one way to develop my writing skills. Thank you!

Edited September 29, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba It must have been tough getting bitten by the people you thought could help. I remember reading scattered pieces of the story about that YouTube trauma expert. It goes without saying that you can & should feel free to unload anything here if you wish at anytime, I don't have a problem with that. And if you think it's better to just let it go and/or you don't feel 100% comfortable talking about it, that's fine too.

I like how people like you and me who constantly take responsibility, admit their otherwise understandable mistakes, and try to overcome their shortcomings can be portrayed to be the problem while the real problem gets all the support and encouraging to stay as they are. It's just a wonder. But it's probably why we are moving forward while they keep being stuck. It's like some people want to fart freely without any consequences, and just because we point it out cuz don't like the smell, it makes us so unusually entitled. They will turn the tables on us and say that who detected it ejected it, when in fact it's who denied it supplied it. And then the flying monkeys will go even further and tell us to wear even more perfume ? Alright, I'll just move to another planet, that's the only solution ? And I'll use their farts as a fuel ?

I also find that most people here don't really listen. When you say something, it mostly goes over their heads somehow no matter how clear you try to make it to them. Most of the interactions here are a projection mirroring another projection without anything real underneath it. Most of the words just go straight through their eyes and outside their heads without passing through the brain. I used to be like that, and still am to some degree, but the more I'm opening up, the better I'm getting at this. I suspect that's a result of the unearned luxury and spoiled lives that most of these kiddos have. I only started connecting to reality after suffering deeply. But that's just my speculation. I have another explanation that has to do with the suppression of the feminine.

Don't worry, I'm certainly not people-pleasing you here. I just relate so much because apparently dealing with this had its toll on me, too. It can make you go nuts to feel alone in this perception. It certainly made me feel crazy at times, to not have anyone to confirm my observations. It ungrounded me and threw me into a pit of self-hatred. So I understand the pain, and it is my intention to help. I'm glad you have found some relief in our interactions. I'm not sure I have always been as effective, but the intent has always been there and I'm getting better, hopefully.

3 hours ago, Loba said:

You literally can't win.  The more you explain yourself, the more you try to express the truth of the situation, the more they adapt at avoiding it.  They don't learn from you, dude, they learn how to hide better.  That's a fact.

And you will be the one paying the price in the long run.  I get it.  So much.

ABSOLUTELY!!!!!! So accurate!!!! ???

3 hours ago, Loba said:

A lot has been resolved... this year I have:
 

• Quit drinking
• Quit smoking weed
• Gone of meds safely
• Worked on some trauma
• Worked on my anger
• Worked on art/stories
• Began the process of looking at myself/my reactions/my sexuality/my repressions/all of it

That's some real progress there. And the best is yet to come 

I am so proud of you, and of myself ?

Edited September 30, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

1 hour ago, Loba said:

Suppression of the feminine, how do you think it plays out with that?

Basically, high IQ and low EQ. I think that most people here are bad at picking subtle clues and reading emotional states cuz they themselves are often disconnected from their emotions. These things are often implicit since they are not always expressed explicitly (since online, person = just text), so people tend to assume their own state and then project it onto others. If you don't say I'm feeling sad, nobody will know or understand how you're feeling or where you're coming from. Almost nobody is curious why you're saying what you're saying, you're just being taken on face value. On the flip side, when someone who isn't sad says they're feeling sad, they are just believed automatically without a second thought, because well most people want to be good to others, they just suck at applying that correctly and/or can be misguided by false emergencies. Hell is paved with good intentions.

People here have the tendency to take everything literally, without much room for creativity or interpretation. And this can be problematic on a few levels. Sometimes, you might be ungrounded and not really knowing how you're feeling, so the thing that can help you the most is connecting you to your feminine core, but since the majority here don't really have this skill, it often ends up poorly for people who are in need. As well, this opens up the possibility for abuse for people who don't really need the help and attention, but just crave it infinitely, so they create a noise, which ends up backfiring on those who truly need help. It's like when a baby is crying cuz it's hungry, then some adult comes and starts making up false emergencies just because they're jealous of the nurturing and attention the baby is getting.

Quote

You're doing fine dude - I like chatting with you when we get the chance.  I like that it's organic and free flowing.

Awww!  Thanks Ges!  I am proud of the both of us as well.  Results does feel great.

Absolutely!

Quote

To change the subject, how have you been these past few months?  What's new in your life?

Not much has changed externally in the past few months, except for the cat. I'm kind of on pause on everything until I get my finances right, so all my focus and energy are spent there. Well, that, and on digging deeper into myself and reality in order to gain more clarity and healing before returning back to the game. Most of the changes that I'm experiencing currently are internal, like the alchemy process you journal about. I'm purifying myself more and more until I'm fully transparent or golden, both are great! This has been an on-going process for me for a few years now. And it is certainly worth the while!

Edited September 30, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

On 9/30/2022 at 11:29 PM, Loba said:

I understand the state of being emotionally disconnected and am working through that now to try and bring them back online again.  Have you worked through this process? 

I didn't really work through it in the strict meaning of the word. It's probably more accurate to say that it's working through me and I'm allowing it. Almost all of my life, it's always been things/events working through me/happening to me. I can hardly remember a time where I really desired something and went after it for the sake of it. Unlike most people, everything I do is out of necessity, not luxury. I don't seem to have the conventional built-in desire to live the human life or to be a person. I am weird and an alien in that sense, and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Though, it has its drawbacks when dealing with humans, cuz we are often on different frequencies, and that can make me struggle to relate to them. I've gotten a lot better over the years, but I still don't find the human life as interesting as advertised. That's not to say I don't like socializing or being with other humans, it's just that I don't agree with the vision that humanity has as a collective, as I view all the games they play as fruitless, distracting, and even harmful. So it's not that I was/am emotionally disconnected from myself as much as I was/am disconnected from the human dream. I don't know if it's different for you, but that's as best as I could describe it from my most authentic self's pov. I really don't relate to most of the human nonsense, most of the times I just force myself to. If it wasn't for my sexual drive and the need to survive, I would probably have killed myself long ago.

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Sorry to hear about your financial situation.  I know how it goes for sure.  Are there avenues in your country to make decent money or do a lot of people struggle with this?

It hurts just thinking about it.

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Yeah!  Alchemy!   Purification.  It's totally an alchemical process, we are all going through this collectively for sure.  Excited to see where your journey takes you over the next few years.

Me too. I just want to know what God ultimately wants with me.

Edited October 1, 2022 by Gesundheit2