Something casual

[Gesundheit2]

Evil is not only a necessity, it's also God's creation. God creates evil by fighting it. The whole premise of "being good" hinges upon having the identity and inclination to fight evil wherever it might be. In that sense, "good" people are the source of all evil, and it is precisely because they don't realize that that they keep creating more evil unknowingly and unwillingly. There would literally be no evil without those "good" people imagining it into existence, fighting it off and denying that they are. God is literally the biggest devil. That is one super delicious strange-loop!

As well, goodness is something that "evil" people imagine by projecting their selfish agendas onto the world. The lesser Jihad.

It's just nice to have clarity.

Edited August 7, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

My best friend, let's call him H, will probably be moving to Germany in a few month. I'll be left alone with one final close friend, let's call him F, and an attempt at rebuilding my social circle from scratch. I used to have a lot of friends most of whom I ended up ghosting when I decided to go fully monk-mode. As for my friend H, part of me feels like it's dying, another part feels okay with that, and another part feels excited both for me and him. I think our friendship is unique and not like any other friendship, or the thing that's advertised in the movies, think Harry Potter's flashbacks. No, nothing like that. I don't think we have any memory of that type, we don't romanticize anything. Our friendship has always been deep and classy, but never exciting. It's a masculine type of friendship, where we both care about each other, but don't show that we do, similar to Goku and Vegeta's friendship from Vegeta's pov. We don't show any emotions at all, it's somehow established between us that that's not cool, so we keep things as stoic as possible. That's probably mainly what made it possible for us to be able to discuss the deepest questions/topics in life, which of course had always played a major role in sculpturing my thoughts and sharpening my mind. Anyway, H has been there for me when I was at my lowest. He supported me, never judged me, even when I was half-psychotic and delusional. But apparently, none of that made it possible for us to develop that kind of emotional connection or attachment that most people develop between each other. We always kept a distance from each other. But maybe it's just me who doesn't feel anything. He shows signs of attachments, for example he told me he does not want to leave because he will lose me and his family, and that it's a major reason why he delayed his moving out this much. I told him that it's his path and future at the end of the day, and that he must proceed regardless as he wants to get married and become a doctor in a better country. Then the topic somehow melted away, as it almost always does. I'm not sure every friendship has this, but there are certain things that we never discuss. Things like the ground rules of the friendship or the topics we should not be discussing. Like, for example, he does not know anything about Actualized.org or enlightenment, and I don't know anything about the sources of his knowledge and information. We just don't ask, it's like a norm between us. Sometimes I try to move out of that frame, but then he dodges for some reason, which I understand subconsciously. We have discussed almost everything, existence, God, religion, philosophy, medicine, politics, economics, sports, music, you name it, but all at a high level, and open-endedly. We don't conclude almost anything, that's how we keep something more for tomorrow. And we don't force our beliefs onto one another. He's still a Muslim and he knows that I'm not anymore. He thought that it was a phase then I would return, but lol. The strangest thing is that we almost never talk about sex. The most explicit thing I remember him saying was that Nicki Minaj's tone/accent was kind of sexy, like in a way that stimulates his instincts. That's it, literally. That's the depth of the dirtiest sexual topics we've talked about. Other than that, when it comes to sex, it's always a classy discussion and vague statements. The last time I saw him he was telling me that technology has made it easier to connect with people from anywhere. He was hinting at the possibility that we might be able to continue our friendship even after he moves. But we both know that it's not possible for us. I have lots of friends and family members abroad, but I never contact them. I just don't feel the connection anymore, it's never gonna be the same. My friend H is the same way. We've talked about this before. Technology does not replace human connection, we both agree. And we both know that our friendship will end the day he moves out. He's the fourth best friend of mine that moves out, and then I will be left with F, a candidate for the fifth best friend position. H is specializing in nephrology, and he's an actual genius highly developed individual, by the way. My first best friend to move out was a high-school friend who moved to the US the moment things went down to hell in 2012. He initiates contact from time to time, but things are stale from my end. The next one was the one I've known the longest, he's an electrical engineer and has moved to Iraq, then to Turkey a couple of years ago. We never talked since then. The third one was a medical fellow, he's now in Turkey, probably planning to move to Germany. He moved out a couple of months ago. Now, there is a possibility that F will rent an apartment close to mine soon, which could be good. He might get promoted to the best friend position, but I'm not sure yet. He's great and everything, though. Very well educated, respectful, and 3 years older than me medical fellow. We'll see. Maybe I'll move out too. Who knows what the future is hiding for me? However, I still do plan on building a new social circle from scratch. Cuz I didn't choose any of my past friendships, they all just kinda happened. Maybe I'll just keep F and get in touch with a few of the ones that I've ghosted, and some of the ones that I used to go to primary school with. But mainly, I will be meeting new people from workshops, seminars, volunteering, and things like that. But first things first, I need to get my financial situation in order before everything else. Still number one on my list.

Edited August 10, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

Shit Magnet: "Person who for some inextricable reason attracts bad things and events to happen to them."

[Gesundheit2]

 

It's not a lie, but it's also not the truth.

Untruth.

Edited August 12, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

 

[Gesundheit2]

At this point, I have experienced so many identity shifts, I almost don't recognize myself from 10 years ago anymore. I have experienced deep shifts that touched so many parts of my identity, both in depth and breadth, so my ego died and got reborn so many times, I'm almost not that person I was at all. It took a few "complete" -- or more accurately, major ego deaths, and many other minor ones. Just when my ego solidifies enough, somehow the events turn in such a way that causes it to take a hit, or even collapse in some cases. I think this is the reason why I don't have a personality type.

Unfortunately, this is not the case for most people. Most people don't really change, like at all, from birth till death. They're just born some way, and they gather some conditioning throughout their childhood and early teens, and then remain the same forever. The saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is very true, because it applies to most people. I think besides people who undergo spiritual awakening, almost no one really changes. It's sobering to realize this fact, because I don't want to be thinking that others can share the same understanding as I, and then find out that that's not true.

What I've come to realize recently is that nobody, unless they're spiritually awake, will understand what I'm saying. They will only ever interpret it from their distorted lens/worldview. I don't think this has to do with ego development or spiral dynamics as much as actually experiencing spiritual awakening, because awakening opens your eyes to things that normal people aren't even able to see/perceive. The normal person is only ever able to see their selfish interest without any regard for "impersonal truth". For the normal person, it's always personal, no matter what, even when they say or pretend otherwise, or even when they adopt not taking things personally as an ideology. Even seekers cannot understand me, because they will interpret my words from the spiritual ego's perspective. So it's futile, unless the other person is awake to the same depth as I am, which doesn't seem very common. Not that I'm the most awake person on earth, as I have caught some more awakened signals. But that they're really rare, and getting rarer as I'm awakening deeper.

As a lesson and a general rule of thumb: People are patterns of behavior. Once you identify a pattern, make your judgement, then put a permanent label on the respective person. This will make your interactions easier, as it will provide you with more clarity on who/what you are dealing with.

Edited August 18, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

Dad's phone ringtone some years ago 

[Zeroguy]

???

[Gesundheit2]

It's been a while...

Edited September 23, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba You are not pointless. You are Assal.

[Loba]

@Gesundheit2 "Honey"  "Us All"..  I forgot about that, I am shocked you remember that.  You must have a very good memory.

Quote

Assal meaning in Urdu to English is Honey Assal. Assal synonym word is Beloved, Dear and Love. 

How have you been?  I was worried that you were banned.  I had a dream about you, I went looking for you in your country and I got lost and everyone was angry with me because I was white and not Muslim.  The city looked very futuristic but everyone was dressed in an ancient fashion.  The sky was blue.  I turned into a bird and flew away from the hubbub. 

[Gesundheit2]

@Loba No worries, I was just taking some time off and focusing more on programming, thanks for the initial one week mod-mandated vacation 

I made this little game for my little sister and her little cat Sandy: https://sandy-match.netlify.app/

Anyway, I'm glad that you seem to be getting your libido back. Libido is a sign of health, so all I can make of this news is that you're healing from that autoimmune disease and past traumas, and that it's only a matter of time until you fully recover and experience the fullness of life. I think the worst part is finally over, and so it should be all downhill from here on. Progress over perfection, we're all in this together. I missed you and Zero.

[Loba]

3 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

No worries, I was just taking some time off and focusing more on programming, thanks for the initial one week mod-mandated vacation 

Oh yes, I have gotten a few of those before, I find them to be helpful in a roundabout kind of way - that sometimes taking a break from this place is quite nice.  Glad you're back!

3 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

I made this little game for my little sister and her little cat Sandy: https://sandy-match.netlify.app/

Aww, that's her little kitty?  It's so cute.  My kitty's name is Sandy, too.  Was it hard to make?

3 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Anyway, I'm glad that you seem to be getting your libido back. Libido is a sign of health, so all I can make of this news is that you're healing from that autoimmune disease and past traumas, and that it's only a matter of time until you fully recover and experience the fullness of life. I think the worst part is finally over, and so it should be all downhill from here on. Progress over perfection, we're all in this together. I missed you and Zero.

I hope so.  It's been a while since I felt any form of sexual intensity.  My hope is that I can bring it up and remove some blockages.  The autoimmune stuff has not been healing, I'm in a flare up right now, but the traumas are coming to a resolution - or at least - an acknowledgement of them, and letting them air dry in the sunshine seems to be helping - thinking back on what it was like a year ago and now, there are improvements.  Absolutely.  

Progress over perfection, I will remember that.  Thanks dude.
I missed you, too, I was worried that you'd never come back here again.

[Gesundheit2]

1 hour ago, Loba said:

Oh yes, I have gotten a few of those before, I find them to be helpful in a roundabout kind of way - that sometimes taking a break from this place is quite nice.  Glad you're back!

It's all good. Glad to be back too.

1 hour ago, Loba said:

Aww, that's her little kitty?  It's so cute.  My kitty's name is Sandy, too.  Was it hard to make?

She's really cute! I like her energy. She keeps running, jumping, hunting, biting, and basically playing all the time until she gets hungry, or tired and sleepy.

Realistically speaking, the game is not difficult to make since it's very simple, but for my current level it was a bit challenging. The more I learn and gain experience, the easier things will get. Then complexity becomes more of a time issue, meaning that more complex apps/games will simply require more time to build, but otherwise there shouldn't be any major challenges anymore.

1 hour ago, Loba said:

I hope so.  It's been a while since I felt any form of sexual intensity.  My hope is that I can bring it up and remove some blockages.  The autoimmune stuff has not been healing, I'm in a flare up right now, but the traumas are coming to a resolution - or at least - an acknowledgement of them, and letting them air dry in the sunshine seems to be helping - thinking back on what it was like a year ago and now, there are improvements.  Absolutely.

Does the autoimmune stuff have a psychosomatic element to it? Like, has it been related to your general mood and state of mind? Or is it the other way around, that it's the main thing that triggers stressful states?

1 hour ago, Loba said:

Progress over perfection, I will remember that.  Thanks dude.

I learned this principle from a programming tutor on YouTube. It's really powerful!

1 hour ago, Loba said:

I missed you, too, I was worried that you'd never come back here again.

Haha, that will probably never happen. Even if I die, I will probably come back in some ghost form and haunt this site 

[Loba]

8 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

She's really cute! I like her energy. She keeps running, jumping, hunting, biting, and basically playing all the time until she gets hungry, or tired and sleepy.

Realistically speaking, the game is not difficult to make since it's very simple, but for my current level it was a bit challenging. The more I learn and gain experience, the easier things will get. Then complexity becomes more of a time issue, meaning that more complex apps/games will simply require more time to build, but otherwise there shouldn't be any major challenges anymore.

She looks so cute, I love kitties.  Sounds like she is a friendly creature.

Nice, I've always wondered how people get into these technical things.  Despite growing up with a computer, I've never been very good with such things.  How long did it take you to make?  I played the game for a few minutes, won one round!

8 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Does the autoimmune stuff have a psychosomatic element to it? Like, has it been related to your general mood and state of mind? Or is it the other way around, that it's the main thing that triggers stressful states?

I think it is both.  Sometimes my emotions tend to bring these states on, but sometimes another sickness will bring out the autoimmune issues.  It tends to piggyback on other things, like when I get a cold, and it lasts for a few months before settling down again.  I had a cold and it started to rise up again from that - feels like whole body inflammation, but sometimes it just goes after one thing, like follicles or an organ.  I don't know why, autoimmune things are tricky.

8 hours ago, Gesundheit2 said:

Haha, that will probably never happen. Even if I die, I will probably come back in some ghost form and haunt this site 

Dude, me too I'll be like moaning Myrtle and creep on dudes in the bathroom.
"Hey!  No jacking off in the bathroom, I see you!  Also... I'm DEAD, WHHHYyyy!"  *many cry, very tear*

[Gesundheit2]

Some interesting things have happened while I was off the forum last month:

• Leo dropped a bomb about his past that he was molested. => I have no comment.
• Leo posted a video about socialization and how it makes you stupid. => It was a stupid video. I won't go into much details, but his views are myopic and not very much nuanced as he claims. Leo believes that porn and masturbation are not different from sex. If that's how he thinks in general, then for him reading books and interacting on this forum should not be different from socialization in principle, which means that he's always socializing both passively and actively, which makes him almost as stupid as everyone else, at least in his own estimation, which breaks the credibility and insight in his video. => Debunked. However, the video might be useful for people who hate themselves for being introverts in that it can help them accept themselves and their inclinations. There's value to what he is saying, it's just not very powerful or deep enough. Just look at the title "How Socialization Makes You Stupid". Regardless of its click-baity nature, it is mostly made of victim mentality for antisocial victims. Socialization makes you __blank? It just makes you __blank, like you don't even have a say in the matter. What the fuck?! Remember the days when it was all about you and how much you take responsibility and ownership of your life? Remember when you were the only arbiter of what happens to you in your life? Even if your house was robbed against your will, it was your responsibility. You are God. Remember that message and how powerful it was? That was Leo. Not this weak whining victim that likes his privacy/sovereignty and can't lose his will or surrender and merge with the collective. My view is that socialization can actually make you very intelligent if you are open and receptive, but it's a different kind of intelligence, one that Leo probably demonizes and does not like at all. He thinks that his years of contemplation alone are like going to the gym for the mind. While that is certainly true, it is also true that socialization is like going to the gym for the senses. There's no contradiction, and everyone can do both if they want to. You can work on developing your thinking and sensing one at a time or both at the same time. You can choose to have two strengths. Or you can choose to get stuck with one strength and one weakness. Just my 2 cents.
• Obviously, I've come to realize some very deep and profound insights about myself and life in general. => I might talk a little bit about some of those later.
• My ex became active for a while on this forum, she posted for a couple of weeks then she stopped posting. It was merely a coincidence that I was off the forum during that time. I was actually thinking of never coming back, but then I got weak and missed the general atmosphere, which I have had some insight into, as well. Anyway, I might talk about this later and tell my whole story with my ex. I have no way of knowing whether she recognizes me with this username, but it won't hurt to talk about my side of the story. We'll see.

Edited September 26, 2022 by Gesundheit2

[Gesundheit2]

As for my ex, I remember everything like it was yesterday, even though most of it happened back in 2020. I don't know where to start, maybe I'll start from the end where she broke up with me. As I look back now, it's clear and obvious why that happened. She had two main concerns before breaking up: 1) She comes from a Christian family and was afraid that I might return to being a Muslim. 2) She was afraid that I might be manipulating her and that everything I was doing and saying was just some cunning scheme that I was running on her.

Of course, the autistic idiot at that time did not know how to handle that situation. He was not sharp/educated enough to understand what's going on, what to say, or how she was feeling and thinking. Both concerns were legit, and the answer was very simple. She was asking questions on one level but really her concerns were on another level entirely. Here's how I replied to her: I told her that it is possible that I could return to being a Muslim, even though it's unlikely but who knows? That's for the first question, which was about a couple of weeks prior to break up. She was not really satisfied with the answer, but apparently somehow managed to force herself to. She probably thought we could work it out later on. As for her second question, she asked me if I was manipulating her, and I said that it is possible and that she does not/cannot really know. That was the fatal mistake. It's clear to me now that her question was not really about what she was asking. It was about trust. "Can I trust you?" That was her question, but the autistic idiot did not understand. The truth is that I did use some manipulation techniques on her. But that does not mean I was a predator. I simply was needy and just wanted some love. Well, partially. I've come to realize a harsh truth about myself being a predator later on, which I might elaborate on in another post.

So after me failing to provide her with groundedness, trust, and safety that she craved the most, she told me that she needs some time alone to think, ponder, and re-evaluate. I thought that was a manipulation tactic to keep me on the hook or whatever, so I posted a question on this forum and got some replies. Keyhole told me to give her some space and let go of expectations, which I did. A week later or so, she texted me with a perfectly respectful and decent breakup message. She said that she's just one page in my life's book, and that I should forget about her. Broke my heart, but I didn't reply or act on anything. I just absorbed the pain, and it felt terrible, like falling from a skyscraper, until I hit the ground.

That was supposed to be the end of it, but it didn't actually end there. A few months later, on a Friday morning my phone rings. It was her. At 8 am she is calling me. I thought it was weird. I picked up the phone and started talking. It was what I wanted to hear, but not completely. She missed me and called to make sure I was okay. I told her everything was alright and that I was just glad that she's okay. Then things started to get weird. First she started talking very quickly as if words were escaping away from her (flight of ideas, classical sign of psychosis). I told her to calm down, and she did. I asked her how is her studying going and if she was prepared, she said it was fine. Her exams were to start two days after. Then she told me that a certain person was my godfather (delusional thinking), I did not even catch the guy's name. Then she started telling me that she experienced ego-death and that her family took her to some person that gave her psychedelics (they took her to a psychiatrist and gave her psychosis medications). I started asking for details, and she said here take the person who gives me the psychedelics (it was her cousin, and he was giving her the meds back then). He took over from her and immediately started threatening me as if it was my fault or something. I was shocked, and started shouting back at him. I did not know what was happening. He cursed me then hung up. The first thing that came to my mind was that she was kidnapped by some terrorist group or something, so I was worried about her. I know it's very dramatic of me, but sue me. Maybe I was psychotic too. I tried to call her back for an hour or so. She did not pick up until finally. And when she did I told her to go to her aunt or someone that she trusts. She told me that it's okay and that she's happy with that person. I asked her do you trust him. She said yes. I was like okay, just be careful. Then apparently he took the phone away from her and hung up again. I did not know what to do. I was still thinking she was kidnapped, so I reached out to her best friend. Apparently, she was as clueless as I was. I stayed on alert for a couple of days not knowing what happened or if she's okay. Her phone was off the entire time. Then some stranger contacted me on Facebook and said he wanted to discuss her situation. I talked to him and he explained the entire situation for me. He was a psychiatrist who lived abroad, a friend of her father's, and wanted to tell me kindly to back off. I was like, what the fuck dude?! She contacted me after we were broken up for at least five months and you're telling me to back off?! Turns out he was misinformed about the facts. He thought that we were secretly talking the whole time and now we got caught. So I explained to him, and he seemed to believe me. He said that regardless of that, I might be the reason why she became psychotic in the first place, and that in order to help her recover I must stay away. I was not convinced, as I have some medical background and am somewhat familiar with the basics of psychology and psychiatry. He finally confessed that it's her father's desire for us to let go. I told him to give me her father's contact, and thanked him for his time and sincerity. Later that day, I talked to her father. He's a doctor who works/lives abroad in Saudi Arabia the whole time and only comes back home for one month every year. We talked for some time, and he seemed like a jerk. I did not like him at all. He wanted to blame me (and Actualized) for what happened to his daughter, even though it was entirely his mistake. The amount of pressure he put on her to ace school was crazy. I'm sure he still does the same till this day when she's in college (pharmaceutical). Anyway, we talked back and forth and I asked him why he was opposed to our relationship. He said religious differences were the main reason, and then he went as far as to threatening me with the police if I didn't back off. I told him to go fuck himself, as I hadn't done anything illegal. Apparently, he was just trying to scare me off. Eventually, I realized that this whole thing is simply going to cause me headache on the long run even if things worked out in my favor. After all, it's not going to be easy dealing with a person with a history of mental illness, let alone the familial differences, and other stuff. I realized that it was not worth it. And some part of me even gave up the whole idea and accepted the fact that she might never return back to normal. I accepted the possibility that her soul might have just disappeared forever while her body is still stuck here.

It literally totally destroyed me. This whole messy event, and everything related to it. It was a total nightmare for two complete days and nights. It felt extremely terrible, even worse than the original breakup, and for what? I still felt terrible for a couple more months until I went on that vacation/retreat in Tortoise city where I finally had my closure and final resolution. I buried the past in the ground and sealed it with magic in the form of music, in order to protect myself from it for the rest of my life. It worked, and I was finally healed. I don't feel anything for her anymore. It all stopped back then. And I was a free man once again. I don't regret any part of what happened, even though it crushed me, because getting my ego crushed made me better and stronger, as it always proved to do.

If you are reading this and you recognize me, I'm sorry that you had to go through that psychosis experience. And I'm sorry that you had to grow up without parents, with your father always abroad and your mother dead since you were little. But I can't take the blame for what I didn't do or directly cause. I realize how much of a needy scumbag idiot I was back then. But we were happy together, and we had a great time. It was wonderful being with you, cuz you are wonderful. But life goes on. I grew up a lot. And learned. I learned while I was with you and after that. Life does not stop for one person. Like you said, it's just one page of our lives, but the story goes on. I don't currently have the time or energy for relationships at the time. But even if I did, I would not want to get back together, cuz we are clearly on different paths. I know you didn't ask to get back together, but I can read you like an open book (or maybe I'm just crazy and hallucinating). I'm sorry that I can't be your friend, either. I simply don't want to, cuz I know it won't work. I hope you will have a great future ahead of you, and that you will find all that you seek outside of me. Good luck on your journey. You were nothing but good to me, but we are simply not meant to be together. Take care.